Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

@Plumbuddle

I'll take tolerable any day @Plumbuddle

I'm sitting here at my work computer waiting for a call from the school and not able to concentrate one bit - luckily my manager is a total star about life getting in the way of work (although she's a nightmare in other ways) so she's not expecting much from me.

DH is not taking it well at all so I'm trying to keep him from saying something he will regret and making things worse - such a juggling act. Poor DS (who is at the same school) knows something is up but I just can't bring myself to tell him right now although he will have to know eventually and it has to come from us so he doesn't find out through gossip.

I just don't know where we go from here. DH is talking about moving house but we can't uproot DS as he is borderline ASD and just won't cope with that. But DH thinks this will end up affecting him too. Feel like the rope is just slipping through my fingers and need to work out how to get a strong grip again.

@TeenTraumaTrials hope all goes ok.
With not knowing the details of your problem it's hard to advise if your DH is correct about the decision to move.
If you have support where you live may be better to stay.
My dd tells me I make a bigger deal off things because I'm afraid how other people will judge and think what kind of mother has she eg when I saw a photo off her smoking I said I hope no one posted that on social media.
So she probably right hope your problem gets sorted ok.
Mumsnet is great to vent a problem

@TTT I've dug back a bit but can't remember how old your DD is. She's in an exam year, right? Meaning GCSE?
I don't know whether your DH wants to move for other reasons but if it's just because DD has messed up her school relationships, I agree with you that young ASD DS's needs have to come first and you should stay. It's also important for your DD to see you stand your ground and hold your heads up high as a family no matter how much shame she has brought. An old friend of mine told me her dad, who was a GP with a rotten temper and really authoritarian (corporal punishment etc), got his 6 kids together one day and told them that no matter what they did wrong in the world he would always be on their side. (Of course he kept quiet about if they had a conflict of interest...) The point being that she never forgot that and she is such a good parent. I have tried to say that to my kids so that even however they hurt us (and DS2 regularly does shame me), he does not actually feel I have rejected him for it. That's so important.

Anyway returning to your DD, I have to say that complain though I have on this site recently, we really saw a good development when DS2 moved school after GCSE. He'd been in a quite strict school where the teachers were calling me every day and emailing, the usual, even the ADD diagnosis I quickly commissioned was not full protection in those last couple of years there. So I just gave up and put him in the local FE college right round the corner to mitigate school refusal and stop them putting so much pressure on him. Again I know I've vented, but he really was a changed student as a result and got far more engaged with both his course and his peers at BTec level. He actually has friends. And they are much smaller classes. Plus I discovered that these places are chock full of undiagnosed SEN students which the FE colleges are well aware of and meet their needs holistically. I'm just so relieved. There's nothing like not being called so much by the school to reduce your blood pressure. Just a thought. You can also stay there 3 years without paying fees, so it's an extra year in education free if they need to go slowly and haltingly due to their global needs. Is that possible at your end or is she facing really dire sanctions?

In addition where a child has screwed up their GCSE year (if that's what you fear), these FE colleges allow them to retake subject at their own pace and a more tailored way. And to feel like they are in an alliance with grown ups. So much of teen issues is them thinking they're an adult when they're not, and being frustrated that we're not acknowledging that, but the FE teachers do and skilfully get an alliance with them the way schools do not. As far as I am concerned these places are unsung heros.

Hi

I have not posted in a very long time but have been reading this thread with interest.
So I have a 16 year old DD who has not been herself for a good few years. There have been ups and downs.She has a had a lot of issues with her dad ( we are separated) but they seem to have been resolved somewhat.
What really really saddens me is her lack of confidence and fear of everything. This child used to be a competitive dancer and has given it all up. Not COVID related. She has zero self confidence. So much so that she will not answer the hall door herself. She won't go outside herself except to walk to school and back. I fear that I am enabling that behavious as I will go to the shop for her.

She is always trying new things like this month she is a Vegan. She has self esteem issues and I know that she is only being vegan as she thinks she will lose weight. I have seen her binge and then restrict food. We have had countless conversations about this. I have booked counselling so many times and then last minute, she cancels.
She also has an issue with school and although she seems a bit more mature now she takes offence if a teacher says something in the wrong tone of voice. She wants to sve the world but from the sofa :)
She has friends but cannot be bothered going out with them, they come over to stay every now and then. She gets fed up with one set of friends and moves to another. She has been like this always, now that I think about it.
She is an only child and never wants for anything but never really asks for anything either. She isn't out drinking or doing drugs or any of the stuff that other teenagers seem to do so I know that I am lucky in that sense.

I am worn out trying to fix things for her. I am worn out trying to get her to do stuff. I am worn out not knowing if she is going to be sad today. I sometimes wonder is it just the fashion to be bipolar and I am raising a snowflake of a child. Sometimes i just want to fix things for her and other times, I really don't like her that much and envy people that don't have kids. I feel like a failure as a mother and that somehow both she and I are disappointed in one another.
Please no one slate me, I guess there is no real advice but I see other people's kids, all confident and outgoing and mature with boyfiends etc and then I look at my lovely daughter and wish she had a healthier mind as she is beautiful in appearance.

It seems to me that so many girls don't realise how beautiful they are and then years later you look back at your photos and can't believe you hated your looks so much. It's awful. And I don't know how I could have coped with Instagram either, it's so crushing to girls. No-one slates you on this thread, I've read about a quarter of it and all I can see is understanding, not like on AIBU. A few weeks I posted a little bit on general teen asking opinions and I was slammed from two polar opposite directions. Stay here if you want to discuss your daughter further, I can confirm it's really safe.

Your not a failure some teenagers are a nightmare and it's like you have to wish the years away till they might turn out to be OK as grown ups.

Sal

Thanks *Plumdubble. We're not in England but yes GCSE equivalent year. I'm already looking at college as an option for continuing learning and getting to Uni although another school in the region might also be an option.

Thankfully the school aren't taking it further as she is already getting counselling and they don't see it as child protection risk (think social media and illegality and I'm sure you can join the dots as to what has happened). But that doesn't make it any easier for her going to school every day wondering how many of the people in her classes have seen stuff. And the fear of stuff still hanging around on phones for years and being resurrected at some point is a real one that might have long term impact. No running for office for her .......

Welcome Snuggleworm - you'll get no slating or judgement here.

@TeenTraumaTrials that's great school not taking it further.
Kids will post on social media and we can only try our best to advise them.

I always tell mine do not post anything you do not want me to see off yourself or anyone else because I will eventually see it.
Some off their friends post stuff I am appalled at and I give out to mine for whatever their part in it was.
Like smoking or in the wrong place.

@teen hopefully this will blow over soon at school for your dd and she can get back to normal kids will gossip to the next thing happens
My dd got in a fight at school 2 years ago it was videoed and posted around social media the girl that videoed it only got suspended for 2 days the girl that hit my dd 2 weeks suspension but my dd will always be hurt by the shame off it and so will I.
I felt the school really let her down and the other girl got back into school to do Alevel.

Wish I'd seen this thread earlier before I started one of my own, short version teenage son being a pain in the arse at school and behaving very differently to the lad we largely see at home.
Anyway, I'm glad I read the letter on page 1 before I sat down and talked with him this afternoon, it did help put things into perspective a little bit and I'll try and remember to read it again when I next feel like throttling him!

Thanks @Andi2020. The most upsetting thing is that she KNEW the risks of SM - we've drummed in that as soon as you send something it's out of your control. I do hope it passes. I would not wish this situation on anyone.

@Snuggleworm you are not a failure. Your DD sounds like she might be depressed. Have you been to the GP? It took a lot of convincing to get DD to agree to see a counsellor - she agreed to a 'get to know each other ' trial session at first and then as that was ok agreed to attend at least 6 sessions. So don't give up on that. Maybe ask DD what one thing she could do to improve her wellbeing? And then one thing you could do. So showing you're in it with her.

Oops just realised I got your name wrong upthread @Plumbuddle - sorry

That's such an interesting point @Plumbuddle. It's good that the move worked for your DS - I think it would for DD too as she has always been 'old for her years' and been more comfortable around adults. Although it scares me to think of her leaving school at 16 as that's a bit thing.

I know that there is a lot of data that shows that school just isn't the right place for many children who may then go on to thrive and learn in a different environment. We have such a rigid system trying to shoehorn kids into a particular way of learning.

I remember going to a session at the school where they were talking about different learning styles and that apparently a lot of boys learn better standing up! So why not put standing desks in classes??

And the social aspect of school is just brutal - particularly for girls and as SM means you can't actually get away from it. When I was young a couple of folk could get together to bitch about you or two people chat on a phone call - these days you can have a group chat of 20 folk tearing someone to bits. I would have fallen apart with that.

@Snuggleworm a lot of what you write resonates with me. No slating here either.

@TeenTraumaTrials My eldest moved from school to college at 16 and it was very positive. She moved as A-levels were not what she wanted to do and I think she has enjoyed the less formal atmosphere. There is also far less drama although ironically she still largely socialises with her school friends. She has no regrets though apart from the long commute.

But be warned, with FE colleges in my part of England anyway, they only have classes about 3 days per week -- DS is in second year now and it's 4. That leaves an entire day at least free, and the days are some of them just a half day. It's certainly a jammy job for the teachers lol. They are also aware they have a lot of kids who are not motivated so it may be a good compromise, but I was climbing the walls at first knowing DS would spend all his spare time couch potatoing on SM. Anyway we rapidly found that they also have a work placement scheme so he was, before Covid, going into a design studio in the centre of time and working with graphic designers just being the tea boy, but that was incredible for him. If they get given some real adult responsibility it's also a great thing for them, and of course if we try it at home we get ignored, but in a workplace it can be helpful.

centre of town sorry. Freudian slip -- we're all doing time eh.

Hi I've just joined this thread after my. Nearly 16 year old teen son has turned into a monster 😢. Hoping I'm in the right place I'm trying to read all the comments and catch up 😬. I'm at my wits end with him, he had his moments before and I thought that was s bad but this is a different level. He's found a new group of friends and now he's back to school year 11 he seems to think he can do what he wants and when he wants. This is such a important year and he doesn't care at all. He's nasty, rude and horrible and I can't help but bite back which any threats punishment seems to make it worse and I'm loosing control, 😢

This is the right place! I was so glad to find it. I have read on other threads in Mumsnet that 16 is the worst age but I do think it can get worse. It's a huge read but try if you can to read bits of the previous threads as well as this as there is a huge amount of wisdom and tips in there.
They probably all are feeling a bit out of control and unboundaried now given the months off school and the sense of having been abandoned by the system they trusted and respected. I wouldn't blame them, especially now it looks like lockdown is coming our way again. They are still of an age to subconsciously believe that their parents and carers can protect them from all ills, no matter how much they rebel and hate us. So Covid has really rocked that belief to its foundation, and some of the stuff we are going through may be related to a backlash from that. IMO.

Definitely. I’m up the wall with the nastiness here, worse since school restarted. Also desperate to get the phone/laptop out of his hands and get him out of bed. Should I force him? I’ve lost track of what’s reasonable for 14 year olds.

Thank you ladies. Glad I am in the right place, definitely think lockdown has sent them wild plus the stress if schooland GCSE year.

I don't know how rough he is or whether you are a SP. If you have another adult, then this was our approach at that age. The only sanction that worked was removal of devices. Nothing else bothered our DS. So what we would do if he didn't hand them over, was to warn that if he held onto them then he would lose that many minutes/hours etc when we next had them. They then had to be all hidden away of course and all replacements intercepted. They get quite cunning, with empty shells, buying other devices etc. Or creeping around at dead of night. We are now at the point with DS17 where he hands over everything at midnight. The rest of the time due to Covid, we gave up except that the rule was no phone until 2pm ie after lunch and any morning chores. Now, he can take his phone to college in the mornings too.
I am trying to have a rule where the phone is immediately removed if he shouts, curses or is nasty to us, but DH spoils it by shouting back so I may never get that one properly in place. It has worked occasionally though, in that if he won't hand it over, then the warning and later sanction kicks in.
I am very concerned about this as I would lose quite a few battles rather than get into a physical tussle with a boy, the effect on them of assaulting their mum never mind the effect on me, is just horrific. I know it happens and I know we may give up too much authority to avoid it, but if you can get hold of the phone later and withhold it effectively, then that way round is the one I prefer.