Having sex when teenagers are in the house

[tiredandgrumpy]

Embarrassing problem. Having a dilemma. Turns out our floorboards are very squeaky and since our bedroom is immediately above dd's bedroom, she's getting disturbed.

We're honestly not noisy. Last night I didn't think there was any noise, but dd is in tears because she claims we disturbed her again.

What is the answer? We can try to get better soundproofing in the floor, but is half her upset the knowledge that her parents are up to something she just doesn't want to know about? Dh has a high sex drive so reducing frequency is not really a long term option.

@BooFuckingHoo2, well I can tell you categorically and with some authority that SS would not see this as a cause for concern unless part of a bigger picture. Nor would a teacher flag it as a safeguarding issue if a teen said she had heard her parents having sex and that upset her. Not unless there was something else of concern.

If she's truly upset about it, it's no one's right to invalidate that. Sexual communication with young people is important, sexual exposure is not. If OP's DD feels like it's crossing a boundary, then it's crossing a boundary IMO.

@NellyJames with respect you are wrong because I have personally seen it happen.

@NellyJames how do you know she wasn’t traumatised?

Because she was laughing and joking about it and has joked about it since. When we asked her to come into our room about a month later to talk to her about something and she did exaggerated steps and then said ‘I’m here now, I’m opening the door now’ etc all whilst laughing at us.

Nelly James

Not suggesting that DD has or hasn't been traumatised, but I do think it's important to mention not all trauma is instantaneous. Sometimes you can experience trauma a long time after specific events, or it can affect you subconsciously (particularly in relation to sex).

Hmmm...I used to laugh and joke about “things” at home that had seriously affected me, doesn’t mean I wasn’t traumatised.

@BooFuckingHoo2, well as an ex teacher who is now a SW myself I can say with certainty that there would need to be something else of concern other than a teen reporting that they’d heard their parents having sex in their own bedroom at night. Now if the teen reported that they were made to sleep in the same room or that their parents insisted all fours be kept open or anything else that would indicate intent to sexualise the child it expose the child to sexual behaviour then that would be an issue. But no, just that a child could hear the boards above them squeak, would not cause us to flag anything or get involved in any way.

Just to clarify, I’m not for a second suggesting walking in on your parents at it is akin to severe abuse etc., just that “making jokes” about it doesn’t necessarily mean a child is ok about something. They could be just trying to deal with it in the least embarrassing way they know how.

DD walked into our bedroom at 8am on a Saturday morning and caught us having sex. She was absolutely disgusted in a lighthearted way but I can say with as much certainty as possible that she wasn’t traumatised. We have a very close relationship and talk about boys she likes a lot and about how she’ll know when she’s ready to have sex (her question) and whether she needs to go on the pill or whether she could rely on condoms when the time comes. This all comes from her and I answer as honestly as I can in a way I always have since she asked how babies were made when I was pregnant with my 5yr old DS.

@NellyJames I respect your experiences but unfortunately as you will know the SS policies/triggers are not entirely uniform and different SWs/authorities interpret things differently.

I have personal experience of this happening with a family member, and no there were no other concerns, other than a child being emotionally affected (came out in an eating disorder).

Imagine voluntarily having the child that then ruins your sex life. It’s really ironic.

Me personally I'd be mortified if my child heard me but that's personal opinion.

I was about 15 when I heard my parents at it but my god I never told them I heard them. That's an awkward conversation .

@BewilderedDoughnut

Imagine voluntarily having the child that then ruins your sex life. It’s really ironic.

Give it a rest.

Your DH sounds gross op

Honestly it's a bit grim hearing your parents shagging. It's hard enough being a teenager without that.

@BewilderedDoughnut

Imagine voluntarily having the child that then ruins your sex life. It’s really ironic.

Yeah Alanis Morrisette could have stuck it in her song. It is generally known that children put an end to sex, or at least make it a lot harder! Mostly people are thinking of small kids who want to climb in bed with you, but with a teenager now I realise it doesn't stop!

Perhaps it's a good time to talk to your child about manners?
You are having sex in the privacy of your bedroom, being as quiet as possible. Which is considerate. She should have the manners to ignore.

She does not have the right to know what you are doing, and she doesn't have the right to tell you to stop.

Personally, I would say I was scratching my leg, and if it disturbs her to put in earphones.

People are allowed to do private things in their private bedrooms.

There's some seriously sensitive people on this thread. I wonder if the poster who said maybe it is a middle class thing to be horrified by sex is right?

My parents have always had a really good relationship and I heard them have set a few times. I wasn't delighted and would put music on or whatever but I also had the wherewithal to understand that sex is part of a close, loving relationship.

When I hear what my dh had to hear growing up with parents who didn't have a loving relationship then I'm grateful all I had to hear was a few sex noises. I know which family the children with a more positive,open outlook on relationships come from out of mine and his.

Crying over it is in my opinion unnecessarily dramatic and yes controlling. They weren't screeching and swinging from the chandeliers.

@BooFuckingHoo2 and @NellyJames

We're currently tied up in an investigation (police and children's services) involving a parent and her partner who are facing child sexual offence charges, one which centres around sexual acts performed in front of children.

I was disgusted to hear the severity of the acts, and the additional ones that went on but weren't considered 'enough' to be included in the investigation and subsequent reports.

In the investigation we are seeing, there's seemingly a much higher threshold than I ever thought possible, it really shocked me.

In all honesty, i think a squeaking floorboard and pissed off teen would be the least of children's services worries considering what else is going on.

My parents hated each other - I would have loved to know they where in a loving physical relationship. What I experienced at home was highly damaging for me.
Sex I’d a normal part life I understood it was healthy for children to know there parents loved each other.
13 yr olds are at that 1/2 adult 1/2 child state.
If the bed is squeaking can you get a new bed, put a rug under bed, swab bedroom
Good to ret find out from your daughter if she is anxious about anything else?

@BooFuckingHoo2, well I’m not a medical professional but I’d be surprised if the only trigger for an eating disorder was hearing squeaky floorboards from your parents bedroom.

I have never sought to flaunt sex in front of my children but whenever they saw something on tv or heard something in the playground we discussed it. I explained everything to DD in an age appropriate way first when she was 8 then again more fully at 10 after she asked during my pregnancies. She had always happily asked questions about menstruation and puberty without awkwardness. At her age I’d never have asked my parents but I didn’t grow up shielded from sex at all nor did I grow up thinking it was anything secret or awkward or shameful. I always felt very confident about sex even as a teenager and just saw it as something fun. I’ve tried to teach DD that whilst care and consent are first and foremost, fun is always the motivation.

@longcoffee, yes, sadly that threshold is higher than most people imagine especially where neglect is concerned.
I, too, have been involved in such a case. It was hideous and the children involved were most definitely traumatised. Again, it was a mother and her partner. He enjoyed being watched and filmed so you can imagine.
So please believe me when I say that reports of squeaky floorboards on a different floor, at night whilst everyone is in their own bed wouldn’t even make it to my desk.

And please take my word for it that having dealt with many, many traumatised children showing the spectrum of emotion including none, I’m as sure as I can be that my own DD was not traumatised by barging into our bedroom and catching us at it.

I do wonder if some parents understand teenagers at all. All this explaining its normal in a loving relationship- all it sounds like to your kids is 'ewww seriously stfu' just like parents who try and be trendy and down with the kids by wearing latest fashions and rapping along to Eminem!

Nelly James

Whether or not your DD was traumatised, I think it's at least fair to suggest that OP's DD was very upset. Anybody reasonable isn't advocating for OP to give up that part of her relationship entirely, but it's really inconsiderate of her DD's feelings to keep doing this when it actively upsets her.

I think if OP were listening to her DD's creaky floorboards at night and then getting ignored when she got upset about it, she'd probably cry too (of course in this analogy OP's DD is 16+)

Quick OP, Oliver Cromwell just called and said he wants his thread back. Oh, and how dare you presume to want a sex life?!?