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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

999 replies

Pegsinarow · 13/05/2019 08:31

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two! Smile

OP posts:
notaflyingmonkey · 17/08/2019 19:21

I have no answers for you I'm afraid Fleet. I have knocked on every available door in the last year or so with varying levels of my desperation, and the only help I got for DS was when I went private. There are so few resources out there.

I have come to hate weed and what it does to their heads.

Fleetheart · 17/08/2019 19:28

@notaflyingmonkey, thank you. Appreciate your response, I know exactly what you mean, I hate living in a house which smells of weed. It does my head in. He has said to me he knows it makes him lazy, and have a bad attitude, but he just keeps going back to it. I have found a psychotherapist who has been recommended; he has said he will go. But nothing is guaranteed. And of course it will cost me a lot of money that I really don’t have (£70 a week). Camhs have been rubbish really, they just don’t have the resources.

netmumtalks · 17/08/2019 21:24

@Fleetheart
You and me are in same situation just diff is age and I have a daughter and you a son .
In the end you have to stop thinking so much and let them experience things for themselves.
I know it's hard but I have walked this path and I know it's hard and it's a long long way but you
Got to stop overthinking . You are a single parent like me. We have both worked hard for them but the curse of the single parent is too
Strong to get rid of. Please think of yourself . Donot stop your own growth and your own wellbeing . Praying for you and with you x

Fleetheart · 18/08/2019 13:18

It’s extremely hard when you can see them walking into problems; but I guess that is how we all learn. It’s trying to get the balance right which is a massive challenge for me. How much do I step in?

sandwiches77 · 18/08/2019 20:30

DD got 3 x U s in her end of first year A level exams (1 x AS level, 2 x internal) she is hell-bent on continuing with A levels when I suggest any alternatives, she says that I don't believe in her...

She has spent 90% of her summer holidays doing nothing. A tiny bit of revision, nothing towards her EPQ or personal statement. Whenever I raise with her, she replies "I know"...

Can she really turn 3 x U grades around?

LifeOfBox · 18/08/2019 20:46

I have no idea sandwiches but just offering support until someone else comes along.

DD is clearing out her room, I am Sad at the clothes she thinks it’s ok to throw out. Things like a £50 jumper she had to have and has worn twice amongst other similar items. In a bag for rubbish because it’s too much bother to separate charity items.

I have spoken to her about it, told her that my second job which I use for treats/making my holidays nicer than they would otherwise be pays me £25 an hour and does she realise that there is probably three full days worth of clothes in that bag that have hardly been worn, that still fit?

That I will be very reluctant to buy her nice clothes moving forward. I could spend the money on myself or buy premium bonds with it.

I don’t know what to make of her, this bag contains several pairs of knickers with used sanitary towels, really stained knickers etc. What on earth is wrong with her?

This is the same girl that will spend ages painting her dirty nails.

Is this normal teenage behaviour? It certainly wasn’t for me.

sandwiches77 · 18/08/2019 21:00

Lifeofbox thanks for your support. Can I share with you that I found a bag of blood stained clothes in DDs under her bed. Found them when I changed her bed clothes. She has never given any reason for them. You are not alone with that

LifeOfBox · 18/08/2019 21:22

Thanks sandwiches, I am just Shock that she can’t bothered. She seems freaked out by periods, won’t talk about it. I am considered so easy going and easy to talk to about anything apart from with my own daughter. I know everyone’s problems and secrets irl. One of those people everyone talks to.

I spoke to her last month because she was putting used towels in the bathroom bin half in half out, stuck to the lid etc. I have got boxes of disposal bags by each loo. Just said that it would be really nice if she could use them as it would make it nicer for everyone- she refused talk about it 🤷🏻‍♀️.

She is such hard work, constantly.

Sad to say but I am really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I enjoy my job massively, the sad bit is that I enjoy escaping the grief of being a parent to my teenager even more right now.

sandwiches77 · 18/08/2019 21:50

Lifeofbox feel your pain. DD away on Scout camp this week, felt relief at her going Sad yep, irl I am a people magnet for people sharing their problems but hell would freeze over before DD shared anything with me.

mc2671 · 20/08/2019 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

netmumtalks · 20/08/2019 20:41

Hello lovelies . My new dilemma . My 17 year old wants to go Amsterdam with her friends without my consent . Do
I have to give her the passport ?

Dorsetcamping · 21/08/2019 06:40

That's a difficult one @netmumtalks. At 17 you don't go to Amsterdam for the architecture Hmm
Do you the people she wants to go with? Who will be paying for it?

I went to Majorca with my mates at 17 but knew the boundaries and to stay safe.

Dorsetcamping · 21/08/2019 06:41

*know

sandwiches77 · 21/08/2019 17:19

Tricky one Netmumtalks but as she is u18, I would think yes you could refuse to hand over her passport. Will she say much about the trip?

My DD went into College today and re-enrolled for y2, we didn't go and she hasn't shared any details.....

mcmen71 · 22/08/2019 19:07

Hi all op hope your summer going good
My dd got a few GCSE results today she done 3 a year early but only got a C in Maths which we are delighted with but the other 2 she will have to repeat but I think it will be the wake up call she needs.
As I was dropping her off to work this evening she said I'm really going to have to pull up my socks If I want to do A levels.
So at least she said it and not me.
Hope they will be better this time next year.
I am getting so disheartened for her when I read the GCSE thread and see all the 9s etc.

notaflyingmonkey · 22/08/2019 21:59

McMen stay away from those threads, there is no joy in reading them (I did the same thing last week while waiting for DS's A level results).

If it helps, my DD got As in her GCSEs, A levels, a first in her degree, and is now.... unemployed. Grades really really aren't everything.

mcmen71 · 22/08/2019 23:27

@notaflyingmonkey thanks for that she said she really wants to do better next year in the main bulk off GCSE she bought a couple of novels today to start doing more reading and away to a party now to celebrate with others. I couldn't tell her she had nothing to celebrate as her mental health is more important.
Her boss at work was niggling at her the whole shift. Example she came back of break 3 minutes EARLY and she told her to go back to staff room for 3 minutes by the time she got back it was time to walk down again.
Then she nagged her about cleaning that it wasn't her turn
Then it was dont be counting till by hand do it on machine which is old and inaccurate and they end up recounting by hand some people just love to be in charge.

Dorsetcamping · 23/08/2019 09:52

Uurrrgh just had the most depressing conversation with DS about school. He's about to start year 10 and just has zero motivation or work ethic.

Told me that he expects to come out with rubbish grades so no point in even trying. He does have dyslexia but it's manageable and we have given him every available support. I try not to get cross but it's utterly exasperating when he doesn't even try.

He just doesn't give a shit Sad

joanne2020 · 27/08/2019 18:44

Thanks for posting that beautiful poem! I can see it from both sides as my own sweet mum always held on through the terrible time I gave her and I’m just holding on to the other end myself with my 13 yr old DD. I’ll raise you the other end of the rope and see some Shakespeare;

‘A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers.’

And

The arms are fair,
When the intent of bearing them is just.’

Good luck everyone ❤️ Kids inc.

mcmen71 · 28/08/2019 21:32

Hi everyone another school year and It will bring many Ups and downs but let's keep sharing and helping each other through these teenage years.
Well I just acted like a completely bad mum this evening dd1 was going to meet friends I pulled up got out of the car outside where she was to meet friend. Dd said where are you going. I said I'm going in to make sure your friend is here she said oh you are so embarrassing walking me in. It turned out her friend hadn't even left her house so dd got angry mouthing off so I just stopped the car and put her out.
She then text dd2 crying that she rang her bf and he was coming to meet her.
I'm so mad that she has to have all the secrecy and lies every time she goes out.
How can I get her to stop lying.

Tarrarra · 29/08/2019 11:40

Sorry for the long silence, ds's op went well but there have been loads of appointments, follow ups and I've been run ragged with the recuperation! AS results were poor as we thought they would be.
We've had a few weeks of calm during the holidays, have managed to reenrol for college starting a new course and now the angst begins again as he starts to get anxious about starting anew. I will catch up on the thread properly soon but hugs to you all.
x

Aramox · 29/08/2019 20:27

Welcome back as the new school year starts. Sorry to hear of summer difficulties. Trying to prep calmly for school starting...

Fleetheart · 02/09/2019 21:43

School tomorrow! They go in later for one day but am dreading Wednesday and onwards for my DS. He is just not into it, and am wondering how he will cope with year 11. It has been lovely this summer not to have had any of those calls from the school darkening my day. Here we go again!

mcmen71 · 03/09/2019 08:59

My 2 away this morning they love the fun at school but the education they not interested. Two empty school bags on their back. Pen in their pocket. By next week the phone call or emails will start.
Good luck everyone for the new school year.

Parsley65 · 03/09/2019 14:35

DD went back to school yesterday for the first day of sixth form after a very long, carefree summer (for both of us.)
She was highly anxious and stressed in the morning, slightly better by the end of the day - but outraged to have received two lots of homework Grin
Good luck to everyone for the new term Thanks

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