Page 8 | Having sex when teenagers are in the house

CandyLeBonBon · 09/10/2020 23:48

@veraismyspiritanimal

I do wonder if some parents understand teenagers at all. All this explaining its normal in a loving relationship- all it sounds like to your kids is 'ewww seriously stfu' just like parents who try and be trendy and down with the kids by wearing latest fashions and rapping along to Eminem!

Eminem??

Mischance · 09/10/2020 23:50

OP has said she is not prepared to swap rooms, which is the obvious solution. Why might this be? Could it be that one or both of them enjoy the fact that they are being heard? I cannot see any other explanation.

She and her OH need to respect their DD's distress.

TBH I could not enjoy having sex if I knew my DD was in the room below and upset - there is something deeply unacceptable (and frankly twisted) about that. How can either of you enjoy it under those circumstances? I find that the most concerning aspect of all this. It is almost as if you and your OH enjoy knowing that she is not only hearing it, but upset by it. Who would want to do that to a child of theirs?

Her reaction is entirely normal. Yours is not. Sort yourselves out and do what all of us have always done and make the effort to confine your sexual activity to times and places where your DD will not be upset. The art of silent sex is part of parenting.

PutBabyInTheCorner · 09/10/2020 23:57

People saying it didn't bother them hearing their parents have sex - what?! Surely it's against the laws of nature to hear that and think it's acceptable.
Your daughter is in tears telling you to stop. You're obviously more noisy than you think if you're keeping your child awake.
As others have said, how can you want to have sex knowing your daughter can hear. That's pretty disturbing.
I dealt with an abusive mother years ago who had numerous issues but also had sex in front of her child. It most definitely isn't normal for a child to be involved in your sexual relationship.

Runnerduck34 · 10/10/2020 00:11

Knowing my DC were listening to us having sex would definitely kill the moment for me!
OP your DD could obviously hear you, otherwise she would have had no idea, unless you announced it as you were going upstairs!
No one likes overhearing anyone having sex but as a teenager hearing your parents having sex has got to be the worst and is clearly upsetting her.
Sort out your floorboards, put some soundproofing down, show consideration. The majority of parents do adjust their sex lives to ensure their DC are unaware of it.

DeezNuts420 · 10/10/2020 00:13

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Levatrice · 10/10/2020 00:18

Children getting distressed about hearing this having a “Victorian attitude” ?

Erm no being distressed is a pretty understandable response to this grim and abusive situation.

feministfemme · 10/10/2020 00:21

@Levatrice
Yep! Also let's factor in that if a child DID have a "Victorian attitude" then that's completely fine too. There should be no expectations of children and sex in any context - if children want to speak about sex to a trusted adult then they can, but OP's child is clearly very upset and uncomfortable around this sexual topic.

Levatrice · 10/10/2020 00:26

@feministfemme completely agree

SkiingIsHeaven · 10/10/2020 00:26

Tie sponges to your feet and do it standing up.

NellyJames · 10/10/2020 00:30

OP has said she is not prepared to swap rooms, which is the obvious solution. Why might this be? Could it be that one or both of them enjoy the fact that they are being heard? I cannot see any other explanation.

Really? Really?
You really cannot see any other explanation? I wouldn’t be prepared to swap my bedroom with any of my 3 children either. Not because I get a kick out of them hearing me have sex though. But because our bedroom is about three times the size of theirs. It also has a newly fitted dressing room and a beautiful en-suite. You don’t think that that type of reason could possibly be likely rather than the idea that parents want their children to hear them having sex? FFS

StopMakingShitUp · 10/10/2020 00:54

There's some seriously sensitive people on this thread. I wonder if the poster who said maybe it is a middle class thing to be horrified by sex is right?

Im as working class, grew up on council house with my siblings and I can very much relate to PPs experience of feeling uncomfortable.

My stepdad used to get annoyed and said that I'm just trying to get attention so I learnt to keep my mouth shut and stop talking to my mum and to not shuffle about or cough to make them aware someone was awake because he got pissed off. It's only as an adult I learnt my Brother could also hear them and was upset by hearing them shagging, then me fake coughing, stepdad telling my mother I'm trying to control them and them continuing to fuck knowing I could hear and was upset. My brother wanted to say something too but felt intimidated after hearing them get angry with me.

My friends on my estate were massively uncomfortable when they heard them one afternoon, three of us we were in the back garden and could hear them though the open window.

Dh was horrified when I told him and he's as working class as they come too.

My brother and I both have trouble sleeping, I've wonder if it could be linked to always being on high alert for the moaning and bouncing noises every night.

I am not horrified by sex either. I have a very close relationship with my 15 year old dd. We talk about sex with ease, shes questioning her own sexual identity at the moment and is able to talk about that with me. She doesn't need to hear me fucking her father to develop a healthy attitude to sex.

Rubybluesy · 10/10/2020 00:56

First world problems! There are far more upsetting things in life than a few squeaky floorboards! All she has to do is put headphones on and turn the music up fgs

feministfemme · 10/10/2020 00:58

@Rubybluesy

Because why express your emotions when you can ignore them and repress? That always works out well in relation to sex as an adult!

FuckYouCorona · 10/10/2020 01:43

Poor kid. It must have taken a LOT for her to bring the subject up. Respect her right to having a good nights sleep without having to listen to sex noises. Your DH's "high sex drive" does not trump the emotional wellbeing of your child. To continue regardless without putting measures in place to stop the disturbance IS abusive!

jessstan1 · 10/10/2020 01:48

op: Dh has a high sex drive so reducing frequency is not really a long term option.
......
I'm not surprised you're 'Tiredandgrumpy'. Don't you have a say?

Your husband could learn some self control.

Have sex when your daughter is out and stop embarrassing her.

dazzlinghaze · 10/10/2020 02:44

I think a lot of people are giving the OP a really hard time here. She's said repeatedly that the daughter can only hear squeaking of the floor/bed and not sex noises, dirty talk or whatever. So her upset will be more over the fact that she's put 2 and 2 together and is aware of what they're doing rather than actually hearing sex.

The OP and her husband should be able to enjoy a sex life in their own home. The daughter is 14 years old, she'll know about sex and that it's a normal thing that couples do. If the sound of a bit of squeaking disturbs her so much she's old enough to put her headphones on or stick a pair of earplugs in. Calling this situation abuse is ridiculous. Obviously if they're making loud sex noises that can be heard throughout the house that's different. The OP has also said she's going to look into extra soundproofing so that would be ideal if they find something that works.

I heard my parents have sex a handful of times while I was growing up and while it grossed me out it hasn't disturbed me. As soon as I realised what I was hearing I just put my earphones in. Now as an adult, even though I don't like to think too deeply about it, I think it's nice that they still have a physical relationship because it means they're probably happy in the relationship.

Holiday21plea · 10/10/2020 03:41

@dazzlinghaze

I think a lot of people are giving the OP a really hard time here. She's said repeatedly that the daughter can only hear squeaking of the floor/bed and not sex noises, dirty talk or whatever. So her upset will be more over the fact that she's put 2 and 2 together and is aware of what they're doing rather than actually hearing sex.

The OP and her husband should be able to enjoy a sex life in their own home. The daughter is 14 years old, she'll know about sex and that it's a normal thing that couples do. If the sound of a bit of squeaking disturbs her so much she's old enough to put her headphones on or stick a pair of earplugs in. Calling this situation abuse is ridiculous. Obviously if they're making loud sex noises that can be heard throughout the house that's different. The OP has also said she's going to look into extra soundproofing so that would be ideal if they find something that works.

I heard my parents have sex a handful of times while I was growing up and while it grossed me out it hasn't disturbed me. As soon as I realised what I was hearing I just put my earphones in. Now as an adult, even though I don't like to think too deeply about it, I think it's nice that they still have a physical relationship because it means they're probably happy in the relationship.

I think your view is dim. Firstly OPs DD has noticed, some children wouldn’t tell their parents OPs DD has though. She’s even cried. How could OP even relax to have sex knowing that she faces DD in the morning? But that’s ok because the flaw was making noise not OP reaching an orgasm? I just don’t know what’s worse!!

OP has indirectly expose her own DD to sex. Just because you can’t visually see someone having sex it doesn’t make it right

Holiday21plea · 10/10/2020 03:53

@Somethingkindaoooo

Perhaps it's a good time to talk to your child about manners? You are having sex in the privacy of your bedroom, being as quiet as possible. Which is considerate. She should have the manners to ignore.

She does not have the right to know what you are doing, and she doesn't have the right to tell you to stop.

Personally, I would say I was scratching my leg, and if it disturbs her to put in earphones.

People are allowed to do private things in their private bedrooms.

So OP DD is not allowed to speak to her own mother? Why because the topic doesn’t suit OP?

Respect and boundaries is a two way thing. It doesn’t not mean your parents have the right and control to say you have bad manners....

At no point did OPs DD request her mother stop having sex.

What exactly was OP hoping MN suggest? Because other than sort the floor out which is the root of the problem there’s not a lot to suggest here

musicalfrog · 10/10/2020 05:13

It's a shame OP hasn't explained why they can't swap rooms, if there is a reasonable explanation.

If this was my DD I would move heaven and earth to prevent her being upset. I would be unable to sleep for worrying about her. In this case I'd be relieved that this problem was within my own power to solve.

I feel for this young girl, and hope that she got some sleep tonight.

ballsdeep · 10/10/2020 05:18

The thought of having to put on earphones so my parents could Shah makes me feel sick.
She is obviously upset. You just be making some noise .

Hangingover · 10/10/2020 05:44

It is almost as if you and your OH enjoy knowing that she is not only hearing it, but upset by it

Are you high?! NOTHING in the OP suggests this is the case you bloody dramalama.

IHateCoronavirus · 10/10/2020 06:05

Reading your first post, the frequent sex sounded like something that was done on demand from OP’s DH.
I’m no prude but that made me wince. Sex should be because both partners want it, not because one won’t accept anything less. It doesn’t exactly sound like a healthy set up.
Perhaps the op’s DD is so disturbed by the nightly sex noises because it is part of a bigger picture.
At 14 she will likely be thinking ahead to get future, perhaps her parent’s set up is making that a difficult and upsetting process.
To build up the courage to say something was obviously a big thing for her As she ended up in tears. Instead of criticising the poor girl, why not ask yourself what exactly has resulted in the trauma. I doubt very much it is the noises alone.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 06:37

There's a lot of dramatics on this thread. Did nobody ever hear their parents having sex and just go "oh gross, the oldies are having sex" and go back to sleep?

No. Never. Listening to other peoooe shagging is bad at the best of times. Listening to your own parents at it, is not something people normally shrug off. It’s not a normal reaction to shrug that off, not in your early teens.

overthemountainsandfaraway · 10/10/2020 06:37

OP - I think sensible things to do are:

Fix the floorboards

Sit down with your daughter and ask her how she's feeling and see if she'll open up about what she's worried she's hearing. See how she feels about that and listen, validate however she feels or thinks. Make sure she knows her view is important and that you're working to find a solution, but that she can talk to you any time.

Frazzled13 · 10/10/2020 07:37

OP has said she is not prepared to swap rooms, which is the obvious solution. Why might this be? Could it be that one or both of them enjoy the fact that they are being heard? I cannot see any other explanation.

You cannot see any other explanation? Really? There will be many many parents who wouldn’t be willing to switch bedroom with a child. Maybe the room doesn’t fit a double bed? That seems a fairly obvious possibility.