Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

Thanks pegs would love to hear your points so please feel free to pm me. I removed my posts as do worry online about being too outing!after a stressful 15 mins or so this morning had a bit of positivity today but still very early days!

Hi, l have been following this thread for months now and have only just plucked up the courage to join now! My DD 14 has been self harming
for months, if not a year. She has also attempted to take overdoses.She is refusing to go to school, but somehow l manage to get her in. She has taken the odd day off school and has been able to leave school early, with their permission, for the time being. I am at my wits end. Talking to different agencies, going to the doctors, hospital and talking to various people on this matter. I have tried to get a Camhs appointment but have been refused about 3 times! She needs help, l know the nhs is strapped for cash, but where does that leave us, with children with mental health problems? It’s tearing the whole family apart. I have been trying to look at private consultations to get an assessment for her to see, what is the problem? Just feel ashamed, embarrassed and feeling like a rubbish parent! I just can’t cope with the behaviour, the rudeness, swearing, shouting and everything being my fault all the time! Sorry fir the rant. I do have people in rl who l can talk too, but it’s nice to hear from other people in the same boat as you!

That Is hard @Dontjudgeme101. Do school have counselling? Will she see a private one? There’s a Facebook group called Not Fine in School I believe is good.
You aren’t a rubbish parent. This is her action and you can’t fix it, all you can do is help her find a way through. So hard. And also hard being yelled at and hated all the time. The only way through that in my experience is keeping on being positive and hands off. Rudeness/ swearing- leave her to it. Maybe GP might have a private recommendation?

Thank you@Aramox, She is been seen by the pastoral team at her school.l have spoken to them on many occasions about her self harming etc.. She has been attending meetings with a youth worker and hopefully soon, she should be attending weekly meetings with her. Although my DD is saying that they are not helpful. She feels that school is not the environment for her and that she needs to be at home. I can’t homeschool, l have told her that.She says she can’t cope and home is where she feels safe. The Doctor is brilliant and will write referrals to camhs, but they keep getting rejected!I don’t do Facebook, is there any other way, l could get that information about not being fine in school? Thank you for listening to me. How are you ?

Hi @Dontjudgeme101 hang in there you’re doing everything you can.

It’s not cheap but are you in the position to be able to pay for a private gp appointment, they cost about £100 around here, but you get half an hour of someone not trying to hustle you out after 8 minutes, they should then be able to recommend private counselling.

I’ve already had a deleted post, at my request as it wasn’t my story to tell, but a friend has been in your position y11 was awful for her and it has to be so bad before she got any help through the nhs. He is now 21 and doing so much better.

Can I join? I've two teens age 14 and almost 16 and I'm utterly exhausted.
My son almost 16 (July baby so year 11) has ups and downs and sometimes I see the light, but when we argue it's so much worse, possibly because I know he can be nice but also because he's much bigger than me, stands over me and I find it intimidating. He pushed me a few weeks ago, it all kicked off yesterday because he grabbed and pulled one of our dogs.
Then there's my daughter who was once a ray of sunshine and now hates everything, constant friend drama, cutting off friendships with nice girls and don't get me started on chasing boy's. I took her and her mates out Friday, paid for activity and food, no thank yous from any and they sat in the car complaining about their shit families - one regularly took her bf on holiday (at 14!!!!) And as they've split up can pick a friend to go to Portugal, which is unfair because how can she only pick 1.
I really wanted to tell her how bloody lucky she is to be going on holiday let alone being able to take a friend.
I'm fed up with the arguments, self loathing, pulling each other down

Hi @billybagpuss, thank you for that information regarding private gp appointment, l will look into that. I am trying really hard to keep sane. I am dreading later, because tomorrow, it’s the first day back at school after half term! My DD will say, l can’t cope being at school,l am not safe being there. Should l be making her go or should l let her stay at home? I have been told by talking to people on Mental Help Lines, School ,that it is better for her to be in school. It is do hard parenting a teenager. Babies are easier in comparison.

@billybagpuss, l am so glad that your friends DS came out the other side. I really hope the same happens for my DD.

Hi @AmlAWeed, That sounds exhausting. I have 2 DC, so l totally understand, your situation. They know that as parents, we give them unconditional love.They can treat us appallingly and we will always be there for them. It doesn’t mean, that it doesn’t hurt our feelings. I hope that you have help in rl life. I love this thread, as it’s nice to see, that your not the only parent dealing with this type of behaviour.

@dontjudge I think you should try and keep her going but be realistic if some days it doesn’t happen. When DD was in year 12 it was awful and she’d come down, throw her shoes off and say she’s not going, so she’d nap in the morning but then work independently in the afternoon, it wasn’t great and we ended up repeating year 12 elsewhere, but it was what she needed to do to get through that day. Always go for the school as a non negotiable 1st option then negotiate down if necessary. You know tomorrow will be difficult so acknowledge that with her and try and work to get strategies in place, so today she needs to go in, get the work then home and nap this evening. Get Day 1 out of the way.

In the longer term you could do with finding some activities that distract her away from school, open water swimming is great for mental health, or could you maybe learn a skill together to use over the summer holiday. Something that gives her a focus to look forward to.

@AmIAWeed, it is truly exhausting, to keep your sanity do practice the skill of walking away and not engaging with the negativity. I didn’t for a long time and it breaks you. 💐

@ billybagpuss, Thanks for those suggestions, they are really practical. I can’t think straight at the moment. You have given me a plan of action. I need to toughen up a bit.Its good to hear about parents who have managed to deal with situation and come out the other side. Onwards and upwards!

@billybagpuss thank you, I am bad at walking away. He is very much like his biological Dad and creates and creates until you engage and he can scream and shout. My husband, his step dad walks away leaving me with him. Yesterday he was clearly on one and the dog was the final straw so I said I wasn't going out as I wasn't leaving him alone with them, by this point husband and daughter had walked out the door. Husband finally comes in - his response to son ' I told you earlier to back off because then I get it in the neck' so not only had I just rowed with my son I was totally unsupported by him, who just kept repeating I didn't see anything, no of course you didn't because you fucking walk away. I'm still mad, but tired and it's my daughter's birthday so now we get to skip round town and act all happy. It's a constant act until the next thing.

I have signed up to an evening class just for me so that certainly helps - its a little scary how much I enjoy escaping once a week.

I'm resenting them and I don't want to

I’m trying to keep the family going, but ds is determined he is not in it- no time with us except meals and arguing about homework. His latest line is You can’t make me, you have no power. It’s true! I can’t ground him, he will walk out. Limiting his phone is infantilising and enrages him. But his insistence that he can do exactly as he likes seems really wrong at just 14.

@Aramox, l totally get this. Your doing the right things with your son. Teenagers are very hard to handle at times. It good that you have control of his phone. They love their phones, my DD is attached to hers too. It’s a control thing in these situations. They like to control us, so they get what they want.

Just need to vent as today I feel like I hate my daughter and I hate myself for thinking it. She's rude, unkind, selfish, thoughtless and deceitful. She lies constantly. I took her and a friend to a party and she was meant to be staying at her friend 's house (I know the family). Turns out she stayed somewhere else completely and lied about it. I have previously found cigarettes, lighters, cannabis and an empty bottle of vodka in her room. She took my clothes, jewellery and bag, went to a party and came back with a love bite. She sent offensive and bullying Snap chat messages about a girl at school and I was confronted by the girl's angry, aggressive parents. My daughter didn't care. She went to her friend's house while the parents were away and they trashed the place with pizza boxes, spiit drink and cigarettes/joints in the ashtray. The mother phoned to tell me and she was furious with me and my daughter. She ignored by recent landmark birthday. Just flat out ignored it. School is a nightmare, she is rude to every teacher, constantly in detention and does no work.

I feel a complete failure as a parent. I do not know what to say to her anymore. I truly think if I died tomorrow she would only be concerned about who would cook her dinner that night. I'm afraid I've raised a spoilt, unkind nightmare. I'm afraid as to what kind of adult she will be. I'm devastated that all the love and closeness and tender moments we shared have all come to nothing. Sorry to everyone here whose children are suffering mental health issues. Life with a teenager seems so harsh and hopeless and unrelenting. I worry about how far she will push things. I worry that she is lonely without me but too proud to reach out. I'm lost, utterly lost.

dayswithaY I’m sorry what’s happening with your dd, my dd has been bullied by a girl who has behaving a bit like your dd and if it’s any consolation, I know it’s not her parents fault and really feel for them. What the answer is I’m afraid I don’t know, but I totally get it. Do you think counselling would help?

I’ve just had a huge row with my dd and feel I don’t like her very much either, all because I downloaded Instagram on my phone and logged into her account - it used to be mine and the passwords are still in my iPhone! I only wanted to copy some photos, but apparently I’ve invaded her privacy etc etc and how that makes her feel I’m checking up on her and don’t trust her. I was actually going to set up my own account to copy them, but it was easy to use the touch login that was still there and do it which came up when it downloaded.

DDs 15 and not so long ago we found she was messaging some one she didn’t know and revealing all sorts of stuff, so we used to check her phone, but not for the last few months. What’s worse is she’s having counselling for the bullying (we had to move schools) and I know she’ll be saying how abusive and controlling we are etc and we have no right of reply! I think someone else said this previously, it feels a bit one sided, especially as she has a tendency to see things that aren’t there!

So now I feel crap, she feels crap and her Dad is ranting about stopping all pocket money, banning the phone and not taking her to any of her after school activities. So now as well as being a member of the Crap Club, I feel like the UN!

I’m just so fed up with it, I want to get in the car and leave them all to it, but I expect that would then mess her up even more, so more guilt on me.

Hello everyone - as a serial ‘lurker’ I haven’t posted for a while (tbh because I feel ashamed of being such a failure. I often start to type a post and then realize how crap I sound, so I give up). I am grateful that you are all so honest. Currently I’m sitting in bed at 11.55pm on Sunday (school tomorrow) trying to calm down after meltdown from elder DD (16). Full volume screaming for last hour, with everything from threatening us with physical violence to saying suicide would be a good option. DH took her side initially so we also fell out and he has now walked out, though we are communicating via text at least. Younger DD in tears, I have given her a hug and apologized that she has to endure this. It’s very bleak. Sorry everyone - I know you’re all also dealing with difficult times. Thanks for your posts. I just try to get through a day at a time at the moment.

Hi @Wowzersindeed, Sorry to hear that. My DD is the same having anxiety about going to school today.You have nothing to be ashamed about. It’s hard for all the family to deal this. I am glad you DH are on the same page, regarding your DD.Your right, to take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Maybe try having a relaxing bath or just going for a walk to clear your head.You are doing an amazing job.We have to be positive. I know it’s hard but we will get there in the end!

Hi sorry to all for your troubles. I just got a load of verbal abuse for daring to remind my daughter of the time so she doesn't miss her bus. The look of hatred and contempt on her face was ridiculous, such an over reaction. I tried to stay calm, I didn't bite back. Tonight I'll try to be robotic in my responses before she slams her bedroom door. It's hard to feel so hated all the time.

Calmonthesurfacebut thanks for your words, I'm truly ashamed that my daughter is a bully. I had to read the words she posted on Snapchat about another girl, that was hard. Bullies made my life hell at 15, now I've raised one? I'm sorry your daughter went through the same.

Half term is over :)

@Wowzersindeed I could have written your post DD is 12 and has anxiety related to autism which makes life so hard sometimes. And DS is 15 and feeling very left out by us as we've focused on DD. As a family we have been pushed to the edge and DH and I have been arguing much more - to the point of either me or DH walking out to get a break.

Things are relatively peaceful just now (we had half term a couple of weeks ago so last week was our time of not wanting to go to school).

It's good to know I'm not alone, although I feel bad for us all going through this.

@Aramox at least school gets them out of bed.
@DayswithaY hand hold to you I can not stand lies. Me and dd1 have lots of arguments about lies. and like you dd2 gets upset.
Dd2 was 15 yesterday and she begged us all week don't argue on my birthday. Dd1 16 tried to push it a few times but I didn't react.
She really pissed me off at 10.30 putting on sausages to eat and everyone in bed except her and her dad. She was in kitchen watching love island and starting cooking. She knows I hate the smell of food cooking when i'm in bed and she is complaining of sore stomach all week because off unhealth diet she has eating out all the time.
I pretended I was asleep when she was go to bed so not to row with her then she starts the snaps about me been such a bad mum because I wouldn't say goodnight.

I’m glad that school starts back today! DD thank goodness went to school, but not without having a min melt-down! It’s lovely to have this thread to sound off too. l have had texts off her at school, saying she can’t cope and that she can’t possible go into school tomorrow! I know, take one day at time. I have to keep chanting it to myself.Just want to curl up in bed and put the duvet over my head and sleep!