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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15yo son won't move in with SO

98 replies

AnnieH80 · 05/09/2020 10:24

So a long one, my 15yo son and 21yo daughter now hate my partner after he cheated, messaged another woman. We were together for a year and I found messages to this woman not once but twice. He has agreed to go to counselling and promised he wouldn't do it again and I have forgiven him and we really want to make it work. He lived with us for a few months and when I found out there were more messages then I first thought, I asked him to leave. He now lives with his parents and he himself has an 11yo son. My kids hate him for disrespecting me and rightly so. They aren't happy we are trying again and we really want to get a house together and have a fresh start but my 15yo refuses to live with him. I have been in a few failed relationships in the past so my son has had to put up with both his parents going through failed relationships. He got quite upset about the prospect of living with him even though they really got on before all this. My SO really wants to make amends but my children won't speak to him. My 21yo won't speak to him either but doesn't mind the thought of living with him as its a bugger nicer house. On one hand I am very supportive and have frank talks with my 15yo and I try to see his pov but on the other hand do I let him dictate my future too? This is really taking its toll on all of us and I really want everyone to be happy. Help!

OP posts:

BlueDream · 05/09/2020 10:54

Your children sound very sensible.

Wait until they've both left home, then move in with the cheater if you're still together by then.

Winner2020 · 05/09/2020 10:56

Listen to your kids. You say yourself you have a history of failed relationships, why would you knowingly keep exposing your kids to this?

I was a single parent for a long time, so I know it can be difficult. However you acknowledge the problems in this relationship and how it has affected your children, so I can't understand why you would continue with it?

AugieMarch · 05/09/2020 11:02

Listen to your 15 year old child. They seem to have more sense about this relationship than you do. Why are continuing to expose your children to this terrible example of a relationship? Do not move in with this cheater. What kind of example would that set for your children?

MaliceOrgan · 05/09/2020 11:03

Listen to your son and stop being such a bad role model. Next time wait until you introduce a partner.

Also, you call him a SO. He is NOT significant - he's a serial cheat

iamabox · 05/09/2020 11:04

Are you so desperate to be in a relationship (with a man who treated you like shite) that you are willing to damage the relationship you have with your children. Sad.

CremeEggThief · 05/09/2020 11:05

Put your kids first.

ZolaGrey · 05/09/2020 11:06

Listen to your children.

Chloemol · 05/09/2020 11:06

You need to be honest with yourself

You say you want everyone to be happy, actually you only want you and your boyfriend to be happy

You say your son has seen lots of your failed relationships, actually you want to continue with someone who has cheated on you twice already so are quite happy for your son to see yet another failed relationship

You son has got upset about the thought of having to live with this man, but actually you don’t care, you see this as him ‘ dictating’ to you when in fact he’s telling you how he feels

Your 15 year old son has more common sense and ability to see what’s going to happen than you. You are not a good role model, consistently putting your needs before those of your children and all you are showing them is how not to have a relationship, not how to have a good loving relationship with someone

HEs cheated twice he’s not a good example of how to behave either, yet you want him to be involved in your kids life!

He will cheat again, you will have a further failed relationship ( so might as well stop it now), your kids won’t thank you for this, you will be damaging your relationship with your kids, prepared to put a cheating man before them

Stop the relationship now, and build the relationship with your children

Toilenstripes · 05/09/2020 11:06

You’ve got great kids. Stop being so stupid.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/09/2020 11:07

As everyone else says...listen to your kids. You moved him in very quickly didn’t you? You should be prioritising them

jessstan2 · 05/09/2020 11:08

@Igotmyholiday

Listen to your children, your new man can move in when your children are older ( the 15 year old). Not saying indefinitely but wait under your child is no longer a child ( from what you've said about dp, he is not a good bet to gamble your relationship with your children on)

That is so right!

Enjoy being without a live in partner for a while, there is nothing like it in the world.

BiBabbles · 05/09/2020 11:09

I agree with pp that the 15-year-old sounds sensible.

Buying a new house is a terrible fresh start move. I may be biased because my parents tried it a handful of times and every time things just got worse, but I've also never seen it work (and it's the start to so many horror movies...).

It's essentially 'this isn't working so let's add debt and the stress of a move on top of it and see if that works'. A house being new and bigger will not solve the problems in a relationship with a liar. It'll just be a bigger barrier to stopping the problem. It'll be harder to kick him out if he cheats again if you buy a house together or even alone if the debt is too high to handle alone too.

You can't be happy in the long-term in a home with someone who has no issue lying to you. Even with loved ones, better to mourn the person we wish they were and get some space from them than to take on that kind of burden and put it onto kids as well.

AbbieFB · 05/09/2020 11:11

Your 15 year old is doing you a favour.

Why are you in a rush to move in with a partner (?) who has form for cheating on you.

The likelihood is that he will do it again and then there's more disruption for your kids. Presumably your 15 year old is in a very important year school wise, why not prioritise him and his needs rather than the wants of a cheater?

Techway · 05/09/2020 11:12

So a cheating, useless man wants a place to live as his other option is mum and dad

100% agree with this. He is only doing this because he sees you as an option to escape his parents and the OW didn't work out.

Your 21 year old probadly feels she has more choices to move out WHEN, not if it goes wrong again.

BTW, if you are mad keen to restart the relationship after cheating and want a fresh start you should reset the clock to day 0 as he ruined your previous relationship history. He doesnt get to restart from where he destroyed the trust.

VodselForDinner · 05/09/2020 11:15

I have been in a few failed relationships in the past so my son has had to put up with both his parents going through failed relationships

That poor kid.

Any chance you’d maybe consider prioritising your children over your sex love for just a little while?

What they’re seeing from you is going to shape their future relationships. I’d be worried because it doesn’t sound great.

Your boyfriend is a cheating pig. You’re a fool to put up with him. You’re going to end up pushing your children away, and very lonely. Chances are the boyfriend won’t stick around forever, the kids will be gone, and you’ll be wondering where you went wrong.

Here. Here is where you’re going wrong. Your children are unhappy because of what you’re doing.

I really want everyone to be happy

No, you want your boyfriend to be happy.
Then you’ll be happy if he stays in your bed but you’ll always be on edge waiting for signs of more cheating.
Your children will be stuck in a house with a man they dislike, and a mother who is disinterest in them.

By the way, when you kicked him out he went back to his parents?! Assuming this this is well into his 30s/40s, why isn’t he standing on his own two feet? Are you subsidising him financially?

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 05/09/2020 11:31

You're being selfish.

Your 15 year old CHILD has had enough.

Listen to him.

Original poster

AnnieH80 · 05/09/2020 11:35

It is true I have massive self esteem issues and I know what I am. I didn't mention that I've just found out that I am pregnant with his child. Please do not attack me I know what a mess this all is. I do want my kids to be happy above all.

OP posts:

Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/09/2020 11:37

You have made some bad decisions and seem to be letting your lovely kids down. You can turn this around and put them first now though.
Do you definitely want to go ahead with this pregnancy?

LovingLola · 05/09/2020 11:37

I’d say the pregnancy will be the nail in the coffin of the relationship with your son.

wishingitwasfriday · 05/09/2020 11:40

I don't think you'll pay attention to what anyone says on here but, if I were you, I'd abort the pregnancy, dump the man and concentrate on the children you have. If you proceed with the preganacy and relationship then you'll just go round in the same circle forever. He'll cheat, you'll forgive him, your children will lose any respect for you and will go very low contact with you. Is that what you want?

AbbieFB · 05/09/2020 11:40

Being pregnant still doesn't mean you need to move in together. This 'man' is a cheat. If you choose to continue with the pregnancy, it doesn't mean you have to continue with the relationship as well.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 05/09/2020 11:43

I think being pregnant is even more of a reason not to move in with him. You'll just be even more entangled and find it more difficult to get rid of him when you finally wake up.
Your poor kids.

AintPageantMaterial · 05/09/2020 11:43

I really want everyone to be happy
I believe you OP. I’m certain this is true but, unfortunately, that’s not one of the choices. In this situation, everyone cannot and will not be happy.
Sadly, it is your responsibility to choose who will not be happy and that shouldn’t be your son because he has sensible reasons behind his position and he is at a vulnerable age where, above all, he needs to know that you listen to him and put him first.
If your DP is genuinely sorry and wishes to prioritise you and your needs, he will wait. If he doesn’t wait, he wasn’t worth it.

PerveenMistry · 05/09/2020 11:43

@Crylittlesister

Your 15 yo sounds much more astute than you. I suggest you stop prioritising the man over your children.

Spot on.

Original poster

AnnieH80 · 05/09/2020 11:44

I have made awful decisions but I am taking all these messages on board. My children mean more to me thank anyone else and if he wants to make it work he will understand I'm putting them first. Thank you

OP posts:

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