How do I back down from this?

[CrazyHorse]

DD (14yo) asked for a pair of shoes while out shopping. Rudely, without explaining why she wanted/needed them.

DH told her she was behaving like a spoilt brat and walked out of the shop.

DD asked the shop assistant if she could try them on but they didn't have her size.

I had a chat to DD and told her no way would we be buying her anything if she was being so rude to us. I told her to apologise to DH and she offered a sulky "I'm sorry"

Having had time to consider the shoes, I now think she does actually need them. How do I go about buying them for her without rewarding her rudeness. She tends to be most rude when she's anxious, and she's anxious because she does need theses shoes.

She doesn't deserve or need any shoes if all she gave was a sulky sorry.

Sounds like you’re excusing her behaviour.

If she genuinely needs some shoes clearly you don’t want her to go without, so you could reiterate that you were unimpressed with her behaviour but pay for shoes.

At that age she could have a clothing/shoes allowance to manage herself.

If you buy her those shoes you are rewarding her behaviour. I'd wait a couple of weeks, take her shopping again and see if she asks nicely this time. If the shoes she wanted are now sold out then it's a lesson learned that had she been nice the first time she would have got what she wanted.

Is she aware that her anxiety makes her rude? She sounds similar to my son.
He often gets anxious whilst shopping. I talk to him about how he was feeling when he was rude, and if he is able to see he was out of order and can link it too anxiety we renegotiate. If he was just rude and being demanding I don't back down.
For him, it feels important to help him make the links and recognise he's feelings. He's really struggled with the impact his hormones has had on his emotions.

How was she rude?

What strategies have you helped her with for when she's anxious?

She needs then. I'd buy them. But I would impress upon her how rudeness gets you nowhere in life. She is still a child and has to learn to manage her emotions and anxiety but withholding something she actually needs is not the way to do it IMO and makes you as childish and sully as her.

Communication is the key.

Also, how is calling her names and storming off any better? When's he apologising?

DH told her she was behaving like a spoilt brat and walked out of the shop

Not exactly great conduct from an adult, is it. But we're all humans not saints - including your DD - so i'd just buy them for her.

I'd go get the shoes but not tell her. Keep them packed away until she does something nice/ unselfish.

Does she need shoes or not.
Surely you both as parents can be adult in this

Why don’t you talk to her, so she can understand what is expected of her and find out what the underlying problem is if she’s feeling anxious?

Your DH wasn’t modelling great behaviour himself.
Using ‘spoilt’ as an insult is ridiculous. Children don’t spoil themselves.

She’s 14. It’s time to start the transition to adulthood by not treating her as a young child.

If she needs the shoes then she can bloody well earn the money to buy them herself! Entitled little madam!!!!

Why is she anxious about needing a pair of shoes?

I also fail to see how DH was also rude? He walked away from the situation, therefore showing your DD that her kind of behaviour was not acceptable now up for discussion. At 14 she should know better!

GummieBear has it right. They can be awful at this age, but they are dealing with SO much.

As the adults we have to try not to take it personally, remain patient and be rational. That’s our job parenting teens. They generally know they are being awful, and with a bit of space and kindness will work it out and apologise for themselves. If they don’t then they need their emotional intelligence to develop a little further.

Because that’s what is going on, pushing boundaries, acting out. It’s their emotional intelligence maturing. They will fuck up.

Parenting teens is hard in a way that makes sleepless nights, cracked nipples and poo tsunamis look easy.

How was she rude?
It doesn't seem to me to be rude to not explain why you need something when you ask for it.
So I'm wondering whether the way your DD asked merited your DHs response.

Also, shoes are pretty fundamental items. If she actually needs them why would you make her go without? If she needs disciplining I'd find another way than withholding necessary footwear.

Just talk about the whole situation with her. And buy the shoes.

Ime, teenage apologies are always a bit sulky tbh and it's a bit unrealistic to expect them to be fulsome about it!

I would get her the shoes but ask her to do something helpful in the home in return (and possibly more than once) such as making beds for people other then herself, or taking a younger sibling somewhere, or hoovering and mopping the bathroom floor for everyone. And talk to her about being polite.

You see, I think that whole reward and consequences thing becomes less effective when they're in their teens. It's about balancing their desire to be treated as as adult with their terror of actually becoming an adult. So what they need is respect and support. Part of that is setting boundaries but also it's about listening. So I would ask her what's going on and how she's feeling. Now is the time to keep lines of communication open. And I'd buy her the shoes simply because she needs them - it's not a game you have to win.

she's anxious because she does need these shoes

Run that past me again.

So, despite TELLING you she needed the shoes in a rude manner, and DH telling her no, she then proceeded to ask the shop assistant to try them on anyway????? Totally out of order

How was she rude?
She was using the F word and generally talking to us very rudely, telling us to shut up, not speak to her, go away (but still wanting us to get out our debit card )

What strategies have you helped her with for when she's anxious?

None for situations like this. I honestly have no idea what to do when she behaves like this, except stay calm and back away, or help her (for example if she couldn't find something for school in the morning) I've bought her a stress ball and and aromatherapy calming sprays and pulse point thingies which she uses at home.

DH and I have talked about it this morning and she'd refused to eat lunch yesterday so was probably hungry and thirsty without realising it (she doesn't seem to feel hunger) I know this does sound like I'm trying to excuse her behaviour.

As a small child she was always so good at getting things out of DH with a "Daddy you are so kind, please would you buy me this?" So I know she does know how to wrap DH round her little finger.

Re DH walking off, he usually waits outside shops after being in them for 2mins- he finds Lush, PaperChase, etc incredibly boring and would rather stand outside. And she really was being vile.

And him calling her names? That was modelling good behaviour how exactly? Or was that supposed to defuse the situation?

If she was telling you to shut up something must have been said by the two of you? Why are you only sharing her side?

I would speak frankly. Your way of talking wasn't polite, but you need shoes and you will get them because you need them. Nothing to do with asking for them aggressively.
You need get basics for your children because they are your children, regardless how they behave.
At 14 she could start getting allowance that would include her clothing/shoes expenditure. After being explained that she can't spend it as she gets it because she needs to save for more expensive items (winter coat/shoes).
In my opinion dad was behaving the worst. Walking away rather than resolve situation?

An aromatherapy spray isn't really a strategy TBH.

Strategies would be things like - count to 10, take some deep breaths, think 'am I hungry?', 'Can I say this without swearing'

She needs to learn how to get her words out and communicate.