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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD won’t use tampons

181 replies

ForPitySake · 27/07/2020 11:55

Some advice please. DD is 14 and has been coping OK with periods but is refusing to use tampons. This means the swimming she has always loved needs to stop as we can’t keep paying for lessons she’s not turning up to just because she won’t use them. I’ve tried talking to her but she is very defensive and shuts down and won’t discuss it so I don’t know what she doesn’t like or what she is struggling with. She finds it very hard to talk about it and I’m getting nowhere. I can’t help if I don’t know the problem. She loves her swimming but this is now such a stumbling block for her, I don’t know how to help. Any suggestions?

OP posts:

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 27/07/2020 12:26

Why on earth do you want the poor girl to talk to you about why she doesn't want to use tampons? That's really weird of you.

If she says no to sex with her boyfriend the day she turns 16 do you expect him to accept that no means no, or will you tell her she owes him an explanation?

Grandmi · 27/07/2020 12:27

My daughter hasn’t used them and I found them really uncomfortable. She is 14 and is probably too embarrassed to discuss it with you . Better to leave her be and look at the other swimwear recommendations given.

cuntryclub · 27/07/2020 12:27

This is the weirdest thread. She doesn't want to. Leave her alone.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 27/07/2020 12:28

I think we’ll have to give them a go and see how they work for ourselves and ignore the reviews. Thanks

What does this mean? It sounds deliberately provocative OP - you can't be unaware of that. Menstruation isn't some fun, shared activity. Why can't you just provide what she wants and then mind your own business?

reluctantbrit · 27/07/2020 12:28

DD has two friends swimming for a club with 4-5 sessions per week. One wears tampons, the other a Modibodi swimsuit.

DD swims just once a week and so far manages with tampons but doesn't really like them and never wears them outside the pool. I look into getting her a Modibodi suit as soon as the pool reopens.

Her body, her choice. 14 is young and not all like the idea of pushing something into their vagina.

I wore tampons between 20 and 35, I stopped after giving birth as they are extremely uncomfortable now.

LockdownQ · 27/07/2020 12:29

@Rebelwithallthecause

I didn’t think you needed tampons when swimming

Either way I wouldn’t force it, it’s quite personal.

I used to not mind tampons. Now I really wouldn’t go near one.

Why would you not need tampons when swimming @Rebelwithallthecause?

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 27/07/2020 12:30

@RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder

www.modibodi.co.uk/collections/swim

Would she consider these?

I've bought DD2 some of these so she has options when she starts- they were in sale so not so expensive.

DD1 stopped swimming lessons just before her's started and bar one abroad trip with possible overlap which turned out not to be -managed to avoid this being a problem. She refused the swim suit option when I offered.

It is difficult because I know lessons were tough for us to afford - but I would really try not to make missing one a month an issue if you can.

FlorenceFlounce · 27/07/2020 12:31

@ForPitySake

I’m really not blackmailing or guilt tripping her. She’s the one who’s decided not to go because of this. I was hoping to have some advice on how to help her with that

Can you really not see that your approach to this is quite abusive?

Your DD is being forced to choose between an activity that she presumably loves and violating her bodily boundaries with tampons.

From her perspective; You are threatening to punish her by withdrawing all swimming lessons if she does not submit to your command that she insert cotton wool bullets into her vagina.

You are so unbelievably out of line here. You need to continue to pay for the lessons if that’s what she wants and you can afford it and never talk to your DD about sanitary product choices ever again.

ChristmasKitties · 27/07/2020 12:31

Why are tampons seen as the be all and end all of sanitary protection?

They are one type of product, some women like them, some don’t.

Anyway OP you really need to say sorry to your DD, tell her that you made a mistake and approached this the wrong way, and she has absolute control of her body and what she uses for her periods, and that she can carry on with lessons.

lubeybooby · 27/07/2020 12:32

you've been given the fab option of that modibodi swimsuit, and that really should solve everything tbh. drama over.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 27/07/2020 12:33

I’d have killed for a mother who allowed me to use tampons at 14 - instead she was too worried about me not being a virgin because o using them.

Stop trying to force your daughter into her body choices - it’s what, 1 lesson per month and you’re considering stopping it all together? For 1 lesson a month? For something she loves to do? If she suddenly starts using them how comfortable are you with the knowledge that you will have coerced her into putting something inside of her?

SteelyPanther · 27/07/2020 12:34

Maybe she would find a text/WhatsApp easier to answer rather than having an embarrassing face to face conversation ?

RiaOverTheRainbow · 27/07/2020 12:36

Have you tried texting her instead of talking? She might find it easier it than having a conversation face to face. But don't keep asking her "what the problem is," try to focus on "do you want to try x or y?"

Mischance · 27/07/2020 12:36

Suck up the occasional wasted swimming lesson - as you say, you would have been paying for it anyway.

Just drop the subject; and stop agonising over a bit of "wasted" money. Far better DD should just feel relaxed about her periods.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 27/07/2020 12:37

SteelyPanther it's not a conversation she has to have at all. Why on earth should she, if she doesn't want to? She's given the op her answer - it's boardering on creepy to push her to explain herself.

SarahTancredi · 27/07/2020 12:37

Maybe she would find a text/WhatsApp easier to answer rather than having an embarrassing face to face conversation ?

Theres nothing to talk about though. She was asked. She answered that should he the end of it. Do what everyone else does amd make sure they have access to everything thing they need and then let them make their choices.

jessstan2 · 27/07/2020 12:37

@ForPitySake

Yes, it’s what I’ve done. I’ve not made a big deal about any of it but she just won’t discuss it. It’s just a flat no and then gets upset but won’t tell me why she’s upset

Surely it won't hurt her not to go swimming during her period. Presumably she won't mind if it is at the end of a period and very light. You can't make her use tampons, it's up to her for goodness sakes; strictly not your business. She is entitled to say, "No", without further discussion.

I imagine a moon cup would present with the same refusal. Bathing costumes for periods might not be a bad idea but don't suggest it, let her find out for herself.

Remember your daughter is only fourteen and whilst some girls of that age are quite sophisticated not all are yet comfortable with putting things in their bodies.

For the person who said it's only 3-5 days once a month, lucky you! Mine always lasted a full week, obviously slight towards the end, and not every month, more like five weeks, roughly, and couldn't be predicted. Lots of women are the same.

SinkGirl · 27/07/2020 12:39

Can people please stop saying that periods are “literally 3-5 days a month” or similar? When I was 14 my periods were at least 15 days long, up to 21 days long, every month. They were so heavy and painful that I would never have managed to swim even if I could wear tampons, but inserting tampons was insanely painful anyway so I gave up quickly.

We have no idea what her daughter’s periods are like, or what the issue is with tampons. Pressuring her is not the answer, that’s for sure.

lillylemons · 27/07/2020 12:39

I'm 35 and still won't use tampons, I tried them once and hated it.

SteelyPanther · 27/07/2020 12:39

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Or maybe she does want to talk about it, but not face to face. It’s just another option, not a contest.

IntermittentParps · 27/07/2020 12:40

I think there's some unhelpful language being used. 'violating her bodily boundaries with tampons.' 'insert cotton wool bullets into her vagina.' 'her vagina and her choice'. 'badgering her'...

The OP is concerned about the money, yes, but also about her DD.
I think you've had some good suggestions here, OP, both for swimwear and for how to talk to her, so I just wanted to add my support and agree with a couple of posters that you're getting an unnecessarily hard time.

Goosefoot · 27/07/2020 12:42

Tampons have never worked that well for me, and not at all really until I had kids.

I would try the special swimware, though I know it isn't cheap.

I sympathise with the cost issue. It might be worth it to evaluate what it is about swimming that she enjoys. Maybe she's rather go as part of a more casual arrangements, where she could miss time? Like doing laps on a punchcard etc?

QuestionMarkNow · 27/07/2020 12:42

Fgs, you really can’t imagine why she doesn’t want to talk about it or why she is refusing to use a tampon?
You can’t go back to when you were 14yo?

I’ll tell you what I suspect is happening

she is scared to put anything up her vagina. I’ll suppose she is still a virgin, never had sex,. Putting something up there is scary and a the very thought makes her unconfortable.
she might have heard stories about the hymen (can she out one on if she is a virgin is one question she might be asking herself). She might have heard stories about her friends finding it hard. She might have no clue on how to get in about it because she doesn’t know her body that way.
and she is 14yo so unsurprisingly completely uncomfortable about talking about her vagina with her mother..... Esp when she has taken from the talk ‘if you dint wear a tampon, I’m cancelling swimming’ that she is weird because she doesn’t want to. That using a tamp on is normal and blabla bla

FWIW, I’m not using a tampon anymore. I’ve always used to find them uncomfortable. Since discovering the moon cup and period pants, ive happily avoided them. She doesn’t HAVE TO use tampon.

And you dint have to stop her swimming lessons either. You are able to pay for them. By telling her she has to chose between a tampon and swimming, you have managed to amke her even more uncomfortable about her periods and how to handle them. You’ve managed to make her uncomfortable about her choice of sanpro. And to feel judged about it too.
I have to say between that and paying for one lesson a month that doesn’t get used, I know what I would have chosen. And it’s not saving £10 a month.

MahaMoon · 27/07/2020 12:43

I’ve never worn a tampon and I’m 40. I did try once in my late teens but just couldn’t get it in comfortably. Tried again in my 20s and felt uncomfortable so gave up. I’ve been using pads and pants since and I’m fine with that.

Chloemol · 27/07/2020 12:44

I never used tampons, loath them with a vengeance. If she misses lessons so be it, it’s not the end of the world. You are making this difficult for her, implying if she doesn’t use tampons she has to give up swimming altogether. That’s wrong

Just leave her alone and let her miss lessons if necessary, maybe at some point she may be prepared to try something a bit better such as a mooncup but drop the subject for now

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