How do I back down from this?

[CrazyHorse]

DD (14yo) asked for a pair of shoes while out shopping. Rudely, without explaining why she wanted/needed them.

DH told her she was behaving like a spoilt brat and walked out of the shop.

DD asked the shop assistant if she could try them on but they didn't have her size.

I had a chat to DD and told her no way would we be buying her anything if she was being so rude to us. I told her to apologise to DH and she offered a sulky "I'm sorry"

Having had time to consider the shoes, I now think she does actually need them. How do I go about buying them for her without rewarding her rudeness. She tends to be most rude when she's anxious, and she's anxious because she does need theses shoes.

I probably would have bought the shoes if they'd had them in her size

So she knows she can treat you anyway she likes and you will give into her demands?

Would you by a friend shoes if they swore at you?

I wouldn’t be buying the shoes however “socially acceptable” they are. There are consequences to behaviour. Swearing at your parents because they don’t buy you fashion shoes is outrageous. You are protecting her and being kind teaching her that this behaviour stops now. Anxiety is not a reason to be abusive.

Think all the criticism of your DH for calling your daughter a spoilt brat is indicative of why children have no manners or respect these days. She was swearing and being rude to her parents for no reasons and he is the one being criticised. If I’m an adult situation or even at school you swear at someone and are rude they are unlikely to react totally calmly. Children need to understand parents aren’t robots and have feelings as well - you can be annoyed and react with negative emotion within reason to clearly rude and horrible behaviour. Sorry just my opinion. Families are real.

I would say that she needs to apologise properly and show you that she knows how to behave and show respect and that if she does that over the next come of weeks, you will consider the shoes. No way would I buy them without that.

*couple

As a previous poster mentioned, teens is very much like going through the toddler stage again.

They are frustrated that they can’t do what they want to do, have what they want, put their feelings into words.

I think you can apply similar strategies to both stages.

Walking away is a recommended tactic, not one that he should be criticised for

It is when he leaves his wife to deal with the situation.

Actually just read that she used the f word towards you. No way would she get the shoes.

How was she rude?
She was using the F word

Talk about drip feed in us, OP!

Maybe she's responding to your interaction style.

She asked to go in the shop.

She asked about the shoes.

Then suddenly you're telling her to calm down and breathe?

Have you realised what you wrote.
She didn't eat or drink. Poor child.
She threw a paddy and then still tried the shoes on. She would have thrown a massive paddy if they had the right size as you admitted you would have bought them . She knew this and planed to walk out the owner of the shoes, except the shop was out of stock.
Daddy walked off, you should have gone with him.
Your now thinking of reasons to buy the shoes.
She won't go bare foot without them you admit.
Do you want to create a monster, as your on the path .
Do not let her have them, be the adult parent.

I agree with PP. Your daughter's behaviour is rude, manipulative and selfish. Unfortunately you are facilitating this by capitulating to her demands. If this is what she's like at 14, how do you think she will be at 18 unless you stop justifying and pandering to her tantrums?

She doesn’t need them. Don’t buy them.
She wasn’t anxious. She was being bloody rude in an attempt to get what she wanted. In that situation you leave. Go home.
Then confiscate phone or whatever consequence you decide on.
Stop excusing her appalling behaviour.

I think it might be helpful to explore the idea that she was anxious because she does need the shoes. Why would that make her anxious? Does she not feel that you will hear her need or is it something else? I think you do need to help her learn skills to manage these strong emotions and insulting and belittling her (which you OH did) is not helpful. As adults you need to model managing strong emotions appropriately and then help her to learn to do the same. If she needs the shoes, I'd get her them BTW. But I'd also look at the bigger picture too - why was she anxious? Why had she not told you both before that she needed shoes? why is your OH even going shopping if he's going to make it clear to everyone that he's bored and they need to hurry up (which I think standing outside communicates)? Why can't he enjoy being with your DD in the shops for at least a while and connect with her doing the things which make sense to her teenage brain? Clearly the way she spoke to you is not OK but simply acting punitively and telling her not to will not move things forward very effectively.

I think it might be helpful to explore the idea that she was anxious because she does need the shoes

Or you could explore the fact the she knew she needed to explode in order to get the shoes (which she would’ve don’t had they got her size)

Tell her to “get a fucking paper run/job in the chippy?” If she wants socially acceptable shoes... primark ones are functional n cost pennies in comparison to the new trendy whatever they weres and they last just as long as the next trend

Yes she’s a teenager and they are devil spawns who push the boundaries as far as they can at every given opportunity but you don’t reward it/stand like a wally in Topshop while little miss f’s n blinds at you.

Having read your updates, and from my own experience, I think a lot of this can be due to being hangry. My DD has angry outbursts when her blood sugar levels are too low. We've tried tweaking her diet so that she has more slow release carbs like oats and eats more protein and cuts down on the doughnut type stuff. (I wouldn't tolerate the f word being used though.)

Also, asHepsibar says, at 14 and 15 yrs, you are at the worst stage of this really. My DD is 16.5 yrs now and although she can still be very "reactive" we are now getting back to the point where we can discuss things relatively calmly ... well...sometimes. When she was 14/15 yrs though, the most banal request would be met with a guaranteed explosion and sometimes you could see she was working up to one without any cause or reason save to let out the inner angst. It was really awful while it was happening, so you have my sympathies.. I found walking away immediately and ignoring to be the best strategy until she could calm down and address me in a more polite way.

Is there something else going on here, possibly?

Because I can’t join the dots between getting anxious because she needs new shoes, and that anxiety being expressed in telling her parents to fuck off repeatedly.

I know whenever someone mentions ASD on a thread like this, there’s an immediate pile on of people saying “OMG, she’s a brat, can no one just be a brat anymore?” but hear me out.

I was talking to a HCP on Friday regarding my DD (who isn’t a teen) and she said that ASD in girls is quite commonly expressed as extreme anxiety, and that the ages of 13-15 are particularly difficult. Difficult for all teens, but especially with ASD.

I just don’t think this is a normal emotional reaction and there’s something else going on.

This isn't anxiety. It is adolescent stroppiness and boundary-pushing bordering on tantrums.

Firstly, I'd take a look at the boundaries you have in place, and remove as many as you possibly can while letting her know that now she has greater freedom, that freedom comes with the responsibility of making the right choices.

Secondly, tell her that you will not tolerate her swearing at you like that, no matter how annoyed she is.

Thirdly, when she is having a good day, have a chat with her and find out what she meant when she told you that "You have no idea what my life is like". I suspect friendship group issues at school. Or possibly boy trouble.

I wouldnt buy them. If they needed them I would find a cheaper alternative and I would get them a week later!

And here we go.. pp bending over backwards to excuse and handhold shitty behaviour.... anxious, hangry and the prize of course ASD!!!!!!!!
And to think I used to think snowflake comments were nasty 🙄🙄🙄

@Haworthia
Effin and demanding is normal teenage behaviour if it’s not nipped in the bud.

*I think it might be helpful to explore the idea that she was anxious because she does need the shoes

Or you could explore the fact the she knew she needed to explode in order to get the shoes (which she would’ve don’t had they got her size)*

It doesn't have to be either/ or. But it is not usual, I think, for children to be anxious because they need shoes and that suggests there is something behind that. Plus what's gone wrong if a child HAS to explode in order to get something their mum says they need?

JKScot, I think you can understand what led to something without excusing it. And if you do so you can then start to work on what will improve things for the future.

Teenagers are almost by definition anxious, self-absorbed and boundary pushing. If such behaviors always need to be diagnosed the nhs will be even more over stretched.