DD won’t use tampons

[ForPitySake]

Some advice please. DD is 14 and has been coping OK with periods but is refusing to use tampons. This means the swimming she has always loved needs to stop as we can’t keep paying for lessons she’s not turning up to just because she won’t use them. I’ve tried talking to her but she is very defensive and shuts down and won’t discuss it so I don’t know what she doesn’t like or what she is struggling with. She finds it very hard to talk about it and I’m getting nowhere. I can’t help if I don’t know the problem. She loves her swimming but this is now such a stumbling block for her, I don’t know how to help. Any suggestions?

Please don’t think I’m forcing her into this as I’m not. It’s such a shame for her to give up what she’s always loved when she has an option

Yet your posts talk of missing lessons and wasted money.

You might not think it but you are using language to coerce your Dd into giving up something she loves.

As for the swimming teacher. I find that attitude quite sexist.

Unless there is a girl who is a very late developer is he saying that all girls can’t progress.

My mother forced me to use tampons -lilets thing which I just could not do and could not get on with. She then compromised by letting me use tampax as "it was better" I used tampax and hated it for 15 years. Heavy periods -awful. At the aged of 35 I was staying with my friend and we were in the middle of nowhere and no tampax and I used her san towels -for the first time ever the pain (cramps) was no where near as bad -and my period went from 2 weeks to a week long. Thinking it was fluke I tried it again next month. The same thing. Periods were suddenly 50% less and much easier and to be honest I never went back. I've brought DC1 san towels, tampax and some other brands and offered to get her swimming pants and period pants and try what works best for her. She hasn't started yet but I would not encourage her to wear one thing or another I'd encourage her to do what she wants.

@TryAnotherNickname

How do you non-tampon users deal with holidays and beach days? Can’t use the modi bodi as (a) they are highly visible and (b) No daily laundry facilities. Dd due on our holiday next week, is only her 4th time. Really don’t want her to miss out (used tampons from day 1 myself)

I didn't use them until late teens. Beach holidays were not common in my teens so not a big issue. In fact, the issue is still there if I want to go swimming and am expecting my period. Can't use a tampon in anticipation so I just don't go swimming around that time. I don't see why it's a problem unless you're a really avid swimmer.

Why can’t you accept that she finds it embarrassing to talk about?

I’m late 20s and have only used a tampon once- I just really dislike them! I always thought I was unusual but it appears not from reading this thread.

@TryAnotherNickname

How do you non-tampon users deal with holidays and beach days? Can’t use the modi bodi as (a) they are highly visible and (b) No daily laundry facilities. Dd due on our holiday next week, is only her 4th time. Really don’t want her to miss out (used tampons from day 1 myself)

heavy bleeders have the same problem, tampon or not!

You don't... you wear shorts instead of a bikini, you pack A LOT of specific underwear, and a dark towel to protect from possible night leaks or when sitting down in a car (or use a dark hoodie if you don't want other people to guess)

The level of discomfort really depends on the level of bleeding, it might not be that much for a younger girl , just prepare for the worst case.

It's shit. But for (too) many girls and women, it also means being curled up in pain too...

The lack of help and research about such a natural issue is depressing when you think about it (not your question, I mean from the medical world in general)

"why should everybody HAVE to be comfortable discussing their vaginas with anyone, even their mother?"

Or especially their mother!

Remember your daughter is only fourteen and whilst some girls of that age are quite sophisticated not all are yet comfortable with putting things in their bodies

Can we just fucking stop with equating sophistication and being grown up with using tampons. It’s stupid and unhelpful. And encourages young girls to do things they may not be comfortable with in order to be more grown up. Just have a think about why that might be problematic.

I’m really surprised at the nasty comments you’ve had here OP.

When I was young I missed an entire term of swimming lessons because my period was unpredictable and I bled almost every week for 2-3 weeks then spotted off and on. Granted, I was younger than your DD and my mum wouldn’t allow me to use tampons, but I missed a lot. I also missed a lot of ballet lessons because I would flood through pads and was hugely embarrassed. I can absolutely see why OP would say no to lessons that cost money but aren’t being used. I can also see why your daughter would be embarrassed to talk about it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to find a solution to this problem - the problem being that lessons are being missed. OP I think you should buy her the swim knickers and let her know it’s totally her choice but you just don’t want her missing out unnecessarily, and you have probably approached that in the wrong way. You don’t want to upset her.

I think it would be a little mean to cancel the lessons, but maybe just postpone the next tranche until she’s got to grips with everything.

@TryAnotherNickname

How do you non-tampon users deal with holidays and beach days? Can’t use the modi bodi as (a) they are highly visible and (b) No daily laundry facilities. Dd due on our holiday next week, is only her 4th time. Really don’t want her to miss out (used tampons from day 1 myself)

Although I use tampons I flood. Meaning I can leak through the biggest tampon, coupled with a night time pad within 30 minutes. No beach days for me during the first two-three days of my period. I sleep with the biggest tampon, night pad and on two towels and still need to change the sheets the next day. I have a plastic sheet to protect the mattrass. Be thankful if your period is light enough to go doing normal stuff, not everyone is that lucky.

And before some well wisher gives me medical advice: I already have a gynaecologist, thank you.

@SantaClaritaDiet thanks - possibly sum question but would you stick a pad in your swimsuit / shorts and whip it out before going in the sea then get changed straight after? Assuming of course convenient facilities at the beach... poor girl, sucks. Hasn’t seen the sea in two years - such poor timing!

I'd be tempted to write an anonymous letter to the swimming teacher. Being a man, he's probably blissfully ignorant about the issue and needs it pointed out to him (which isn't right, but sadly common. Men in general are woefully uninformed about periods).

I agree with most people above that this is your daughter's choice. I get that you don't like to see her missing out, but I think if you keep persisting with this (booking lessons etc even if not being verbally pressuring) that this might reinforce her resistance.

I'm 35 and I still don't like tampons. I've never been able to get on with them. I wish I could as it would be more convenient but I simply don't like them and that's that. I don't think you should pressure your dd into using anything she doesn't want to. Sanpro is surely a personal choice

@TryAnotherNickname

How do you non-tampon users deal with holidays and beach days? Can’t use the modi bodi as (a) they are highly visible and (b) No daily laundry facilities. Dd due on our holiday next week, is only her 4th time. Really don’t want her to miss out (used tampons from day 1 myself)

You spend the whole time paranoid and looking for a toilet.

You do miss out. It’s crap. But you just have to muddle through.

I also second the lack of research into it is astounding. We just get told it happens to everyone and to just get on with it. Or go on the pill (which completely stopped mine, but no longer agree with me after having kids). I cannot imagine managing to work in a shared space now with them how they are, let alone somewhere like a supermarket with prescribed breaks. Or like a police role.
I just don’t know how you manage it.

1. You’ve saved money on the presumably closed lessons the last few months. Offset that against the lessons she’ll miss when her period coincides if you’re that bothered.
2. Buy a period swimsuit.
3. Respect your daughter’s wishes about a) what she allows into her vagina and b) who she talks to about that.
4. You’ve talked to the guy running the classes about this????

Your attitude makes me furious.

Please don’t think I’m forcing her into this as I’m not. It’s such a shame for her to give up what she’s always loved when she has an option

You are blackmailing her though, since you won't allow her to keep her swimming lessons if she has to miss a few. You also don't have her back and let her male teacher decide what she can or cannot participate in.

Most comments on this thread think that you are making the wrong decision here, doesn't that make you wonder if you might be in the wrong?

To be honest I think part of the issue is that period pants are so popular now that many of her peers won't be using tampons either. So when I was 12 everyone was using tampons and therefore there was a bit of peer pressure involved too. All of the booklets about starting your periods were made by tampax / lillets and you would send off for and receive free samples. Information is freely available now instantly.

I would buy her a selection and some
Kind of lubricant (my mum gave me Vaseline) and just let her get on with it in her own time. People seem to like the modi body swim pants so maybe give those as an option too.

I remember it hurting like hell the first time I tried.

for the first time ever the pain (cramps) was no where near as bad -and my period went from 2 weeks to a week long. Thinking it was fluke I tried it again next month

Interesting. I've just switched from.tampons to a cup. Now although i obviously still get the bloating and a few cramps the horrible dragging feeling I used to get has so far gone. Its still early days with cups so I'm making no assumptions officially yet but I'm.impressed so far.

Yes for many tampons have provided the ability fir alot more freedom. But they aren't without risk. They aren't without discomfort and they certainly do not mean you won't still feel to bleugh to do swimming or whatever anyway.

They are being hailed here as the solution to everything by the op. What if she tried them and found them painful and couldn't swim with one anyway. Imagine how crap she would feel then

I get what you are saying - it is a waste of money to pay for swimming lessons if she is missing a week every month. I gave up swimming around the same age due to both periods and general loss of interest. I did very competitive swimming too with 4 lessons a week so it was noticeable if I missed a whole week's worth.

But you can't force her to use them. Many 14 years olds would feel daunted at using them (I didn't until 18 or so).

I found tampons painful as a virgin/teenager and still don't like using them now, let her miss a few lessons a month?

@TryAnotherNickname

How do you non-tampon users deal with holidays and beach days? Can’t use the modi bodi as (a) they are highly visible and (b) No daily laundry facilities. Dd due on our holiday next week, is only her 4th time. Really don’t want her to miss out (used tampons from day 1 myself)

In 20s could double up on pill - later we are usually self catering so there is a washing machine but when we did butlins there wasn't so didn't do swimming pool and paddled on beach in skirts rather than swam.

As teen think it was long skirts on beach and paddling - I burn easy so extra cover up - DD1 done that as well - or protection and water proff shorts and long top on top on beach not going in to far and not being far from accomodation to change.

It's why I'm think some modi swim ware bottoms for me as well for next holiday- go with taniks always have them under water proof shorts or skirts.

I just used to pill to not get my period during holidays. I thought everybody did that, but maybe not. Of course, you have to be on the pill for that to work.

Which might be an option for the daughter though, if she wants to. The pill or a contraceptive implant could let her regilate her periods the way she wants to. But it's quite a bit more drastic than just buying a modibodi.

4. You’ve talked to the guy running the classes about this????

Your attitude makes me furious.

i agree with the rest of your post, but what's wrong about mentioning period to the guy running the class? There's nothing to be ashamed about! Obviously don't make a fuss in front of a young teen, she'd be mortified! But having a word with the coach pointing out that periods are not a choice or a whim and being penalised because of it is not acceptable - it's part of your job as a mum if some idiot doesn't get it.

There have been many thread on here where (allegedly) female posters were telling others to "just get on with it" and not be an embarrassment to womanhood (or something of that effect) because some women couldn't go swimming during their periods!

QuestionMarkNow, yes, I get how YOU feel/felt about it; my point was just that using emotive language like 'bullets', 'forced', 'violating', 'badgering her' doesn't help the discussion.

I agree with a pp that the OP sounds as though she's just trying to be open with her daughter about her choices. While also thinking about the family budget. Which is not unreasonable.