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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15yo son won't move in with SO

98 replies

AnnieH80 · 05/09/2020 10:24

So a long one, my 15yo son and 21yo daughter now hate my partner after he cheated, messaged another woman. We were together for a year and I found messages to this woman not once but twice. He has agreed to go to counselling and promised he wouldn't do it again and I have forgiven him and we really want to make it work. He lived with us for a few months and when I found out there were more messages then I first thought, I asked him to leave. He now lives with his parents and he himself has an 11yo son. My kids hate him for disrespecting me and rightly so. They aren't happy we are trying again and we really want to get a house together and have a fresh start but my 15yo refuses to live with him. I have been in a few failed relationships in the past so my son has had to put up with both his parents going through failed relationships. He got quite upset about the prospect of living with him even though they really got on before all this. My SO really wants to make amends but my children won't speak to him. My 21yo won't speak to him either but doesn't mind the thought of living with him as its a bugger nicer house. On one hand I am very supportive and have frank talks with my 15yo and I try to see his pov but on the other hand do I let him dictate my future too? This is really taking its toll on all of us and I really want everyone to be happy. Help!

OP posts:

Crylittlesister · 05/09/2020 10:26

Your 15 yo sounds much more astute than you. I suggest you stop prioritising the man over your children.

Igotmyholiday · 05/09/2020 10:30

Listen to your children, your new man can move in when your children are older ( the 15 year old). Not saying indefinitely but wait under your child is no longer a child ( from what you've said about dp, he is not a good bet to gamble your relationship with your children on)

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 05/09/2020 10:30

The help you need is to stop foisting your boyfriends on your kids. A year in, he's a boyfriend and one who cheated. Your kids have told you they are sick of your parade of boyfriends/failed relationships in their lives. You're an adult and need to keep that part of your life separate from them for a long, long time until it's in fact a stable, long-term relationship.

This is not.

You have low self-esteem and low boundaries, that's why you're even considering taking back this loser boyfriend of yours who cheated on you.

I would refuse to live with him, too.

Put your kids first for once above your need for a man in your life. Your son has better boundaries than you do!

He cheated. Bin him. STOP bloody dating until you work on your self esteem.

FoolsAssassin · 05/09/2020 10:32

So your 15 year old has:

Seen you have a few failed relationships
Had a guy you hadn’t known for very long move in with you all
Seen guy who you haven’t been with very long cheat on you and you want to continue , despite it being a new relationship

Sorry but if I have understood correctly then I am absolutely with your DS here who seems to be very sensible.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/09/2020 10:32

Move in with him when your kids have both left home. Stop being so desperate for a man that you are trying to force your kid to live with a cheater who you've barely been with more than a year.

PanamaPattie · 05/09/2020 10:33

Listen to your son, get some self esteem and stop being such a victim.

Smallsteps88 · 05/09/2020 10:33

Smart kid. You should talk to him more often. You need his wisdom.

thirdfiddle · 05/09/2020 10:33

He's 15? Maybe just leave it a few years till he's left school and can choose to move out if he doesn't want to come with you. If partner is serious about wanting to make it work, he'll wait.

AnnikaStranded · 05/09/2020 10:34

Why are you in such a hurry? You'd known him less than a year and you moved him into a home with children who had already endured a few of your failed relationships.

Make a promise to your son that you won't even discuss living this man until your son's GCSEs are out of the way.

Spend some time dating this man and let your son relax and be a teenager. In a year's time the man might have rebuilt your son's trust.

And think about the message you're giving your daughter. He's cheating shit but he's a means to an end i.e. a better house. Is that really how you want your daughter to view men?

Grobagsforever · 05/09/2020 10:35

So a cheating, useless man wants a place to live as his other option is mum and dad.

Thank goodness your 15 year old sees through him at least.

Tenner says this post isn't real. No one is that stupid.

PaquitaVariation · 05/09/2020 10:35

Your 15yr old sounds very sensible. He’s apparently learned the lessons that were meant for you - listen to him!

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 05/09/2020 10:35

Your 15yo sounds like the most sensible person in your life tbh.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 05/09/2020 10:36

I agree wait a few months/years at least until your kids actually would want to live with him, it's a big commitment op and he needs to prove himself properly first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2020 10:36

You don’t want them to be happy do you. You want them to play along with your delusion that he’s a goid guy, it’s a decent relationship and a happy family life is possible. It’s not.

He’s repeatedly disrespected you and your relationship history has shattered your self esteem and understanding of healthy dynamics so you think it’s worth it. It’s a bloody miracle your children can see this clearly after what you’ve already put them through.

jazzyroll · 05/09/2020 10:37

Your 15 year old son has more sense than you do.

blanchmange50 · 05/09/2020 10:39

You may be able to forgive but your DC dont need to. Keep your relationship away from your DC home. If it is all so wonderful now that you have forgiven his cheating he wont mind waiting a little longer

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2020 10:41

I think you need to listen to your children. Why is the word of a lying cheat more important than that of your son?

You, and your children, are worth more than this. Be single, work on your self esteem.

ConfusedDotCom123 · 05/09/2020 10:42

I’m with your son on this

HotSauceCommittee · 05/09/2020 10:44

Listen to your kids. They are smart. They know.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2020 10:45

You seem very determined to repeat your history of shit relationships. Your son is far more mature and sensible than you are.

YummyJamDoughnut · 05/09/2020 10:45

Regardless of the reason, if your son doesn't want to live with him, then you can't either. You have to prioritise your sons wellbeing over your own wants and forcing him to live with somebody he doesn't want to is not doing that.

Your son is being loyal to you, put him first.

And ditch the man, he sounds awful.

LovingLola · 05/09/2020 10:48

and I really want everyone to be happy.

You mean you want you and your lying cheating boyfriend to be happy ..

Tinty · 05/09/2020 10:48

Wow, so you really want to teach your 21 year old Dd that staying with a twice cheating scumbag is a good relationship model?

rottiemum88 · 05/09/2020 10:49

I really want everyone to be happy

This isn't really true though is it OP? What you actually want is to live happily ever after with your cheating scum boyfriend and have your DS not make a fuss about it

monkeyonthetable · 05/09/2020 10:52

Don't make your children parent you. It's an unfair burden. It's quite clear they are right about your partner and you are walking blindly towards emotional disaster. Respect your children. Ditch the tosser. Focus on being a proper parent to them. You'll have all that spare energy to devote to them when you are not coping with his infidelities.

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