Having sex when teenagers are in the house

[tiredandgrumpy]

Embarrassing problem. Having a dilemma. Turns out our floorboards are very squeaky and since our bedroom is immediately above dd's bedroom, she's getting disturbed.

We're honestly not noisy. Last night I didn't think there was any noise, but dd is in tears because she claims we disturbed her again.

What is the answer? We can try to get better soundproofing in the floor, but is half her upset the knowledge that her parents are up to something she just doesn't want to know about? Dh has a high sex drive so reducing frequency is not really a long term option.

Has op said if dh is the father of dd yet? I read on a post she's said l have 3 dc not we.

Your poor daughter ........ ewwww.

What does your husband say? Or does he not care as long as he's getting the sex?

I just want to add (and I'm not saying it's the case here) that having sex doesn't always indicate a loving, healthy relationship, which seems to be the assumption in a lot of the replies here. I regularly heard my parents, but it was in the context of a very difficult relationship and I found it disturbing and upsetting as I could pick up that it was problematic in some way, even though I didn't understand why at the time. Later conversations with my mum have shown me that my feelings were correct. Context is important.

@TitianaTitsling

Has op said if dh is the father of dd yet? I read on a post she's said l have 3 dc not we.

She also refers to her and her husband as her daughter's parents so, yes, he is her father.

She also said that her daughter has only been disturbed this week and has cried from tiredness, so I think PPs talking about trauma and abuse may want to try some comprehension.

Sorry but reading some of these comments I am shocked. Yes you have a right to a sex life but you also chose to have a child, regardless of age and she has a right to sleep and not have to listen to you having sex.
Regardless of health, no one wants to listen to other people having sex, keep it private.

The fact your husband's need for sex is more important than your daughter's upset, which she expressed to you, worries me.

She has cried as her way of expressing how she is feeling, don't dismiss this. What you think is a moment is something she may be impacted by for the rest of her life...as many other adult posters have expressed from their own experience.

Have sex when she is out the house but give her some time to settle back down without the fear of being woken up every night by you two.
Find a balance...it's not one way or the other

Has op said if dh is the father of dd yet? I read on a post she's said l have 3 dc not we.

Burn the witch, she should be a single mother acting like that! Do you know @TitianaTitsling that many irresponsible parents, rising children in sad and toxic environments are still very married and remain so until the ends of their lives? Most single mothers should be getting a medal for having the balls and strength to raise children alone rather than “staying for the sake of the moneychildren”.

Is DH your DD's dad?

Your dd is upset, so change your habits to look after her feelings. Straight forward solutions as others have said. Wait until she is out, do it downstairs, or the age old classic "book a room"

She doesn't have to hear this, and you don't have to go without, it is possible to easily achieve both, so show some courtesy and love towards your daughter by changing your current arrangement.

On a separate note, how do caravanners manage on holiday? Maybe take some tips from them.

@GetThatHelmetOn

Has op said if dh is the father of dd yet? I read on a post she's said l have 3 dc not we.

Burn the witch, she should be a single mother acting like that! Do you know @TitianaTitsling that many irresponsible parents, rising children in sad and toxic environments are still very married and remain so until the ends of their lives? Most single mothers should be getting a medal for having the balls and strength to raise children alone rather than “staying for the sake of the moneychildren”.

@GetThatHelmetOn Why have you jumped to such a conclusion that this is what people are implying?

@GetThatHelmetOn

Has op said if dh is the father of dd yet? I read on a post she's said l have 3 dc not we.

Burn the witch, she should be a single mother acting like that! Do you know @TitianaTitsling that many irresponsible parents, rising children in sad and toxic environments are still very married and remain so until the ends of their lives? Most single mothers should be getting a medal for having the balls and strength to raise children alone rather than “staying for the sake of the moneychildren”.

Oh do behave!! Where have I vilified single mothers. Climb down from your drama llama. I asked because if he is NOT the dd father he may be less likely to care that a. She hears him having sex with her DM. b That this upsets her. Honestly please accept not all questions are out to condemn single parents!

1. Take the carpet up
2. Fix the floorboards
3. lay down THICK underlay
4. lay down THICK carpet
5. Change slatted bed for a divan (if you have a slatted bed)

I don’t have any advice re. your DH’s insatiable appetite for sex but I feel sorry for your DD.
Please do everything you can so she doesn’t have to listen to it.

Oh my god this thread, I don’t particularly like anyone hearing me to be honest never mind a child. A teen is still developing, hormonal and of course can be tearful. Adults are tearful. Emotions don’t stop in adulthood do they? Because no one told me..... also I’m very working class grew up in a 3 bed semi and I was embarrassed when I woke to hear it. I didn’t want to. It might be ‘pathetic’ of me but I was a developing teen And it made me uncomfortable.

There needs to be a balance here. Her feelings should be noted, listened to and acted on. However your relationship with your husband is also part of family life too. Discussion could happen about healthy relationships if she would participate. I would of been embarrassed to talk about it at her age and I can see why it’s unsettled her hearing you for the first time and maybe realising what you are doing.

Maybe just while she is struggling with her sleep use another room or another time. So she doesn’t hear you, can relax and get her sleep pattern back. Insomnia is awful I regularly cry when I’m frustrated with another night of no sleep before a 13 hour work day. Not a forever solution and not stopping your sex life.

It sounds like she’s winding herself up listening out for it and hypersensitive to any noise that could be that when it could just be you walking across the floor. Difficult.

@GetThatHelmetOn

Has op said if dh is the father of dd yet? I read on a post she's said l have 3 dc not we.

Burn the witch, she should be a single mother acting like that! Do you know @TitianaTitsling that many irresponsible parents, rising children in sad and toxic environments are still very married and remain so until the ends of their lives? Most single mothers should be getting a medal for having the balls and strength to raise children alone rather than “staying for the sake of the moneychildren”.

It would be really worrying if this was a step dad, insisting on having sex every night when a teenage girl could hear him. Step fathers are far more likely to sexually abuse children than birth fathers

Agree with those who say it's your problem to sort out, not hers. I last overheard my parents having sex when I was in my 30s and married myself, and even though I am incredibly pleased they are still happily sexually actively together in their late 60s, it STILL made me feel weird and a bit nauseous.
For a teenager this can be very damaging at a time when they are exploring their own sexuality.
Just wait til the kids are out. If they are teens, it can't be they hard to farm them off somewhere during the weekends etc. Surely more uninhibited and fun for you then too.
Can you afford to take more time away, eg the odd one-night hotel break?

How - just how - can either of you enjoy having sex when you know there is a child listening and becoming upset?

Maybe OP can answer this.

@Mischance

How - just how - can either of you enjoy having sex when you know there is a child listening and becoming upset?

Maybe OP can answer this.

This is it really.

It's not about an argument about whether, generally, a child should be upset about hearing their parents having sex. (Some posters have given different experiences

• every child & family is different)

But in this case, OP's DD is upset, linked to hearing them have sex.

That's enough to do whatever you need to do surely to make sure a) your DD doesn't hear it again and b) she is reassured & able to move on from what she did hear.

@Fressia123

Just tell her it's what you're in a healthy relationship ? Maybe wear ear protection?

Everyone realises it is normal for couple to have sex, but no-one wants to hear it regardless of whether it is your parents or not. Wearing ear protection isn't a solution if you are trying to sleep and/or have to wake to an alarm clock.

I never clicked until I was much older why my mum and dad didn't give me a key to the house while I lived at home, it was so I didn't walk in on them enjoying an empty house. I did hear them occasionally at night and it was gross listening to two old (to me!) people grunting away "quietly".

OP, if it is upsetting your dd you need to do something about it, be a bit more inventive with when and where. Surely it will dampen anyone's "high sex drive" if they realises their daughter can hear them 🤢 and is upset in the next room.

Can you switch rooms so you are in the most soundproof/furthest from the other bedrooms? Might not be the biggest room in the house, but depends on your priorities.

Priorities indeed - it seems that the OP and her partner place their sex life and being in the best/largest bedroom before the well-being of their DD.

All parents face the dilemma of finding ways of having sex without upsetting others in the house. Most of us prioritise the children's emotional well-being.

I guess we all heard our parents having sex at one time or another and have survived, mostly because we probably do not know they have heard or that they are upset. But in this case the participants KNOW that the child is upset and listening to them. They need to respond with her needs in mind and as their priority.

Another one here with awful memories of hearing my parents doing it when I was 13-14. At the time my understanding of adult sexuality was limited to a few racy movies, giggled conversations with my friends and certain dog-eared paperbacks read in whispered tones by torch at sleepovers with my friends. (Forever by Judy Blume primarily.) When I heard my parents I was mostly horrified but a tiny bit curious, and I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. It got to where I was constantly listening for it and then putting a pillow over my head when I heard it.

I don’t know why some people can shrug it off while others are deeply affected but the fact is that OP’s daughter is in the latter camp and clearly she’s not alone. At 14 she is just beginning to learn about all of this adult stuff and her attitudes will be shaped by what happens at home. It is rude and intrusive to knowingly let anyone hear you have sex, especially if you know it makes them uncomfortable, but if it’s your child there is absolutely no excuse.

The fact that some people are describing this situation as ‘abusive’ is frankly laughable. Some people need to realise what real abuse looks like, it’s not this.

@LittleTiger007

Whether it's abuse or not, it's still not right IMO.

Never been so grateful not to have kids!

@BewilderedDoughnut

What is your issue? You have posted on multiple threads, always uselessly, and making the point of how you definitely don't want kids & are so glad you haven't got them.

MN isn't just for parents, that's right. But where topics specifically relate to children & parenting, and family life, contribute if you want to, but if you've nothing constructive to add, maybe scroll past the thread?

@EarringsandLipstick Yep! Happy people usually don't contribute this kind of stuff to threads - they'll just go out and enjoy their happy childless life.