said something awful to my teenager and feel like a shit head

[purpleballetshoes40]

her behaviour for the past few years has been awful and I've just dealt with it as some of it relates to stress. She calls me some awful names, is awful to her little sister and regularly calls me a "f*(king cu)(t
She doesn't lift a finger around the house, never apologises when she's called me a name, throws stuff at me, leaves rubbish where she drops it and says some spiteful awful things to me. She's 16. She regularly says she wishes I was dead and she wouldn't come to the funeral, she hates me, calls me fat and ugly and a c:)nt. I don't think her anxiety is an excuse to call me those names.
Last night she was talking to me about her stress and I was sympathetic but probably sounded a bit distracted as I was putting laundry away. She said I was an utter bitch for not listening properly. She then got a pint glass of water and threw it on the floor, followed by some red paint, which she pour over it. I didn't react as is usual (reacting has absolutely zero effect, she never apologises, backs down or sees what she's done) and because I didn't react, she then knocked my bag on the floor and stamped on it, smashing two new items I'd bought.
I shouted at her and ran upstairs crying, whilst saying that I wish I hadn't had her. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like an utter utter bitch. I apologised, but she said she knows I mean it. I know she behaved hideously, but what I said was worse. I'm the adult here. How can I put this right?

How can you allow a 16 year old child to throw water and paint on the floor? Did you tolerate this when she was a toddler?

If there are no consequences to bad behaviour I'm not surprised shes walking all over you.

'She laughs at me when I'm angry about her behaviour, sometimes films it and sends it to her friends on snapchat'

How does she do this if you take her phone, iPad etc off her? She'll say she doesn't care if you take her phone off her but she will. Keep any privileges off her until she starts communicating appropriately.

I would stop negotiating and reassuring her and tell her firmly and clearly what you expect, until she makes an effort she won't get money or treats. It will be grim but as with a tantrumming toddler you've got to grit your teeth and be persistent.

No advice sorry, I still have the teenage years to come. Just wanted to say please don't feel bad! Your daughter needs to realise what she is doing to you. You sound like a lovely mum.

Do not feel guilty
Her behaviour is extreme and it’s no wonder at all you were pushed to speak out

Do not let her turn this episode into you being wrong and her milking that.

Her initial behaviour sounds truly appalling and she needs to own that not make this about you.

What else can you try? Has she actually had an assessment or just counselling?
If she is ok with friends is she ok at school also? Who gets this side of her? Just you and dad/sister?

Sounds awful Op. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

She sounds absolutely vile OP, I’d be kicking her out

Not sure why people suggest ASD as soon as a teen is being a shit. I have 2 teen dd’s and they don’t act like this, my 15 year old suffers hugely with anxiety but she’s never called me names or chucked water in the floor, she will argue occasionally if she doesn’t want to leave the house but there’s no way she would treat me like OP’s dd is treating her.

If my 15 year old was to call me a cunt or say “I wish you were dead” then I would refuse to do a thing for her, see how she copes looking after herself, do her own washing, cooking and find her own way to friends houses and activities, there would be no pocket money (she can get a job and pay for her own things). I know it’s easy for people to say what they would do in your situation OP but it’s got to a point where your life is miserable and something needs to be done to change it.

So, who cleaned up the mess & who will be replacing the broken items?

If she keeps saying that you wished you hadn't had her I'd be saying yes of course-when you are throwing water & paint about, deliberately breaking my things & calling me an utter bitch.

She sounds utterly out of control.

Did something specific happen when she was 12 that triggered all this? Did it start suddenly?

I was wondering this.

I'm not trying to make excuses for her (I couldn't cope with what you are experiencing from her), but is there a chance that is was /is being bullied or abused? Has she friends?

Awful situation for you all - she can't be any happier than you are if she is lashing out like this, but you can't all go on being bullied by her horrible behaviour.

Do you think she might have a Personality Disorder, @purpleballetshoes40? She sounds completely lacking in both empathy and the ability to think before speaking/acting. All teens go through a self-centred phase but not to this extent. Can you think of anything that might have happened around 12 to trigger this behaviour?

It must be exhausting for you and I agree with Watcher about being quite matter of fact and saying that you’re sure she understands what it’s like to say upsetting things under stress.

I don’t think the “not reacting” is working at this stage - my Mother was abusive and my Dad just ignored me. When I was very het up as a teenager I just wanted my Dad to notice me in any way so I had to resort to ever more desperate measures to get his attention. I’m not saying you & your DH are like that at all but the water and paint throwing scream “NOTICE ME PLEASE” which could be why she smashed your bag.

Do you think she might need medication and more intensive therapy?

And tbh if my DD called me "See You Next Tuesday" sh'ed get her head in her hands to play with (as we say in t'North).

It's a horrible situation for you to be in - just horrible.

Sorry but everybody has a breaking point. Of course stuff like this would really upset you, but..you can only take too much and it sounds like she is utter hell to live with, so snapping on occasion is totally understandable. No advice for how to deal with the behaviour though, we have a very similar issue right now. Teenagers are generally awful awful people it seems. I often apologize to my parents for ever BEING a teenager fullstop

I agree with PPs. You reached the end of your tether. YY she will try to use it against you but don't let her. It's typically abusive behaviour to expect you to put up with everything they say to you then act shocked if you respond in a similar way.
You've apologised. It's done.
What were the consequences for what she did? ie throwing water and paint; trashing your bag; breaking your belongings; speak to you the way she did? If you feel you can't impose consequences because you feel as though you've lost the moral high ground you haven't imo then get your DH to impose them.
Also consider counselling or a support group for you.

OP I feel your pain. I have just read some of that out to DD16 and have had to stop as about to trigger another meltdown. I was asking Health visitor for advice when she was 8 as anger uncontrollable. Not much has changed but she usually calms quite quickly and apologises which is something. My biggest fear is that she will treat any future partner like this and destroy him. DD is 6'3" so also a bit scary when really would up. GCSE stress is not helping at the moment. My husband also avoids any drama as hates confrontation. Any time I say anything to her about anything she might see as negative she responds along the lines of ' you only say that because you are fat and sad' !! I have also had, I hope you die in the night and when I have children we will have no contact with you. However, when she is in a better mood we are told how lucky she is to have such amazing parents etc. Such a rollercoaster. Hugs and wisdom.

Don’t beat yourself up. After that sort of behaviour I’d be regretting her birth too.

I wouldn't feel bad, OP, we all have our breaking point, sounds like you reached yours. I have two teens playing up at the moment and myself and my husband reached breaking point two weeks ago. After an awful night (the third in the row) of screaming rows we told the pair of them that if they didn't learn to be a bit more considerate of the people that bend over backwards and give them everything and at least treat us with the same courtesy they treat their fucking friends, they were going to be out the door at 18. We pointed out that we don't actually have to put up with them once they are adults and if they continue to be little shits, they can go and do it in their own place. Kids seem to think that parents HAVE to be their emotional punch bag. We don't. And my daughters are no where near as bad as yours. She is counselling, she is getting help, she doesn't have the right to use you as a punch bag in any way shape or form. And if I was putting up with such verbal abuse I would have slapped the head off her!

Teenagers are tricky, her words and horrific behaviour aren’t about you! You’re the closest person to her so she’s taking it out on you! It’s not ok, of course not, but reacting to her in that way also doesn’t help! Honest talk and apology would be my way forward

He pretty much avoids her now as she's so volatile and unpleasant to be around.

So your DH has opted out then? How helpful. 🙄

Why is she behaving like this? You mention stress, but that’s a very vague term. I have two teenagers and if either of them was behaving like this I would be asking myself - and them - why? This behaviour has been going on for four years - what was your relationship like before? If her behaviour is as bad as you describe I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to snap back. Actually I’d say you’ve shown remarkable restraint to tolerate it for so long.In your position though I’d want to take get to the bottom of what is prompting this behaviour.

Don't pander to her. The words have been said and as suggested, when she throws it back in your face a million times from now on, you simply throw back a few of her nasty comments at her - ya, childish to play tit for that she needs to know her comments hurt just as much as yours. Though somehow I doubt she's even hurt by what you said but is secretly thrilled to have it as ammunition. She's a downright bitch and both yourself and dd need to get help to move forward. Stop holding back information from counsellor. Tell it all, they can't help if you're not truthful.

Personality disorder? For the love of god! First of all children are not diagnosed with personality disorders. This is because their personalities are still developing. Some children are just difficult. They don’t need to have a diagnosis or a label. Op I feel your pain. Mine is very similar to your child. There are lots of mothers struggling to deal with difficult teenagers. I’m not a big fan of labelling anyone abnormal. There’s a Feb thread with lots of support in teenagers section titled mental health.

Of course you shouldn't have said that, but you have been pushed to the brink. You've had the patience of a saint for so long, you've cracked. You're not a machine.

Her behaviour sounds horrific. This is not merely a result of anxiety. Many teens are anxious and don't abuse their families. I lived in horrendous conditions with an alcoholic mother. I never verbally abused her, ever.

I'd try a different approach. Ignoring bad behaviour may be appropriate for a toddler, but does not seem appropriate for a teenager. Our behaviour is moderated by the reactions of those around us. When we wouldn't choose to behave in an acceptable way, we are shamed into behaving well because we have learned that the alternative will attract the disgust of our community. If my teen behaved like this I would be disgusted and I would absolutely show it using every fibre of my body. She is going along as if what she's doing is nothing much. Why wouldn't she? It's being treated as if it's nothing much.

I was this teenager about 10 years ago! Although maybe not quite as bad. Some hope for you is that mum and I get on really well now I'm an adult. I found that I always lashed out at the ones I loved and needed the most. One day, after having enough of me, Mum just upped and left. I came home from school to dad and asked where Mum was, he simply said "she's gone." That was a huge shock to the system. (Little did I know she had just gone to a hotel for a couple of days). When she came back we communicated for the first time in ages and put a plan in place that helped me move out.

Dont feel bad. She had it coming. She needs a few home truths

Time to stop apologizing and start taking steps to have her move out. She sounds like a deeply unpleasant person. I'd regret having her too.