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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD won’t use tampons

181 replies

ForPitySake · 27/07/2020 11:55

Some advice please. DD is 14 and has been coping OK with periods but is refusing to use tampons. This means the swimming she has always loved needs to stop as we can’t keep paying for lessons she’s not turning up to just because she won’t use them. I’ve tried talking to her but she is very defensive and shuts down and won’t discuss it so I don’t know what she doesn’t like or what she is struggling with. She finds it very hard to talk about it and I’m getting nowhere. I can’t help if I don’t know the problem. She loves her swimming but this is now such a stumbling block for her, I don’t know how to help. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 27/07/2020 12:45

Why is this an issue? My DD has never ever used tampons. She only missed a month of swimming when her period originally started while I looked into period swimwear, ordered and waited for it to arrive. That was 6 years ago, never missed out on anything to do with water since. Couldn’t use whatever the brand was that had just come out at the time (maybe Modibodi??) as she was super slight and their smallest was not going to be a snug enough fit. So we went with a mob in the USA who had them in very small sizes for either young girls or super slim ones. Never had an issue and while now she would probably fit into more mainstream brands, she prefers to keep buying from the original place. She tends to get 2 years out of a pair no problems as long as they are looked after correctly (rinsed out soon after swimming, cold water wash only, no detergent, don’t leave out to dry in sun all day etc).

Why you wouldn’t do this rather than try and force her to use tampons beggars belief.

VivaDixie · 27/07/2020 12:45

@ForPitySake

I know what you’re saying and yes I know we’d be paying anyway but the ones she misses means she’s not got anything out of it and the guy running it says she can’t go on to help volunteer etc unless she’s there every week and it’s something she wants to do
This particular post really made me uncomfortable. Look at it this way OP.

Your DD is 14 years old - fourteen - an age when her body is going through so much change, she doesn't want to talk to you about it because she is a pubescent teenage girl. I remember this all so vividly and I am 47.

Not only are you putting it to her that if she doesn't use tampons then you cannot afford to continue with the lessons, but, and this is a big but:

'The 'guy' who runs the classes says that she cannot go on to help volunteer unless she is there every week and it is something she wants to do.'

Surely this guy must have some insight into the fact that this is an age where girls will have to miss lessons because of her period? The fact that he is also punishing her for something out of her control really makes me angry. She is upset because she doesnt want to have to explain to a 'guy' the reasons why she cannot attend. I was mortified when my mum wrote a letter to my female swimming teacher that i had to miss swimming because i was 'menstruating'.

Not sure i am articulating myself well here, but she is upset because you, and her male swimming teacher are making her feel she has to stop what she loves because she doesnt want to use tampons.

Goosefoot · 27/07/2020 12:45

About swimming without any protection - yes, the water pressure will usually prevent much blood escaping in the pool. But it won't prevent it while you are standing on the pool deck or in the locker room.

oakleaffy · 27/07/2020 12:45

OP, I sympathise massively with your Daughter.
I would have been mortified if my mum had suggested tampons too me.

I ''attempted'' to try the blessed things and didn't get it right, so was in severe discomfort..I took the thing out, and it took years before I dared attempt it again.

Your DD may just not feel happy or at ease with you talking about them or trying to use them.

Leave her to make her own decisions.

It's her body, after all.

Ansjovis · 27/07/2020 12:46

I've only skim read the replies so far so apologies if someone has raised this already but I would be mindful of the possibility that she's tried them already (at 14 she'd have likely had plenty of opportunity to acquire some without you knowing anything about it) and has been unsuccessful at inserting them. I had this problem when I was younger and it was very upsetting for me as I felt like I was defective. It was certainly not something I wanted to talk to my mother about, though I did talk about it with a medical professional when I was ready.

Not saying that this is definitely or even likely the case with your daughter, just wanted to reply in case it wasn't something you'd considered already.

claragolightly · 27/07/2020 12:46

If she doesn't want to use them, she doesn't want to use them. It's her body!

I didn't start using them until I was 20. My friend has never used them. I find them uncomfortable now.

Thistly · 27/07/2020 12:47

Rebel,
Not wearing any protection when swimming is an option if you have very light periods.

During a swimming class, however you are in and out of the pool a lot, so it is likely to trickle down your leg whilst standing on the poolside

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2020 12:47

I bought dd the modi bodi swimwear. It’s great. No leaks. She prefers just the knickers to the swimsuit. She wears hers for a couple of hours on heavier days so a short lesson in a pool should be fine. She’s only 12 but is getting proper periods and I would say an average amount for a teen. For context if we were abroad, I would get her to change her swimwear in case of leaks at lunchtime as they’re only for light / medium use. She uses the thickest modi bodi pants rather than pads and they last all day.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/07/2020 12:48

@MaitlandGirl

If she doesn’t want to put anything into her vagina she doesn’t have to.

Leave her alone and don’t make an issue out of it.

This! I'm quite shocked by this thread to be honest. Every girl and woman should choose her own sanitary protection. Periods are hard enough without people trying to force you into one form of protection.
daisychain1620 · 27/07/2020 12:48

I feel like OP is just trying to be open with her daughter about her choices, I don't get the impression from her post that she is badgering her.

Goosefoot · 27/07/2020 12:48

Surely this guy must have some insight into the fact that this is an age where girls will have to miss lessons because of her period?

It's not just men that don't get this, lots of women don't, either. I've seen some crazy stuff from dance instructors insisting girls must wear tampons.

QuestionMarkNow · 27/07/2020 12:48

@IntermittentParps

I think there's some unhelpful language being used. 'violating her bodily boundaries with tampons.' 'insert cotton wool bullets into her vagina.' 'her vagina and her choice'. 'badgering her'...

The OP is concerned about the money, yes, but also about her DD.
I think you've had some good suggestions here, OP, both for swimwear and for how to talk to her, so I just wanted to add my support and agree with a couple of posters that you're getting an unnecessarily hard time.

Well I can tell you that, at that age, if my mum had talked to me like this I would:
  • a tampon was a Cotton bullet
  • I would have felt under immense pressure to chose
  • I would aLso felt like I was weird/the odd one out etc... for not using a tampon (whether it’s the case or not btw) due the ‘but it’s just a tampon, What is the issue?’ talk from the OP.
  • would have felt pretty pissed off that saving £10 (the sort of ONE lesson missed) was more important that me being comfortable with my choice of swimming or not with my periods.

So yes, these are strong words but that’s because the situation is actually totally not on. And very certainly (seeing the reaction of the dd) one that has made extremely uncomfortable.

Mothermorph · 27/07/2020 12:49

I encouraged my 14 year old DD to use tampons but she tried and didn't find it comfortable so we left it. I didnt use tampons until I was an adult. I started using a menstrual cup recently but that takes some getting used to as well, so I'm not pressuring her to continue.

Quarantimespringclean · 27/07/2020 12:49

I agree that you need to step back here. It’s definitely a case of her body, her choice.

SantaClaritaDiet · 27/07/2020 12:50

@Rebelwithallthecause

No need for any sanitary protection while swimming ...
Absolute and utter bollocks.

Well, there might be some truth in it, BUT
some women still bleed...(
some women will bleed BEFORE going in the water (duh!) or coming out of the water... so what then?

DO not encourage a young teen not to use sanitary protection with the very real risk that she will find find herself in a very embarrassing situation! As an adult, you deal with it, but how cruel to be the cause of it when she's only 14.

Muppetry76 · 27/07/2020 12:50

I hate to even consider this, and I completely agree with PP that nobody should be pressuring any teenager over their body, and how to deal with periods, but the line about her clamming up and refusal to discuss it is ringing alarm bells for me.

There may be other reasons for her wanting to quit swimming - what's her regime? Is it one lesson a week? Is it a lesson or training - which I know can be brutal with hours of training a week.

Teenagers are funny creatures. Give her some control.

The swim coach is an ass for not 'allowing' your daughter to volunteer if she misses a lesson. Maybe they (he/she?) need a lesson in body autonomy.

Gwynfluff · 27/07/2020 12:52

One of mine will, one won’t. I bought the best ones in terms of size and applications. But it’s entirely their choice what they use. Very odd for it to be forced.

SarahTancredi · 27/07/2020 12:54

but the line about her clamming up and refusal to discuss it is ringing alarm bells for me

Why does something have to have happened in order for her to not want to talk about it.

Maybe she's just sick of hearing about how much money she's costing her mum cos she's not ready to use them.

InTheWings · 27/07/2020 12:54

Really shocked at this.

It IS guilt-tripping / blackmailing her to stop the lessons if she doesn't want to use tampons and misses sessions during her period.

Let her get on with it and if she decides to try tampons at some stage, good for her, if she makes her own decision to stop lessons, also good for her, if it is valuable enough for her to continue lessons in the weeks she is able, then great!

The biological reality is tough for young women, tragic if a few wasted lessons mean you want her to stop. Do not make a big deal out of unattended lessons. Encourage her.

oakleaffy · 27/07/2020 12:54

{Quote} God Almighty leave her alone. I loathed tampons as a teenager. They're hard to get the hang of, difficult to figure out the angle, can be uncomfortable if they're not in far enough and believe it or not there are people who don't like sticking a sharp finger in to their vaginas up to the knuckle! And applicators are almost as bad, they are all sharp edges.

This!...So so true. 😩

SantaClaritaDiet · 27/07/2020 12:54

This thread is so cruel

OP, don't blackmail your poor kid and put her down because of her periods!

If she was suffering from bad period pains, tampon or not, she wouldn't be able to go in cold water anyway. Would she also be punished for that too?

I found many tampons in the UK to feel awful frankly. For a teen, the tiny "teens" one might be worth a try (if she is willing, but 14 is still young..)

Did everybody managed well the first times? I remember that I didn't, and tried again a year or so later and understood the technique better.

First, her body = her choice! , then badly put tampons fucking hurt!

Don't punish her for something she has 0 control over.

SoulofanAggron · 27/07/2020 12:56

I didn't use tampons until my 30s. I was just grossed out by the idea. It was only after I found that winged pads became uncomfortable for some reason that I started using tampons.

It seems blackmaily if you threaten to stop her being able to do the swimming sessions entirely just because she wouldn't be able to do 1 week in 4.

It's a bit gross effectively trying to force a child to put something up her vagina.

TryAnotherNickname · 27/07/2020 12:56

How do you non-tampon users deal with holidays and beach days? Can’t use the modi bodi as (a) they are highly visible and (b) No daily laundry facilities. Dd due on our holiday next week, is only her 4th time. Really don’t want her to miss out (used tampons from day 1 myself)

SantaClaritaDiet · 27/07/2020 12:56

@SarahTancredi

but the line about her clamming up and refusal to discuss it is ringing alarm bells for me

Why does something have to have happened in order for her to not want to talk about it.

Maybe she's just sick of hearing about how much money she's costing her mum cos she's not ready to use them.

that

why should everybody HAVE to be comfortable discussing their vaginas with anyone, even their mother?

Not every woman wants to have their own mum when they give birth either... I mean, we are all allowed to have our zone of comfort.

Enoughnowstop · 27/07/2020 12:57

I am 50 and have apart from a short period of peer pressure in my teens, I have never used tampons. Just don't like the idea/can't get on with the idea of them. I am pleased to see others on this thread who are the same!