Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Outrage here too, and fights like we haven’t seen for weeks. Must school be so stressful? I really want to keep some fun in our lives but ds is already hunkered down into screen slump and refusing to engage in anything else. If I left him be all day long at least he’d have fewer tantrums!

I'm so ready for tomorrow IF ds goes into school . He refused on the first day (Wednesday) but the pastoral support worker visited us at home and was brilliant.
The summer break was really tough with his behaviour and I need to give my time and energy to other family members as everything was on hold for 7 weeks

Slight name change my previous name would not let me post was mcmen71

Hope everyone is doing ok and teenagers have settled back to school

Shaky start for my daughter to sixth form. Also her skin has flared up so she is very upset about that. On the upside, she did get a job over the Summer and worked all Saturday then had babysitting in the evening.

Hope everyone else is 'holding on'.

Hello PoTs!

Original op here just checking back in after two months away travelling/studying/renovating.

Hope everyone has had as good a summer as possible and the return to school/work has not been too onerous for you and for all the teens ; I'm afraid I havent been able to scroll back and catch up properly with the thread as yet because I am still in quite a remote location with dodgy internet coverage. (DD is back at home with dh and she has started back to school. I will be joining them end of next week when I hope to be able to read the thread in full and catch up with everyone's news!) Great to see the PoT club is still going strong and has lots of newcomers!

Just noticed that thread is at 930 posts. Does everyone want to continue on to another one? If so, would anyone else like to set it up? What would everyone like to do?

Last but not least, I've scrolled back enough to notice that McMen17 has been responding to a lot of posts in my absence so thank you to her and to anyone else who has contributed to running of thread/offering advice etc . It's knowing that others are going through similar things that keeps us all going I think!

Overall the summer wasn't as bad as I had been anticipating; dd had some massive meltdowns at the beginning and end of the holidays (saying some awful things as usual but apologising profusely afterwards) but in between wasn't too bad! We arranged it that she spent time with different extended family members and we went on separate trips with her so that we all got a break from one another at some point!

Looking forward to catching up with everyone!

[Replenishes supplies] in PoT club house.

Hello! We have been thinking of you! Definitely time for an autumn thread- hope your isolated location is peaceful!

At my wits end with DD 17. She was diagnosed with autism in July. She has returned to second year of A levels. She received an ungraded mark in her physics AS level and Sixth-form will not take her onto year two and have offered her to resit year one, which is is refusing. She is adamant that she is capable of continuing with year 2 physics... and talking about moving to another Sixth form or home/online learning.....

She is refusing to consider resitting year 1 and reckons that she will be going to University next year. She hasn't made a start on her personal statement yet, looked into Open Days or registered with UCAS

Any help....

Sounds really tricky @sandwiches77. Does she have a sense of how the autism is affecting her? Could she be clinging to set plans as a defence? Perhaps only school or other authorities can get her to see options realistically at this point.
Today ds told me I deserved a slap . I had asked him if he knew it was nearly time to leave for school. I don’t want to tolerate this stuff- but he also threatens that if I sanction his phone etc he will be so cross he will misbehave at school. And I know he will. I don’t want to mAke his life a misery either. He is of course totally phone-attached and can’t bear to be interrupted. Any suggestions?

@Aramox what age is your ds I was only making things worse for myself by taking the phone from my dd 16 so I allow her hold on to it as long as she does homework and some study each night.
Apparently if you have a bf or gf they like to talk at night to they fall asleep so as long as I can't hear her and she able to get up for school.
My 14 yo dd I get her to leave hers in kitchen at night.

@sandwiches77 hugs to you I don't have any experience with a 17yo yet but just wondering how can she get into second year without passing first year exam.
What are her future plans after uni that she need physics

Sandwiches has the 6th form been made aware of your DD's diagnosis? Are there any moves to get her an EHCP? All of these things should be put in place to help her. However, in my experience with DS the college simply wanted to get their league table place high, and kids with Autism didn't factor into that. He was offrolled partway through the second year, which was the worst of both worlds as it was too late to get him to restart the second year elsewhere. So my advice FWIW would be to get whatever needs to be done sorted out asap while there are still options.

notaflyingmonkey College are aware of diagnosis, no EHCP has been put in place for DD that I've been made aware of. All they have done is given her a support worker who will check in with DD once a week to check if she is on track. But if course that relies on DD appreciating where how she is getting on.

I have tried good and bad cop approach with DD to try and get her to appreciate that she only has a limited amount of time to get this sorted but to no avail. She does not want to retake year 1 and thinks she can just walk into another Sixth form or study at home. She will not listen to any reasoned argument against her point of view and accuses us of not helping her, telling her off or being negative. As a token gesture I did some basic research yesterday into any other local Colleges, but she hasn't looked at it.

She says she feels anxious thinking about it all which I get but doing nothing isn't helping..... sigh

Sounds like she's backed herself into a corner Sandwiches, so whatever you do will be wrong. Tricky but she may need to find a way to resolve this with college rather than you coming up with things.

In my experience, nobody will be pushing to get her an EHCP in place (because... money), but it is essential that you do as it will / should get her needs officially recognised in whatever educational establishment she is in.

notaflyingmonkey DD will not let me contact College without asking her first. I recently did contact them behind her back, College dropped me in it and she flipped 😠 I am sure she will not agree to me contacting them about a ECHP but I'll ask her...

I suggested she went into College today as she had no lessons. I phoned her at lunchtime she said she hadn't been into College because she was too lazy (well at least she is honest) - she won't pick up the phone from me now.

Keep getting recurring dream/nightmare that she will be homeless etc when I'm dead

Had a last minute march to College open evening tonight. College staff emphasised to DD that she needs to make a decision by beginning/middle of next week latest. They told her that any other College would be unlikely to take her with her grades (which of course we had been saying to DD). He had a sharp intake of breath when she mentioned that she is considering home schooling 🙄

Checking in.
Two weeks into sixth form after a fairly relaxed summer. Academia is what causes DD's stress and anxiety, but she is convinced that she wants to go to uni, has done since she was small.
She is at quite an academic school where they do 4 subjects in the first year, then do AS levels and drop down to the usual three. She is already struggling with the amount of homework.
She has been dropped by the CAMHS psychologist, but can't complain - she was seeing her for 2 years and they've been brilliant. She is still on antidepressants. Her psychiatrist wants her to reduce, but she's not ready and is resisting.
I can feel the stress levels build for both her and I.
Wishing you all strength and support as we toil on...

Sandwiches, did it help your daughter hearing it from a third party?

Parsley, my daughter is in a similar environment and finds school very stressful at times. School had suggested starting 4 A levels then dropping 1 but she decided on 3 which was a big relief to us.

Took DD out today, had a good chat. Seems she is struggling with her other A level subjects too.... I can't tell to what extend as I decided not to press her as didn't want to ruin the flow of conversation.

Social anxiety continues to be a problem, although she did meet up with two girls for lunch yesterday.

She looks like a tramp though, she has, worn the same clothes for days (including sleeping in them) She hasn't washed and has greasy hair... She doesn't see the point when she doesn't go out. Sigh.... Doesn't help with the friendship issues, but she won't listen to me

She wants to do online learning, I'm not keen, but seems it's quite popular these days. I've been researching this afternoon as she has been asleep... She is adamant she wants to go to University and resists the BTEC route

Parsley65 wishing you well too

Thank you for your support - and back to all of you!
Did was crying last night; overwhelmed by homework.
Apparently the head of year had spoken to her last week to see if she was doing okay. He suggested dropping a subject and last night she agreed that would really help. She's going to talk about it today.
Fingers crossed that it will do the trick...

sandwiches when my son was offrolled, I persuaded the LA to support him via 'Education Other Than At School' which was online learning for one hour a day in total. Personally, I wouldn't recommend it as it wasn't too much better than nothing at all, took months to set up to find tutors in the subjects and examination boards he was doing, but I guess other people would have more positive experiences.

notaflyingmonkey thanks for your advice. I've looked into online courses, but ball is her court. Tbh, I think she will be forced into corner come A level results day and won't have many options available for her but she won't listen...

Start of term is really overwhelming here too. Ds is being so rude and mean to us. His actual behaviour is more or less ok- but maintaining a semi acceptable level of family life is such a struggle. We either wait on him hand or foot and pick up after him, or politely ask him to do it and get sworn at. Punishments don’t help. I hear the voice of mumsnet saying ‘just don’t tolerate it! Be a parent!’- but I also see him feeling constantly nagged.

notaflyingmonkey seems DD maths tutor has hinted that she is unable to continue with maths and further maths and should resit year 1, he will confirm tomorrow. Have continued with online research, really don't know how things will pan out

Sounds like she needed to hear it straight from the teacher. Can you see if she would qualify for EOTAS from your LA?

DS has started at uni, and things are not looking good so far. He is crippled by lack of confidence in himself, and so stays in his room in halls as much as he can. I think his flatmates have tried hard to involve him, but he has resisted their attempts. I have asked support services to do a welfare check but because of data protection, they can't tell me anything. I really don't know how this is going to work out.

Oh not 😔, I am sorry to read that. He did so well to get there I really hope he gets some help and can learn what he heeds to to cope with his new life.

Would he give his permission for you to receive information/intervene, he knows you are on his side.

Bit of a rough ride here with DD, she has lost her iPhone, we are now into week four. I find it so frustrating because she just can't be bothered to look for it. I suspect it is somewhere in the quagmire of her bedroom.

If I had lost my iPhone I would be turning the world upside down until I found it, instead she reckons its my fault for not helping 🤷🏻‍♀️. I am not getting involved until she has tidied her room.

We had to have our lovely lovely dog pts last week. She was a year older than DD so she has known her all her life. I cried, virtually non stop, for three days. DD didn't cry. I gave her a hug and told her it was ok to be sad (she sees emotion as a weakness just as her dad does generally). Her response 'how do you think I manage to be nice Mum, to you, to my friends - because I wouldn't have any if I didn't. I bottle everything up (last sentence screamed at me). Wow. She won't talk to anyone, has given up on her counsellor and won't go back.

She is seeing her father and in touch with him, previously I have seen her behaviour deteriorate when she sees him - obviously I encourage contact.

Yesterday morning she screamed at me for at least 20 mins, venomously - she hates me apparently. My response was 'that's a shame because we could have a lovely life together but if thats how you feel I guess we will just need to tolerate each other until you are old enough to leave home'.

I told her that I found her behaviour very hurtful and that even though I was an adult and she a child me feeling hurt by her awful words was a really valid response. I wasn't immune because I was her mum.

I have also said that she needs to spend every other weekend with her Dad (which she resists) because I actually need a break from her rudeness, it really does get me down.