Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

Inastatus I think you handled that situation really well and in no way does that make you a shit parent. The piercing is irrelevant (FWIW I took DD to get a piercing only a couple of weeks after a major series of events and DH thought it was wrong, but I think you should set a punishment and then move on). Your friend has over-reacted. If she told you she must have known you would act on the information. If that has caused issues between her and her DD then that's their problem to sort out.

Her being judgey about your DD's actions is just ridiculous - what if the boot had been on the other foot? Although I know it is easy to worry about what other people think of your DCs behaviour - the old 'I blame the parents' line. I'm mortified by some of DDs behaviour and often have to remind myself that it's her behaviour, not mine. All we can do is counsel, guide and listen but at the end of the day they make their own decisions once they are teens - just need to hope they learn from the bad ones.

@Pegsinarow

Sorry, not expressing this well, in other words, dont (like me) follow your dd too far down the rabbit hole of anxiety/ depression, despite being desperately worried about her. Step back from the edge, breathe, look up and out, try and model calmness, positivity and healthy habits (v v difficult when stressed of course) as they need us to be a bit of a rock and an anchor point I think . All v easy to write down and v v hard to do ... .

Pegs I think we are all guilty of this sometimes but you put it really well - I think I'm going to copy this onto my phone as a reminder of how to deal with the difficult times.

The phrase about only being as happy as your unhappiest child is so true. And that comes back to the whole point of these threads from the start - to try not let our teens issues affect our MH. But it's bloody difficult

@TeenTraumaTrials - thank you for your comments. DD’s best friend just appears to be perfect in every way. Sensible, clever, level- headed etc. My friend is v smug.

@Pegsinarow - I think I’ve fallen into this trap. I’m having major anxiety issues - heart is racing, stomach churning, not sleeping or eating properly. I’m waiting for a call from my GP. I really don’t want to go on anti d’s but can’t cope with feeling like this!

Inastatus - when we were going through our really hard times with DD I felt exactly the same - had days where I barely ate, was awake half the night and just so anxious all of the time. You're not alone in all of this

Is there anything you can do that is good for your MH? ADs might be right for you but there may be other things that can help. I find being outside walking or going for a run is so good for me just to get away from things and clear my head.

Also, try to not compare to other DDs. I think people often project an image, but in reality most teens go through at least a phase of issues - just some do it sooner (and for longer).

@TeenTraumaTrials - thanks again. I really appreciate your support. Yes, I’m trying to exercise as much as possible. I’ve also just spoken to GP who is suggesting HRT rather than anti-d’s. I think she’s right and a lot of my anxiety could be linked to menopause - the joys of being an older mum!

God I've still got that around the corner - I think it could be the last straw if it starts any time soon ..........

Door is now good but took dh a day to repair and now is reluctant to do more much needed decorating.

Dd seems calmer. Think it helps that she's getting out and talking to people. She has never been one to like her own company.

Inastatus. I agree with you. It is easy for your friend to say what she would do but you didn't let her off the hook and I think stacking up punishments is counterproductive. I wouldn't have cancelled an already made appointment either as I think it would make my dd feel angry and humiliated and even less likely to open up to me when the shit hits the fan.

Take your friend up on her need of space. You have to do what's right for you without having someone make you doubt yourself. I don't think it's good for your dd either. I do like the advice that this is your teen's behaviour, not yours, is great.

In the meantime, encourage your daughter to speak to you so you can properly advise her and that you are here to help and only get angry because you are worried.

I am on ad's. I think it is menopause related, though, but I worry about the risks with hrt. I am a migraine sufferer and cancer runs in the family too

@TeenTraumaTrials. ''You're only as happy as your unhappiest child''...so very true unfortunately, I'm really trying not to get so stressed about situations she is getting herself into just trying to fit in, her low mood is really worrying but her CAMHS appointment is in August so I'm hoping they can help with that.

@gandalf456 - thank you. It’s looking unlikely that I can have HRT due to family history of stroke 🙁 Will look at alternatives.

My friend has apologised and admitted she over-reacted. I’m quite relieved about that.

I’m glad your DD is calmer.

Anyone any experience of this? 18 year old ds ( young 18)
Me :" can you check your emails please for any information from jobs"
Him : " yeah I will"
Hours later...
Me:"have you checked?"
Him: " oh no I forgot"
And so on and so on as nauseum...
He's waiting to hear from the raf and if he doesn't log in to check he could miss something.
I know I've to back off, and I have but we can't afford for him to miss something!
Some days I just want to punch his face ( I don't really I love him dearly but I feel like he's punishing me sometimes)
I also get this line
" the more you ask me to do something the less likely I'm gonna do it"
Wtf does that even mean??!!!
I'm so close to telling him to fuck off, when he says that I want to say 'oh fuck off then'
LAZY & STUBBORN
😡

@Mairyhinge I know I shouldn't laugh but I did when you said fuck off because I actually for the first time snapped them words to my dd when she told me another lie.
It's his future hes 18.
Can you log onto his email account to keep an eye on them if he cba

@Andi2020
I don't know his log in details so couldn't check up - part of me doesn't want to! It's his life.
But yeah the words 'fuck off' are on the tip of my tongue ALL the time now.
Or 'get the fuck out of bed you lazy git'

@Mairyhinge tell him you want to help him and you will check his email incase he misses the email.
You sound like me you just want him to be more organised.
Sometimes we do so much for our teenagers they are unable to do things for themselves.
Eg my dd sends me her work rota as she wouldn't remember her times in the end this is not really going to help her but she has as terrible memory and I don't want her to miss work.

[quote Andi2020]@Mairyhinge tell him you want to help him and you will check his email incase he misses the email.
You sound like me you just want him to be more organised.
Sometimes we do so much for our teenagers they are unable to do things for themselves.
Eg my dd sends me her work rota as she wouldn't remember her times in the end this is not really going to help her but she has as terrible memory and I don't want her to miss work.[/quote]
I think it's my inner control freak. He's incredibly private so it's highly unlikely he'd share his log in details with me.
My daughter is 23 and I still make her give me her work rota every week! In fact I'm that bad, she did a placement year last year in a Hilton hotel, miles from home, and she still gave me her monthly work rota 🤣

[quote Andi2020]@Mairyhinge tell him you want to help him and you will check his email incase he misses the email.
You sound like me you just want him to be more organised.
Sometimes we do so much for our teenagers they are unable to do things for themselves.
Eg my dd sends me her work rota as she wouldn't remember her times in the end this is not really going to help her but she has as terrible memory and I don't want her to miss work.[/quote]
I think it's my inner control freak. He's incredibly private so it's highly unlikely he'd share his log in details with me.
My daughter is 23 and I still make her give me her work rota every week! In fact I'm that bad, she did a placement year last year in a Hilton hotel, miles from home, and she still gave me her monthly work rota 🤣

@Pegsinarow...don't know what to do now..DD was arrested and brought home last night for being drunk and disorderly, she was staying at her friends house and somehow the parents allowed them to drink, things got out of hand and the neighbours called the police, not because of her specifically but because of the noise etc coming from the house, she was out of her tree when they brought her back in handcuffs, screaming at them etc, then spent the rest of the night shouting and basically giving us hell. The police were concerned about who she was hanging out with as apparently most of them are known to them and the parents in the property were drinking with the teenagers. I'm at my wits end, I do not know what to do with her, she is totally out of control, CAMHS start with her first appointment next week and I am praying this will help her with her anger, depression and anxiety, I am so worried about her, just looking for a handhold today mostly, it was a long night.

JessCat so sorry to hear that - don't have any specific advice, and I realise things might have moved on but here to listen if things are still bad. How did DD's CAMHS appt go?

@TeenTraumaTrials moved on a little, CAMHS went ok, they're going to try and help her manage all of her issues, not sure if they will achieve that in 6 sessions though, we're away for a week now so it's good to get her away from the situation even for a short period of time, she's much calmer and easier to handle away from the influence of her friends so I'm getting some peace for a few days, her too, thanks

Glad things are a bit more peaceful JessCat

Do you think that now she's had a chance to think about it that the police involvement might have given her enough of a scare even to help her see that those 'friends' might not be that good for her?

We have not yet been at the end of a drunken screaming match and I definitely don't relish that, while accepting that it's likely to happen at some point.

@TeenTraumaTrials, I really don't know if it has made her think, she thinks she's invincible, a police officer friend has offered to take her on a tour of the cells for me, that might put things in perspective for her, hopefully she'll settle down a bit when school reopens in September, most of the kids she hangs out with go to other schools so maybe a little distance will realign the friendship group, it's been a very long summer! Yes, being at the other end of a drunken out of control teen was hellish to put it mildly, the police will be looking into how they got their hands on the alcohol, who sold it to them etc, I'm sure they'll manage to again though unfortunately.

What a shit time since Thursday
Final straw today found a photo off my dd with a cigarette in her mouth knowing 100% proper way to hold it and a pint in her hand.
Not a nice photo for a mum to see
Off course she lied said it was someone else's and she ran off down the field crying
I got in car went to her bfs asked him does my dd smoke he said an odd time and admitted they both smoked in her bedroom
I told him If you want to smoke do it outside but my dd has asthma and should not be smoking
Even sitting with both off them together she lied about smoking.
I am totally fuming
She runs off every time we argue which was probably about 10 times this weekend
She will not go to any counselling says it's all me if I let her do everything she wants there would be no problem
I let her have a party for her GCSE with friends and was not allowed near them she showed me photos today off party and other mums in the marquee getting photos taken which I was cleaning up after everyone at 2am no mums around then for cleaning up.
I have laid on my bed all day
Shes away now to bfs house to watch a movie.
I let her have low alcohol wine but not beer she is 17
I don't want her to smoke even she doesn't have asthma

can I join a little early.(they are twelve twoteen) I have one who has been practising for being a teen since they were 7. autism and hormones are not a good combination. I need to read and learn.

my actual teen is mostly lovely 2/3 chronological age and all that makes them emotionally about 10. but by god have they cloth ears... autism.. again and all that.

I hope nobody's minds me jumping on the thread? I gave a separate one running but I'm desperate.

My DS 17, nearly 18, has decided he's not coming home and staying where he's been doing his summer work, related to the career he wants to eventually pursue. He's mid A levels and wants to quit them and financially support himself where he is now (120 miles from home) and study a BTec at a local college. It's so no viable, I'm currently staying in a B&B near him as I've said we need to talk in depth. Let him last night he couldn't wait to get away - got a bit tearful - but said he's not coming home, absolutely hates it there. I'm currently down at breakfast trying not to make an idiot of myself by crying into my bacon and eggs 😂

@Shoegal0305 I know my problems are different to yours and we all get emotional when we think they are making the wrong decision.
Is he an only child.
Have you support at home to get through
We all dread the day they leave home
But we have to let them hes nearly 18 and a lot of 18 year olds lie at home on playstation eating everything doing nothing with their life at least he has a job and a course.

Hi all 'ropers', catching up on this thread after a stint away and wow if MN gave out olympic style medals for good advice and commradeship there'd be a heck of a lot of golds around.
Maryhinge...when do they stop being lazy arses? answers on a postcard please ...

I've been struggling with the laziness and lack of motivation of DS 21 to the point where I was going to bed fretting, waking up fretting and fretting for about 16 hours in between. I've been struggling to just sit and relax and read, thinking that DD is slouching around on his phone etc, I realise that the end result will be me ill or in an early grave. Coming on here and reading the advice about stepping back and taking time for yourself has really helped. I've just told myself that I have done 21 yrs bloody hard graft mentally physically and emotionally and I need rein in the worrying.

So thank you Pegs