Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

You are all doing a fantastic job. I sent my parents money to take my DS and his best friend to a Cornish surf camp, and they had a great time, and neither of them said thank you to me.

My solution? No more surf camp.

You are all of you extremely kind and forbearing parents who have gone the extra 100 miles to show your teens that you want to meet them on their side. If they don't wish to meet you halfway then it's ok.

@Fleetheart perhaps this is actually the right answer! 🌟

@LifeOfBox ouch. I bet you could smell the money burning. 😳

I have done something horrible. After mine went missing for a night I kicked her to go live her dad .
Last 17 years I have never been apart from her unless she was on her trips etc and .
It's killing me but my brain says I need to let her sort her behaviour out .

People around me are getting fed up of my sulking .

She is heading on a very dangerous path including drugs older boys who can easily take advantage of her and one recently got stabbed to death and belonged to the gang .

I was nothing in front of her and when I tried to put my foot down she ended up being violent again.

I want her back and she is not not bothered .

Is if the end of a mother daughter relationship.
Is that it ?
If so I have no purpose to live .

I have done something horrible. After mine went missing for a night I kicked her to go live her dad .
Last 17 years I have never been apart from her unless she was on her trips etc and .
It's killing me but my brain says I need to let her sort her behaviour out .

People around me are getting fed up of my sulking .

She is heading on a very dangerous path including drugs older boys who can easily take advantage of her and one recently got stabbed to death and belonged to the gang .

I was nothing in front of her and when I tried to put my foot down she ended up being violent again.

I want her back and she is not not bothered .

Is if the end of a mother daughter relationship.
Is that it ?
If so I have no purpose to live .

@netmumtalks no it isn't the end. It's actually the beginning of something new. I know it doesn't look that way and I know it's impossible to believe, but it is.

First, and this may not resonate with you but I promise, it will help - PUT YOURSELF FIRST..

The worst Vice is advice. I'm happy to share my opinion, as I'm in a similar situation and have been given professional guidance.

You've taken a very brave and rare step so do t give up on yourself now.

Good advice there net. This isn't the end of your relationship with her, but perhaps it is the end of that part, and the next part is that of her journey to adulthood. Many of us here will testify to this part being the hardest period of parenting.

Please don't define your only purpose in life as mother - you are so much more than that. But you need to step back from the toxic part of the relationship, and she needs to know that being violent towards you is not acceptable. Do some stuff for yourself. Will her dad be able to keep her safe from the older boys, drugs, etc?

Lifeofbox-they are 12 and 13.5.
I think it is to a certain extent, our lot holiday wise for now.No amount of me saying to them that 'this is my Holiday too and I've worked hard for it' changed their behaviour. They are so entitled it's like water off a ducks back. I really struggle to understand that because it's far away from how I am, how I was as a teen and frankly what I thought (incorrectly it seems) I'd taught them about values.It makes me feel bloody sad.
We have talked a lot about about going away somewhere special for my 40th later in the year-and now I honestly don't want to take them because I know they will spoil it-but if I don't take them I'll never hear the end of it.

The net-lots of love to you. It's bloody hard. But as op have said let's hope this isn't the end of your relationship with dad, but a new and better phase of it.

@netmumtalks that sounds really hard but I think you're doing the right thing. May also kickstart your DD's perspective on things and help her to realise the spiral she's in.

@historysock
I often compare how I was as a teen (80s) and DC. I didn't have half what they have yet was reasonably happy and whilst I was certainly no angel did not display permanently foul behaviour.

Maybe I'm just too much a walkover.

We are off on holiday shortly and pretty much dreading it. Like you I try to make it clear that it's
mine and )DH's holiday) too and that they should at least try to be civil if not downright grateful) but doesn't make much difference.

I've got friends who relish family holidays and dread the day when DC are too old to come along. Me? Can't bloody wait and would leave them behind in a heartbeat

netmums, hang in there, imo the reality of wanting to live somewhere else isn’t as expected. 💐

historysock and Dorsetcamping, yes to all of that. I have used those exact words .... this is my holiday too and I have worked hard for it.

My sister has had lovely teens who all come back from uni and their post uni lives to holiday with them. They are an absolutely lovely family unit.

DD and I were always incredibly close, not sure what has gone wrong to be honest.

I feel like a terrible person for thinking about packing her off to her father’s and holidaying alone. I probably won’t ever do it but even the thought of it makes me feel guilty.

I’ve been reading this thread in tears this morning, feeling awful for everyone but glad I’m not alone.

So many of your situations resonate with me. My 14yo step daughter came to live with us full time 6 months ago after her relationship with mum broke down (poor behaviour on both sides) and we’ve had some really testing times. I’ve had chairs thrown at me, holes punched in walls, countless incidents of verbal abuse and she’s bolted and had to be brought home by the police a few times - but reading this makes me realise I’m not alone!

Have our first meeting with camhs next week which I think will be a huge help. One post (waaaaaay back) really rung true, it’s difficult to tell when they’re just being a teenager and need a firm hand, and when they’re dealing with emotions that are too big for them to handle. It’s so hard to judge which is which.

It’s been a tough time generally with redundancies, close family deaths, parents with dementia taking rapid downhill turns, and this has been a real struggle. I think I’m finding it a little harder than my DH as firstly I tend to manage all the behaviour as he’s struggling with the situation, and secondly... she’s not actually my daughter, and the unconditional parental bond just isn’t there. I love her to bits and would do anything for her, but when she’s throwing a chair at my head, I just, can’t bring myself to like her, and I really do resent having to manage this. That’s awful isn’t it?!?! Haven’t said it out loud anywhere else 😖

@DogHasEatenTheSqueaker that sounds really hard. But you know what- I care about my DS and I want to keep him safe, but when he is being arsey and rude and laughing at me then I find it impossible to love him. And he’s my own flesh and blood that I’ve nurtured for 15 years. I hate him at that moment. I don’t tell anyone that too but I feel so angry and sad and downright gutted that he seems to have absolutely no care for how much love has gone into his life.
I know it’s a phase and it will pass but it’s bloody hard isn’t it for us all!

@Dorsetcamping thank you . I am not feeling well
In myself I feel
I have abandoned her . But even at home she was not here anymore so what diff it makes . Please just pray for me .

@LifeOfBox yes but she seems
To be happy as long as she has the freedom that she wants . Or probably she is doing there what she won't at home just because it's not home anymore .
I hope it's sooner rather than later that she domes back realising it wasn't worth it .

@MorvaMae please tell
Me . Please talk to
Me . People
Who
Know me
And her have told
Me
She must have something wrong with her head to do
What she is doing .
I am devastated .
It's been three weeks . She has relied if I have spoken
Of the necessary but nothing other than that .

netmum it really isn't you, it's her. She is a teenager who knows exactly how to press your buttons. She wants you to cave in and give her the 'freedom' to do what she wants, but actually she needs boundaries. You have to work out what your line in the sand is and stick to it re drugs, etc, otherwise you will hate yourself.

Don't let this affect your MH. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you have to brush yourself off and pull back from her for a bit, otherwise you are handing over the power in your relationship to her.

We are here for you.

Yes @netmumtalks, keep sharing on here.

@netmumtalks it's ok. @notaflyingmonkey is right.
Just for a moment think about you and what you need. When my son left me ( and it felt like a divorce) to go back to his father I felt like you sound right now. Here in the US of course they are more open to thinking about therapy than perhaps they are in the U.K. and I grabbed the chance to talk to a pro with both hands.

One thing they let me think about was this; visualize it.

*If you and your DD were on a boat, and she jumped overboard, what would you do? Because that's what she's done right now. If you follow her overboard it's a 50/50 that you'll both drown.

If you stay on the boat, take time to prepare with a life jacket, rope and float, and throw them to her,you can stay dry and improve the chances of getting her back on board dramatically*.

It's really important now that you get strong, calm and into a happier place so you can be there for her when she needs you.

Your daughter is unlikely to be 'crazy'. She might be unhappy, but that is very unlikely to be due to you even if she says it is.

@MorvaMae I can't thank
You enough. I am trying to get to a happy place. I do not know how to but I am
Seeking ways how to. X

@notaflyingmonkey I set the boundaries and she is now in a land of freedom. It was suggested to me that I should have kept her under my roof and kept my
Mouth shut but it ended And it up making me feel even more ill and frustrated than I was. Also the more I trusted her the more she lied to me at the more she fooled me.
I wish she just bumps into someone who will tell
Her to stop and think . 😔

@notaflyingmonkey wishing you loads of luck for tomorrow. Hoping your DS gets his grades, will be thinking of you!
@netmumtalks I can’t help other than to say I find this age is really hard work. They need you but they don’t want you, and don’t want to admit needing you. Some days I feel I’m just a verbal punch bag who cooks and cleans. We would do anything for our kids but It’s so difficult half the time knowing what the right thing to do is but I think Morva and the others are right, as hard as it is you need some time out too to detach a little and give yourself some headspace, it will hopefully give your Dd space to miss you.

netmum 💐

not. We are here, team not’sDS, everything firmly crossed for him.

Thank you Mess and Box.

We have to go back to the college that expelled DS to pick up his A level results as he sat his exams there as an external student. My hands are already shaking at the prospect of going back into the lion's den.