said something awful to my teenager and feel like a shit head

[purpleballetshoes40]

her behaviour for the past few years has been awful and I've just dealt with it as some of it relates to stress. She calls me some awful names, is awful to her little sister and regularly calls me a "f*(king cu)(t
She doesn't lift a finger around the house, never apologises when she's called me a name, throws stuff at me, leaves rubbish where she drops it and says some spiteful awful things to me. She's 16. She regularly says she wishes I was dead and she wouldn't come to the funeral, she hates me, calls me fat and ugly and a c:)nt. I don't think her anxiety is an excuse to call me those names.
Last night she was talking to me about her stress and I was sympathetic but probably sounded a bit distracted as I was putting laundry away. She said I was an utter bitch for not listening properly. She then got a pint glass of water and threw it on the floor, followed by some red paint, which she pour over it. I didn't react as is usual (reacting has absolutely zero effect, she never apologises, backs down or sees what she's done) and because I didn't react, she then knocked my bag on the floor and stamped on it, smashing two new items I'd bought.
I shouted at her and ran upstairs crying, whilst saying that I wish I hadn't had her. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like an utter utter bitch. I apologised, but she said she knows I mean it. I know she behaved hideously, but what I said was worse. I'm the adult here. How can I put this right?

My Dd was like this at 15/16. Called me same names, anxious and her dad (my dh) had had enough. I lost it one night, screamed at her what she'd screamed at me a few nights before. Basically i told her "I hope you die" an inch from her face. The look of fear on her face will never leave me. I told her at the time she was abusing me and if I was married to her I would have left. Also, I had lost a stone in weight and that I was breaking. She got cahms help, we called SS who almost took her away but gave us loads of help, including parenting classes. If I had my time again I would still call them. It took two years for her to apologise for her behaviour, heartfelt and sincere. She's in a much better place and copes well with life. When I look back I am surprised I didn't lose it more often, I was broken. Be kind to yourself and find help would be my advice.

I'd leave a webpage open 'accidentally' showing search results for camps for naughty teenagers.

If she realises that you're not threatening yo send her anywhere, you're just going to do it. My guess is that she will freak out and pack it in.

She sounds like a horrible little cow.

I have no tolerance for nasty, spiteful teenagers.

Do not feel bad OP, stop apologising to her. Essentially she’s pushed you to your limit now.

Regarding consequences, remove her iPad, if she wants to tirade, leave the house, if she trashes the house, call the police. You need to start playing hardball with her now. If she thinks being nice to you will cause her to be ill, then she can work this through with her cbt, tell her she doesn’t need to be nice to you, but she does have to stop the abuse, which is exactly what she is doing, she’s abusing you

Tell her the prom dress is going on eBay unless she makes some drastic changes

To add to my post, contact social services for help, they can involve family services as an emergency measure to help. My dd is 7 and has been abusing me and her sibling in similar, age appropriately, since she was 2. Ss and family services have been a big help

Can you speak to your dd's CAMHs worker to let them know how things are at home and ask if they offer any parent support on how to manage at home and support the CBT between sessions. Are their any carers charities around you that could help you separate what is possibly mental health driven behaviour and what is horrible teenage behaviour? Can you ask CAMhs for family therapy so everyone in the family has a voice? You need some red lines that no matter what is driving the behaviour these are not acceptable and stick to them. Carers support might allow you to have a non judgemental space to off load onto.

I'm sorry things are so horrible at home.

I think you do need some therapy yourself, wht you have been going through is exhausting and you need a safe space to let these feelings out

I would apologise one last time but I would say that at that moment that is how you felt, that of course you dont today and you love her but that you do not have an endless well of patience and that you are going to ensure that from now other family members are also important in the house. And I think you'll need to follow though. She sounds terribly sad and unwell but that cannot impact on everyone else all the time to their detriment.

I really feel for you, sometimes it's worse when you know "the right way" to do things because it's of course harder to put things into practice with loved ones and then you get to feel guilty on top of everything else!

Well if that has been going on for 4yrs, you have clearly reached the end of your tether...... Turn it back on her, she wishes you were dead and has told you it more than once!!! Sounds like she needs a quick sharp shock.... The world does not revolve around her

You finally snapped and I don’t blame you. I’ve never had a teenager, but I know if I did even 10 percent of that to my mother she would have skinned me alive. Anxiety and depression is not an excuse to behave like this and she is old enough to have her impulses and emotions in much much much better control.

Why can she talk to you like shit but you can’t have a breaking point?
From your post it sounds like she can get away with it because when you snap it’s followed by grovelling apologies and tears etc
I’d be honest and tell her that you don’t like her behaviour and won’t put up with it. Take away everything from WiFi password to phone if you have to and make sure she knows respecting you and your home will get her things back.
When I was a kid my dad took everything off me, everything he bought for me he took back. I had a mattress and a blanket. I earned everything back and was never cheeky to him again!

She told her friend that the last time she was 'nice' and getting on with me, she got ill (she's scared of dirt and germs) and now thinks it's 'bad luck' to be nice as she'll get ill again. She's having CBT for the OCD.

That sounds horrific.

I've been trying to imagine feeling like you have to be horrible to the people you love most or something bad will happen.

OP, forget punishments. There's no point in trying to manage this as bad behaviour. Your DD needs CAMHS to help her with this.

It sounds like her OCD is causing her huge problems. She's clearly terribly unhappy and emotionally extremely fragile. Her self-esteem is in tatters so she believes you when you say the kind of things she says to you.

Do you have any opportunity to communicate with the practitioner working with her on the CBT? They really need to know about this.

When you talk to her, say:

‘I did not mean I wish I never had you, I meant I wish I’d never had a child who behaved like this, and who wishes me dead’.

If she is calm, ask her what she needs to have a non volatile relationship with you, what could you be doing better etc. I know it sounds like by saying that you are seemingly admitting you are to blame - but you are passing the ball back to her. I did this with my 15 y/o daughter and it really helped. I was amazed by her response, and in part (tiny however) I did too have to change my behaviour towards her.

So I'm guessing the confrontation needed could be:

You: Dd what i said was in the heat of the moment.
Dd: I don't believe you....
You: but you constantly say you wish i was dead.....
Dd: yeah but i don't mean it

You: well if it has actually hurt you, then you will now how i feel every single day with your outbursts...... Grow up.......

And just walk away..... Don't engage... Let her ponder.....

If she continues, pack her a bag and tell her she's no longer welcome in the house until she can be calm and rational. Your not putting up with it anymore.....go find some other family to pick on. Be calm, keep repeating and talk over her until you have packed some essentials and got her to the front door.

@EugenesAxe - this is the worst advice I have ever read on mumsnet. OP, do not follow the advice to ask the following questions.

'Are you trying to make me kill myself?"*

"Are you prepared for the life you're building for yourself? Because honestly you've caused me so much pain I think I'm dead to feeling - I'd be happy to let you leave and go entirely your own way."

She playing something out on you and you need to get to the.bottom of why, rather than beating her up or punishment alone.

*Personality disorder? For the love of god! First of all children are not diagnosed with personality disorders. This is because their personalities are still developing.

This is not true. Teenagers can have and do get diagnosed with BPD and other PDs, as well as other MH problems.*

Only adults can be diagnosed with PD. Also BPD is rarely used these days, it's EUPD that is commonly used. It's very rare for CAMHS to definitively diagnose anything mh related usually only neuro developmental conditions. If your daughter is being seen in CAMHS then they will be working on a formulation which tries to identify the factors the led to and keep the problems going, in which case it's really important you feed into that process and help her to understand that the current situation is unsustainable. Family therapy would be ideal.

Poor you, adolescents can be awful and we all end up doing things to keep the peace that are self defeating longer term.

Haven't RTFT but great advice from @Goldmandra

Most of the advice on this thread is terrible. OP, please get professional help as some of this stuff suggested may make things worse.

7. Consider whether her bedroom could do with a makeover to a more adult look (absolute NO to black decor, but you could compromise on deep blue). She might trash it out of anger, but she might love it, and it might make her feel she has a calm safe space to hide.

There is absolutely no way I would reward her atrocious behaviour with a newly decorated bedroom...

@scratchyfluffface I would agree with you, IF I thought she was just being badly-behaved. I don't - I think this is a cry for help. Something is wrong.

I would probably tell her that you hope she never has a daughter as vile as her. I would have stopped buying her anything and taken her things off her by now. Thinking that something bad will happen to her if she is nice to you is ridiculous, she doesn't have to be abusive, even is she does actually believe that.

And I think the daughter is more of a suicide risk than the OP. She needs to be loved. Now.

Op. This must be horrible for you and for your poor dd2 as well, having to live with this. I think it really is professional help that you need, and if things really don’t improve it may well be that she does have to leave. I’ve been beating myself up too today for something I said to ds2 yesterday in the heat of an argument. No real advice, just a virtual hug from one mum to another.

Oh OP

Have some posters missed the fact that she is getting professional help?

I wish I had some advice but all I can give is sympathy and say that your husband needs to step up here and stop leaving it all to you.

So many kids don't have any respect these days. What's going wrong? Or does it just seem there are so many because there's the internet know and we hear about it more rather than there actually being more disrespect? Although I'd never have dreamt of using that language at her age, or now to my mother. I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week, and the rest of my family would have come down on me like a ton of bricks.

thanks for all the advice. Can I just say loud and clear that she is very very loved, knows she's loved and is told that daily. We don't get affection or love back in return, but we give it in large, unconditional helpings.

Op, when I was 15, a psychiatric nurse on the ward I was on told my parents I just needed to be loved. They argued I WAS loved. They didn't understand. It took me decades to realise I didn't FEEL loved. Could this be the case with your dd? Knowing and feeling are so different.