Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

@shadypines

Hi all 'ropers', catching up on this thread after a stint away and wow if MN gave out olympic style medals for good advice and commradeship there'd be a heck of a lot of golds around. Maryhinge...when do they stop being lazy arses? answers on a postcard please ...

I've been struggling with the laziness and lack of motivation of DS 21 to the point where I was going to bed fretting, waking up fretting and fretting for about 16 hours in between. I've been struggling to just sit and relax and read, thinking that DD is slouching around on his phone etc, I realise that the end result will be me ill or in an early grave. Coming on here and reading the advice about stepping back and taking time for yourself has really helped. I've just told myself that I have done 21 yrs bloody hard graft mentally physically and emotionally and I need rein in the worrying.

So thank you Pegs

I've had to take a step back. I've been the same, laying awake at night fretting, spending all day getting more and more frustrated that he's not getting up, not getting himself sorted. It's drained me. I spent the weekend feeling tired and unwell and I've decided this week he can do what he wants and get on with it ( or not in his case!) Apparently many more 18 year olds are as bad if not worse but it's beyond frustrating!

Can I join you? My DD is 13 and overnight I have a grumpy horrid slob instead of my nice hardworking and friendly daughter.

She goes to an all girls grammar and going into year 9. She normally gets on really well with my parents but a visit here to them - hasn’t helped. She defensive about her work, bedroom and she stinks. I’ve bought her nice shampoo and washing things - hoping it would help. I’m organising a tutor for September. But I’m
seriously considering a counsellor as she just seems so unhappy. As a child I was the same. But I’m wondering if counselling to help her self esteem etc would help? She has various tutors but lockdown hasn’t helped. At the moment she either slams the door in my face or walks around looking like a wet weekend - I’m a single parents and she has younger siblings. What can I do? I’m exhausted with it all. We were so close and I just feel she has shut the door.

Sorry Shoegal that must be really upsetting for you. But at the end of the day at that age all you can do is listen, give advice and then hope for the best. Has he really thought through the realities of financially supporting himself and all that entails. Has he said why he doesn't want to come home? At least he still wants to study and pursue his career so you need to bear that in mind.

Andi202O - no advice as such, but just wanted to say I'd be really upset if DD did that - sounds like classic holding the rope territory in that she knew you'd see it and cause a fight - is there somewhere you can go to talk that is more public so she wouldn't then run away. But at 17 she can legally smoke so there's not much you can do about that.

OldBristolian - welcome. We don't have all of the answers (and often have our own questions) but are here to listen. It does sound like your DD is entering teendom and they can be just horrible. I know from experience that changes in behaviour can be hormonal or due to things happening at school. Might be a bit early to be thinking of a counsellor if it's just hormones, but if there is more to it then might be helpful.

@OldBristolian - I have just come to join the thread too and feel like we are in the same situation.

My dd is 13 and her attitude is horrible, she just wants to be lazy all the time and watch tv, I lost the plot with her today as she wouldn't get washed and dressed and when I tried to speak to her she has given me serious attitude.

Her mood ruins the day on a regular basis and now we havn't been to the shops today because of all the drama.

I wonder if i should just start ignoring her when she acts like this. But I don't want her staying at home all day every day and I try to make her come out to the shops just so she gets out, I know its boring but we need shopping and we don't have much to do at the moment.

I have tried encouraging dd to meet up with friends but she hasn't got any really close friends and doesn't seem to want to ask the people she is friendly with.

So instead what does she want to do? Sit at home unwashed, not helping, leaving food wrappers around and watching tv all day. I just can't leave her to do that.

I'm so fed up of her horrible attitude and I have tried talking to her nicely and nothing works

Thanks all. The counselling is partly due to history. I went through a traumatic divorce 6 years ago. Ex husband is father of younger siblings and he was lovely to start and then abusive to me - a very difficult divorce happened. She had counselling then as she blamed herself and it absolutely wasn’t her fault. Things were better. She had no contact with my ex and the court imposed a life long restraining order on my ex 18 months ago so he can’t contact us except for contact with younger ones that is agreed And phone calls with him. Recently she’s shouting at the younger ones if and when they talk about ‘daddy’ or are talking on the phone to their daddy saying he is abusive and they are better off not seeing them. (They probably are - but are currently too young to make this decision). I had free counsellor during my divorce for over a year due to the nature of exes abuse towards me and he is willing to have a further referral back to him to see both of us again starting next week as a few things have flagged up. We are staying with my parents and we currently live 6 hours drive from my home town and we have talked at length about a huge move here within 3 years for the end of year 11 so she can have my parents for support, my old and firm school friends and live away from ex and memories. I feel counselling would help us explore her emotions, moods, the impact on me (I’ve suffered with PTSD and have a highly stressful job). The counsellor knows the trauma inside and out and was great with us before and the fact we have had funding approved for a second round five years later For us great. I really trust and rate him as I would not have survived the divorce and police etc without him. He wanted to see her (my ex) but due to counsellor, police and caffcass he backed down and that was absolutely the right reason as he was her step father not biological dad (he’s dead). I want to move for the right reasons - better schools for younger ones, for teen, living in a lovely town near a city rather then out in the sticks- she currently goes to school a four hour round round commute from where we live as she wanted to go all girls independent -better career opportunities for me, massive distance between us and ex (although we have restraining order it is obvious things we do are being reported back etc to ex despite trying the fix the leaks and locking down friends etc we live watching our shadows). Ex still has contact with younger ones. Teen is VERY anti men and boys apart from her siblings and grandpa and few very very trusted male friends right now. Argh teens eh?? She’s been good today - long day out on the coast with the family and she’s been fab

Apologies Mairyhinge I just realised I mispelt your name..glad you've been trying to take a step back. It has done me the power of good this week, I feel the concept of 'how much to invest/worry in your adult child' has become a little clearer for me and the answer is 'not enough so that it's maker you/me miserable and unable to do enjoy a normal life'. I'm sure they'll still be times when I start fretting more than I should and I'll have to stop and shake myself.
Also I think getting on with your own life gives them some sort of an example? I've work part time and I've got lots of hobbies/interests (which in a way makes it even harder to watch them doing sod all procrastinating).

OldBristolian glad you had a nice day with DD on coast, sounds lovely.

Ah OldBristolian that makes sense. Sounds like you've both had a tough time. Good to have a counsellor that you know to help her work through how she is feeling.

We've been trying to arrange counselling for DD but the school have terminated the arrangement they had in place as the LA is recruiting school counsellors (but leaves a huge gap until they are in post), they won't let DD see the original counsellor (who had been counselling in the school) on the premises as they aren't letting non staff adult in the building and DD, understandably to a point, doesn't want to start off counselling with a total stranger online. No-one locally is doing face to face.

I'd like to join please. I am a bit miffed / cross with myself I haven't seen these threads before.

I have a very difficult Ds1. He has bought me to my knees, literally, before. God how I've sobbed, at least twice. I find parenting him extremely hard, I don't like it or enjoy it most of the time. I get extremely frustrated a lot. Because I have an incredibly close relationship with my mum, the way he treats me actually hurts my heart, makes me sad, and bitter and resentful.

So I'll scroll back and look at earlier threads later, but I'm at work atm.

It's been a while since I have been on this thread. I think I may have name changed as well. My dd2 enjoyed lockdown, the time away from the stresses of school friendship and general pressures of being a teenager. One day back and she is already stressed and upset. Sigh. I thought things had improved but I think the same issues are rearing their heads; lack of a best friend, worries she isn't very important to her friends, general anxiety and overthinking about what people think of her. She can't sleep because she's so anxious about everything. I don't really know what I can do beyond offering comfort and reminding her that school isn't forever. I can't believe that right now I wish we could have another lockdown.

Also want to offer my support to all of you, those who have been on the thread for a while and those who have just joined. I want to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us, even though at times it feels so bleak.

Right now we are struggling with 18yr old ds.
No motivation whatsoever to do anything. Supposed to be getting fit for the raf but the gym once a week isn't cutting it.
He's miserable, sullen, and after a huge argument with his dad is now barely speaking to us. His room was a pig sty, he pays no rent ( has no job, we've been supporting his aim), goes out every night to his mates so never eats with us. I'm so tired. He has a curfew during the week now and has kicked off about that saying ' I'm 18! ' but he's so childish. Sulks. Won't communicate properly.
My anxiety is off the scale. I walk the dog just to get out of the house.
He has PDA, which is worse now than it's ever ever been. He will not do anything that's asked of him if you don't ask a certain way, and once he's refused you've no chance.
I find parenting him now far harder than it's ever been, and he's had plenty of moments through the years.
I keep saying ' this too shall pass' and ' nothing lasts forever' but this has been like this for a year now.
Hand hold to everyone else struggling

My son 15 came home drunk and physically attacked me this evening.... his friend was here and pulled him off me

I'm a single parent, his dad is a bit crap

But I've said enough is enough he needs to go and live with his dad....

Jesus this is hard and this has been building up for weeks now
I'm mortified that he did this and I want nothing more to do with him

Advice please 😩

I'm so sorry this be happened to you. I don't have any advice but just wanted to provide some support. Hopefully someone wiser will come along soon.

@whysotriggered

I'm so sorry this be happened to you. I don't have any advice but just wanted to provide some support. Hopefully someone wiser will come along soon.

It was awful... I'm still reading at how he could do that! It feels like it's been building up for weeks now! We have a nice life, good house no money worries etc Nice area good school etc but he has turned into not a nice person... abusive and nasty... awful just awful.

@Truzza my son has not physically attacked me but he tried to close his door on me when I went in his room. I find the hardest part is the change in them. In my case he was always a lovely lad, always wanted to be with me wherever I was, and now it's like he despises me.
I'm so sorry you've been physically attacked by him, what does/ will his dad say about it? It might be a consideration to call the police ( although in the same situation I'm not sure I could!). for you.

[quote Mairyhinge]@Truzza my son has not physically attacked me but he tried to close his door on me when I went in his room. I find the hardest part is the change in them. In my case he was always a lovely lad, always wanted to be with me wherever I was, and now it's like he despises me.
I'm so sorry you've been physically attacked by him, what does/ will his dad say about it? It might be a consideration to call the police ( although in the same situation I'm not sure I could!). for you. [/quote]
The dad said he'd pick him up and talk to him etc..... son came home and his dad let him. Said he had people over for lunch so not much he could do 🤔

Absolute shit show of parenting here! So I'm left to sort it out

I have contacted a teenage counselling service and I'll take him as soon as I can!

His dad made no priority of his son today which is very sad
I've pulled him up on it
No reply as yet

@whysotriggered

It's been a while since I have been on this thread. I think I may have name changed as well. My dd2 enjoyed lockdown, the time away from the stresses of school friendship and general pressures of being a teenager. One day back and she is already stressed and upset. Sigh. I thought things had improved but I think the same issues are rearing their heads; lack of a best friend, worries she isn't very important to her friends, general anxiety and overthinking about what people think of her. She can't sleep because she's so anxious about everything. I don't really know what I can do beyond offering comfort and reminding her that school isn't forever. I can't believe that right now I wish we could have another lockdown.

My DD was exactly the same whysotriggered. She loved not having to navigate the social minefield that is school and was having panic attacks at the thought of going back. They are 2 and a half weeks back and almost every day she's come home and told me about something that has happened - a snidy comment or the girls that used to be her friends talking loudly in class about her. It's all minor stuff in its own right and the school just keep saying she needs to ignore it and be more resilient - but taken together it's relentless grinding down. She is using all of her resilience to just go to school and get through the day.

Is your DD talking to you about all of this as I think when they are struggling with school/friends, often they shut us out (or use us as a mental/verbal punch bag as it's their way of coping). Do the school know she's struggling?

@TeenTraumaTrials it really irritates me when the school say the victim should ignore it or be more resilient- why? Why should your daughter have to put up with this every day? Even the strongest, most resilient people would break eventually under the strain. School needs to do more, address the problem rather than make it your daughters problem to solve. I hope things improve.
School was really tough for my son, he likes rules and regulations and can't deal with people who break them and get away with it ( or seem to), he was blamed for many things and eventually would say he'd done things he hadn't just to get it over with. School failings.

@TeenTraumaTrials yes school are aware although they don't see some of the issues she's talking about, they say she seems quite happy, seems to be popular and doing well academically. They are looking at ways to help but I am annoyed they have suggested to us that perhaps the problem is ASD, I honestly do not think this is the case, no teacher has ever flagged up anything until we said she was unhappy there this last week. She has been there for over 3 years. I cannot disregard her feelings and obvious distress. I am looking at moving her to a much smaller school with a calmer atmosphere and far less competitive as it's non-selective, this will mean £££ but I feel like I at least have to give her that option.

@whysotriggered I really feel for you and your dd sometimes best option is to move.
My dd was very unhappy in first 3 years off secondary and moved best decision for her. She is in Alevel year now and really happy

I agree totally MairyHinge but like whyso the school see that she is coming to class and working and actually doing well. But she is doing that against a background of often breaking down or getting angry at home because of the constant sniggering/bitchy comments etc that she is getting from a quite large group of girls virtually every day. It just doesn't seem to be enough to make the school take it seriously.

We did consider moving her over the summer but she's in exam year and none of the other schools in the LA could offer her choices.

Hi I've just in despair discovered this thread. I am definitely joining if that's ok. Ds17 behaves like someone with pda and essentially I have nothing much to do with him now because any act perceived as an instruction or discipline triggers him to bark horrible put downs at me. It's heartbreaking and feels like domestic abuse. I am at the point where I look forward to his departure.
It's late now and have to sleep off the despair but will post properly tomorrow and also read in properly. Night night all. Just reading a few posts was such a relief.

@Plumbuddle

Hi I've just in despair discovered this thread. I am definitely joining if that's ok. Ds17 behaves like someone with pda and essentially I have nothing much to do with him now because any act perceived as an instruction or discipline triggers him to bark horrible put downs at me. It's heartbreaking and feels like domestic abuse. I am at the point where I look forward to his departure. It's late now and have to sleep off the despair but will post properly tomorrow and also read in properly. Night night all. Just reading a few posts was such a relief.

You're not alone . My son is 18 and has pda 'traits' ( never had an official diagnosis, but consultant verbally confirmed it). It's hard. I get things like ' the more you ask me to do it the less likely I am to do it' if I lose my temper it's game over and he has a blind fury, and will not listen. If I ask him to do anything it has to sound more like a suggestion than a request! It's exhausting. He still, at 18, has times when his legs don't work, he's tired, he has headache etc to avoid doing things. Keep talking on here and you'll soon realise you're not alone ( even though it's feels like it!)

@plumbuddle welcome to the thread.
It really helps to know we are not alone and that it's not just our family.
There is 2 older threads on this also think the original poster has them all linked.
If you like to read it helps to read other peoples comments and the help offered.
I feel it is also good to type down your own problem. Gets it out off your head for a while.