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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

The majority of dds friends are either gay, bi, pan or trans

174 replies

Mrschickpeabody · 25/08/2020 15:49

She insists she’s ‘straight’. We’ve assured her we’d have no problem at all if she wasn’t as long as she’s happy. Every day someone in her friendship circle comes out as pan or decides they’re bi and not gay. One friend has just realised she is trans and has a new name and is referred to as a he now. They are about to go into year 9 so she 13-14. Is this remotely ‘normal’.

OP posts:
WrongKindOfFace · 25/08/2020 17:45

@SnuggyBuggy

Also it's not like you have to actually do anything to come out as non-binary or bi
Apart from dye your hair blue. It’s almost like a uniform.
Echobelly · 25/08/2020 17:46

DD (12) is going into Y8 and identifies as queer (not sure yet if lesbian or bi) at least one primary school friend - and she didn't have a big circle - identifies as gay and she has a few mates from new school who are gay and one who identifies as pan.

I don't know, or care, whether DD is really gay or whether it's just that she has a crush on a female friend (which she has told me she does) and that kids now, rather than going 'Oh no, what if I'm gay?' when that happens are going 'I'm probably gay then', which is much healthier than the former! And I suspect a good few of them won't be gay, but it is sort of cool at the moment and it gives you your 'crowd'

I have to say, my experience among my peer of girls I knew who loudly identified as gay at an early age was that they turned out not to be - they just had very liberal parents and liked the idea of being gay because they were unconventional, but that doesn't mean that's always the case of course.

Thisismytimetoshine · 25/08/2020 17:47

@SapphosRock

Same with my group of friends and we're all 30s / 40s. There are a couple of straight people but the majority are gay, bi or queer.

It just means she has good taste in friends.

🙄
CarlottaValdez · 25/08/2020 17:48

If I think about my friends as a teen there were loads of bi women all now married to men.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/08/2020 17:50

Being 'pan' 'bi' (yet likely not actually kissing anyone of the same sex) or 'trans' is very fashionable for teenagers. It's a trend among many teens not all bi or trans teens before people get the wrong idea that spreads very easily. Being straight and 'cis' has very little social capital amongst many young people. I guarantee most of them will be dating the opposite sex exclusively and using their birth names by the time they are 22

SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 25/08/2020 17:51

It just means she has good taste in friends.

And there's the Anything But Straight mentality.

Janaih · 25/08/2020 17:51

Yep standard teen behaviour. Be supportive and do your eye rolling in private.

pineapplepalmtree · 25/08/2020 17:52

people saying they were bi but then marrying men, doesnt mean they turned out straight..

christinarossetti19 · 25/08/2020 17:53

I think 52andBlue makes a good point about the emphasis put on supporting children to explore their gender identity, possibly at the cost of more discussions about emotional readiness, or even health factors like stis or unwanted pregnancy.

13/14 years is the right age to be exploring your identity, relationships etc but sexuality is a part of that not the whole thing.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 25/08/2020 17:56

WTF is 'pan', means 'shags anything', no?

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2020 18:02

@MrsJackRackham

It's the new goth/ punk/ emo. Teenagers need to feel they're rebelling.
^ This, surely?

All teens are obsessed with sexual feelings and hormones and emotions - during puberty it's overwhelming. Loads and loads will haev same-sex crushes, intense attachments, and feel generally horny and confused. Add in the need to find your tribe - like goths/punks/emos - and it's fairly same old same old with queer/bi/pansexual. Trans - well, different opinions abound but to me seems clear it's all part of the same thing and should be treated the same, with a healthy degree of not investing in it so they can climb down any time they like.

Beamur · 25/08/2020 18:03

It's very much what kids of this age talk about and think about.
From my perspective as a parent of a child of this peer group, it's mostly fairly harmless, exploration of self. Be mindful of what your child is reading/interacting with online though. It's not all benign. There are some iffy porn sites and adults out there looking to exploit vulnerable kids.
On the positive side, this generation seem much more relaxed about sexual identity.

Bollocksitshappenedagain · 25/08/2020 18:17

This is interesting my dd about to go into y9 also told me she is gay. Seemed to come out of nowhere other than one of her best friends friend also saying it who is a year younger.

I didn't really say much and haven't brought it up since so it's Interesting to hear it is quite common at that age.

It did seem to be a statement as to be honest she hasn't seemed interested in anyone up until this point as she is a young one and still 12!

Kaiserin · 25/08/2020 18:26

I think if there was absolutely no prejudice in the world it would be perfectly normal for the majority of children to be bi/pan while going through puberty.

This.
Teenagers would probably shag anything if we let them (and they didn't feel so horribly self-conscious)

FelicityPike · 25/08/2020 18:28

Of course it’s normal. Good for her for being a great ally.

Gingaaarghpussy · 25/08/2020 18:42

@Thisismytimetoshine

My child is 15, gay and non binary. Can you explain how it's possible to be gay whilst insisting you're non binary?
No, because I have no clue either.Grin I'm just going with the flow and referring to my child how they wish me to.
StillWeRise · 25/08/2020 18:53

gay/bi/pan all fine (are none of them ace=asexual??) as others have said it's the new goth or whatever- as PP said the crucial thing is that they don't take any irreversible steps, physically or socially. Very hard to change your identity if you've had it tattooed on your thigh or announced in assembly. Hopefully any that are NB will be satisfied with that and not start messing with their physiology.

Okki · 25/08/2020 18:53

My DD is going into YR9. She says she's straight but loads of her peers are something other than straight. One of her friends has recently identified as pansexual and her mother was telling me about her trans boyfriend. I asked DD if her friend had spoken to her about it all and she responded that she knew about it as friend had posted a poll on Instagram asking if she should be bi or pan. So I do wonder if so many young people are either trying to fit in or are truly confused. I also wish having to identify as something wasn't a thing and they could just be.

Both my DC's know we love them both and accept them for who they are, whoever that may be.

StillWeRise · 25/08/2020 18:55

maybe one of these teens can explain to us oldies what the difference is between bi and pan

Echobelly · 25/08/2020 18:56

I am slightly on guard that my DD doesn't get dragged into anything potentially harmful, though I don't think she will. She (still at this point) respects my views, so a bit after she mentioned that she wondered if she was non-binary and was later on talking about someone else being NB, I told her I thought that many people were saying they were NB, not because they had a profound sense of being neither gender, but as a sort of political statement, because they, understandbly, don't like stereotyped gender roles. And I said that overall if you don't like gender roles, my opinion was that it was better to say 'I am female but I don't have to be like this or like that to be a woman' - that is a better way to fight stereotypes than to adopt an identity you say opts you out of the 'rules'. Which she seemed to take in.

TBH, I think the vast, vast majority of girls who have rather out of the blue declared themselves trans boys will desist way before doing themselves any harm, but I'd rather not have to have that discussion, so I just try to remind her that she can choose how she wants to be a woman.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 25/08/2020 19:04

In my day there were whole groups of teens that were pan (mostly girls)

Majority of them are in opposite sex relationships and have been with the opposite sex only since about 18. Some are lesbians now. Some probably are bi

I think it was just so they could join in with pride and be not straight. So they can be part of a marginilised group

lockdownbreakdown · 25/08/2020 19:05

'Thats nice dear!' will suffice. All my friends , out of a group of twenty all had a go at being Bi or Gay and this was the early nineties. We were all at theatre group and huge indie fans. Out of that group we got one real lesbian and one real gay man. The rest are all suit wearing, married to the opposite sex with kids. Its just a way to be interesting when you are young. The self harming because that's what Kirk Cobain did was more worrying I think.

TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 19:08

I am reminded on Huey Lewis and Hip to be Square.

When everyone is queer then "cis" and straight becomes the new special.

Elsiebear90 · 25/08/2020 19:10

Just because someone who has said they’re bi has married a man or only had public relationships with men doesn’t mean they’re not bi, they might have a preference for men, or they might have some internalised biphobia so hide their same sex relationships or only date men because it’s “easier” for them. I’m gay and have dated a lot of women like this, everyone assumes they’re straight or not really bi, but behind closed doors they’re dating and having sex with women. I think it’s better that young people feel comfortable to be open about their same sex attractions whether they’re just a “phase” or “experimenting” than feel shame and a need to hide them like I did.

Annasgirl · 25/08/2020 19:13

@SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito

It's a fad. The worst thing in the world for a teen to be right now is straight and white. If they can't identify out of whiteness they'll identify into anything else.

Twenty quid that in twenty years there's maybe one of them who is actually gay.

This 100%.

Although OP you do seem a little put-out that you haven't gotten yourself a "trans" or "pan" teen - perhaps buy a cockadoodle, I think they hit the same level of 'hip' in certain social circles.