16 year old has moved to his dad's

[whatisthepoint202200]

My 16 year old has moved to his dad as he says he "needs a break from me". His dad lives in a different area to me. I am totally heartbroken and almost feel like I'm grieving. I am also so angry at the injustice of it. His dad is not a bad person, but he has taken a very backseat role in parenting up until now. It is me and my husband who have given him the holidays, the Christmases, the experiences, the opportunities, the birthdays, the love, the patience and the never-ending support. Over the years I have had to speak to his dad about various issues such as the fact he never took him on holiday, didn't insist he did homework when he was round there. All of this was left to me.

The relationship between me and my son hasn't been great the last few years. He's beyond lazy and has refused to work for his GCSEs and refused to find a job. He has lacked any form of work ethic and only has wanted to do things he enjoys. It has been a battle since he was young and it doesn't matter what angle we took, it never changed. Teachers and tutors (we paid for tutors) would tear their hair out trying to help. I told him that when he's 16 he has to make a concerted effort to find a job or his pocket money will stop. He didn't do this, so we insisted he went to work with my husband in the family business and his attitude was so dire that my husband had to apologise to customers about him.

I was very cross with him and he kept telling me to 'get over my grudge'. He did not understand why I was so angry. To cut a long story short, it led to a huge argument - a proper screaming match. This hasn't happened before as I rarely shout, but all my anger came out from the years of his refusal to so anything work related. He stood and laughed at me, called me mental and mad. He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

During this argument my anger came out about his refusal to follow very basic family rules - just little things such as no phones at the table (he was always 'just writing one text') or no phone in bedrooms at night time, or the rule of making sure bedrooms are tidy before bed evey day. Rules that all my other children have no issues with He truly thought he was above all of this. It led to me just permenantly being in battle with him. The arrogance in him is hard to fathom.

He told me he's moving to his dad's as he needed a break from me. His stepmum came and collected him and he told me to fuck off whilst smirking and laughing as he got in the car. I felt totally bereft.

He's been at his dad's for 2 weeks now. His dad has kept me a little bit informed but there is some definite smugness there. Within those 2 weeks he has apparently got a job, and has not displayed any of the behaviour he displayed at home. His dad proudly told me how my son respects him and wouldn't behave like that to him. I have tried to reach out to his dad for a bit of support but it sounds very much like my son has portrayed me as a monster. Apparently he is also looking at going to a college closer to his dad's.

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

I just can't believe how he is treating me. He acts as if he is the wronged one, and that I am some awful parent that he despises. Not the loving mum who has bent over backwards to love him and support him.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is honestly broken. He took everything accept from his furniture. I go in and sob in his bedroom . I feel sick everyday about it all. I can't grasp where I went so wrong. The injustice of it hurts so badly.

I'm just reaching out and hoping someone has words of wisdom or experience.

Thank you everyone. I wouldn't totally do away with his room, but rather move him to a smaller room which weeks only fair.

Just had another terrible night's sleep. It honestly feels like grieving

I would imagine he’s in the honeymoon period at his dad’s. I would leave his room as a playroom for the others but not let them move in completely. Although it would grind, I would say to him I’m glad he’s happy at his dad’s but the door is always open. Review the situation when we get back to “normal” times.

OP I totally agree with your phone at night policy, sensible parenting. Kids don't like it but doesn't mean it's wrong.

I didn't say you'd failed at parenting in the slightest. You can parent however you wish, I'm just explaining that's likely a small part of why your son feels that way.

16 year olds don't feel like they are kids anymore. They want to be treated like adults, and in this day and age they want to stay connected to their friends too. He maybe feels like he's being controlled a bit too much.

Don’t pay for his phone. He lives with his dad now. He is no longer in full time education, he is earning his own money. He will learn that there is no magic money tree, no house elf. Swap the rooms over and enjoy your home.

Whatever your ex provided to you, you now provide to him.

And treat yourself to a well earned rest.

If he asks about phone payments remind him how many years and months you have paid for it and how many his dad has. Perhaps time for his Dad to equal up that?

Sounds like perhaps you need to re think how you react to him. I would text him back saying how pleased you are that he has a job and is getting place at college. I wouldn't mention paying for the phone as surely he can pay for that himself or his Dad can pay for it. I expect you are grieving however you need to pick yourself up and be positive about this. He clearly wasn't happy and neither were you, it may be this change helps you rebuild your relationship.

then let him, he has free will

this is all part of growing up on his part.
but keep his room for a while and then ask if you can use it for other children.

then from one action alone I can see why he gets like this with you.

You can see how he tells his mum to fuck off, laughs at her for being a woman and left home from that one action @willithappen? Really?

While I agree that at 16 he's old enough to know when to use his phone, I can't fathom how this one thing makes the rest of his behaviour understandable.

“Happy to hear from your dad that you are doing so well. Of course I’ll keep paying for your phone for now.
We are all fine, look forward to seeing you when you are ready.”

Then leave them be for a month.

Do you think you have felt the need to compensate him for the fact that his siblings are living with both their parents? Not blaming you at all, but he may have picked up on that and feel owed, and every time you’ve bent over backwards for him, it’s reinforced that conviction. It very unfair in you if that is the way it’s played out, but I’d stop appeasing him and treat him more like the adult he thinks he is. Be clear that you love him and would prefer him to be back with you, but don’t offer apologies or accept abuse or lack of respect as terms. You can say you want what’s best for him.

Let him see (on SM, or when you do eventually chat) that you have a life apart from being his mum.

I would also reallocate a smaller room for him but I wouldn’t mention it until it if he decides to return. Then just be matter of fact: “You’re in X’s old room now, it wasn’t fair to keep the biggest room empty. But don’t worry, all your things are in there waiting for you. If he has a tantrum it might delay things but he has to respect others.

You sound lovely. Teenagers can be such twats! 💐

It's hard when they move out, Three of mine are adults and since left. It's still their home though and will be until I move. One of mine had to leave before he was a teen as he became too violent for anyone else.

Could I suggest you relax the rules a bit? Not the tech stuff, things like having to keep everything in their rooms orderly etc.

Why get a job at 16 rather than discussing college? Mine hated school but thrived in college. Didn't appear to do any work and when it came to gcse's surprised everyone.

He's 16 still growing up and learning, lots of teens don't ask these questions. Come to think of it, I don't always either ask about other household members.

After 2 weeks he contacted you and opened up the lines of communication. Teenage brain thinks phone contract. Instead of asking how he was, or even answer his question, you text what you did and his response indicates its not the first time. Yes your younger children are following the rules, they are still in primary school.

As for the room situation, text him, let him know he's always got a room but whilst he's living at dads you are going to have a little room reshuffle. And whilst you are doing this is there anything that he needs from his room at his dads.

The phone pay it to keep line of communication open. I paid for all mine until 18 regardless of where they were living, still my responsibility after all. Still gave them money, bought them things etc as if they were still living here, plus money to the person they were living with. Had it all done within 2 weeks including letting child benefit etc know.

Wow - what a little prick he is.
I'd be waving him off.

Yes - he should now have the smallest bedroom, so move all his shit in there.

NO WAY should you pay for his phone.
And he couldn't even say please when he asked.
His dear dad can pay for all that now.

I also agree that he got the job to spite you and he probably won't last a wet weekend at it.

Leave the pair of them to it.
He'll probably come back with his tail between his legs within 18 months.

See how you feel then - but honestly for now, you're better off without him in your home.
You did nothing wrong by the way, he's just an ignorant little shit.

The only reason I’d continue paying for his phone “for now” is to deprive him of something to moan about. It will annoy him that she isn’t being petty and reactive

If you pay for the phones of your other children, I'd continue.
Bedroom gets reassigned on an interim basis and permanently with licence to redecorate if he has not returned by 1 Sept to start college or home with a job.
You can therefore explain to your other children that it is not preferential treatment to keep it open for him indefinitely but you want to let the dust settle on the row and see if he adapts to living with his Dad after 10 yrs.
An interim squatting arrangement also illustrates to him not to take his position for granted and that you and the whole family won't be treated like dirt.

i think he thinks he's wrapped you around his finger.

Thank you everyone

Re. The job. I insisted he get a Saturday job when he was 16. Most of his friends had 1 and one of my other children age 13 already has a paper round. I was hopeful that a job would motivate him when school didn't. I am not ever going to let any of my children become not in work or education, and as school never worked for him, I wondered if a job and the money would. We applied for his college place but again, I wondered/wonder if this would be the same as school.

Since March when lockdown happened, if I had insisted on trying to find a job, he would have become even more unmotivated and would have just say on his Xbox all day, appearing only for food or meet friends. Most of his friends have a Saturday/part time job.

Re. The phone. He has never been good at boundaries with technology/phones/Xbox and the reason we began the ground rule was because he would have to get up for for and be totally and utterly exhausted. Turns out he'd been playing games on his phone all night lying in bed. As a family, we all said about leaving our phones outside our room when we go to sleep. For those who say he's old enough to do this and all his friends would still be chatting, that's fair enough and I didn't ask him to leave his phone out at 9pm or anything. It was when he went to sleep. FWIW his dad turns the WiFi off at 11pm. Apparently that's fine and there is no attitude about it.

For whatever reason, he simply does not accept me parenting him.

Tidying the bedrooms at night time - really not a big ask. We have toys EVERY WHERE. My house is far from pristine but I ask them to take cups/plates down and pick up any crap on their floor. 5 min job. Stops the house getting out of control.

@LightDrizzle
I think you are spot on.

@bluebell34567
I agree.

I paid for all mine until 18 regardless of where they were living, still my responsibility after all. @canigooutyet How come he's not the responsibility of his father? The OP has done more than her fair share with little help from her son's father, is the boy not his responsibility too?

@megatron
So because the other parent has been shit it means it fine for both to be shit?

I’ve never seen it as well I’ve done my bit so they are on their own. Same with many other parents - help during uni years, car, towards the house, wedding etc.

To cut him off from that communication is telling him fuck you then. Rearranging rooms without letting him know, a big fuck you.

He’s a minor still not an adult. Teens rebel. They don’t constantly like being told what to do but then who does?

My eldest (the one who lived elsewhere) has a defiance disorder. Tell him what to do and good luck. Ask him and most of the time he will. It’s not about him having everyone wrapped round his finger. It’s about respecting him as an individual and giving him choices. Same with the others.

I ask twice if it doesn’t get done then they get told and face the consequences.

I’m not judging other people parenting. It’s just an observation I noticed that many young people are often told what to do and lots of don’ts.

He has picked the path of least resistance, it might be what he needs, it might be what brings you closer or further away. But you need to try and be supportive. He needs to know that if he returns he will not be made to feel that’s it a victory for you, that he has proven you right. As it is that, that will keep him away. The more neutral you are the easier it is for him to come back.

Rearranging rooms without letting him know, a big fuck you.

Nobody has said not to tell him. But he is notified. Not asked.

Hey. Hope you're well. Just to let you know your moving into X room and Sibling is moving into your old room.
If you want to come over and redecorate let us know and we can get the stuff.

And many have said let him know if he goes back. Op could ask him if he needs anything from his room whilst they are having a rejuggle of rooms.

So because the other parent has been shit it means it fine for both to be shit?

@canigooutyet Please, point out where I said that. Where did I say it was fine for either parent to be shit?

By all means disagree, but let's try and do it in a sensible way.

My point is that he is not only the responsibility of one parent, he is the responsibility of both. The OP sounds like she's tried really hard with her DS and I'm sure she'll continue to try. My DS is 16 and a bloody nightmare at the moment and navigating my way through is not easy, particularly at the moment. I'll give him plenty of leeway but I won't be an emotional punchbag for anyone and I won't let anyone take the piss. I think (and feel free to disagree) that for the OPs son to have treated her the way he did - telling her to fuck off, laughing at her for being a woman, then having no contact for two weeks except to ask if she's paying for his phone - is a pisstake. I think there needs to be some give and take.

I didn't mention the situation with the rooms.

I would lay off the comments like expecting him to ask after his siblings, he's 16 it's not going to happen.

If you are going to pay for the phone then you should have just replied "yes of course". If not then a simple "no you're Dad is going to need to pay it now"

I would ask him "are you intending on coming backing within the next 2 weeks because if not x is moving into the big room and your room will now be the small one"

A friend's son moved out when he was 12, his dad bought him new bedroom furniture, new clothes and new bike etc etc, after a 6 weeks my friend said to him that his younger brother was now moving into the big room and suddenly he couldn't get home fast enough.

Don' t pay for the phone, do message him saying how pleased you are he is happy and content with his dad who will doubtless take over all the stuff you have been doing (including the phone) .Explain that you are reshuffling the rooms but there will always be space for him and he is welcome to come and collect anything he wants from his current room Do not allow him to continue bullying you - because that is what he has been doing and allowing him to feel it is ok to treat women - or anyone - that way is not conducive to his future well being. So sorry you are going through this.We had a similar situation and it took several years before our DD had an epiphany, but we are now very close. Chin up and focus on your other dc