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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

479 replies

Pegsinarow · 07/02/2020 15:35

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly! Confused
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

OP posts:
vjg13 · 07/03/2020 08:32

I have had lots of 'I hate you' this week after months of calm and much better behaviour. It was triggered by a row over missing a train for a UCAS fair! Then 3 days of silent treatment from her! I do try to remain consistent and calm but it does get to me and is upsetting.

We also have a very stressful situation ongoing relating to my disabled daughter and social care funding which is stopping me sleeping. I am trying to focus on self care, dog walks, running etc and that does help a bit.

auberginesrus · 09/03/2020 21:55

Sustaining thoughts to you all. We are also fairly strict on phone time, not allowing phone in room overnight etc, although that relaxed as he got older. It was a constant source of rows when he was 14, we were terrible parents etc. He said the other day that he had to fight for every bit of freedom he has Hmm. If anything we're even stricter with the younger one.

Things still very up and down here both for ds and me - he's got a gp appointment tomorrow to talk about his MH issues and I've got to the point where I need to go and talk about my low mood and anxiety. Doesn't help that I'm also peri-menopausal Sad. Clinging on to the end of that rope!

NutCutlet101 · 10/03/2020 18:41

Meltdown central here. Nothing much to say. DS totally defensive about everything (schoolwork issues incl). He will not allow any kind of meaningful conversation whatsoever. It's all I hate you I hate you I hate you. (I know that's a safety valve and we – the parents – have to be strong enough to contain it for him but, bloody hell, it's like a force ten gale in your face all the time.) Feeling sad and anxious and exhausted. (Actually, after he behaved really horribly on Sunday, I cut off his access to Netflix and the TV with the clear injunction that he needs to stop with the bombastic meanness towards us. He was actually quite nice yesterday. But that was then.) Is he depressed? Is it just hormones? Flailing around figuring out how to help him.

WhatHaveIFound · 11/03/2020 09:03

Joining you all having just had a quiet cry in the bathroom whilst waiting to take my DD to a doctor's appointment at 10am.

She's has had on/off mental health problems for the last 4 years but we've just hit crisis point. I don't know if it's the stress of A Levels that's finally got too much as last night we hit a new low.

I'm not sure what the doctors will do. She's had some counselling for low self esteem and is due to start some more soon. It doesn't seem to be working so far. I guess 18 is a tricky age. Will she be treated as a child or an adult?

billybagpuss · 11/03/2020 14:46

Hi @WhatHaveIFound 18 is a very difficult age to access anything, a friend had a nightmare with her ds and the transition between youth services and adult MH services was atrocious. I hope it’s improved since then for you but if you can try and work out your options beforehand and be prepared to push for it if necessary 💐

WhatHaveIFound · 11/03/2020 16:01

Thanks billybagpuss.

Feel so embarassed that I was the one who broke down in tears during her doctors appointment this morning because i'm trying to be strong for her but it all got too much when she admitted that the only thing stopping her from harming herself was the thought of upseting me Sad

The doctor finally prescribed antidepressants (Sertraline) and whilst I know that's not a cure in itself but it might help in the short/medium term. She's going to stick with the counselling too (we're lucky to have a drop in service for up to 25 year olds nearby).

So i'm feeling brighter than this morning but still slightly tearful and we have a school event tonight to get through.

billybagpuss · 13/03/2020 06:58

Hi @WhatHaveIFound how is she getting on with the AD? Keep an eye on her with sertraline the side effects can be brutal.

Also don’t ever feel embarrassed about showing emotion that is the main reason this thread has carried on, it’s hard raising a teen and you see all your friends with their perfect teens and think it must just be you and it’s honestly like being in an abusive relationship sometimes. You should be very proud that she said what she did. 💐

Scruffyoak · 13/03/2020 07:03

Please can I join in?
Really struggling with my teenagers :(

WhatHaveIFound · 13/03/2020 08:03

Thanks for your kind words @billybagpuss. The ADs are making her feel sick but she's getting through it by eating dry toast. On the outside she seems quite normal & happy at the moment and we even managed to go out to a gig last night (tickets bought months ago). We both had a good sing along and life seemed ok for a while.

billybagpuss · 13/03/2020 08:25

Of course @Scruffyoak, it’s a good safe place to rant away from the ‘turn the WiFi off’ brigade on AIBU hope you have a good day.

@what that sounds a fab night, it’s always good to lift the spirits, from experience though try and go out for a while today to keep the happy mood at the forefront of everyone’s mind, things like that wipes them out and mine could be foul the day after 💐

Wowzersindeed · 13/03/2020 08:47

Hi @Scruffyoak, this thread is brilliant - always supportive and kind, nobody is judgemental and (for me at least) it’s a good way to feel a bit less alone. I rant on it sometimes, other times I just read - it all helps.

MrsCarolBrady · 14/03/2020 12:32

Long time lurker finally joined MN so I can ask for your support on this thread. And thank you all for posting and being honest so I have not felt so alone in this.

billybagpuss · 14/03/2020 12:34

Hope you’re ok @Mrscarol

MrsCarolBrady · 14/03/2020 12:54

I have a 17 DD making some very poor choices. She is involved with a very manipulative and toxic bf who is supporting her in this. I feel totally at a loss as to how to help her.

MrsCarolBrady · 14/03/2020 12:55

And thank you I am ok, just. Holding onto that damed rope.

billybagpuss · 14/03/2020 13:24

It’s so hard, they honestly think they know everything at that point, are you getting grief every time you try and say anything?

MrsCarolBrady · 14/03/2020 13:26

All the time. And everything is my fault obviously.

billybagpuss · 14/03/2020 13:34

17 was probably the height of the problems with my dd, pick your battles carefully, I let so much go as it’s not worth it (still do tbh) try and concentrate on you, save your mum wisdom for when she’s actually open to it.💐

MrsCarolBrady · 14/03/2020 19:10

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

MrsCarolBrady · 14/03/2020 20:38

Can anyone give me advice on handling the toxic bf situation. The last thing I want to do is make a forbidden treat, but not sure how to handle this. SHe's been sneaking out to meet him and he seems to have a real emotional hold on her. Our family find him intolerable- rude, dishonest- and her friends all hate him. Any advice on how not to screw this up further would be appreciated.

billybagpuss · 15/03/2020 04:22

This is a really difficult one, I think you probably just have to concentrate on keeping a good relationship as possible at home and hope that it passes. What is she doing with regards school, work etc

Aramox · 15/03/2020 18:08

If only a world crisis made our teens more liveable with! I spent too much time today ridiculously trying to persuade mine to have his hair cut for the first time since November, in case of lockdown. No dice. So unreasonable! It’s hard to know how much news is getting through to them, social media is so warped. How’s the rest doing?

billybagpuss · 22/03/2020 13:53

Just wanting to wish everyone all the best for the coming few weeks, being locked up With our teens, just what we all want 😳

auberginesrus · 22/03/2020 17:05

Mine is actually being more pleasant than I would ever have expected. Let's hope a world crisis makes them appreciate us more! Happy mother's Day all

GettingRopeBurns · 23/03/2020 00:02

Sorry all I’ve been awol for recent threads but I just needed a break from it all for a bit.

Do you remember me? Hope it’s ok to pop in and ask for your help.

Anyway dd ended up moving out and she’s only been in touch since if she wants money! Which is both hurtful and infuriating especially cos she has a higher income than me and cheaper rent! She’s promised to pay back but hasn’t and doesn’t answer my messages when she knows she owes me money even when they’re not about that. (I’m not chasing her for it) I haven’t seen her since Christmas and today I didn’t even get a card, instead she asked me for my best friends number (who she hasn’t seen or spoken to in several years, she lives other end of country now).

I’m hurt and angry and don’t want to give her the number for several reasons

Friend is wfh as is her whole family because they have her husbands elderly mum to consider who my friend helps look after so friend has enough on her plate at the moment

I have a horrible feeling the reason she’s asked is so she can work up to borrowing money off friend too, friend is quite well off which dd knows.

I’m also worried dd might give her a tale of what happened last year that led to her moving out that might mean friend thinks badly of me that’s probably a silly reason but it is playing on my mind. She tried this with another friend and at first it worked and that friend stopped speaking to me for a few months then another mutual friend saw her and filled her in with loads dd hadn’t told her and basically said my side of things and she realised dd hadn’t been very honest with her.

I’m so sad because dd and I had such a good, close honest relationship before all this happened and I feel like I’m losing her.