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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15yo son won't move in with SO

98 replies

AnnieH80 · 05/09/2020 10:24

So a long one, my 15yo son and 21yo daughter now hate my partner after he cheated, messaged another woman. We were together for a year and I found messages to this woman not once but twice. He has agreed to go to counselling and promised he wouldn't do it again and I have forgiven him and we really want to make it work. He lived with us for a few months and when I found out there were more messages then I first thought, I asked him to leave. He now lives with his parents and he himself has an 11yo son. My kids hate him for disrespecting me and rightly so. They aren't happy we are trying again and we really want to get a house together and have a fresh start but my 15yo refuses to live with him. I have been in a few failed relationships in the past so my son has had to put up with both his parents going through failed relationships. He got quite upset about the prospect of living with him even though they really got on before all this. My SO really wants to make amends but my children won't speak to him. My 21yo won't speak to him either but doesn't mind the thought of living with him as its a bugger nicer house. On one hand I am very supportive and have frank talks with my 15yo and I try to see his pov but on the other hand do I let him dictate my future too? This is really taking its toll on all of us and I really want everyone to be happy. Help!

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 05/09/2020 11:45

If you actually mean it that you want your kids to be happy then listen to them and don’t try and force them to live with someone that treats their family so badly.

My mum did this to me as a teenager, I’m mid forties now, we get on on the surface but I still haven’t forgiven her and our relationship is crap because of it. She still goes about thinking she did nothing wrong though and wondering why she doesn’t have the relationship with me that her friends have with their daughters.

littlecatfeet · 05/09/2020 11:48

@AnnieH80

It is true I have massive self esteem issues and I know what I am. I didn't mention that I've just found out that I am pregnant with his child. Please do not attack me I know what a mess this all is. I do want my kids to be happy above all.

Gosh, what a believable story this all is.

SeasonFinale · 05/09/2020 11:50

@AnnieH80

inbetween the two posts?

Original poster

AnnieH80 · 05/09/2020 11:50

Very similar to my situation, my mother never had great relationships and I don't think knows how to love, we are not close and I didn't have a father, so cliche I know, I want a better relationship with my kids. And I will have, this is why I needed advice from same, 'normal' people. Thank you

OP posts:

doodleygirl · 05/09/2020 11:53

Please make him leave. It will get so much worse now you are pregnant. You need to concentrate on your children and on you.

I think you would benefit from The Freedom Programme. You need to learn to live alone and be happy. Continuous bad choices in men just make everything worse. Good luck

Goawayquickly · 05/09/2020 11:55

Of course you're pregnant 🙄

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 05/09/2020 11:57

Yeah, of course you're pregnant .

Coffeecak3 · 05/09/2020 11:59

Do you want the baby?
Can you manage as a single parent with a baby?
Your poor ds. Sit down and talk to him properly and treat his opinion with respect.

Your dp is not fit to wipe his shoes.
And a big house is just a fancy prison in a bad relationship.

netflixismysidehustle · 05/09/2020 12:04

Your poor 15yo

He's not dictating your life- he's tried being a blended family with this guy and it's been a disaster and you want to drag him through more heartbreak and disaster.

Just because you're pregnant it doesn't mean that you have to be with him. Put the children first.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 05/09/2020 12:05

your being a horrible role model for your children so well done you

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 05/09/2020 12:05

He has agreed to go to counselling and promised he wouldn't do it again and I have forgiven him and we really want to make it work. He lived with us for a few months and when I found out there were more messages then I first thought, I asked him to leave. He now lives with his parents and he himself has an 11yo son.

Hardly seems worth the trouble to repeat what everyone has already said. But maybe you need the repetition.

You don't have a partner.

You met a useless man who wanted a shag and saw the opportunity of improving his living conditions through you. "Counselling" won't cure him of not loving you or caring about you.

He has no respect for you.

And if he cared at all about your family he would not be rushing to become part of it.

Of course he wants somewhere other than his parents' home for himself and the child he already has (if he sees them at all).

I cannot begin to imagine the despair your children must feel.

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 05/09/2020 12:07

Really hope this is another Creative Writing /Reddit fodder invention ...

ConfusedDotCom123 · 05/09/2020 12:09

Op I beleive you.

Pls don’t move in with this man. I know you will regardless. It’s that dopamine effect isn’t it, he is probably charming you and you’re pregnant and vulnerable.

Your poor kids. But hopefully you will have this advice to fall back on when you are dopamine free.

Please don’t move in with this man and tell him to wait. I think it’s only sensible That the consequences of his actions will mean he needs to regain trust of everyone involved whixh includes your children.

Moving in together when you only knew each other for a year and this has happened already sounds irresponsible

Your son is taking the mental burden of having to direct you and parent you when he should be carefree and focused on his own future..

He loves you very very much but if you push him to the edge he will soon have to choose between you and his own sanity and you will lose him.

Pls put his needs somewhere on ur priority list. He needs a sense of security and it means him feeling assured that his mum isn’t throwing herself into shit before his own eyes and dragging him with her.

You owe him to justify ur every decision because you also have let him down with your impulsive uncalculated irresponsible decision making and you are gonna have to learn to think your decisions through and stop being emotionally volatile.

Grobagsforever · 05/09/2020 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WendyHoused · 05/09/2020 12:16

Do not chose this idiot over your own child. Your son has been through more than enough.

Having a child with this cheating waste of space isn’t terribly wise either.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/09/2020 12:28

I have made awful decisions but I am taking all these messages on board. My children mean more to me thank anyone else and if he wants to make it work he will understand I'm putting them first. Thank you

But you aren't putting them first, Are you? You are putting a cheating wastrel first. They've had to put up with your previous failed relationships before.

LadyLairdArgyll · 05/09/2020 13:53

wow just wow

your poor Som can see through this Creep, and you can't.

pregnant or not I'm Team Son 🌺

VodselForDinner · 05/09/2020 14:06

I am pregnant

And what will you be naming the twins?

BarbedBloom · 05/09/2020 14:12

I also suspect the baby will destroy your relationship with your children. What a mess

MarleyTheDog · 05/09/2020 14:27

You have a choice
Either -
Set up home with a lying, cheating scumbag, have his baby and piss your DS off enough that he will cut you out of his life completely
OR -
Listen to your 15 year old DS, who has more sense in his little toe than you have in your brain, have a termination and cut useless tosser out of your life completely. There are more fish in the sea - most of them decent.

Personally I’d go with number 2. The choice is yours. Your life....

I wish your DS all the best for a great future.....With or without you!

megletthesecond · 05/09/2020 14:30

I agree with your son. You're letting your useless partners mess up your lives.

Don't bother with a serious relationship until he's older.

JamieLeeCurtains · 05/09/2020 14:37

@AnnieH80

@AnnieH80, this is such a mess but you have choices. A very early pregnancy, for example, is not irrevocable.

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 05/09/2020 14:43

So, anyway, this "partner" clearly can't afford a home for himself (and his child). How exactly, OP is he planning to support you through maternity, and his new child for the next couple of decades?

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/09/2020 14:44

I didn't mention that I've just found out that I am pregnant with his child
And bingo. There's the full house.

My heart just breaks for kids who have parents like this. I am sorry that you have self esteem issues but it's your responsibility to ensure that these don't affect your children and you just haven't done that at all.

This almost doesn't sound genuine to me because it just seems unbelievable that someone could make the choices that you have and put their various romantic interests and their sex life before the needs of their own children, but we all know it happens way too often. Focus on your children. You sound like a 14 year old.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2020 14:51

Being pregnant doesn’t absolve you of being stupid or being judged. Was it a planned pregnancy? Are you hoping it’ll stop him playing away? It won’t.

You’ve got 3 kids between you already. Why can’t you put them first?

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