16 year old has moved to his dad's

[whatisthepoint202200]

My 16 year old has moved to his dad as he says he "needs a break from me". His dad lives in a different area to me. I am totally heartbroken and almost feel like I'm grieving. I am also so angry at the injustice of it. His dad is not a bad person, but he has taken a very backseat role in parenting up until now. It is me and my husband who have given him the holidays, the Christmases, the experiences, the opportunities, the birthdays, the love, the patience and the never-ending support. Over the years I have had to speak to his dad about various issues such as the fact he never took him on holiday, didn't insist he did homework when he was round there. All of this was left to me.

The relationship between me and my son hasn't been great the last few years. He's beyond lazy and has refused to work for his GCSEs and refused to find a job. He has lacked any form of work ethic and only has wanted to do things he enjoys. It has been a battle since he was young and it doesn't matter what angle we took, it never changed. Teachers and tutors (we paid for tutors) would tear their hair out trying to help. I told him that when he's 16 he has to make a concerted effort to find a job or his pocket money will stop. He didn't do this, so we insisted he went to work with my husband in the family business and his attitude was so dire that my husband had to apologise to customers about him.

I was very cross with him and he kept telling me to 'get over my grudge'. He did not understand why I was so angry. To cut a long story short, it led to a huge argument - a proper screaming match. This hasn't happened before as I rarely shout, but all my anger came out from the years of his refusal to so anything work related. He stood and laughed at me, called me mental and mad. He also laughed at me for being a woman and said he will be successful despite me. It was hideous.

During this argument my anger came out about his refusal to follow very basic family rules - just little things such as no phones at the table (he was always 'just writing one text') or no phone in bedrooms at night time, or the rule of making sure bedrooms are tidy before bed evey day. Rules that all my other children have no issues with He truly thought he was above all of this. It led to me just permenantly being in battle with him. The arrogance in him is hard to fathom.

He told me he's moving to his dad's as he needed a break from me. His stepmum came and collected him and he told me to fuck off whilst smirking and laughing as he got in the car. I felt totally bereft.

He's been at his dad's for 2 weeks now. His dad has kept me a little bit informed but there is some definite smugness there. Within those 2 weeks he has apparently got a job, and has not displayed any of the behaviour he displayed at home. His dad proudly told me how my son respects him and wouldn't behave like that to him. I have tried to reach out to his dad for a bit of support but it sounds very much like my son has portrayed me as a monster. Apparently he is also looking at going to a college closer to his dad's.

Last night, after not hearing from my son for 2 weeks, I got a text saying "are you still gonna pay for my phone?". I replied and said that it would be nice if he had asked how his family and his siblings are. He replied 'OMG, you haven't changed'.

I just can't believe how he is treating me. He acts as if he is the wronged one, and that I am some awful parent that he despises. Not the loving mum who has bent over backwards to love him and support him.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is honestly broken. He took everything accept from his furniture. I go in and sob in his bedroom . I feel sick everyday about it all. I can't grasp where I went so wrong. The injustice of it hurts so badly.

I'm just reaching out and hoping someone has words of wisdom or experience.

Deviant? Defiant

My typing is just generally awful in that message. Ignore the numerous typos

I can see why you’re upset OP, but I do think some of your rules sound a bit overbearing. 16 year olds want privacy and to be able to talk to friends without parents in the background, so banning his phone from his bedroom was infantilising.

I also don’t get this attitude that teens must be sent out to work as soon as possible or they are destined to a life of misery. They will be working for 50 years of their lives, I don’t see the issue with them not wanting to be paid £5 an hour for grunt work. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there is a global recession at the moment and most places that would take 16 year olds are not exactly desperate to recruit?

@BarbedBloom
Thank you, that's a lovely post and definitely something to think about. He's always said he feels like that at his dad's house as his dad is married with 2 younger siblings now, but perhaps he's felt like that here too. Although I don't feel I've ever treated him differently, perhaps he feels he doesn't really 'fit' anywhere as he's the child from the split family?

We've been texting again today. I've said again how pleased I am about his job.

@whatisthepoint2020 That is great. As I said, it doesn't mean you have necessarily caused it, but just that sometimes people get this idea and then find examples of it by over analysing. If he also feels displaced at his dad's it could well be the cause and a reason too why he may be imitating his father's attitude. By painting you as a monster it may also be giving him more attention at his dad's house. Again he may not be doing this consciously.

Most of these kids end up seeing me when relationships have broken down and they can't see why any of it has happened. The parents are usually equally confused how their previously loving child suddenly became angry and hostile. Hormones don't help.

Keeping the door open is the key thing, which it sounds like you are doing. Teen years are a confusing time and it can be complicated by being in two blended families and yet feeling like he belongs in neither.

Oops @whatisthepoint202200

that's lovely you're chatting via text, maybe you both just need some space.

@SkyscraperStreets
He has always been allowed his phone in his room, just not when he actually goes to sleep as he was waking in the night and then going on it for 4 hours. He is often until midnight and had his phone with him right up until going to sleep. It really wasn't a big issue , I just mentioned it as one of our basic 'rules'.

@BarbedBloom
Yes absolutely, I think blended families and divided loyalties are really difficult for children. And my ex and I have always been civil. It just cuts very deep that I've always been his stability and my ex has always been the one who let him down, but look where it got me!

I don't mean to pander again but seeing the job issue made me think

I know parents do it differently but my partners parents made him get a job at 16 straight away. It meant he wasn't able to further is education because they wanted rent payments from him and he has been resentful for it ever since. Money issues could be in it but they did come from a middle class family.
I came from a working class family where my single mother didn't want to take a penny off me until I finished education. That was always her focus for us and even though she struggled she never once pushed us to that

So what is he supposed to do? He doesn't want to try in school and he doesn't want to work? So should OP just let him rot?

@willithappen
I'm not and never planned to ask for rent or money from him. But he was rotting in his bedroom. He refused to work for school, literally refused. He was then refusing to do actual work to earn money. It's been a massive worry. All he wanted to do was Xbox or hang out when his friends were not working (all have paper rounds or Saturday jobs).

@AskingforaBaskin
It seems I can't win

I just find it very odd that you would argue with your DS to the extent of ruining the relationship about not him not wanting to get a job while he's at school.

The vast majority of 16 year olds do not have jobs. Indeed, I was very keen that my DC not get jobs while they're still in education. The way I see it is that it is mine and DH's responsibility to provide for them while they're studying.

@SkyscraperStreets
It wasn't that at all. He refused to work at school, he was predicted 1s and 2s. He had no motivation at all. I hoped a job would motivate him to earn some money. It didn't. That's not why our relationship is 'ruined'. But wow, thanks for the support

Hi OP,

You are trying your best and have good intentions. But your son is at an age where he needs to learn how to have boundaries for himself. You've done all you can do: you didn't allow his phone in the bedroom when he was a child, you don't have a phone in the bedroom at night yourself; if he hasn't got the message yet and wants to stay up all night on his phone, let him suffer the consequences.

He wants to be on his phone over dinner? That's fine, but he has to go somewhere else to do it; the rule about no phones at the table stands, but you're also not forcing him to be present. Give it time and he will choose for himself to come and chat to you over dinner more often.

He doesn't want to tidy up his room before going to bed? Honestly I wouldn't either! He has some dominion over his own space and can choose to do that. Set some reasonable ground rules - no dirty plates/mugs, give it an airing every day - and then leave him to it.

I am sure he will come back to you. But you now have to act very tolerant and beatific, even if you don't feel like it. Instead of chastising him for not asking about his family, respond kindly. Ask him how things are there. And I absolutely would continue to pay for his phone - the symbolic gesture of cutting him off would seem petty and would probably hurt his feelings, even if he didn't express that. He's still your son even if he's living somewhere else, continue to pay for his phone contract.

Likewise don't reallocate the bedrooms but you could let your other children use it as a play/study room (depending on age) until it becomes clear how long-term this move will be.

I would also suggest getting counselling for yourself; you've said several times that it worries you how like his dad he is. But none of us are 'just like' our parents, we are our own people, and I wonder if the dynamic you have entered into with your son replicates one that you had with your husband, only this time you feel like you ought to be able to 'fix' it. Please go and talk to someone and get some non-judgemental help with your own feelings so you can do what you can towards having the kind of relationship you hope to have with your son.

@tussellou
Thank you, what a helpful post. Just going to digest it and then will reply properly.

We've been chatting again tonight and he's just said 'I love you Mum'. Oh please let this be the start of things improving

Your update just brought a tear to my eye, how lovely.

Excellent post by tussell

Wow! That’s huge to get an “I love you!”. It was quick too.
I hope you feel very reassured. I’m so pleased for you.

Maybe the distance actually will be the making of you two .

I think this is going to be ok OP. He will either come back or this will be the start of him being more independent and a more equal relationship between you two

Has the novelty at his DF's worn off yet?

I haven’t seen my now 16 yo son for 4 months now. I’ve seen him less than 5 times since he left home last August to live with his Dad. We didn’t have a row. I was away and instead of being at his dads, because he offers him so much freedom, basically he didn’t know or care where he was, he spent two weekends with 50 teenagers partying in and destroying my home. He hasn’t been back. My ex and his gf won’t communicate with me and have wrapped their arms around him. They treat me like I am the one who did wrong. It’s their guilt I know but they refused to take any responsibility. Despite my efforts, mediation, etc I have got nowhere. He lives a mile away. My other son still goes between our houses and will not discuss the issue. He says it’s not his problem and it isn’t. I am bereft and you’re right. The feeling is like grief but worse as you’re living in limbo.

I did that and then realised I was cutting off all means of communication. It made no difference, he doesn’t communicate but, I know he can if he needs to and that’s important to me even if he doesn’t care.

Hi @whatisthepoint202200,

I am currently going through this shit show with my 16 year old son. I can so relate to the comparison to grieving and the sick feeling it brings with it. How did things pan out for you with this situation??