The majority of dds friends are either gay, bi, pan or trans

[Mrschickpeabody]

She insists she’s ‘straight’. We’ve assured her we’d have no problem at all if she wasn’t as long as she’s happy. Every day someone in her friendship circle comes out as pan or decides they’re bi and not gay. One friend has just realised she is trans and has a new name and is referred to as a he now. They are about to go into year 9 so she 13-14. Is this remotely ‘normal’.

I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest. I'm quite old and thought I had a crush on Madonna as a 9 year old. Turns out I just admired her for being sexually liberated and a good performer, but I straight up thought I was a lesbian and agonised about it for weeks. If my friends had found out about it at the time my life would have been hell.
Thankfully kids aren't like that now, they accept and even embrace their differences. It's either a passing phase or a desire to set themselves apart from the social norm, don't fret. Nine times out of ten you'll be beating the opposite sex off with a stick soon enough.

I would suggest anyone who thinks it's all harmless self expression look at the Keira Bell case. This some of the text from her crowdfunder:

I am Keira Bell, an ex patient of Tavistock’s Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) for under 18's, and later the adult Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) in London. I am now in my early 20’s and I began the process of medical transition in an attempt to change my sex to male at the age of 16. I was a gender non-conforming child and later struggled with hatred for my female body, low self-esteem and found it hard to connect with people throughout my teens. At the age of 14 I really began to struggle with my sense of identity and especially the thought of becoming a woman. I thought I found the answer to my problems when I discovered transsexualism and stories of transsexual people on the internet. Soon after, I began to pursue this path. This led to the GIDS where I was welcomed and affirmed as a boy. It wasn't long before I was injecting GnRHa analogues ("puberty blockers"), then cross sex-hormones and when I was 20 a double mastectomy procedure. By then I had believed a lie (that my real problem was being trapped in the wrong body) and had been helped to believe that lie by the very people who were meant to help me.

I was initially very happy with my decision, the results of cross-sex hormones and surgery. I felt that finally I could start to live in peace as a man. However, some years later this began to wear off and I realised that the real distress I was experiencing (and had experienced as a child) was connected to the trauma & many challenges of my childhood and adolescence.

I began ‘detransitioning’ (stopped the process of medical transition) over a year ago. In my tormented state of mind I was not able to identify how incredibly destructive transition was. As an adult I now realise that medical transition was unnecessary and something I wish I had avoided. However I have now been left with the life-long consequences of medical treatment for gender/sex dysphoria (including a deep voice, facial hair and no breasts). I had peripheral doubts on and off throughout transitioning but pushed through these after reading online comments by other trans people that doubt is normal and by being affirmed as a boy by the clinical team that worked with me. I now reject the harmful concept of gender identity (in terms of your brain and/or soul having a gender) and the idea that someone can be born in the wrong body.

Surely it should be a case of "yes love, ill support you" regardless of whether its a fad or not. Surely parents aren't going to downplay their child's choices?

What do you mean by downplay their choices?

These are children playing at being adults, it’s hard to know who’s on the bandwagon and who really needs support.

Which is what a PP commented on, those who really need the support are being drowned out by those deciding they are gay/bi/trans.

SirSamuel - I think the issue often is for parents of teens is that if you try to discuss with them the realities of transition you will be seen as out of touch / transphobic / old / bigoted.
Similarly even if any teens are questioning of why all their friends are suddenly gay / bi / pan / trans, they absolutely can’t say this in front of their friends or they will be a social outcast.

I think the really positive aspect is that all forms of sexuality are accepted as totally normal. This certainly wasn’t the case when I was a teen.

I think the negative aspect is that nothing can be questioned, and teens may be following a path they don’t really understand and are not emotionally ready for, because everyone else is doing it.

One of DD’s friends ‘came out’ as asexual at 11. This is the language they all use now. On one level it’s harmless. On another level it pains me to think of this poor girl - not even half way through puberty yet and going through all the drama of starting secondary school and all that - worrying about her lack of sexual feeling and having to give herself a label to justify herself.

Agree with this. Dd is almost 14 and for a time told me she thought she must be asexual as she didn't know who or what she likes and she thought she should by now. I told her I thought there's far too much obsession with this and she doesn't need to know anything about her sexuality just yet, she will know when she knows. I have to say I think the focus on this is ridiculous and not particularly healthy. All the teens I know are obsessed with it. Where's it coming from?

I straight up thought I was a lesbian and agonised about it for weeks. If my friends had found out about it at the time my life would have been hell.
Thankfully kids aren't like that now, they accept and even embrace their differences.

They may accept their own differences. Whether they accept other people’s is another matter.

Earlier this year I attended a conference for schools, health agencies, etc about supporting LGBQT+ young people. At one point a group of young trans people took the stage to act out a Q&A - the questions didn’t come from the floor, i.e. the delegates to the conference, but from the young people themselves. In other words, one would ask a question and the others would answer. Their comments about heterosexual people, in “nuclear families” (said with a sneer), were that we are a bunch of old-fashioned bigots, who don’t understand the new world order and basically need to shut up and let them educate us. A couple of older women on my table said they found it all very divisive.

The young people came across as not wanting to acknowledge the existence of anyone who wasn’t obsessed with gender identity ideology and reluctant to accept that there are some people who don’t see the world as they do.

Oh and as for being an ally - utter bullshit and I tell my kids so. I won't encourage my children to "centre" anyone but themselves in their lives.

I thought I was asexual as a teen. The boys at my school were a grim bunch

The thing is, I don't know if it is more accepting of gay people or not. It's almost like the whole thing is now treated as a performance.

If I were actually gay and feeling uncertain about my life, I don't know how I'd feel about my friends saying that yes, they were too, or insisting that pansexual is more inclusive, when really they were just playing around. Would it make me feel better? I mean, maybe, I don't know, and it's better than total non-acceptance. But I wonder if its really more understanding or just another subtle form of othering.

The pearl clutching on this thread is hilarious.

Some people are gay. Some are bi. Some are pan. Some are trans. Many experiment as teenagers.

As long as we're not talking about hormones or surgery (there is no indication in the OP that's the case) then what on earth is the harm?

I won't encourage my children to "centre" anyone but themselves in their lives.

You literally bring your kids up to be self-centered? Do you teach them to respond to racism with 'all lives matter' too?

I know gay people in Keighley. I think you'll find people of all persuasions in all places!
Homosexuality is not restricted to the middle classes..
Interestingly, my teen DD says 'pan' is increasingly viewed as exclusionary and (I can't think of a better word) 'try hard' - the insinuation that's it's better/cooler than 'bi' is being seen through. Ditto 'cis'. Realising that generally people are more complicated and nuanced than polarised stereotypes leads you to question the veracity of some labels.

SapphosRock

I’d that’s your thoughts then you aren’t getting it.

I think the experimental aspects are reflective of greater acceptance myself. Kids are seeing more than just het relationships in the media. So they are more relaxed about seeing if that resonates with them. I don't think much of it is 'pretend' as it's still not an entirely neutral 'choice' and can come with negativity from peers or family.
I also wonder how much for girls is around the fact that you often form quite intense relationships with other girls and it's all quite new. Teasing out whether this is a life long orientation will be clearer for some than others.

@SapphosRock

I won't encourage my children to "centre" anyone but themselves in their lives.

You literally bring your kids up to be self-centered? Do you teach them to respond to racism with 'all lives matter' too?

Don't be silly @SapphosRock

Race issues are entirely separate to created drama and concepts around gender and sexuality in teenagers. In that respect and on a day to day basis in other areas I do encourage them to centre themselves, yes. They love their families and friends and are kind and generous towards them and friendly and approachable to others but I certainly don't push them towards "centring" random people and their sexualities or ideologies no. Why should I?

As for "pearl clutching". I don't think that's happening. I think most people find it all rather tiresome and can't really understand the obsession with it and are sick of hearing about it.

I think most people find it all rather tiresome and can't really understand the obsession with it and are sick of hearing about it

Perfect l. Well said.

those who really need the support are being drowned out by those deciding they are gay/bi/trans.

This makes absolutely no sense. Are you saying straight people are the only ones deserving of 'support'? Or teenagers experimenting don't deserve it?

Support from who?

How is experimenting with being gay/bi/trans stealing support from anyone? Surely those who are very happy and confident in their sexuality / identity need less support than those who are unsure?

Is there limited support to go around? Must you pass an LGBT entrance exam before support is offered?

Nah, I don't think "pearl clutching" is a good description to use at all here.

For one thing, its a pretty sexist term (since it always implies a sort of upper-class, female, horrified gasp). For another, people don't seem horrified in these comments. They just seem tired, bored and eye-rolly at it all.

Personally I'm uncomfortable at the appropriation elements going on in schools these days, I've worked out what it reminds me of - when I said "I'm autistic so xyz is difficult for me" and my HR rep said (in an attempt to be kind), "well everyone's on the spectrum a bit aren't they?"

Very important for children not to centre other people in their lives. They need to centre themselves and their own needs and boundaries. Centring someone else is exactly how boundaries get eroded. This is what self esteem actually is and it is the key to a healthy life.

You’ve misunderstood what’s happening here.

A lot of teens are saying they are gay/by/trans as a way of fitting the narrative. They talk about it non stop. In DDs circle 1 is trans, one is a lesbian one is gender neutral one is straight, one changes in a daily basis. There talk is all about their sexuality and it’s the ONLY thing they talk about. DD is moving away from them because it’s DULL.

They don’t want to talk about music or films or fashion or anything else normal teens talk about.

So if this small sample of girls are trying to fit in by being open, then they’ll be one or two children desperate for help rather than paying it lip service. How are adults supposed to know who’s real are who’s playing?

In my elder daughters year groups MH was the big thing and if you weren’t under CAMHS you were considered strange.

It’s teen angst is a strange form

Personally I'm uncomfortable at the appropriation elements going on in schools these days, I've worked out what it reminds me of - when I said "I'm autistic so xyz is difficult for me" and my HR rep said (in an attempt to be kind), "well everyone's on the spectrum a bit aren't they?"

This!!

Bit like me commenting on a pretty girl on the TV, and being a ‘bit lesbian’

@Mollscroll

Very important for children not to centre other people in their lives. They need to centre themselves and their own needs and boundaries. Centring someone else is exactly how boundaries get eroded. This is what self esteem actually is and it is the key to a healthy life.

Exactly this.

Well, it's certainly better than being in an inappropriately intense relationship with an older male. Maybe it gets them less hassle from boys as well?

Well, it's certainly better than being in an inappropriately intense relationship with an older male. Maybe it gets them less hassle from boys as well?

I think any intense relationship Is worrying really. Plus the fact that these kids will either be straight gay or bi but are trying to be good allys so could well be being coerced into eroding their boundries. Lesbians being told their sexual preference must include those with male body parts. And instead of being allowed a "type" suddenly your sexuality has to include everyone in the form.of pansexual.

None of us care if our kids are gay or straight or bi. We just want them to be happy and loved .

But there is far far far to much emphasis on all of it to be healthy. I know peolw from completely different schools whos kids are also friends who are all coming out too.

And schools are encouraging it all and making a huge deal about it rather than letting it all just work itself out.

Oh my god do people genuinely not understand a flippant remark now?
Do we really have to point out there are gay people in Keighley? How tiring.
All I meant was that from what I gather from friends in London or Sussex this fad is a big thing, whereas up here it's not so much.
I don't think it's at all important for children to "come out" as anything. Aside from the fact that people's sexuality is probably the least interesting thing about them, it's very subject to change, as many people on this thread have mentioned, and whatever a young teenager feels sexually is not really the business of any adult anyway.