16 year old has moved to his dad's

[whatisthepoint202200]

My 16 year old has moved to his dad as he says he "needs a break from me". His dad lives in a different area to me. I am totally heartbroken and almost feel like I'm grieving. I am also so angry at the injustice of it. His dad is not a bad person, but he has taken a very backseat role in parenting up until now. It is me and my husband who have given him the holidays, the Christmases, the experiences, the opportunities, the birthdays, the love, the patience and the never-ending support. Over the years I have had to speak to his dad about various issues such as the fact he never took him on holiday, didn't insist he did homework when he was round there. All of this was left to me.

The relationship between me and my son hasn't been great the last few years. He's beyond lazy and has refused to work for his GCSEs and refused to find a job. He has lacked any form of work ethic and only has wanted to do things he enjoys. It has been a battle since he was young and it doesn't matter what angle we took, it never changed. Teachers and tutors (we paid for tutors) would tear their hair out trying to help. I told him that when he's 16 he has to make a concerted effort to find a job or his pocket money will stop. He didn't do this, so we insisted he went to work with my husband in the family business and his attitude was so dire that my husband had to apologise to customers about him.

I was very cross with him and he kept telling me to 'get over my grudge'. He did not understand why I was so angry. To cut a long story short, it led to a huge argument - a proper screaming match. This hasn't happened before as I rarely shout, but all my anger came out from the years of his refusal to so anything work related. He stood and laughed at me, called me mental and mad. He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

During this argument my anger came out about his refusal to follow very basic family rules - just little things such as no phones at the table (he was always 'just writing one text') or no phone in bedrooms at night time, or the rule of making sure bedrooms are tidy before bed evey day. Rules that all my other children have no issues with He truly thought he was above all of this. It led to me just permenantly being in battle with him. The arrogance in him is hard to fathom.

He told me he's moving to his dad's as he needed a break from me. His stepmum came and collected him and he told me to fuck off whilst smirking and laughing as he got in the car. I felt totally bereft.

He's been at his dad's for 2 weeks now. His dad has kept me a little bit informed but there is some definite smugness there. Within those 2 weeks he has apparently got a job, and has not displayed any of the behaviour he displayed at home. His dad proudly told me how my son respects him and wouldn't behave like that to him. I have tried to reach out to his dad for a bit of support but it sounds very much like my son has portrayed me as a monster. Apparently he is also looking at going to a college closer to his dad's.

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

I just can't believe how he is treating me. He acts as if he is the wronged one, and that I am some awful parent that he despises. Not the loving mum who has bent over backwards to love him and support him.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is honestly broken. He took everything accept from his furniture. I go in and sob in his bedroom . I feel sick everyday about it all. I can't grasp where I went so wrong. The injustice of it hurts so badly.

I'm just reaching out and hoping someone has words of wisdom or experience.

@whatisthepoint202200 - i get your phone rules. Some teenagers are unable to put heir phones down, sadly. Perhaps the ones criticizing have children that do Ok with it. But I also have one that will stay up until 4 or 5 Am if he has access to a device....

@Tabithha
He's not monterous, I adore him. He's been hard work the last few years. You know very little about me. I'm always the first to apologise. I am far from strict, but I am strict about devices in the night.

Quite honestly, your son sounds like a normal teenager. For the past three weeks he won't have been allowed to go anywhere much so did it really matter if he was insomniac? He could sleep during the day. At sixteen you can't really tell him what to do with his phone. However I know you meant well.

It will be good for you to have a break from eachother, honestly, and he'll be back before you know it.

Please don't fret.

@Lynda07
It's not been since lockdown, it's been for a few years. He was falling asleep at school.

The phone really wasn't a big deal between us anyway! I was just highlighting a few of our basic rules.

No devices in bedrooms at night time is always reccomended for adults too - good sleep hygiene and all that.

Seriously that wasn't a big issue between us but our relationship as a whole had become very toxic .

I am surprised at the posters who say use the room, cut off the phone...

You sound like you really need to talk it out. It’s u fair but kids are and actually a few problems now don’t negate the past. 16 is a funny age, insufferable and nearly an adult. You are both saying in different ways that things need to change. You both want love. He wants you to show yours by paying for the phone and you want him to come back in your terms. Find a middle ground. Remind him you love him, congratulate him on the job - send a card and transfer some cash for work clothes or equivalent, and be light and breezy to your ex. Don’t give a bugger - it’s meaningless, the honeymoon phase. I would quietly pay for the phone and leave the room. Give him a month and if he has moved more permanently then discuss this with him. He can pay his own phone then or your ex can. He can’t expect a room to be left as a shrine but you can make it clear he has one with you and get his input to redecorate the room that he ends with.

Think of him as emotionally a toddler with the thinking skills or a narcissist and still be co docent that this is neither unusual or a life long condition.

I do feel for you, whatisthepoint. A breathing space will do you both good.

Thank you again everyone.

We've actually just had a positive chat over text. He's told me he's got a girlfriend now, a girl he was talking to the last 3 months. She lives near his dad's. I am wondering if this is something to do with it.
I said that's great, she sounds lovely and I'll look forward to meeting her. He asked about the dog, asked what I'd been up to. I sent him some photos of the dog. We talked about The Tiger King on Netflix.

It's definitely a start

Sounds really positive:)

That must be a big relief!
Hopefully you can relax a bit and enjoy the peace now.

Of course overnight guests can have their phones. Please go away from this thread if you're only here to be unkind

I'm not trying to be unkind. I just think it's weird there's a blanket ban for everyone in the household.

On schooldays I totally get it. At the minute when everyone's floating through the year aimlessly? Don't see the issue.

Anyway, glad to hear things have settled down and he's happier. Girlfriends can do funny things to hormonal teens

OP you are right about phones - parents who criticise this policy probably don't have kids who can't control their usage. As you point out it is important parenting to teach sleep hygiene. And while the child is in compulsory education parents should be doing their best to ensure they are fit for school including being awake.

As an aside has anyone discussed contraception and consent with him?

OP, well done on the positive text, that's the way to go - chatty, supportive...regarding not moaning about his dad turning the wi-fi off at 11 - goes back to my rather long winded (sorry) message earlier - he respects his dad and can't push his luck - he might be really peed off inside, but knows his dad won't tolerate a kick off.

He will respect you too - as long as you lead by respecting yourself - it doesn't have to be confrontational, just go with the flow for now - keep chatting to him, accept that it's very hard, but all part of him growing up.

Things had to change, and now there's every chance that your relationship with him will improve. This is the rough bit, but it will get better.

That's really positive news, whatis. I'm pleased for you.

I think I can give you an opinion based on being a younger sibling.
I agree, he moved out so his room is now up for grabs otherwise it looks like his behaviour is being rewarded and that's just not fair. The good kids get overlooked and expected to always be good and then not rewarded. I've seen it a lot.

His dad can pay for the phone bill or maybe he can pay himself from work. This will be a big wake up call for him seeing how it costs to run things. I didn't really grow up with financial knowledge so it was a shock.

I don't think it's bad that you mentioned him not asking about his siblings. It may make him think, maybe not. But I see the suggestions about just being positive towards him as quite a good idea.

I also don't think what you did about phones was bad. Smartphones only just came out when I was a late teen but we had internet etc. and I'd stay up really late on school nights. I was knackered at school and looked really tired. Although I would have hated it, being able to sleep and having boundaries would have been good for me. You should not be criticised for making good decisions. It impacted me quite negatively too but teens are stubborn. Sleep is important.

I hope things work out better for you. Hopefully the relationship will improve and he becomes mature and responsible.

He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

This is vile. I know some posters on here expect you to pander to your sons HOWEVER if you want to save your relationship, you need to earn your son respect.

You son living with his dad is the best option right now. Stay strong, keep to boundaries and have a more civil relationship living apart. It hurts but maybe your son is better off with his dad.

*He is still only 16. It is a very tricky age for many. He was awful to you - I can well understand how hurt you are - but think about the longterm relationship you will have with him.

I would say just loosen your anxiety about him a bit now he is no longer under your roof. Stop correcting him, praise the good bits. Let your ex deal with the other stuff. So decide whether it is reasonable or not to pay for his phone and reply to that either "yes I will still pay for your phone" or "didn't think I needed to pay now you have a job - well done on that by the way. really proud". Ignore that he hasn't asked about his family just tell him how they are doing. If your ex starts crowing about how he is respectful to him say "yes we reared a good boy didn't we". The "we" can be ambiguous.

He is only gone 2 weeks. I wouldn't move bedrooms around yet. But if he is still gone at the end of the summer then yes I would - while leaving a bedroom that is clearly his.*

Brilliant post @pallisers

Don't follow peoples advice re. Phone and room. Imagine your mum cancelling your phone contract and getting rid of your bedroom two weeks after you left. It would be like a door slamming in your face. Explain to your other children that of he is not back by September there will be a room swap, but that until then it's a play room/sleepover room. Same with phone, wait for the contract to end and reassure him by saying you are still his mum and will pay.
I doubt he will come back but at that point it won't hurt him so much. You should be sending him messages updating him about you, the family, keeping him in contact and the lines of communication wide open. Praising the good stuff like his job. Anything tricky, like the mobile phone, sort it out with his dad or via a real conversation, not by text.

Glad you had a good chat - I agree with the poster who said congratulations on the job, the fact he us weary of his Dad but going to get a job get sleep etc great.

I really don’t see the rush over the bedroom - the other children might want it- it’s easy as a teen to feel the differences ( real or imagined) you getting rid of his room would be the you wanted me to go. Proves his point to be bitter. I think I would be offended if a couple big weeks I left home someone took my room

My heart goes out to you OP. I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid.

All 16 year olds I know are similar. Very nice boys from naice families, parents who care. Totally totally self centred and unappreciative of all the efforts made for them.

I honestly don't know how we've all got it do wrong: the parenting of this generation.

I haven't read the full thread.
You had the hard job of parenting - ie nagging and instructing. He is being defiant about that.
I think the best you can do is be a capable, successful, happy woman, he's proved you have no authority over him, let him go to his DF's, get on with your life. You seem needy and determined to be over-involved. (I know your his DM but at 16 what can you make him do that he doesn't want to?). Take a step back, be someone he can admire and emulate, not someone to avoid as they're always fretting and fussing.

@whatisthepoint202200

Thank you again everyone.

We've actually just had a positive chat over text. He's told me he's got a girlfriend now, a girl he was talking to the last 3 months. She lives near his dad's. I am wondering if this is something to do with it.
I said that's great, she sounds lovely and I'll look forward to meeting her. He asked about the dog, asked what I'd been up to. I sent him some photos of the dog. We talked about The Tiger King on Netflix.

It's definitely a start

Then don’t ruin it by giving away his room. Treat this as a summer holiday staying and spending time with his dad. If he gets into college there and will be living there primarily come September then let him you’re rearranging rooms since he’ll only be visiting.

Giving his room away right now would be rightly seen as a big f you to him. You’d be showing him you couldn’t wait to be rid of him, same with cutting of his phone. You need to build a relationship with him again, not be petty and vindictive to show him you can.

That’s positive op. Yes I’m sure that is a big reason for moving to dad’s if his girlfriend lives nearby. Keep up the communication and be positive. Remember you’re the adult and don’t lower yourself to his level by giving his room away. When my children were at school, we had a gadget ban from the bedroom but at 16 they need to start self regulating.

whats I am a parent of teen boys who did the whole no phones in your rooms overnight. They are meant to be sleeping, why on earth would they need their phone to sleep? Because they don't want to be sleeping they want to be on there contacting their mates at 3am.

We had Ds1's phone next to us and due to Dh being on call and awake several of Ds's friends were on the group chat at 2-3am, inane messages. I think the final one came through at 4am. The temptation can be too much for teens when if they wake in the night to just check their phone. So yes, I get it.

I think the girlfriend will have a lot to do with this new behaviour. If he is well behaved then of course he will be allowed out to meet up with his girlfriend hence being such a good boy for his Dad.

Re his phone, I would suggest if he is staying at his Dad's he takes it over from X date. This gives him time to sort it out with his Dad and he can take over the contract. Maybe when he has been there a month tell him that you think his Dad should pay and then give a date 2 weeks in the future.

Re his room, again I would let the girls play in it but keep it for a short while as his, it does look like he will be applying for college from there due to the girlfriend. Maybe have a mental deadline where you then move everyone round. At the end of the day he has told you his intentions are to stay at his Dad's so he will always have a room at yours but not the one he had previously.

I think the thing about divorced parents is the kid knows that they can usually bounce between houses. It gives them the option to be complete nightmares knowing full well that if they get kicked out they have somewhere to land.

FFS he WILL have a room at the OPs. But it will not be the best room. He has left. He isn't being punished it's practical, fair and if anything it would be a massive fuck you to the renaming siblings to leave it empty for his lord.

All of my friends with step parents and half siblings felt subtly that they were the outsider, even though I am sure the parents never consciously did anything to foster that. They then would test their parents love by being difficult which then meant they were the problem child, which further played into their idea of being less favoured. It is also very easy to compare your first teenager against younger children and not understand that many teenagers are lazy, deviant and mouthy. My mother thought I was a nightmare until my brother became a teen.

In my work I see a lot of children in step family situations that feel inferior and pushed out. There is a lot of anger at this perceived situation which often leads to them lashing out and being awful to those around them. This doesn't mean that they are actually being treated differently, just that they feel that way. I am not saying this behavior is acceptable at all, but it may be worth thinking about how to built bridges rather than burn them.

This could mean that you text back saying you are pleased he now has a job and are proud of him, but think it is sensible that he pays for his phone. Still the same message, but differently worded. If all of your texts to him raduate your own anger and disappointment then he will probably stop contacting you as he doesn't want to face that. I would also encourage you to keep in contact just asking how he is, sending him a random message about something funny you saw on tv. It doesn't mean you can't feel hurt and upset, but it keeps the door open between you.