Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

Billybagpuss love the scuba diving solution! .

@billybagpuss

Exactly! It gets to a point where she's just going round and round on the same theme about we don't love/care about her and no response will be the right one!

I'm looking into private counselling but DD also does a VERY expensive sport/hobby that literally takes all of our money and free time (but we still don't care about her!) But that limits me to what I can afford to pay for a private therapist. She's on the waiting list through her sixth form for private counselling after breaking down to her form tutor; she told him DH and I are emotionally abusive, which couldn't be further from the truth! Makes me sad that the professionals she speaks to have this impression of us and we can't give our side, or it looks like trying to cover up or as she says that we're gaslighting her 😔

Sorry Sandybigballs

Oh no sorry again , meant Bigsandyballs!!!
(Typing posted with me hand, while filing with other.)

Gah I give up!
That was meant to be "typing posts with one hand"

Captainblackadder hopefully an experienced professional will have the wisdom to read between the lines and understand that although what your dd is saying may be heartfelt by her, its not necessarily the objective truth.

Welcome Blackadder

CaptainBlackadder - I think there is a secret class at school for teen girls where they get taught all of these phrases - you don't love me, you don't understand etc!

Pegs - the school are sooo rubbish about phones - they just keep sending blanket email messages telling parents to tell their children not to use them in class - totally missing the point that we aren't the ones there in the class and they are - they just need a robust policy and to follow it through. Parents have suggested things like boxes at the front of class, or phone free days etc but they just don't seem to be willing to actually do anything.

BillyBagpuss - we get that 'why are you giving me a dirty look?' sort of comment. No, I'm just wearing a blank mask to hide the fact that inside I am telling you to "f the f off" One of these days I'm going to get caught giving her the v's and mouthing f-off as she storms off upstairs having slammed the door to within a sliver of the glass shattering. God I hate the fact that I do that.

Just seen on the school facebook page last night a photo of my dd with the girl that hit her last year when the school are meant to be keeping them apart.
My dd said she was not happy about it but for me not to do anything to make it worse she said its not affecting you.
I said it is actually im the one worrying about you and have been put on blood pressure tablets for life since it happened and also on AD for now,
Even when our teens can get over something someone there own age does could you imagine if I had off pulled her hair and slapped her and videoed it and posted on social media bet she wouldn't be as quick to forgive me.

Sorry to hear that McMen it must be v upsetting for you both. Is it worth having a word with the school to get them to repeat their assurances? It doesn't exactly inspire confidence does it.

Teentrauma I had to cackle at your "internal dialogue"!. Very similar scenario here. Talk about testing our patience. I"m usually thinking something along the lines of "honestly, wait until you find yourself in the real world and you may begin to realise how privileged and pampered your life is now" in response to another "woe is me, life is so hard" rant from her because I have asked her to pick a wet towel up off the floor or similar! And if I try and get my point across out loud (obviously with more diplomatic phrasing) I am then accused of "not respecting her feelings". and yes, my facial expressions are all wrong as well, as is my voice, the way I cough, and the way I breathe ... .

Forgot to say Teentrauma in my (admittedly fairly limited) experience it always works better in disputes over phones, uniform, behaviour, attendance etc etc if the school and parents form a team and work together .. .

I'm so tired of Groundhog Day. 17yr old ds gets up after lunchtime, if I want him up earlier for any reason he complains. He's doing nothing. Won't even walk the dog .
He's not rude or abusive thankfully but it's the lack of fire in his belly. No desire for anything. I feel like he's lost or abandoned as there seems to be little to no option for him. ( I know there's plenty of options and opportunities but he can't see it).
I'm exhausted with it all.
Sorry just having a winge today.

@Mairyhinge is there open days at college he could go to or get a part time job.
I was going to take my dd to an open night in a college tonight and then she sent me a message to say school was letting them out to go so she went with school she probably show more interest when with her friends.

@mcmen05 he won't go to college. Absolute point blank refusal. Has a part time job (3.5 hours on a Friday tea time!!).
He won't do an apprenticeship as that involves college!
Wants to earn money but won't get a job.
Is clinging onto an appeal for the RAF as they turned him down on medical grounds - but I keep telling him they can say no and that's that!

Mairy - Groundhog Day here too

Another weekend and the threat of running away and killing herself because I gave out to her for not letting me or dh see who she was with. She thinks we should just know a name and believe her. But she constantly lies.
Her report for mock GCSE came yesterday and she failed 7 out of 10 subjects and is adamant she will do 4 A levels I want her to look at other options also but I'm just a terrible person that I have no faith in her. I have tried so much to help her she knows it all like can sit on snapchat while studying.
I don't even know if she will be at work when go to collect her at 5 to bring her to a show she is in tonight and even in Drama she scored a 1 in her mock and she does it outside off school for 7 years
I am at a total loss as what to do. I lay on top off her bed to 3am freezing without a blanket as she held hers tight as didn't want me in but I was afraid she would run away. Hoping the storm puts her off.

Tried to post this three times so hope this one works ...

Just wanted to say sorry this is still ongoing McMen ; it sounds hellish for you both.

Sorry if you have mentioned this before but are you able to access any sort of counselling for her? Or for you both? What do you think lies at the root of her rebellion? Have you tried a more "hands off" approach and of so, what happened? (Obviously don't feel you have to answer any of this!)

@Pegsinarow she says it's me I need to let her be a normal teenager and I do really try.

She was at work and I left her to the show.
I just hate her been at river where teenagers drink she denied being there but that's where her location on snapchat showed and she smelled off drink.
Went mad when I asked to look at her phone.
I will have to step back
How is everyone else

I don't know McMen your concern is totally understandable. If I found my DD had lied and was out drinking somewhere potentially unsafe, I definitely would not sit back and give her more freedom. You have to trust them at some point but it's a really difficult one. Sorry, that's not much help at all.

I'm old-fashioned and don't necessarily think drinking is "normal" for teens if it is to excess. So much of this is about luck and the kind of crowd your child ends up mixing with etc. It's very hard for parents when you can't control external influences.

Just a little post of hope, to say - Hang in there guys you are doing brilliantly under incredibly difficult and exhausting circumstances. Here’s a quick summary of my DD story.
Year 11 - School refusal, anxiety, couldn’t leave the house for a month, wouldn’t work/revise/engage. Got back to school end Feb and passed 8 GCSEs. For those of you struggling to get them to revise - they usually do better at the real thing than the mocks, some sort of panic does eventually set in as exams loom and they usually do at least a bit of work, the school usually does a lot of revision with them.
Sixth Form - depression, drinking, drugs, drug dealing boyfriend, never home - lowest years for us. Advice? Keep the lines of communication open. Don’t cut them off. Talk openly about addiction if they’re going down that road. Yelling and arguing just pushed her away into the arms of the bf and unsuitable crowd. Staying on good terms meant she cane to me when it all went wrong.
By some miracle she got three low grade A-levels and got to Uni.
Things picked up from there, though there were still plenty of lows with MH and bad bf choices. But she grew up lots and matured, learnt slowly how to deal with things herself.
Now (age 21) - yep, still sometimes struggles with MH and relationships, but a much stronger person and has found her ‘thing’ in the world of work.
It’s a really hard journey, I feel your pain as I remember it so well. But keep doing what you’re doing, and look after yourselves. Disengage emotionally a little now and then. I did a lot of ‘what’s the worst that can happen? She fails her exams? So what - lots of people do. There are other options etc etc’.
Good luck!

@Peebles1 nice post but don't think I can do this.

My dd1 was going run away on Sunday in her pjs and books under her arms as I said no point in going to school at all if you not studying, tell your work you available full time instead.
So she decided she was running away. It was storm Denis so she picked a bad day. Sent dh after her.
She did absolutely no study over weekend after failing 7/10 Mocks. She says its only a bit of paper and I know she is right but it affects her future. She really wants to do A Levels. Think Ive talked her into only aiming for 3 instead of 4 and really concentrate on them for GCSE.
Did a bit art yesterday and for rest of week has show rehersals and work during mid term. So no Study will be done.
On my way into work there was a homeless man lying at doorway. I went to check on him and he was not much older than my dd1 took a photo and sent to her. I really did not know how to help this young person as if I give him money it will happen every day. My heart really goes out to homeless people. I don't want this for my kids. I want them to study and be happy.

You've got this @mcmen05 - you sound like such a lovely, caring mum and I'm so sorry to hear your DD has tried to run away. In that weather too, it was wild. You must've been so worried for her. Thank goodness she's home safe. My stepdad always says you can't put an old head on young shoulders. When I was young I thought he was full of shit, but now I'm a parent to a teen I realise how very true it is. We just want the best for them, and it's so frustrating when they make bad choices and make things difficult over and over. I guess that's how they learn though - some just have to learn the hard way.

I imagine the journey to adulthood as being like having to navigate through a forest. Some will stick to the path, and be content to observe the wildlife from a safe distance, others (like my DD) are crashing through the undergrowth, and experiencing every difficulty up close and personal. They'll all get there in the end though. I'm so grateful to PP's like @billybagpuss and @Peebles1 for sharing their experiences - thank you ladies I'm battling to hold on to that rope just now, and hearing how your teens have flourished, despite taking unconventional paths, and you are now also healing from the teen battle wounds, gives me much-needed hope for the future

Feeling pretty grim.
DS16, GCSE year. He could achieve so much if he would do some work. Complains he's bored, but I know he will be in trouble for work not done when school starts back.
He is so similar to his dad, they clash horribly. I try to let them sort their differences themselves, but have to referee often.
Teeth - huge problem. I don't think he'll have any by the time he's 20. Lies about having brushed them. He told me he hates brushing them - I don't see how anyone can enjoy having a gunky mouth.
Medicines - can't take tablets, hates taste of medicine. Got away with it till now.
I wish I could be one of those women who exude power and confidence - who men/people do not question.
I feel I have failed as a mum. I don't always feel like that but today I do.
I am just so flipping exhausted by it all.

Fwiw, Mumtooneboy, I know several mums who are very self-confident as you describe; one runs her own communications company, one is a head-teacher and one is a senior accountant. They all have at least one teen who have issues, just the same as those of us who are second guessing ourselves all the time.

A bit of parental self-doubt is no bad thing I think as it makes you question and review your actions. You haven't failed. He just needs to make his own mistakes in his own time. And it is exhausting to witness.

McMen I agree with Staywithmemyblood you sound so caring and put so much energy in to your parenting, and it sounds as if you are getting scant appreciation for your efforts at the moment. Even when you are arguing though, it will filter through to your DD that you care and that will make all the difference in the long run.

Lovely post Peebles and so good to hear. Great that you and your DD have come out stronger on the other side! . Also really brilliant that she has found her "thing"!

Love the forest analogy Staywithmemyblood!

Things are very up and down here ATM.

"When she's good, she's very very good
And when she's bad, she's horrid!"

Is that Hillaire Belloc? Can't remember!

Love it! @Pegsinarow - I often think of that nursery rhyme in relation to my DD. I've just googled it, and apparently there's a second verse -

"Then one day that little girl
Brushed away that little curl
Away from the middle of her forehead
And now she is good
She is very, very good
And nobody thinks she is horrid!"

More evidence that this will pass 🤞so hang on in there PoTs (I'm sure it applies for boys too) 👫