said something awful to my teenager and feel like a shit head

[purpleballetshoes40]

her behaviour for the past few years has been awful and I've just dealt with it as some of it relates to stress. She calls me some awful names, is awful to her little sister and regularly calls me a "f*(king cu)(t
She doesn't lift a finger around the house, never apologises when she's called me a name, throws stuff at me, leaves rubbish where she drops it and says some spiteful awful things to me. She's 16. She regularly says she wishes I was dead and she wouldn't come to the funeral, she hates me, calls me fat and ugly and a c:)nt. I don't think her anxiety is an excuse to call me those names.
Last night she was talking to me about her stress and I was sympathetic but probably sounded a bit distracted as I was putting laundry away. She said I was an utter bitch for not listening properly. She then got a pint glass of water and threw it on the floor, followed by some red paint, which she pour over it. I didn't react as is usual (reacting has absolutely zero effect, she never apologises, backs down or sees what she's done) and because I didn't react, she then knocked my bag on the floor and stamped on it, smashing two new items I'd bought.
I shouted at her and ran upstairs crying, whilst saying that I wish I hadn't had her. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like an utter utter bitch. I apologised, but she said she knows I mean it. I know she behaved hideously, but what I said was worse. I'm the adult here. How can I put this right?

What's her dad doing then?
I thought you were a single parent from what you have said.

Look after yourself. The next time she explodes I'd check yourself in to a hotel with a pool for 24 hours.

Unfortunately you’ve given her something to use against you for the next 5 years until she’s grown out of this :(

You have nothing to be sorry about, my teen was beyond ghastly
She now has one of her own. Karma in spades 🤣

I would just counter any 'guilt tripping' from her by telling her it's no worse than her saying she wishes you were dead! They're both horrible things to say, but she of all people should understand that you say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment. Remind her that you've been on the receiving end for years.

yeah, that's what I'm afraid of @100percentplease
Her Dad was out last night, so didn't see what happened.
He's sick of her behaviour and has tried pretty much everything to get through to her. He pretty much avoids her now as she's so volatile and unpleasant to be around.

It sounds like she pushed and pushed and doesn't care about the effect her behaviour has on other people. I wouldn't feel guilty as she needs to know the consequences of treating people like shit.

I'd be looking at boarding school for a year or two. It's absolutely unfair that she should make the whole family unhappy and particularly send films of your reaction to friends. That's appalling.

She wants you to be sympathetic to her stress while creating huge stress for you!

Would you consider family therapy?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health

Come on over and join us, it’s onto the second thread where parenting a teen is effecting you MH.

Honestly I’m surprised you’ve managed so long without saying it, she needs to understand that whilst you love her her behaviour is breaking you but you’ve probably got at least 2 years before she starts to heal enough to care. 💐

I've had counseling, but glossed over how bad she is. I think I'm ashamed that this is happening and feel that I should know how to fix this. It's embarrassing to tell a counsellor that my dd is an utter utter brat. She she is. This is the first time I've actually admitted it. It's a relief to just write it all down.

but she is

'I would just counter any 'guilt tripping' from her by telling her it's no worse than her saying she wishes you were dead! They're both horrible things to say, but she of all people should understand that you say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment. Remind her that you've been on the receiving end for years.'

This.

Did something specific happen when she was 12 that triggered all this? Did it start suddenly? Did it come with the onset of physical puberty?

I think family therapy would be a very good idea (including your dh. It's not on for him to avoid her, however difficult her behaviour is. It sends her a very wrong message and leaves you bearing the brunt).

Is she planning to go to university?

I agree that your husband needs to be as involved in this as you are.

Poor you and I feel very sorry for the other children.

I would be pointing out to her that she says things like that to you every day and apparently that’s acceptable, but you do it once and she’s making it the worst thing a person can do. That’s a double standard she should be made aware of.

She clearly needs professional help if this isn’t something you’ve been able to deal with.

I think you need to start reacting as it seems she's ramping up her behaviour to get your attention.

Do not feel bad about what you've said either, she needs to know how her behaviour makes you feel and if it's that awful that you wish you'd never had her then she needs to know that. She can't expect to act like this and everyone still tiptoe around whilst quietly seething inside.

I do feel for your younger daughter though, I grew up with a sister like your daughter and I'm now, even as an adult terrified of confrontation.

Could you look into residential care fir your daughter where they have some sort of behaviour management programme.

She'll now be using this as ammunition in the next row as a further excuse for shitty behaviour 'but you said that you wish you never had me!'
Of course she will but the answer is 'I wish I never had a child who thought it was ok to be rude, nasty and abusive, who wants one if them!'

I really wouldn't sweat to much about who said what but look at the long term on how the relationship can be repaired and why her behaviour is so extreme.

I'm wondering if you should turn it around and instead of being angry, be upset and tell her how much she is hurting you etc - it may not work, but the anger is breeding anger (not easy not to do I understand) - just try to show her your pain, not anger

I've had counseling, but glossed over how bad she is. I think I'm ashamed that this is happening and feel that I should know how to fix this. It's embarrassing to tell a counsellor that my dd is an utter utter brat. She she is.
Youve short changed yourself although I understand why.
A councillor would have heard a lot worse. Is it possible to get referred again.

My parents had terrible trouble with my sister and sought help, she went into a residential unit for behavioural difficulties and it worked wonders.
She was there for 9 months altogether but had home visits by earning them.
I'd probably see your GO for some kind of referral to social services? I have to say this was many years ago but I assume (hope) such help still exists.

‘You wished you’d never had me’

‘I never wished for a child who abuses me and the rest of the family, who is aggressive and rude, who breaks things purposely, who uses emotional blackmail, and who uses me as a punchbag. A child who demands absolute submission and who ridicules us to their ‘friends’. This is what I never wished for.’

You're not really doing anyone any good by being in denial.

To be honest if I'd given birth to my abuser I'd be thinking the bloody same. Anxiety or no anxiety.