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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old has moved to his dad's

151 replies

whatisthepoint202200 · 16/06/2020 16:50

My 16 year old has moved to his dad as he says he "needs a break from me". His dad lives in a different area to me. I am totally heartbroken and almost feel like I'm grieving. I am also so angry at the injustice of it. His dad is not a bad person, but he has taken a very backseat role in parenting up until now. It is me and my husband who have given him the holidays, the Christmases, the experiences, the opportunities, the birthdays, the love, the patience and the never-ending support. Over the years I have had to speak to his dad about various issues such as the fact he never took him on holiday, didn't insist he did homework when he was round there. All of this was left to me.

The relationship between me and my son hasn't been great the last few years. He's beyond lazy and has refused to work for his GCSEs and refused to find a job. He has lacked any form of work ethic and only has wanted to do things he enjoys. It has been a battle since he was young and it doesn't matter what angle we took, it never changed. Teachers and tutors (we paid for tutors) would tear their hair out trying to help. I told him that when he's 16 he has to make a concerted effort to find a job or his pocket money will stop. He didn't do this, so we insisted he went to work with my husband in the family business and his attitude was so dire that my husband had to apologise to customers about him.

I was very cross with him and he kept telling me to 'get over my grudge'. He did not understand why I was so angry. To cut a long story short, it led to a huge argument - a proper screaming match. This hasn't happened before as I rarely shout, but all my anger came out from the years of his refusal to so anything work related. He stood and laughed at me, called me mental and mad. He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

During this argument my anger came out about his refusal to follow very basic family rules - just little things such as no phones at the table (he was always 'just writing one text') or no phone in bedrooms at night time, or the rule of making sure bedrooms are tidy before bed evey day. Rules that all my other children have no issues with He truly thought he was above all of this. It led to me just permenantly being in battle with him. The arrogance in him is hard to fathom.

He told me he's moving to his dad's as he needed a break from me. His stepmum came and collected him and he told me to fuck off whilst smirking and laughing as he got in the car. I felt totally bereft.

He's been at his dad's for 2 weeks now. His dad has kept me a little bit informed but there is some definite smugness there. Within those 2 weeks he has apparently got a job, and has not displayed any of the behaviour he displayed at home. His dad proudly told me how my son respects him and wouldn't behave like that to him. I have tried to reach out to his dad for a bit of support but it sounds very much like my son has portrayed me as a monster. Apparently he is also looking at going to a college closer to his dad's.

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

I just can't believe how he is treating me. He acts as if he is the wronged one, and that I am some awful parent that he despises. Not the loving mum who has bent over backwards to love him and support him.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is honestly broken. He took everything accept from his furniture. I go in and sob in his bedroom . I feel sick everyday about it all. I can't grasp where I went so wrong. The injustice of it hurts so badly.

I'm just reaching out and hoping someone has words of wisdom or experience.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 16/06/2020 16:53

At 14 my ds also chose the home of least resistance...
I more or less left them to it.
Exh allowed drink and drugs. I gave ds zero money. Imo you should do similar.
A year later ds was back and went nc with exh....

ruthieness · 16/06/2020 16:55

The best advice I can give is to try to enjoy the fact that he is no longer your day to day responsibility and to have a lovely time with the other sibings - sooner or later there will be trouble in paradise......

DartmoorChef · 16/06/2020 16:57

It might be doing him the world of good to be seeing how different homes work. Hes 16 and old enough to make this choice.

titchy · 16/06/2020 17:03

Well don't pay for his phone! Keep strong. It'll be far better for your long term relationship with him if you simply say you won't pay for his phone as he's got a job and is living with his father. That you love and miss him and are delighted and proud he's got a job and hope it goes well.

Kids generally figure out where they're better off, though it might take a while.

aufaitaccompli · 16/06/2020 17:11

That sounds so upsetting. In a similar situ with my 16 y/o. Dad is fun time frankie and not keen on chopping and changing contact (which I agree with)
He'll never agree to taking any of them for more than a day or two...a week at a push.

It hurts. So very much. They're taking the path of least resistance and are rebelling against authority and routine.

Let him go with your blessing and keep your door open. Try not to see it as a popularity contest because that cuts far too deep .

Best of luck and forgive yourself for the argument

Rollergirl11 · 16/06/2020 17:19

Yes, stop paying for his phone. Why would you continue when he is no longer living with you? I expect that he will soon come to realise that the grass isn’t greener at his Dad’s and likewise given time his Dad will experience first hand DS’s bad attitude. When DS decides he wants to come back to you (and he will) I would take this opportunity to lay down your rules, state that are non-negotiable if he is to come back to live in your house.

ruthieness · 16/06/2020 17:31

Personally I would continue to pay for his phone if you can afford it - the connexion is a good thing and he does not need any fuel for his negative thinking.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2020 17:49

He got a job to spite you - how long do you think that will last?

The best thing you can do is stop contacting him and not respond to rude texts - pay for his phone if you want

You got what you wanted, he stepped up - your goal now is to make sure he continues to do that by not letting him come whining to you. For this you're going to need your big girl pants as he's likely to be a whiny shit and come crying back - you mustn't let him, he's walked all over you for years

Look after YOU now Thanks

StormBaby · 16/06/2020 17:54

Let him get on with it. Grieve, lick your wounds, then move on.

HollowTalk · 16/06/2020 17:59

I would treat this as a holiday - it sounds as though the whole family breathed a sigh of relief when he went off.

Let's face it, he and his dad are not going to get along unless both have a massive personality change. Both are selfish - it can actually be quite funny watching two really selfish people live together.

How has it changed financially since he left? Are you/his dad entitled to family allowance? If you were, I'd pass that over to his dad and cut out the phone bill.

Your son needs to grow up. His dad needs to learn some responsibility. I'd sit back and let them get on with it. I also wouldn't let your son come back unless you see a huge change in him - it's up to his dad to deal with that now.

In the meantime make the most of the peace and quiet.

Toomboom · 16/06/2020 18:03

I would wait and see how he is in 6 months time living with his dad. At the moment he is in honeymoon period, so everyone is happy. He won't be able to keep it up, and I am sure his dad will start to realise just what he is like once your son starts kicking off with him when he starts putting rules in place.

I would not pay for his phone either. If he now has a job, then he pays for it.
I understand it is going to be hard, but it sounds as though you all need a break.

Original poster
whatisthepoint202200 · 16/06/2020 18:16

Thank you everyone.

What would you do about his bedroom? He has the nicest and biggest bedroom of all the kids. The others are desperate to use it. It's empty about from his furniture

Thanks again

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2020 18:18

I'd turn it into a big playroom for all of them

AskingforaBaskin · 16/06/2020 18:19

Everyone upgrades a room and he gets the box room.

VettiyaIruken · 16/06/2020 18:23

Stop paying for his phone. As it was your job when he lived with you, it's his dad's job now he lives with him. If he wants to use the maintenance you pay for it, that's up to him.

I suggest waiting it out. I would bet my last penny that this change won't last. He will not be able to keep it up and he will not stay on his best behaviour forever.

Keep the door open but step back.

VettiyaIruken · 16/06/2020 18:24

Oh yes, and swap rooms around. Don't save it for him. He chose to leave. His room is now back into the pot!

70Kirsty · 16/06/2020 18:48

Really feel for you. My son went to live with his backseat father and new family when he was 14. It broke my heart - I can so relate to sitting in his room crying :(

Please don't listen to the "he'll be back" comments. I did and it meant I couldn't move forward because I was waiting for him to come back and prove me right. Maybe your son will be back and maybe he won't, but the reality you're having to process right now is that he's moved out.

I continued to pay for his phone simply because it felt like he'd at least have to contact me if I was doing that....even though he barely did.

The smugness of the backseat parent during the honeymoon phase is vomit-inducing and deeply hurtful, isn't it?

My son and I are now rebuilding our relationship, but it's taken a long time to get here (he turned 18 recently).

After a lot of soul searching regarding my own situation and with the benefit of hindsight, I would say please don't assume that your son's behaviour reflects his true feelings for you. Teenagers - esp boys - tend to be emotionally immature with a very strong sense of the wrongs done to them and almost no sense of the wrongs they do to others. He's asserting his independence by rebelling against your values. That's not to say he isn't being an absolute git (he is), but recognise that it's all about him, not you.

If he reaches out (however clumsily) and is met with criticism or anger, he's going to back off. You don't have to let him off the hook, but an open and honest conversation when things are calmer might prove more effective at making him see the hurt he's caused than lashing out at him now. I regret not understanding this earlier - I drove my son even further away and made things far worse, simply because I stupidly hoped that seeing how much he'd upset me and thus realising the error of his ways would cause him to back down and come home.

For most of us, the majority of our time as mothers will not be spent in the same house as our children, providing day to day practical care. Some of us have to adjust to that change earlier than others. This can be an opportunity for you: you have gained back the time you spent battling with and fretting about your son and his behaviour; you have lost a major cause of stress in your day to day life; you have a chance to be the relaxed parent who isn't responsible for sorting him out. It's only since I started to move forward with self development and new opportunities that things started to improve with my son - I think because I stopped relying on him to make me feel whole.

VitreousHumour · 16/06/2020 18:48

If you choose to stop paying for his phone and 'taking' his room (which I definitely wouldn't yet) for god's sakes don't use those things to try to make him feel bad/wield power/'that'll show him'. Just do them quietly because it's fair/right (if you think it is - as I said, I don't think so, or certainly not at this stage.)

RhubarbJelly · 16/06/2020 18:53

I would let his Dad pay for his phone.

Showing respect, earns respect.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2020 18:56

Your son moving to his dad's is the best thing that could have happened. I would stop paying for anything for him and I would also not allow him back. That ship has sailed and he's made his choice. The way he has treated you is appalling. It's time for him to find his own way. Let one of the other children have his old room. Your son won't be needing it.

YukoandHiro · 16/06/2020 18:57

My child is only 2 so my advice is just from
remembering how my teen years felt, rather from any experience as a parent - so feel free to totally disregard.
As a teenager I was fairly awful to my parents, my mum in particular. Teens act out when they are comfortable. He pushes boundaries with you and his step dad because he KNOWS he has your undying love and support and that you will be there for him whatever.
He's treating his dad with respect because he doesn't have that sense of security.
It must be unbearable now, I understand, but remember that he will come back to you. Eventually he'll let his guard down with his dad - and he might find that things aren't quite the rosy garden of Eden over there he expected.
I hope that over this period of time he learns to treat you with love and respect, and grows up a little. Do you know where his ideas about women have come from? That's one that might be easier to scrutinise from arm's length.
Just be consistent. Let him know he's always welcome at your house, and don't question what his dad does/how he chooses to live.
It's a long haul. I didn't apologise to my parents and start treating them properly til I was maybe 25. But with consistency and love, it will pay off in the long term

Branleuse · 16/06/2020 19:00

if hes got a job etc, then maybe it will be the making of him. Cross fingers.
I dont think you should give him any money if hes going to be so rude to you though.

TeenPlusTwenties · 16/06/2020 19:01

If your son registers for college at his Dads then he is committing to be more there than at yours and his room is up for grabs.
But
lockdown has been hard on everyone. A break could be what you all need.
Don't rush decisions until after GCSE results...

Doodar · 16/06/2020 19:05

Definitely re use his room, I would cut his phone too, if he’s got a job he can pay it himself now.

Andi2020 · 16/06/2020 19:14

OP if hes working let him pay for phone. Just hold off on bedroom to he gets college place sorted.
Is your dh dad to other siblings he may feel left out.
I have dd 16 bit of a handful at times says she running away if I don't let her do something but hasn't done it yet.