said something awful to my teenager and feel like a shit head

[purpleballetshoes40]

her behaviour for the past few years has been awful and I've just dealt with it as some of it relates to stress. She calls me some awful names, is awful to her little sister and regularly calls me a "f*(king cu)(t
She doesn't lift a finger around the house, never apologises when she's called me a name, throws stuff at me, leaves rubbish where she drops it and says some spiteful awful things to me. She's 16. She regularly says she wishes I was dead and she wouldn't come to the funeral, she hates me, calls me fat and ugly and a c:)nt. I don't think her anxiety is an excuse to call me those names.
Last night she was talking to me about her stress and I was sympathetic but probably sounded a bit distracted as I was putting laundry away. She said I was an utter bitch for not listening properly. She then got a pint glass of water and threw it on the floor, followed by some red paint, which she pour over it. I didn't react as is usual (reacting has absolutely zero effect, she never apologises, backs down or sees what she's done) and because I didn't react, she then knocked my bag on the floor and stamped on it, smashing two new items I'd bought.
I shouted at her and ran upstairs crying, whilst saying that I wish I hadn't had her. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like an utter utter bitch. I apologised, but she said she knows I mean it. I know she behaved hideously, but what I said was worse. I'm the adult here. How can I put this right?

Nothing to add but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely Mum.

@AbiAmber you need to read this it will show you that you arent alone

I would probably tell her that you hope she never has a daughter as vile as her.. What's the matter with you people?

OP, you clearly love your daughter but she seems to have issues beyond the normal teen vileness and you have, understandably, broken under it all, even if only for a moment. Talk to her therapist and see if there is some way for you to get support as well. You are only human and you shouldn't have to endure terrible abuse. Even if she doesn't mean it, the effects are the same. I really feel for you all.

Jesus wept. Some of the comments on here. Yes it's all your fault OP because you don't show her you love her enough

OP - I'd really look at different counselling and maybe more family therapy. I think you need to be open about the abuse and talk to the professionals. She needs to know you will not be abused or bullied anymore. She controls it and is fine at school and with friends. She is terrorising her sister and your dh needs to step up and support you instead of burying his head in the sand.

Her OCD and anxiety may be bad but aren't stopping her from wanting to go to the Prom or filming abusing you and putting it on Snapchat. ( if she did that with anyone else I wonder what would happen?)

If nothing else a line needs to be drawn in the sand because you have another child to think of who shouldn't be bullied and called a fucking cunt.

I'm presuming you cleaned up all the mess?

Stop beating yourself up and stop apologising.
Take her phone off her permanently. There appear to be no consequences to her actions and she knows this.

I'd record her when she's calling you or her little sister a fucking cunt and play it to your counsellor. Stop hiding it and don't be embarrassed. It sounds like you have done everything you can to help her.

In your shoes I'd be considering talking to social services or I'd pack a bag and take your younger daughter away to stay with family and have a break from her and leave her with her dad.

Sorry Frittata it wasn’t advice as such, more what I’d be feeling if that was what my kid was doing to me. OP don’t listen - on the few occasions in my life I’ve been insanely angry I’ve wanted to hurt myself to show how much. Never have done and I’ve always calmed down and felt massive remorse, but I feel it all the same.

There’s probably something wrong with me; intense anger just deadens my feelings.

I think what you said was fair enough considering how she was behaving.

I would not bend over backwards to make her feel loved when she acts like that

It seems odd to me to not respond to someone who trashes the house like she does (throwing water and paint and breaking your stuff) .... I cannot imagine a parent just standing there and taking that

Your response, when you (understandably) cracked was normal. She is the one that needs to apologise imo

You need to get more angry, not grovel

JFC Op I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Of course you'd regret having her. She sounds horrendous. I agree with PP don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.

If she throws it at you look at her and ask why you'd be happy you had her when all she's done is make your life a horrific misery! Tell her 16 down 2 to go and then she'll be on her own with her own misery.

I would have a degree of open-mindedness about the “I have to be mean, it’s my OCD” that you overheard. What did the other side of that conversation sound like, I wonder? Was she boasting about being awful to you and her friend expressed disquiet, so she was pulling it back? Abuse thrives in secrecy and this is abuse. Tell everyone - your counsellor, her counsellor, ideally a family therapist, school...

If she can maintain friendships outside the home then she can presumably act like a decent person when she chooses too. Most likely she acts this way at home because he's discovered that she can with very little consequence. I mean she threw water on the floor, threw paint in the floor and then smashed up the contents of your handbag on the floor, and the end consequence was you making a grovelling apology.

This is perfect

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD

‘You wished you’d never had me’

‘I never wished for a child who abuses me and the rest of the family, who is aggressive and rude, who breaks things purposely, who uses emotional blackmail, and who uses me as a punchbag. A child who demands absolute submission and who ridicules us to their ‘friends’. This is what I never wished for.’

And then highlight her good qualities and explain what you did wish for how she is clever, and funny and good at x y z.

But make it clear she’s on thin ice

Yes sorry I would have added the good bits too! You need to to cool and calm. Earlier said than done.

Does she actually have good points?
The Op is in an abusive home. The Daughter is abusing her.

Everybody has their limits OP. Her behaviour is abnormal and appalling, I'm so sorry you have to endure this toxic relationship.

She's abusive and there's no bloody way you should be paying for her to go to prom

It’s hard.
I was called that name for many years by my STBXH, it’s the pits, he would say that he used it as he knew I hated it!?

I have had similar issues ( not swearing) with my daughter. If I say something I shouldn’t I apologise there and then. If she answers back, and usually does, I don’t say anything. I leave her alone for at least a few minutes to calm down.
Then I tell her this: there will be times in your life that you (or I) do something that I do not like or understand, but, I will always love you.always. But, if you keep pushing me away that will be harder, but it won’t stop me from loving you. Always.
Then I leave her alone. This usually brings an apology and a discussion about what’s really bothering her ! She’s also 16.

I hope this helps you both, good luck!

OP I’ve involved SS with my younger DD, because she was abusing me, but more importantly, my eldest DD. My eldest started to withdraw from family life, she became very quiet and withdrawn, wouldn’t talk to me or anyone, school also commented. As a result my youngest DD now lives with my ex during the week to give my eldest some restbite (and me tbh). It’s worked wonders for my eldest who, for the first time in years, I’m starting to get a relationship back with. She’s engaging, happy and talks about friends and what’s happening in her life. Don’t downplay the affect this will be having on other family members ... SS have been great as have family services, she’s now under CHAMS and seeing a paediatrician

Hi OP I’ve just joined MN specifically to post here as I am in the exact same situation. For us it is the OCD which creates all the problems and this is why I felt the need to post because I felt many of the responses have not taken account of how difficult it is living with a family member with ocd. I’m not sure how bad your daughters ocd is, my daughter is better than she was a year ago when we had the verbal abuse, damaging things in the house, complete disrespect. We are also in the middle of GCSE’s and it’s a stressful time on top of the ocd. Anyway our approach to helping and easing the ocd has been to always be positive, explain briefly that the verbal abuse is unacceptable but not go on about it, we cleared up any damage to the house without any fuss and let her know very clearly that we would always be there for her no matter what. Giving her reassurance and trying to build her resilience. In order to do this I needed to start looking after myself too so I started going to mindfulness self appreciation classes, these really helped. And I started booking in treats like the theatre, spa days etc to keep me going and give me some positivity. We will get through this I’m sure, it’s just the approach is significantly different when dealing with an ocd teenager. Threatening and punishing only makes things worse imo. I really hope things improve for you both, hopefully when these GCSE’s are over they can relax and some of the stress will be alleviated. Hth

She sounds horrendous.

I'd wish I'd never had her too.

I think your reaction is truly minor.

I'd be making it clear that she will be finding a new home at 16, if that's the legal age. Dd2 has the right to a peaceful home so for that reason she would have to leave. No regrets either

I am often appalled by how many threads there are on here about teenagers verbally abusing their parents, telling them to 'fuck off' and calling them disgusting names.
Teenagers are hard work (I know as I have one) but for a relationship to hit rock bottom in this way something has gone seriously wrong somewhere. I am not saying it's anyone's fault but you can't let this continue, for the sake of everyone in the family you need some intervention.
In all honesty I think you need help - as a family - some family therapy or counselling as if your daughter continues in this way she is going to continue to be abusive towards other people she is in relationships with later in life.
Don't waste time feeling guilty about what you said - and don't feed her drama by apologising to her! She needs to learn she doesn't get an emotional reaction from you by behaving in this way.

Your situation isn't simple so I'm not going to suggest simple solutions.

My only suggestion is that ... you are rewarding her by having big reactions. She is demanding attention as riotously as any willful toddler. Did you cry lots more b/c you said something horrible or b/c she is being horrible? One simple emotion-free apology from you would have sufficed. That's all you need to remove your guilt for a single harsh remark which she rather deserved.

glossed over how bad she is. I think I'm ashamed that this is happening and feel that I should know how to fix this. It's embarrassing to tell a counsellor that my dd is an utter utter brat.

Please don't feel ashamed, parenting is tough. That said, you need to get your pride out of the way; problems don't get fixed if we let them fester.

And I know your daughter is seeing a therapist but it would seem to me the whole family need to be involved. And any siblings any also need to talk to someone about it all.

I'm sorry but she sounds awful. I would have said worse and meant it. She needs a reality check. If you have the funds maybe consider sending her to American boot camp? They work miracles with angry abusive teens.

thanks everyone for your replies. I've read them all and printed them out. There have been some really helpful comments here. It's especially helpful to hear from parents going through similar. Makes me feel less alone. Thankyou!