said something awful to my teenager and feel like a shit head

[purpleballetshoes40]

her behaviour for the past few years has been awful and I've just dealt with it as some of it relates to stress. She calls me some awful names, is awful to her little sister and regularly calls me a "f*(king cu)(t
She doesn't lift a finger around the house, never apologises when she's called me a name, throws stuff at me, leaves rubbish where she drops it and says some spiteful awful things to me. She's 16. She regularly says she wishes I was dead and she wouldn't come to the funeral, she hates me, calls me fat and ugly and a c:)nt. I don't think her anxiety is an excuse to call me those names.
Last night she was talking to me about her stress and I was sympathetic but probably sounded a bit distracted as I was putting laundry away. She said I was an utter bitch for not listening properly. She then got a pint glass of water and threw it on the floor, followed by some red paint, which she pour over it. I didn't react as is usual (reacting has absolutely zero effect, she never apologises, backs down or sees what she's done) and because I didn't react, she then knocked my bag on the floor and stamped on it, smashing two new items I'd bought.
I shouted at her and ran upstairs crying, whilst saying that I wish I hadn't had her. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like an utter utter bitch. I apologised, but she said she knows I mean it. I know she behaved hideously, but what I said was worse. I'm the adult here. How can I put this right?

Good god, can posters stop with the "I'd just beat her up" stuff please?

OP I have a dd who has anxiety and gets stressed very easily She does not however call me names or doesnt do chores as she understands this is not something her dad and i would accept or tolerate. You tolerate it. You need to still parent her and make limits. It is not her choice to not do chores.. Keep a clear chore chart of what needs to be done by who . She films you on snap chat and you do not approve of it.. Phone of not back until she has earned it back.. She claims she doesnt care?? She will if you keep that phone for a week- a month.. Anxiety and stress does not = you get to behave entitled and horrific.

For starters here I would tell her firmly you expect an appology for how she spoke to you.. Do not ask for one tell her " I expect you to give me a sincere apology for how you spoke to me yesterday" Do not get drawn into any discussion about it. If she states you said x I would go with the very helpful comment up thread of stating you wished you did not have a child who behaved like she does and you stand by that" She pushes it.." I apologised to you that is not what we are talking about I am talking about YOUR behaviour. She claims she wont do so. Walk away Disengage and simply repeat over and over what your expectations are.. Do not get drawn into an argument do not get guilted because you feel you did something wrong.. Be clear about what you expect from her and get backing from your dh..

Don't short change yourself you are worth as much as she is.

Stop giving her money to socialise etc - make her go and get a job and buy it all herself.

Take away her phone. Permanently. Take away her nice things.

Ground her.

I think you are probably letting her away with too much. Time to toughen up and get stricter.

thanks for the replies. I name changed so I could get it all out because I'm sick of pretending (apart from with one friend who has had very similar and totally gets it) that it's not happening. The poster who said I've been in denial about it is kind of right. But at the same time, every single approach I've tried has failed. If I'd behaved like this with my Mum she would've thrown me across the room. I don't want to do that, but the temptation to slap her when she's being vile is great. I've never so much as smacked her. My Mum would've walloped me if I'd called her a cu^&

Have you tried asking her direct questions about what's causing this? Just might be interesting what you hear in reply. I'd probably volunteer some of these if it was me:

"Has something happened to you to make you hate me this much?"
"Why do you want to hurt me so much?"
"Are you trying to make me kill myself?"
"Are you scared about anything?"
"Are you prepared for the life you're building for yourself? Because honestly you've caused me so much pain I think I'm dead to feeling - I'd be happy to let you leave and go entirely your own way."

I had horrendous times with my teenage son (eg came home one day to find he was just about to light a homemade Molotov cocktail in our tiny garden!) and the first thing to remember is this will NOT last forever. Eventually things will change. My advice is:

1. Be vigilant in guarding your younger daughter from the worst effects of her sister's behaviour, but don't show favouritism. Encourage her to tell her elder sister she loves her - she needs to hear it from as many people as possible.

1. Challenge your daughter's assertions that you don't love her EVERY SINGLE TIME. "That's not true. I'm disappointed in how you behave sometimes, but, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU and want you to have a happy life."

1. Don't treat your daughter like one of your troubled teen clients - this may be part of the problem, and she can tell when you try to handle her using professional tactics.

1. Make it clear you are angry and her behaviour is unacceptable and try to think of sanctions you can and will enforce. How about: "If you deliberately damage things, I will take your phone away. If you don't apologise and tidy up the mess afterwards once you've calmed down, I will give it to a charity shop."

1. She sounds like she's being abused or bullied. Are you 100% certain this isn't the case? You said she had stress - remind her that doesn't give her the right to make everyone else feel as unhappy as she is.

1. "I can't ground her as she doesn't go out." Red Flag! - what, at 16, with friends she talks to on the phone? This is much more than just a bit of stress. Why doesn't she go out? Does she literally never leave the house or just not go out socialising?

1. Consider whether her bedroom could do with a makeover to a more adult look (absolute NO to black decor, but you could compromise on deep blue). She might trash it out of anger, but she might love it, and it might make her feel she has a calm safe space to hide.

1. Then add a bolt on the outside of the door... just kidding!!

You are likely to know more than us about the provision with your local authority. I would like to say however generally there is support for homeless 16 year olds and she won't be left on the street if you did decide she could no longer live with you.
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/homeless_help_your_situation_-_16_and_17_year_olds
Link to shelter above.

I do not think anyone would blame you if you did choose to go down this path. It isn't an easy decision by any means but sometimes it is the making of them.

Good luck whatever you decide to do but remember you don't deserve her behaviour and neither does dd2

How about family therapy? That way you’ll not be wasting money on her going “poor me” for an hour once a week. Because at this stage what she needs is boundaries. And you do too.

Stop all money immediately: she earns what she spends.
Stop counselling for her for the moment. YOU go WITH your DH to figure out how to manage this.
"I do not react well to abusive people" should get repeated a lot.
"I regret having a child who thinks it ok to XXX" - repeat a lot.
Try to find somewhere for her to work with animals where she can have an uncomplicated relationship but also where they depend on her.
Work on her like a project. Try to become a LITTLE detached and observe. You have the training but the understandable emotions it will be difficult to access it.

The very best of luck op. Extremely difficult situation that can swallow you whole.

But at the same time, every single approach I've tried has failed.

That sounds quite inconsistent which can feel very unstable to a child/teenager. Have you discussed with a GP the possibility of her having a Personality Disorder?

Talk to her calmly and say you realise you are incompatible but you've had enough and she ought to think seriously about moving out. Even if you don't mean it. Might be a wake up call for her.

I don’t have any helpful advice, just wanted to add my sympathetic voice. You have obviously been a loving parent. Our children are themselves, not every horrible thing they do or say is our fault.
I agree with the pp who said that she is directing all her internal anger at you. Why is she so very angry, hormonal problems, bullying, are the other girls in school proper friends to her ?
How is her school work ?
Is she interested in boys yet, or could she be struggling with her sexuality ? She must be very unhappy and very angry to be like this with you.
Or could she have a personality disorder ? The lack of empathy is worrying . My eldest is 14 and the other night she was very selfish and unkind about a change of plan that could not be helped. She apologised to DH and I the next day, and had obviously thought about it. The lack of remorse or guilt in your daughter could be indicative of a personality disorder.
Does she ever apologise ? Is she loving with you ever ?
I really feel for you OP. I don’t think you should feel bad for what you said at all, I think you have shown incredible strength and restraint.
Do look after yourself in all this.
I really hope things improve as she gets toward adulthood.

Also - I would totally style out the “I wish I’d never had you”. Don’t apologise again or - better - say “I’ve been thinking and I take back my apology. You are bullying me in my own home and while I would lay down my life if you were in danger, I would be doing a crap job as your mother if I didn’t make it clear how disgusting your behaviour has been. If you treated someone else like that they’d call the police. You are being abusive and it’s going to stop.”

don't want to drip feed, but she's had OCD related to anxiety for years. I'm honestly not sure what caused it. I'm pretty certain there's no abuse or bullying. She's very very popular with her friends and has lots of them. She tells me everything she's pissed off and angry about or if someone has mistreated her, so if there was abuse going on somewhere, I'm fairly certain I would know. I exaggerated slightly when I said she NEVER goes out. She rarely goes out. She goes to school and goes out when she absolutely needs to, (prom dress fitting, counselling appointments etc) but she doesnt go out at other times. That's mostly because of GCSE revision at the moment, which has heightened the stress. She chats to her friends on her phone when at home. She said something interesting the other day on the phone to a friend. Its connected to the OCD. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but adds a new dimension to it. She told her friend that the last time she was 'nice' and getting on with me, she got ill (she's scared of dirt and germs) and now thinks it's 'bad luck' to be nice as she'll get ill again. She's having CBT for the OCD. I think that because her behaviour can be partially attributed to mental health issues, I've not been vigilant enough. I've let some things slide because I'm actually quite scared of her. My other children respond to consequences and rules, but she just doesnt.

I think it does no harm to have boundaries, consequences for unacceptable behaviour, and no tolerance for violence.
You have a very small window now to sort this out. Would she come to family therapy? Why do you think it started?
She probably will grow out of it and become human again, but it could be a while. Or she can leave home next year. Anyone she can stay with meantime?

Are you still paying for her to go to prom after how she's behaved ?

Personality disorder? For the love of god! First of all children are not diagnosed with personality disorders. This is because their personalities are still developing.

This is not true. Teenagers can have and do get diagnosed with BPD and other PDs, as well as other MH problems.

She told her friend that the last time she was 'nice' and getting on with me, she got ill (she's scared of dirt and germs) and now thinks it's 'bad luck' to be nice as she'll get ill again.

Gosh, that is very telling. What a terrible lot she must have going on in her head. Is she having counselling AND CBT?

Prom and dress paid for months ago. I probably should refuse to let her go, but can imagine it unleashing hell (when I remove iPad it unleashes a 6 hour tirade, no exaggeration)
I know that this is no way to live. I know that things need to change.

I'd have shown her the door and told her she could come back when she can show some respect.

" and now thinks it's 'bad luck' to be nice as she'll get ill again."

Wow!

Even so, there's a whole heap of bevaiour between not being nice & being downright nasty.

Teach her to treat people the way she’d like to be treated and ask her how she would like to be treated in the way that she treats you. You don’t hate her; you hate her behaviour - very different. If you want the softly, softly approach: when she is vile, turn your back and refuse to communicate (including eye contact) until she speaks to you properly. She currently has all the power and knows which buttons to push to get you to react. Take that power (your usual response) away from her and change the dynamic. It’ll be hell on wheels to start with as she’ll try more and more extreme measures but if she can’t achieve your usual predictable response she will be forced to try it your way. Stay strong; no one should have to put up with this situation, OCD, anxiety or not. Very best of luck to you.

Is she facing any consequences for her behaviour or are you afraid she will 'unleash hell' if you do ?

Would family counselling help, OP? she does sound like she has deep seated issues if she genuinely believes things will go wrong for her if she is nice to you. But that can't mean that you have to be subjected to daily abuse. Odd that she can't be nice to you but she can to every one else though.

I work in mental health and I can assure you that it would be an emerging personality disorder that would be talked about. Nothing the op has said looks like personality disorder to me. And it’s not helpful to use that language to a mother who is already having a hard time. We don’t know all the facts. It might be more helpful to support the op by avoiding planting unnecessary seeds.

I had some of this with one of my daughter's.
The day after her 16th birthday I told her it stopped. She was free to leave home and support herself. I wasn't putting up with it any more. She changed.