Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

Without knowing more I suggest there are three areas you could look at whilst awaiting CAMHS assessment. One is, is there a consistent trigger, if so could you as parents mitigate or adapt it? Though the goalposts may just then change, I appreciate. But sometimes it can be just transition fir example, where if you put in early notice of something changing they can then cope better. Second is, does she have remorse and can reflect later? Very important to de escalate than her be just left with the toxic power of having traumatised you. It’s hard. You will find this thread a huge support. I love knowing there are supportive ears out there.

Oh I missed out my third area which is pick your battles, don’t have high standards and expect too much which will then allow you to reframe a non-extreme row as a bearable one. You aren’t losing your standards and values for ever of course, you’re just adapting them to suit her needs at the moment until CAMHS shed more light.

Thanks for that @Plumbuddle - yes there is remorse afterwards, although no empathy if that makes any sense. Always the same cycle, an apology, calm for a few days, and then the swearing starts.

Small comfort I know but we always say feigned remorse is better than nothing. At least then they know how to behave outside the home. One trick is to see them as if they r eleven years younger. The rest of the world doesn't of course. And another is - at the point of examining what they've done - to ask them in a non accusatorial way what they think is wrong about their behaviour. Then get them to list, and own, the negative impacts. Not in a creepy passive aggressive parental way but it does actually genuinely shed light for you as to where they r at in their understanding of empathy.

I think remorse is a good sign. I'm not able to get any here except simulated, though I suppose that's better than nothing. Mine will never admit anything wrong in his behaviour either. Reflection is anathema! I think there is a charity that helps with adolescent to parent violence - can anyone else remember? Are you thinking ODD or similar? I've interpreted the anger I see a lot here as anxiety and low level depression, but there seems no chance to engage in conversation about it. Not to blame screens, but what's the screen use like?

So the ball is rolling on CAHMs now. Spoke to our GP and she is going to refer us. I am relieved that she was supportive and we didn't have to fight for help. Also doing a food diary to see if there is a trigger for her tiredness and stomach pains or whether its all connected to her anxiety and panic attacks. I feel very tired whilst also trying to get on with normal life. Just taking each day at a time. I hope everyone else is doing well and managing to find some time to rest and heal.

For the tiredness and stomach pains @whysotriggered, I would definitely get her bloods done. I and DS22 both felt really tired and dizzy during his AS levels and I just thought it was all the stress until, I can't remember why, think it was routine other tests, I had a test for B12 and turned out to be massively below the right level. As did DS22, and DS17 at same time was very below for Vit d. There are some vitamin deficiencies such as B12 and C which really do leave you very exhausted, and likewise other issues that are easily treated like thyroid. Get the doc to give her a onceover too, don't just put it down to psychosomatic stuff.

The great thing with B12 I remember is that you just get some injections and feel like a million dollars immediately. That deficiency happens usually with a veggie diet with insufficient protein but some people have the condition genetically.

So glad to find this support thread.

Was starting to feel like I was the only person going through such a difficult time with my DD. All my friend mums seem to be loving life with their teens.... I Love her to bits but she just can not control her anger or see any form of reason. She’s 15 and we have just had a great week with her until today. Back to the shouting and swearing when she doesn’t get her own way. Locking herself in the bathroom and went into a strange delirium with her rage.

I feel so alone and have no one that understands what this is like. I’m so sad to see her like this. She constantly falls out with her friend group and that’s the normal trigger for her to unleash hell on me, DH and DS.

I just don’t know how to help her. We have tried been to GP, tried counselling and hypnotherapy. The school offer no support, even after a traumatic incident with one of the boys in her year. What else can I try to support us through and help her and help the family unit? X

Should u ask the dr about the strange delirium? It may have mh implications or could just be that she hyperventilated in her rage and then was a bit oxygen deprived. You could think about cbt to control rage and breathing/panic attacks? It’s a bit more focussed than counselling. Also I so feel for girls in mixed schools where a boy does something traumatic. To return to the same environment with the person carrying on their merry way as if nothing happened, could be triggering her? It happened in my older ds’ school where a really psycho boy stalked and threatened a girl - the school just did not apply sanctions and in the end the parents just had to remove their daughter from the environment.

Relieved to have found this thread too!
I can identify with so much on here
Mazza- sorry to hear about your daughter. I’m not sure what the answer is as we have similar issues with Dd. We seem to take the brunt of all school friendship problems. Have tried counselling but what do we do when she won’t engage. Will be following with interest

Thank you Plumbuddy and Lacrossefan for your kind words.

How do you find a good CBT practitioner though. It’s so difficult.

Her mood is so low today. She will not engage with any of us at all. It’s so heartbreaking

I know, it's awful. I have been quite interested to notice the behaviour between DS and someone he has palsed up at college. He brings this guy back here to game. The way they relate is incredibly superficial and unchallenging, yet real to DS. I use it for intel as to how to approach DS on his deliberately superficial level. Maybe it's all they can cope with if they are feeling fragile.
With CBT, I've not had experience of this with my DS but I see it all the time through my work which often includes seeing other people's therapeutic referrals. It's focussed and goal-oriented, which I think we parents all need if our children don't. I agree it's expensive privately but I have seen it being done on the NHS (only 6 sessions at once mind), so if you are interested in that you should yourself or your DD be researching this through IAPT which is the MH arm of your GP. People who phone IAPT for MH support get put through a triage system on a waiting list but CBT, as well as counselling, is one of the things on offer. So definitely look into that, it can be sorted on the phone.

and @Mazza456 @Lacrossefan1

CAMHS turned us down and basically told us to keep sending her to counselling and if things get worse get in touch again. Not what I had hoped for but I suspect their services are severely stretched. The GP sent us some online resources including an app which my dd is interacting with. Things have been ok this last week so will just keep watching and thread lightly.

I've been reading how to talk so teens will listen. Not finished but some of it has proven useful in just learning to choose my words more carefully, listening and not always jumping in to try and solve things or impart some wisdom.

Hope everyone is still alive. It’s half term here and I cannot imagine what ds can do for ten days other than phone/game . We’re both working and we’re in Tier 2 and he’s had enough wholesome walks to last him a lifetime! He’s so bored. Not bored enough to spend more than five minutes on homework though ...

oh god @whysotriggered you have waited so long and now this depressing knockback. What's the app? I'm sure many here would love to try it! Our sons' driving instructor told me she swears by calms to get her into restful mode at night, thinking of recommending this to adult DS - not troublesome DS17 who would not deign to take advice.

Yes we both work and are in Tier 2 as well, but I've kind of now come to terms with the pain of working from home (DH escapes to an office) whilst our two lunks just sit dripping their lives away on machines. Actually I heard a game reviewer (female) on the radio a couple of weeks ago saying how excited she was to anticipate teaching her children to game and I think we may have missed a trick, those of us who hate it. It's ultimately no different from cards and board games, so as long as the game itself hasn't got evil content we maybe ought to consider asking the kids to teach us to play with them and do that for half an hour a day. That might kind of change the nasty dynamic. I say that, but somehow I don't think I'm going to do it...

DS17 was inspired to cook biscuits today, mainly because there were none in the house and he had no money. That was a good moment. You just have to celebrate them I guess.

@Plumbuddle the app is called THINK NINJA and is a CBT app and is free during the pandemic. I think my dd has found it helpful.
Our lovely GP has surprised us by refusing to accept CAHMS reply and referring us again! We have now been told our case has been passed onto the next stage and will be looked at by a local team. I don't know whether this is just another hurdle to jump over or whether we will actually get to speak to someone.
On a positive note, things are continuing to be ok with our dd, calmer and much less tense. One day at a time.

I hope everyone has a good and peaceful half-term.

@whysotriggered that’s so encouraging to hear. When a gp gets on the case it makes such a difference. All the best with it. Rushing off to look at this app.

Feeling bleak about another lockdown. It’s hard having ds at home; he goes into a netflix hole. He’s only just become human again after last time and has barely had a chance to get friendships going again.

Aramox- me too
Dd14 really went downhill during the last lockdown and was spending 12-13 hours a day glued to her phone. Barely engaged with online learning
I’m just holding my breath, as so far they have said schools will stay open. Really hoping that will be the case

Seconded.

I feel an absolute failure off a mum tonight
My 17 yo dd would not stay in.
She threatened the I will kill myself if you dont let me out.
Her bf was not allow out and he didn't go so she is doing in town walking around with girls.
I'm sure they are not social distancing
I have told her she will need to stay in her room for 14 days so she called me a bitch and said no I will use the bathroom and kitchen and go to school.
I feel I have no parent skills when she wouldn't listen
The Halloween outfit was terrible she dressed as a tramp and yes not proud of myself I said are you dressed as a tramp to act like a tramp.
I just broke down when she left.
I am not looking forward to her coming home. I know that is an awful thing to say.
I sent her a message that I love her and can't believe she actually went out in Covid19 and without her bf.

You aren’t failing @Andi2020! Nor is she. I know these times are specially hard but sounds to be doing just what teens always have. And at 17 she will be pretty independent. I’m sure she heard you - even if she didn’t do what you wanted. Hope it’s more peaceful today.

Hi all. Can I join? At the end of my tether with DS, who has just turned 17.

He skipped school, got 1 GCSE, and is now skipping college. The college is utterly useless, I am currently in the process of making a complaint about them not following their complaint process 😳

DS is with CAMHS, but his therapist is off sick. He is now becoming aggressive and has punched holes in the wall, manhandled me and last night kicked the front door until I let him in.

DS is also awaiting a diagnosis for autism.

His father is useless at best and toxic at worst. History of DV. Currently going to court over access to younger child. I don't want younger DC to end up like this, but there's a lot more to it, and that's a different thread. He thinks DS's behaviour is normal teenage stuff and a reaction to my allegedly controlling behaviour. I believe he enables DS.

Have had previous experience with social services, and they were useless. Complained to Ombudsman, who upheld my complaint.

All I seem to be doing is complaining 😳

DS steals from me on a regular basis, I have to watch my bag constantly. He stole his Grandad's brandy when he had been in his grave less than 24 hours 😞

He shows no remorse.

Relations are at an all time low. We're not speaking.

I'm seriously thinking about throwing him out. I doubt his father will take him on, he doesn't have suitable accommodation, and prefers to snipe from the sidelines rather than get involved directly.

I can't deal with him, he doesn't adhere to any rules or boundaries. He also smokes skunk.

Help!