Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

It is certainly a conundrum Bettyboo! . Nature or nurture again!

I certainly agree with your point about confidence! I genuinely don't know about the rest, the balance may well have swung too far, but equally I do think present day teens are under more pressure (in many ways) than we were. And this article and the research that it links to it [[https://blogs.unicef.org/evidence-for-action/positive-negative-spirals-plasticity-adolescent-brain/ is interesting]]. I have read about this subject before and how the changes in the teenage brain lead to them being less receptive to other peoples needs/povs and at the same time more vulnerable to criticism (not a very good explanation) but I didn't know about the effects of stress on the adolescent brain.

My DD and her peers are definitely under way more academic pressure than I was. And I think the Internet contributes to stress because it delivers catastrophic news from all over the world 24 hrs a day (while we just listened to the six o'clock news and perhaps glanced at a daily newspaper) not to mention the social pressures from social media. And although knowledge and entertainment is available at the touch of a button (which is often an incredibly good thing!) it doesn't require much effort on the teen's behalf to acquire it, leaving them passive, physically inactive, and anxious.

Also, the "Untangled" book I am reading says that "when teens are in conflict with themselves, they often seek out conflict with their parents". This definitely rings true to me!

I don't know, I'm not trying to shift blame from myself, I feel I am making mistakes all the time, some issues could definitely be down to poor parenting, but I think the above reasons have a part to play too! Perhaps a combination of all of the above?

As a parent, "all" I think you can do is carry on, try your best, don't give up, model healthy attitudes regarding taking responsibility, thinking of others, resilience, hard work, self care - well as well as one can anyway - and hope everything turns out for the best! Easy eh?! Not necessarily! Many adults I know - including myself - struggle with some of these things too.

I agree though, it will be v interesting to see if parenting styles flip back to being more disciplinarian in future!

Anyway, good to ponder...time now to get stuck in to the laundry!

I hope everyone on here has as good a day as humanly possible in our current circumstances!

Aargh! Forgot! Happy Mother's day to everyone!

Happy Mother’s Day, you unsung heros.
Just a thought about early nuture.
One dark afternoon, I called dd’s school and ended up breaking down to the lovely and bewildered receptionist, I was desperate. She arranged for intervention in the form of Early Help. This woman saved me. No exaggeration. Dd was born prematurely and ill. Her bio father had left me when I was five months pregnant. I was on my own with her till she was 3 and then met dh, who was an old friend.
So my guilt levels were ENORMOUS. I hadn’t given her a healthy body or her own father, I was a failure from the word go. I tried my best to make the world perfect for her, she didn’t cry at all as a baby as she didn’t need to, I anticipated every need.

The Early Years practioner told me that every moment of her early years counted, and that everything dh and I had poured into her would come out in the end.
She also reached across my kitchen table held my hand and told me it was not my fault, and I actually believed her. She saved me. Without her I would not have got through it.
Dd is fairly calm atm, she is now 17. But it’s the unpredictability that is so exhausting. She’s ok now this minute but the next one? I don’t know.

That is a really nice story - there are good people out there with kind hearts. We are all to quick to bang ourselves over the head!

happy mother’s day everyone! 💐 (even if your kids forget and have to run to the petrol station!)

It seems that quite a few have forgotten LordProFekko

That's really good to hear RickOShay; we all need support sometimes and shouldn't feel bad about asking for help!

Sorry, just to be clear, didn't mean in pp that it was funny that other people's DC forgot Mother's Day! I meant it in a wry "it seems we are not the only ones suffering" sort of way!

I hope everyone is having a good mother's day on here anyway, and if your DC did forget, I hope you can get out of the house and treat yourself to a bit of well earned time off!

I’m grateful for finding this post I really needed to read this as I’m feels no rather low and lost myself and it’s nice to not feel alone. I’m a mum of four youngest is 5 and eldest is 15 and yes nothing quite prepares you for the trauma of the teenage years.

My teenager has a boyfriend of six months who I recently found out she is having sex with that was quite a shock and guess what I’m really feeling is a sadness that I’ve lost the little girl she was.

She’s never nasty or rude to me she’s never called me anything but she chooses not to spend any time with me either she would rather be at her boyfriends house and it feels like she loves his family more than her own. I’m always here for her but I can’t help but feel guilty as I’m often helping the other children or just busy that’s life I guess.

So even if they behave themselves on some levels it still hurts on others xx

The Early Years practioner told me that every moment of her early years counted, and that everything dh and I had poured into her would come out in the end

Thank you so much for posting this.
We are all really struggling at the moment and today until I read your words it felt a bit hopeless.

With CAHMS later, hopefully they will help us.

I was pretty much left to my own devices as a teen as my parents split when I was 15 and they were both preoccupied.
I wasn't rude to them and never called them names, however I was awful in other ways.
I smoked, drank cider down the woods, and was sleeping with boys blush
I was very sneaky and just did what ever I wanted to, so really selfish!
I'm sure parents weren't so invested n those days! Maybe I'm wrong, I'd like to hear from other posters too.
The thing I keep reminding myself is of how utterly self centred I was, With no thought to anyone else

Whoopi, I could have written this word for word & because of this I try not to expect too much from my teen but I did foolishly think a better home life would be reflected in his behavior. I was so sure me being a teenage asshole was because of my parents.

whoops

Yes I thought exactly the same. My kids have a lovely home life. Lots of love and attention.
I know it's just a phase, it's so bloody hard though!
Yesterday my son told me he wished I was dead again! On mother's day!
I still give him consequences although it really doesn't seem to make a difference.
When he first started acting up around age 13, myself and my husband thought 'let's nip this in the bud' and were very hard with the consequences and also consistant.
Made bugger all difference!

Anyway, I'm being selfish next weekend and going away with a friend for the weekend. I can't wait!

I'm reading this in tears, to you all.

I wrote a very long thread about my issues, but I'm not ready to put them out there just yet. I'm coming out the other side but still feel broken and like I have nothing left to give.

Don't you just love the threads on MN where people ask for help on teenagers and get responses from people with 8 year olds saying 'turn the wifi off'!!!

This is something that hits my fB feed from time to time.

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others

Deep down this is what I hope but it so hard.

That has made me cry. It makes sense off so much but jesus christ, I am only human too.

I had a DM raising us alone so I could have got away with hello but I was scared of everything. I just read inappropriate books and took long solitary walks. Not many friends. Very angry girl. I took my teens out on myself largely. My brother however was an utter fucker

Just had one of those appalling days: DS didn't go to school. I suspected something was wrong and came home to find him in bed at 9.30. This has happened frequently over the past few weeks-sometimes he tells me he isn't going to school; other times the school phone and say he hasn't come in. His GCSEs start in 6 weeks. He has done minimal work and only got three passes in his mocks. I feel I am constantly nagging and cajoling but he seems to have given up; just lies in his bed and won't speak to me. Will only communicate by text. He says he is depressed - I took him to see the doctor a few weeks ago but no real help as he didn't open up to her. He's said he won't go back to the doctor. School are not much help; they seem more bothered about their unauthorised absence stats. His dad found him hiding in the attic when he came home from work - went ballistic. I have suggested I move out (with DS) and we've had a blazing row about putting the house on the market. I don't know how to help DS but I know screaming at him and calling him a waste of space or telling him to stop being so lazy and 'snap out of it' is not going to make anything any better

He. Ay just have to resit the exams? Or take the year over.
Has he spoken to a y kind of counsellor at school?
Head of yeaf

@midlife I do feel for you, we had similar issues in yr 12 and ended up repeating.

At this stage you are probably better off concentrating on him rather than the GCSE's try and use the Easter holidays to take off some of the pressure as @lolflres says he can always retake.

If this is the only issue with DP also try and take some time for the 2 of you.

I’m at breaking point tonight
Ds was laughing and joking with his pals until 10pm. Dd 9 went in to say goodnight and he told her to get lost. We Gabe our to him and then walked away. He came in to ask for s cigarette and I told him we were all trying except him, he said every
time he doesn’t kill someone he’s trying and then punched the door over and over.
Dh came down and I came upstairs, I was making things worse. Fuck

Gave out

Can I join the thread please?

I'm mum to a 15yo dd, only child. Split from her dad 10 years ago and I remarried 3 years ago.

Lost my sweet little dd at about age 10 and everything has slowly spiralled downwards since then. She's absolutely vile. She says the most hurtful things and really aims for my weaknesses. Someone said upthread that if it was a partner treating you this way then you'd leave. I wish almost every day that I could leave her. My MH is in tatters.

She bickers constantly with dh. I tend to shrink away when she behaves in a rotten manner as I can't cope with the fallout. He challenges her not in an aggressive way, just tells her it's not on etc). They ruined yesterday with their bickering and I spent the day in bed under the covers away from them both. Every so often she came into my room just to shout at me...I'm not good for her MH health, I had abandoned her all day, she shouldn't have to deal with me and my depression at 15 and I'm selfish for not hiding it better, blah blah. Spent a lot of yesterday in tears.

She refuses to learn to do the dishes or work the washing machine, dishwasher etc. Dumps her plates down in the kitchen and moans when I've not done the laundry quickly enough. She's pretty much trashed her room. It was trashed within a couple of months of us redecorating it, with her makeup all over the carpet and drawer handles broken off. Not a stealth boast but probably cost about £2000 to do her room, between full rewire, paint, wallpaper, carpet and fitting, furniture, walls plastered, new skirtings. Fucking trashed. Found out tonight her full length mirror is smashed too!

She's got very little interest in her school work, failed all but 2 of her prelims despite us paying for a couple of tutors. Refuses to study or stay behind in school for supported study. Flips out of her bastarding phone is taken off her at night. Is so unbelievably rude. Rarely goes out with friends as would rather FaceTime them, but on the odd occasion she does meet hem she's drinking.

Feels as though others her age are excelling at school, I'm be bloody school brass band, in competitive sports and just generally nice people.

I had absolutely no guidance as a teenager. Went NC with my mum in my early teens and my dad is very potentially on the spectrum. And I say that in the most genuine way, missed diagnosis for sure. I was given no boundaries and it suited me just fine. I done sort of ok at school despite never going but have made a career for myself through bloody hard work. I don't know if she is like this because I'm so shit and just don't know how to parent a teen as I have no experience of being patented at that age.

Does that make sense?

Rambling now! I miss my little girl so much... I was her best friend and I loved our little adventures, our shopping trips (even just to the supermarket), our long drives, our trips to the park, eating meals together, surprise hugs, feeling loved and wanted by her, walking the dogs together, our giggles and jokes, watching films together. I miss her and don't recognise this stranger in my house, even though she's been her for years

Big hugs to all you mums. I thought I couldn't feel better but I do a bit.

My adored kids hate eachother, behave without mercy and it's breaking me.

I need to sleep but I'm dreading the morning.

Sweet Jesus listen to us...we're all completely broken! Yes hope things get better. Hard to imagine at the moment though

Mother’s Day was shit. She’s so cruel.

Good morning everyone!

to those of you for whom mother's day was not the best. Ours went ok (we have never really celebrated it because it's on different dates in different countries) and it got a bit confusing! We went to an event where DD was well behaved (although barely spoke to anyone) and we had a lovely evening together once we got back home where a glimpse of the old DD emerged; singing, laughing, happy and animated. Great to see! Unfortunately, things took a serious turn for the worse again yesterday. But thanks to this thread, I didn't engage with any nastiness or allow conversation to be deflected from the matter in hand and I felt (slightly!) less destroyed by the whole thing! So thank you everyone for the support and advice!

Having encouraged everyone on here to take time out for themselves over the weekend, I thought I had better try and follow my own advice so I went for a lovely walk and tried to do some sewing (something I used to love) but fell asleep instead! (I am personally finding mothering a teen much more exhausting than looking after infants! It drains the very life out of you). But I did feel better for a solitary walk and some fresh air .

Great to hear you are going away next weekend WhoopiGoldberg'sCat! Hope you have a wonderful and relaxing time!

Daintytoes and Lolaflores I think you have summarised things very accurately . We do feel broken at times. And we are only human.

It's actually liberating to be able to post here and say how crap it is as out there in rl it's not really done to criticize one's DC or say how hard going it is. Also, precisely because we blame ourselves and feel we have failed, we are reluctant to discuss it openly. Billybagbuss I hear you

Daintytoes Your pp makes absolute sense and I hear you! I actually read your post out loud to DH because it's so similar to what we are experiencing and feeling. (And YY to everyone else's child being in a brass band or some equivalent other wholesale activity! ) And as is evidenced by everyone on here, your DD is definitely NOT behaving this way because you are a crap mother and didnt't have a great experience of being parented yourself! If you were a crap mother, you wouldn't care so much and it wouldn't be hurting you in the way it is. We all have different parenting styles and yet all seem to have challenging teens. Do read 'Untangled' if you can; it's a definable process they are all going through.

Glad to hear this thread has been of some comfort nakedscientist and I hope this morning was not/is not as bad as you feared

Whoops75 and strawberrisc

Poodle78 it sounds as though you have a lot on your plate. Totally understandable that you feel so low currently. And YY to their behaviour hurting.

Certainly much food for thought there in that Facebook extract Billybagbuss . Desperately hanging on to the end of the rope here!

Midlifemumofteens I know this is probably a rather trite suggestion but could you or your dh invite your ds out to do something that doesn't require too much interaction but gets him out and takes him out of himself ifyswim such as a bike ride, swimming - nothing dramatic.Or just take him out for a drive and hope you come across something interesting! Only mention it because when DD was going through a particularly "languid" phase DH persuaded her out to go on a unexpected trip to the beach and she still talks about it, not because it was anything spectacular but because it was unexpected.

Sorry if I have missed anyone out! Sending unMumsnetty hugs to everyone though and hope you all have a good week. Tin hats on people! Hang in there!