Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

pegsinarow 🤣 didn't mean we were prettier etc. compared to our dcs.
But we are so much better, than what they tell us.

Could only dream of firm skin, natural beauty - don't get me started...

X posts ...

Lightandairy (yes my typing is that slow )
You are definitely doing the right thing prioritising your ds's mental health above everything else. Glad to hear the college counselling is going well and hope gp is supportive today. Hope you can have a peaceful day off too and enjoy your run!

I'm far too hot all the time too and although I love coffee, it doesn't love me anymore sadly. Have taken to drinking a truly disgusting chicory substitute. It's foul but doesn't give me the shakes.

Whoops75 No need for apologies. I recognise that feeling of being utterly depleted. . It's positive that your ds is doing a bit of work at home, and as you say, he has time to catch up. It sounds v hard going though when the CAHMS and psych support which has been put in place, does not appear! Could you contact CAHMS and ask for alternative support?

Oh I see Tickling cheese wrong end of stick there sorry! Bit of a sore point with me as I look so fat and decrepit alongside my lovely smooth faced string bean DD! She is also stealing my clothes and looking better in them then I ever did! Grrrr. . (Actually I secretly like seeing her in them but bemoan my bulk. Have at least three stone to lose and I depend on carbs to propel me through the teen rants! Vicious cycle or what?)

But yes, yes, most important, we mustn't talk ourselves down or take teen talk to heart! ! We have age and experience and wisdom (despite feeling helpless half the time!) which is far more important than all that superficial outward stuff! And Billy has a black cat and medicinal herbs just saying

Ticklingcheese I know I know...firm skin....my poor face looks more saggy than it used to, so best thing is to keep smiling (through gritted teeth...!) as I think that improves it!

whoops best wishes to you and ds

Pegs thanks....he would really like to go to a local presigious university but they want very high grades...sod it. I hope all the time he will be happy and thinking as positively as I can for him.

I am trying to get my head in the right place for this running! House is a mess and would easily eat up time all day doing housework....

On a different note...
Just my own experience, for hot flushes etc., i tried fermented red clover, it took three weeks to kick in, but it actually worked for me 🎉.

Scientists say that it is only the fermented liquid that works, not pills. So if you try, you need to get over the vile taste.
I will try to give you a link, but if you are interested /desparate, let me know if you can't get it and I will try phone the manufacturer (Danish). (I will even ship to you if necessary, because this link is expensive 😱).

www.natural-alternative-products.co.uk/product/herrens-mark-red-clover-1-litre/

Just a suggestion if you are desparate.

Hello all you amazing mums. Hang in there. My daughter felt that the best punishment for me was to go and live with my controlling, narcissistic mother who is enjoying the fact that my motherhood has been stripped away and I'm not able to support my daughter through this important time in her life. All my hard work has been in vain. So hold on to your little terrors with all your might. I am actually now wishing she was here, bullying and abusing me as anything would be better than this x

maryanne19 so sorry for you. Hope things improve 💐.

Oh Maryanne19 I'm sure she'll be back , given time. Your dd won't appreciate being controlled any more than you did. In the meantime, can you distract yourself with doing something nice for yourself (if that doesn't sound horribly simplistic/patronising)?

Thank you very much for that link Tickling cheese. I've never heard of fermented red clover for menopause symptoms! I've got a sort of gel that looks like wall-paper paste that I spread on my inner arm or thigh from my on/gynae, which I can use as and when hot flushes hit, but it's good to know there is a more natural alternative available!

Lightandairy I used to be a house-work ninja. Now I seem to have energy for cleaning or dealing with teen tantrums, not both. And yes, you've guessed it, my house is a pit . Just don't seem to have the motivation/brain-space any more!

House-work ninja, ha ha if only...

Sorry Lightandairy posted too soon, what I was trying to say, in agreement with you, is that so much of life currently is about "being in the right head space" isn't it? Whether it's parenting in general, or more particularly dealing with an antagonistic teen, sleeping, work, diets, cleaning... . Things I used to do reasonably efficiently without giving them a second thought when I was younger, I find it all so much harder now, largely because I find them all so tedious (my part-time work is basically not much more mentally demanding then filing!). And I find the menopausal fog to be more debilitating than lack of physical energy. Or maybe this is depression speaking? Who knows? (Still trying to decide whether to take ads offered by doc or not.)

Sorry for whinging. I've actually been feeling a bit better overall of late. Just having one of those days today! Started with dog sick, then received very large bill for something, then found out I have confused two important dates so need to rearrange two things that took an age to organise in the first place. At least DD seems to be reasonably calm and back on track for now! And the sun is shining here! .

I know Tickling to think I actually derived satisfaction from it at one point. Now I just can't be arsed frankly

@pegs you do make me laugh I’ve also been known to swim at midnight on a full moon 😂😂

Hope your day picks up.

Billy and wow @ midnight full moon swimming! That sounds (genuinely) fantastic! And great source of eye of newt I imagine

Btw, believe it or not everyone, we are on 965 posts now . (Little did I know what would evolve from an opening post born of despair back in March!)

I am more than happy to set up a new thread when the time comes - if everyone would find that helpful - but, in keeping with the idea of Po Ts as a strong collective, please do shout if anyone else has a hankering to take over ! Equally happy for someone else to take the helm!

Correction: little did I know what would evolve thanks to everyones contributions I should have said! Important not to miss that out!

billybagpuss not sure if I said at the time, but I do appreciate your link a few pages ago on wild swimming. It gave me some ideas. I am waiting until my ds is in a good mood and then mentioning 1:1 swimming lessons...he did learn as a child. I am now going to do improvers swimming lessons at some point with some friends.

Pegs it's a tricky one about whether to try the ads or not. My difficulty is more anxious thoughts which I am continually trying to divert, probably to do with the menopause. I agree with being in the right space, so much head space taken up with worry. My job too is naff some days, tedious to say the least. Just an idea...have you tried St Johns Wort? It's a mild antidepressant and can buy over the counter at Holland and Barratt. I started taking it a while ago and I believe it helps me sleep a little better. And you're not whinging, great source of support on here, thank you so much. I feel compared to other dc's antics I maybe go on too much as at least I know where ds is. Last night I even heard him laughing at videos he was watching on You Tube, so all positive, he is up and down.

I am giving up on the housework for now and going shopping. I have to force myself to do housework! 15 minutes on, then 15 minutes off as it is tedious, but I love it when it's done.

I seem to have forgotten about the running

My daughter is giving us both the silent treatment now, one word inaudible answers at best. My husband has gone away now until Monday so she may come round a bit (he's generally public enemy no. 1 with her!).

I finished C25K in Feb and am still running 3 times a week. I'm really slow but it has really helped my menopausal anxiety and generally helps my mental health.

Aw that's so great about hearing your ds laughing Lightandairy really great!

Thanks for advice about ads. I don't feel particularly depressed, just less able to "keep my shit together" as the yoof would say. Not on top of stuff and feel a bit slow and bumbling, the opposite of incisive ifykwim. I am definitely anxious though. I did try St John's W a while back - thanks for suggestion - but it gave me really bad acid indigestion iirc! Should perhaps consider it again though, thanks.

pegsinarow congratulations with the nearly full thread 💐.

Even though I don't belong here, it has helped me a lot processing things, both good and bad.

I do think the full thread is evidence that advice and support is very much needed. Perhaps if you do a new thread, all can support each other, to give you a little less responsability re. Checking in and 'saying' wise word to everybody. Not that it is not hugely appreciated, and you do seem to be such a nice, wise and humorous person, but it could give you a little breathing space, if needed. Don't know if I'm the only one who feel this way about the thread?

But thank you for your thread and your emphaty 😀.

vjg13 Congrats on your 25k! 🏆 So many people have said that about exercise improving menopausal anxiety, I am sure it is the way to go! It's hard confronting exercising when one doesn't have the energy to dust but maybe I could try building up small... .

Hope you can profit from your dh's absence and have some lovely one-on-one time with your DD this weekend

Right, I must go out and walk the dog before the sun shine disappears!

Wishing all Po Ts happy and stress-free weekends!

X post Ticklingcheese you definitely belong here! [Tried to find laufhing cheese emoticon but 💐 will have to do!]

Thank you for your kind words which are much appreciated! I think everyone has been a brilliant support to one another on the thread and yes, that would be good I think, for that to continue, with me not trying to "answer" every post. [ I just did that initially because the level of distress can be high on here and people in our situation can feel very isolated I think - as previously discussed - and it can be awful to feel that you are howling at a blank screen so to speak!]. But yes, agree that's a better way to proceed now I think, given " Team Po T " more established!

Gah sorry for typos, rushing, bbl!

Vjg13 I hope you have a nice weekend with your dd and she opens up a bit, the silent treatment is frustrating. Well done on the running also. I have lost motivation today just arrived home with shopping. Tomorrow"s another day.....

I hope everyone has a good restful weekend.

Hello PoTs!

So, things have been OK for me. I have a few updates. I posted about DS (17) and DD (23) physically fighting. We then staged a communication intervention which worked tosome extent and from ignoring eachother and ruining mothers day, they actually talk a bit now.

DD (23) has said she is moving out now in just over a month and I feel very very guilty that she will be paying all that rent when she could live at home ( she's a PhD student on a modest stipend) and sad at the end of an era

DD2 (19) is at uni, she'll be back next week though! She's just split from her 2 year relationship
so she's super sad.

DS (17) , now, he had an evening with his friends two weeks ago which was a nightmare. I went down at one point to tell them not to smoke weed in the house (!) and then I went down ( about 3 am) to find them missing, butall their phones all left on the sofas, a faint smell of weed but about 40 NOs canisters plus balloons on the floor. I gathered them all up and binned them including the full ones, and got rid of the empty cans. I was furious and also terrified that DD1 would get involved and go mad ( but actually, I think she was out). I went down again at 4 ish and told them, nicely, that that was enough and to go and they did, ( not DS obvs!)

DS claims that NOs is " cool, it's calm, don't worry, everyone's does it" what do you PoTs think? I also hate that smelly weed and go on and on about it being brain damaging at their age....

Bank holiday Monday: my DSis and I took the two youngest out to Kew for the day DD3 (15) and DS2 (10). The outing kicked off with a row about dressing warmly enough DD3 tiny t shirt and cropped jacket ( it was 11 Celsius!) by the time we were on the train DSis already had a headache.
Then I had a work call and chatted for a few mins, mainly saying Id catch up another day. Anyway, DD3 was sooooooo embarrassed, I was soooo loud. Everyone was looking....
Then at the station, she started on the day, DD why did we have to come here today? the weather is rubbish ME: well it's bank holiday, and we have a day off DD not sure why we're here blah blah blah eventually Me well if you like you can pop on the train home DD well, I would but if I did you'd be angry........at which point people were staring as I cried outside Kew Gardens station. I felt so small and useless and kind of washed up and past my sell by date.

Anyway we ploughed on and did have a nice day, but MY GOD TEENS they drain the life out of you!