16 year old has moved to his dad's

[whatisthepoint202200]

My 16 year old has moved to his dad as he says he "needs a break from me". His dad lives in a different area to me. I am totally heartbroken and almost feel like I'm grieving. I am also so angry at the injustice of it. His dad is not a bad person, but he has taken a very backseat role in parenting up until now. It is me and my husband who have given him the holidays, the Christmases, the experiences, the opportunities, the birthdays, the love, the patience and the never-ending support. Over the years I have had to speak to his dad about various issues such as the fact he never took him on holiday, didn't insist he did homework when he was round there. All of this was left to me.

The relationship between me and my son hasn't been great the last few years. He's beyond lazy and has refused to work for his GCSEs and refused to find a job. He has lacked any form of work ethic and only has wanted to do things he enjoys. It has been a battle since he was young and it doesn't matter what angle we took, it never changed. Teachers and tutors (we paid for tutors) would tear their hair out trying to help. I told him that when he's 16 he has to make a concerted effort to find a job or his pocket money will stop. He didn't do this, so we insisted he went to work with my husband in the family business and his attitude was so dire that my husband had to apologise to customers about him.

I was very cross with him and he kept telling me to 'get over my grudge'. He did not understand why I was so angry. To cut a long story short, it led to a huge argument - a proper screaming match. This hasn't happened before as I rarely shout, but all my anger came out from the years of his refusal to so anything work related. He stood and laughed at me, called me mental and mad. He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

During this argument my anger came out about his refusal to follow very basic family rules - just little things such as no phones at the table (he was always 'just writing one text') or no phone in bedrooms at night time, or the rule of making sure bedrooms are tidy before bed evey day. Rules that all my other children have no issues with He truly thought he was above all of this. It led to me just permenantly being in battle with him. The arrogance in him is hard to fathom.

He told me he's moving to his dad's as he needed a break from me. His stepmum came and collected him and he told me to fuck off whilst smirking and laughing as he got in the car. I felt totally bereft.

He's been at his dad's for 2 weeks now. His dad has kept me a little bit informed but there is some definite smugness there. Within those 2 weeks he has apparently got a job, and has not displayed any of the behaviour he displayed at home. His dad proudly told me how my son respects him and wouldn't behave like that to him. I have tried to reach out to his dad for a bit of support but it sounds very much like my son has portrayed me as a monster. Apparently he is also looking at going to a college closer to his dad's.

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

I just can't believe how he is treating me. He acts as if he is the wronged one, and that I am some awful parent that he despises. Not the loving mum who has bent over backwards to love him and support him.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is honestly broken. He took everything accept from his furniture. I go in and sob in his bedroom . I feel sick everyday about it all. I can't grasp where I went so wrong. The injustice of it hurts so badly.

I'm just reaching out and hoping someone has words of wisdom or experience.

I have total sympathy here. This has happened to my dh. Teens have gone off to their mothers and apparently it's all hunky dory. I'm quite sure it isn't and won't last as they're very difficult kids but meantime dh breaks his heart. This is huge problem with split parents. Kids always have one parent to play off the other. They pick and choose where they go as soon as something happens they don't like. This is a really sad state of affairs and so bad for kids.
I would continue with the phone but not much more than that. He will eventually see the light but you have to be patient and try to enjoy the peace meantime.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hold off on the bedroom for a few months. If he's not back by September you can do something then.

Sounds really tough OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

The comments on his room are a very interesting comparison to the same discussions where step children are concerned. Presuming you’ll still see him sometimes I wouldn’t get rid of a space for him in your home. Even if he commits to college at his dad’s he may be back for weekend.

Has your ex asked for child support for your son?

I would hold off giving his room to another sibling just yet. It could send a message to your son that you’ve washed your hands of him which could do further damage to your fragile relationship.

I teach teenagers. They often flit between homes. I'd keep paying for his phone quietly.

I'd leave his room until he's been gone at least a month. Then run it by him. Say we're thinking if switching rooms, you'll have x's room when you come to stay. Keep communication open. Don't argue via text

I would let one of the other dc have his room if it's the best one. It doesn't mean he can't move back in the future but the other dc should have priority on it now.

Are your other dc half siblings to him?

I agree with others he's likely in a honeymoon period at Dad's.

My teenage son certainly responds to his Dad better than me when he's being stroppy. I would struggle if I was separated from his Dad.

And all issues have been magnified by lockdown.

agree with the others, stoppaying for his phone, but dont switch rooms yet.

leave this open until septemberish, give him the option by then. He might end up being at college at his dad's, but it also might give him the shove backto you

I am sorry OP, this must be a really difficult time. Teens can be such hard work

Play the long game if you want to preserve and build your relationship with him.

Still be consistent and stable- just like you've always been.
He'll eventually grow up, and appreciate your love and care.

Swap rooms, but maybe decorate it a bit for him.
If you can afford it, pay for the phone ( small investment).

If you ex didn't bother for most of your sons life, he won't stay the course when ( inevitably) your son acts up.

its a difficult age and your ex is going to be gloating. However your DS as moved into his dads and therefore with decisions becomes consequebces so no you wont be paying for his phone. You provide ex and him with the details and number and cancel the DD

Why should the room be empty for the other children to have to look at with the hope that his highness graces them again.
He's older, he's decided to leave. Now it's someone else's turn.
Don't let the brat become the golden child. It will piss off the others.

It shows bad behaviour gets rewarded.

I left for my dad’s at that age. It was not because my dad was wonderful but because I was desperately unhappy at my mum’s and needed to get out.

My mother’s partner made me miserable and my mother made it clear that he and not I was her priority. It was a really tough few years (my father was a crap parent) but I never went back and never regretted leaving.

l get along fine with my mother now, and did as soon as I was not sharing a house with her any more.

Just let him. You've taught him the lessons for life and it'll gall you a bit that you don't see the benefits of those lessons right now. Try not to let it.

A lot of teens are knobs at that age, he can be a knob to you because he knows you love him.

As for the bedroom. Tell him it's being used for something else from x date and you'll keep a room free for him when he comes to stay and stop bankrolling him. Tell him his dad can set up a new contract and sort out maintenance with his dad, who can then choose what he spends it on.

Thanks so much everyone, your support is amazing.

Yes, my other children are my husband's children. But he's brought my son up since he was 6. They have always had a great relationship until the last few years.

@AskingforaBaskin
This is how I feel . He has held all the cards for years and has always dangled moving to his dad's Infront of me. I feel that the best room is now empty whilst he buggers off, and it's showing the other children that his behaviour is rewarded and that he is still Lord of the Manor.

Ps. maintenance hasn't been discussed yet.
If I have to pay maintenance it won't be much as I work part time. I hadn't really thought of that. Thanks

I think re-assigning the room when he has only been gone two weeks is a bit premature - he could fall out with his dad and be back next week.

I’d wait until September, and see if he enrols in a local college. Same with the phone - when is the contract up for renewal? Don’t give him the impression you are cutting him off, wait for a natural end to things.

DSS did the same. Moved in with us, then 2 years later moved out because we had rules. Nothing bad, homework had to be done, bed at a certain time, no swearing. But, his mum lets him do whatever the fuck he wants, he doesn't do homework, his grades are shite now, he's rude to her, and his grandparents, spends most of his time at his girlfriend's house.

We've just let him get on with it because honestly nothing we did made a difference. I know it's hard to accept. Sorry I don't have any better solutions!

Very similar here.
Dd is 15.
At her dads and the break has been wonderful.
If she doesn't stick to the rules then she can't come back and all financial ties will be cut and she knows this.
Enjoy the peace. Yes it's shit thinking he's behaving better for his dad but you don't know that that is the truth. All who know me have commented on how much better I am for her not being here. You will get to the same too.
If there's no respect there's no point them being in the home it becomes toxic. Take this time for you, and the rest of your family, and really think about what you want

He is still only 16. It is a very tricky age for many. He was awful to you - I can well understand how hurt you are - but think about the longterm relationship you will have with him.

I would say just loosen your anxiety about him a bit now he is no longer under your roof. Stop correcting him, praise the good bits. Let your ex deal with the other stuff. So decide whether it is reasonable or not to pay for his phone and reply to that either "yes I will still pay for your phone" or "didn't think I needed to pay now you have a job - well done on that by the way. really proud". Ignore that he hasn't asked about his family just tell him how they are doing. If your ex starts crowing about how he is respectful to him say "yes we reared a good boy didn't we". The "we" can be ambiguous.

He is only gone 2 weeks. I wouldn't move bedrooms around yet. But if he is still gone at the end of the summer then yes I would - while leaving a bedroom that is clearly his.

It sounds like you both needed a break. I’m sorry. You must feel so sad.

Your son is 16 and not allowed his phone in his bedroom at night? Did I read that right or mistaken?

If I did, then from one action alone I can see why he gets like this with you. All his friends are going to be on theirs. If he's old enough to get a job he's old enough to decide when to use his phone

@willithappen
Yes you did read that correctly. Even us adults leave our phones outside our bedroom when we go to sleep. Thanks for your support btw. Nice to know I've failed at parenting for such a simple thing

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

Would many 16 year olds think to ask after their siblings after a gap of two weeks? You may be expecting a level of maturity he just isn't capable of yet.

I wouldn't give his room away after two weeks either. He is still in the honeymoon phase with his father, things could go very left quite quickly once he has settled in and reverted to usual teenage type. Maybe leave it alone for the summer and see how things go.

I would have loved somewhere else to live at your DS age, I joined the military instead. It saved my relationship with my DM, we were probably too alike and clashed. I spoke to her but it took about two years for us to form a relationship.
I would allow your other children to hang out in his room but not have them move in. I’d pay for the phone if you can. If your son becomes independent, works and improves his grades then this is not a bad thing.
You just need to keep strong, tell him you are glad and proud that’s it working out. As long as he is happy then allow him his space. I know all this is easier said than done.

Well as everyone says teenagers can be selfish and unfeeling and if they can, play one parent off another. I am divorced with 2 late teens and I found my DS moody, difficult, lazy and unfeeling at times. That's what they do.

To be fair lockdown has been incredibly tough on everyone and I dare say there are many people who would live to change house and get away from their family. My two went off to their Dads for a week and it was bliss. Just pleasing myself.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure going to live with his Dad is such a terrible thing to do. It's clearly not working in your house and it sounds as if you are all angry and frustrated. Something needed to change and just expecting him to bend to your will wasn't working was it - and no one was willing or able to compromise or shift the dynamic. It seems quite a mature decision to change the situation. Time to take a breather.

I'm certainly not a liberal no rules Mum but I also do try to work at my relationship with my kids and if we get stuck in an oppositional rut find ways to adapt and flex, to listen to them and hear what they want and how we can change things. They don't really love aggro either - mostly they want to chill at home. As we all do. If you show that you can adapt and change even in small ways then you are modelling the behaviour you expect too. (And of course I've ranted at my two and had rows....)... None of us are perfect but we keep trying. Just as we would in an adult relationship.

I was always aware that there would be a chance that my two might choose to go and live with their Dad at some point - they have a right to choose. And it's not a divine right they stay majoritiively with their Mum forever.

Maybe you all need a break?

However, I would never do away with either of my DCs rooms ( okay when they're 27 I will....). Because I'd like them to be able to come back and know I'm always there for them through thick and thin. I'd not want to seem like I wanted to continue the dispute or be tit for tat.

Just my thoughts - I wish you well. It's not easy. Why not enjoy the peace and take care of you. It must be nice not to have all the aggro in your house. Make the most of it.