16 year old has moved to his dad's

[whatisthepoint202200]

My 16 year old has moved to his dad as he says he "needs a break from me". His dad lives in a different area to me. I am totally heartbroken and almost feel like I'm grieving. I am also so angry at the injustice of it. His dad is not a bad person, but he has taken a very backseat role in parenting up until now. It is me and my husband who have given him the holidays, the Christmases, the experiences, the opportunities, the birthdays, the love, the patience and the never-ending support. Over the years I have had to speak to his dad about various issues such as the fact he never took him on holiday, didn't insist he did homework when he was round there. All of this was left to me.

The relationship between me and my son hasn't been great the last few years. He's beyond lazy and has refused to work for his GCSEs and refused to find a job. He has lacked any form of work ethic and only has wanted to do things he enjoys. It has been a battle since he was young and it doesn't matter what angle we took, it never changed. Teachers and tutors (we paid for tutors) would tear their hair out trying to help. I told him that when he's 16 he has to make a concerted effort to find a job or his pocket money will stop. He didn't do this, so we insisted he went to work with my husband in the family business and his attitude was so dire that my husband had to apologise to customers about him.

I was very cross with him and he kept telling me to 'get over my grudge'. He did not understand why I was so angry. To cut a long story short, it led to a huge argument - a proper screaming match. This hasn't happened before as I rarely shout, but all my anger came out from the years of his refusal to so anything work related. He stood and laughed at me, called me mental and mad. He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

During this argument my anger came out about his refusal to follow very basic family rules - just little things such as no phones at the table (he was always 'just writing one text') or no phone in bedrooms at night time, or the rule of making sure bedrooms are tidy before bed evey day. Rules that all my other children have no issues with He truly thought he was above all of this. It led to me just permenantly being in battle with him. The arrogance in him is hard to fathom.

He told me he's moving to his dad's as he needed a break from me. His stepmum came and collected him and he told me to fuck off whilst smirking and laughing as he got in the car. I felt totally bereft.

He's been at his dad's for 2 weeks now. His dad has kept me a little bit informed but there is some definite smugness there. Within those 2 weeks he has apparently got a job, and has not displayed any of the behaviour he displayed at home. His dad proudly told me how my son respects him and wouldn't behave like that to him. I have tried to reach out to his dad for a bit of support but it sounds very much like my son has portrayed me as a monster. Apparently he is also looking at going to a college closer to his dad's.

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

I just can't believe how he is treating me. He acts as if he is the wronged one, and that I am some awful parent that he despises. Not the loving mum who has bent over backwards to love him and support him.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is honestly broken. He took everything accept from his furniture. I go in and sob in his bedroom . I feel sick everyday about it all. I can't grasp where I went so wrong. The injustice of it hurts so badly.

I'm just reaching out and hoping someone has words of wisdom or experience.

@megatron that was the impression you gave from your post saying she’d done her bit, dad wasn’t helpful so time for her to set back.

The room bit it was to those who had mentioned this. I should have made this clearer.

Teens are a nightmare. Three down and one to go. So much easier to deal with before secondary. That’s when everything becomes obvious to them. They see how much their own mates live etc.

They start to find out all their rights etc and parents suddenly find themselves in situations where they are essentially powerless.

I’ve had my teens mates stay here for prolonged periods of time. Once welfare checks are done that’s it. Cannot be dragged home. And once home nothing to stop them from bolting again. It’s not like when they were in primary and you could fob them off 🤣

So far I’ve had the violent 11 year old (we all get in brilliantly btw). And one with mh who was a nightmare and banged up during teens but not until 15/16. Thought I’d gotten away with the teen years looool.

Youngest teen amongst other things also has a defiance disorder so telling each other what to do is alien. I’m very open with them and include them in everything that involves them. It was the only way I got through having two teens and a toddler in the house with a shred of a marble left lol.

Ramped up not banged up

Teenage years are crap aren’t they, I’d second pp and say enjoy the peace while he’s away.

Going forward you need to pick your battles, answering with an admonishment when he had opened up the lines of communication was never going to go smoothly. Maybe start by asking how the job is going, don’t offer advice just try and keep the lines of communication open. Also wait a bit before changing the rooms around, he’s only been gone a fortnight. If you decide to carry on paying for the phone try and get a few snippets of general nice chit chat before you tell him.

Good luck

@Megatron

So because the other parent has been shit it means it fine for both to be shit?

@canigooutyet Please, point out where I said that. Where did I say it was fine for either parent to be shit?

By all means disagree, but let's try and do it in a sensible way.

My point is that he is not only the responsibility of one parent, he is the responsibility of both. The OP sounds like she's tried really hard with her DS and I'm sure she'll continue to try. My DS is 16 and a bloody nightmare at the moment and navigating my way through is not easy, particularly at the moment. I'll give him plenty of leeway but I won't be an emotional punchbag for anyone and I won't let anyone take the piss. I think (and feel free to disagree) that for the OPs son to have treated her the way he did - telling her to fuck off, laughing at her for being a woman, then having no contact for two weeks except to ask if she's paying for his phone - is a pisstake. I think there needs to be some give and take.

I didn't mention the situation with the rooms.

This is exactly it. He has become so cold and so spiteful to me, and only me. His dad gets never ending respect. He has always been nervous of his dad, and even if they fell out, he'd be pussy footing around him on text message etc and saying he misses his dad. It's heartbreaking that I don't get the same nice treatment.

I am not going to give up him having a room here, but he is certainly not getting the best room and the choice of it. That would be teaching my other children (all girls) that he can remain as Lord of the Manor despite the way he has treated us.

she’d done her bit, dad wasn’t helpful so time for her to set back.

Again, this is not what I said @canigooutyet. I said that she's done more than her fair share with little help from dad (true). He is the responsibility of his dad too, meaning as well as.(true). At no point did I say that she'd done her bit and should set (step?) back. I actually think that is the last thing she should be doing and judging by heartbroken she is, I don't think she would want to either.

Oh the room is more than fair.
It’s down to how you handle it whilst trying to keep the lines of communication works.

One of mine worshipped dad for years. We was all baffled cos no one saw him 🤣 of course it’s hard when they lash out and think the best of the other person.

Try and find out if something else is going on. It’s like they are still toddlers in a way and don’t know how to express themselves. Weird stage between a kid and an adult, supposed to be responsible etc but without any of the benefits of that makes sense.

Has he ever been seen by a educational psychologist? I’m not arm chair diagnosing just wondered because he also had issues with school and tutors.

Well, if he is better behaved at his dads then that might be a good thing? I'm a bit sceptical if he'll stay that way but if he starts acting up with dad then at least dad will now understand what is wrong.

Try not to take it personally, it's hormones. They gros out of it. He'll resent you if you start shouting or crying at him. In tge end you want him to make some good choices, and right now he is doing that regarding work and college.

If she’s not supporting him though as some are suggesting, isn’t that taking a step back?

I am not going to give up him having a room here, but he is certainly not getting the best room and the choice of it. That would be teaching my other children (all girls) that he can remain as Lord of the Manor despite the way he has treated us.

I think that's a fair point @whatisthepoint202200. All actions have consequences (for all of us) and I think you're right that your other children should understand that too. I wonder if your DS thinks that he can somehow 'control' the situation by moving out? That you'll do anything to get him to move back and feels like he is calling the shots? I'm not saying that that is the case, it's just a thought. I really sympathise, I feel like I can't do anything right with my 16 year old DS at the moment, it's really shit isn't it.

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing regarding the bedrooms, for exactly the reasons you state. I wouldn't be paying for his phone either.

I hope you and your girls enjoy the peace.

If she’s not supporting him though as some are suggesting, isn’t that taking a step back?

Your response to me would be better placed to those people then @canigooutyet, as it's not what I said.

@Megatron
Thank you It's really shit isn't it?

I know of plenty of parents who are 100X more harsh to their teenagers and they haven't moved out or threatened to.
Life doesn't work like that. I'm 38 and still told what to do by my manager....she doesn't pussy foot around and make me feel like it's my decision lol.

I do feel totally bullied by him. It also makes me feel fearful for the future with my other children. Although they're all totally different characters, enjoy doing homework, helping, comitt to hobbies and have aspirations.

He's had a full work-up with a neuropsychologist which was interesting - showed no issues, just a complete disinterest in doing anything he doesn't want to do. He is very very similar to his dad, having an incredibly arrogant attitude, especially to women which horrifies me.

I think this is must be fairly unique to split families because in a family where parents are together, they don't have the option of a bolt hole.

@Megatron jeeeze this thread is mental. No where did I say that it was okay for the son to say those things to his mum for being female. No need to be twisting my words like that or putting assumptions in at all.

You're right @willithappen, I apologise. I've just said exactly the same to another poster for doing the same to me.

I don’t know how I have twisted anything.

I paid for all mine until 18 regardless of where they were living, still my responsibility after all.

@canigooutyet How come he's not the responsibility of his father? The OP has done more than her fair share with little help from her son's father, is the boy not his responsibility too

Shame you focused on a specific thing from the entire paragraph

The phone pay it to keep line of communication open. I paid for all mine until 18 regardless of where they were living, still my responsibility after all. Still gave them money, bought them things etc as if they were still living here, plus money to the person they were living with. Had it all done within 2 weeks including letting child benefit etc know

A parent who opts out of their responsibilities is a shit one. It’s pathetic to treat a child like this and even worse when they have decided to go and live with their other parent. I couldn’t do that to mine, bad enough one parent constantly let them down without me twisting the knife in.

Whilst people can give you varying advice they do not have to live with the consequences. How will he view loosing his room? Will it have the desired effect or will it “prove” to him he’s probably not really wanted there. If you want him back do not create lines in the sand, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with his awful behaviour but if he feels not welcome he will only be back because he has no options.

I don’t know how I have twisted anything.

You specifically said that I had said something that I hadn't.

I'm not up for a bunfight anyway, that's not really helpful to the OP anyway.

OP, I really hope you find a way to keep communicating with your DS without feeling metaphorically pushed around and bullied, that's not acceptable at all. People do tell me that these years are the hardest, so I do hope that's true. Best of luck.

I left home completely when I was 16, having been an absolute shit to my mum for a couple of years beforehand.

Maybe this is what it will take for him to be a decent human being. Hopefully one day he'll treat you with some gratitude and respect (expect to wait 10ish years though!)

Have read the whole thread.

I understand OP, I really do. I have three adult DCs and the eldest left home to stay at her dad's, she was also 16. She treated me like dirt and it hurt me terribly. I so relate to you saying you feel like you're grieving, because I did to.

Ten years later, I realise that she felt more relaxed and comfortable around me - so I saw and got all the teenage angst, anger. I was her emotional punchbag, and because I was her mum, I just took it. I realise this was wrong - my boundaries were too low.

I think you've given us a lot of information here, about the dynamic. He scorns women (like his dad). You, by putting up with the poor behaviour, (as I did, I'm not criticising you at all), confirmed his impression that women are second class. This impression is now reinforced by his dad.

You say that he is nervous around his dad, and shows him respect. That's because he knows, he can't push his luck with his dad, like he can with you.

It would be great if we were respected and treated well simply because we deserve it - but others, like your DS, don't see it that way - so you now need to earn his respect. And you do this by respecting yourself and putting up boundaries.

I would offer to pay for the phone for a period of 3 months, and tell him you'll review it then. I would certainly let another DC have the best room, it seems daft to leave it empty. I would also ensure that he has a room available which is made nice too.

I doubt that he will stay with his dad for very long - they sound very similar and at the moment both are falling over themselves to make it work - this is unsustainable long term.

If he does want to come back home, explain to him that things will have to change, and set out your expectations. Make them reasonable but above all ensure that he respects you. Then welcome him back with open arms.

Short term - I'd take a back seat, and let the dust settle. Leave him to his own devices, but reply to texts and be cheery and non confrontational.

You'll be fine - it will work out - but put yourself first, and start to respect yourself, lead by example. He'll follow.

Good luck

I have to say the rule saying he’s not allowed his phone In his room is ludicrous

@Tabithha

I have to say the rule saying he’s not allowed his phone In his room is ludicrous

I agree. That's a serious invasion of privacy for a 16 yr old.

Nobody being allowed their phone in their bedrooms is weird. I'd love to know if overnight guests are allowed theirs.

Ok that's fine if you think that, but it was making him a terrible insomniac and it was in his best interests. Such a small thing is not a reason for him to have moved out though really is it. So please can we stick to sensible discussions and remember I am in tears constantly, feel shaky and am absolutely beside myself.

Of course overnight guests can have their phones. Please go away from this thread if you're only here to be unkind

@SophieB100
Thank you so much for such a long response. Just doing dinner and then will respond properly

Those having a go re. The phone, it was to help him sleep. He could keep it with him until whatever time that was. Leaving it outside his room meant that he wasn't tempted to wake up in the night and start messing about with it and then be awake for hours, which is what was happening. I would also like your comments on his dad turning the WiFi off at 11pm. My son never complains about that....!

People aren’t being unkind by pointing out your no phone rule is over the top. Makes me wonder if you’re actually as hard done by as you think. My mum was just like you when I was a teen. Always the victim and I was the monstrous, hormonal teenager. But like you she had crazy rules and I felt infantilised and disrespected so naturally I pushed back. Strict parents only ever see the situation from their viewpoint. They rarely acknowledge they’re in the wrong. I don’t agree with the way your son speaks to you but I can see why he left