Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

feel like crying most days because of the hurtful things my teen says to me. Yesterday he told me he wishes I was dead. He's so rude unkind and miserable. It's hard and so draining.
I feel like this is never going to end.
This is totally me at the moment, I really hate my life at the moment. My eldest never went through this, so it's even harder this time I think.

We are going through it with our DD (currently identifying as DS).

We frequently tell ourselves she's a good kid having a shit time. That helps a bit when we wonder where our lovely child has gone.

Normal teenage stuff is further complicated by gender issues, possible ASD, self-harming etc.

The thing I struggle with is CONSTANT lying. Just can't be bothered to tell the truth. It means we second guess everything.

I hear what you say about confidence Pegs. DC's issues have seriously affected my confidence as a parent. I never thought about how I parent until last year I just got on with it. Now I feel like every interaction needs loads of thought.

As for the rudeness, selfishness etc we do let a lot of stuff go but it's hard to know whether we should be challenging more. WHo wants to live in a constant warzone though?

At times living with my, almost adult thank god, DD feels so uncomfortable. She makes it clear I am too dull to talk to and the only time she really talks to me is when she wants something.

Today she left her phone on a train and it was sent to the station at the end of the line, well away from where we live. As she has college and A levels are looming, I went to get the phone for her which was a round trip of about two hours.

When she got home she then immediately threw a strop because I had stopped her phone before I knew where it was. She also turned out to have failed to turn up at one of her classes today. Whatever I do is wrong, I've given up.

I believe that the worst stage is definitely teens to adults especially going through menopause!! I went on HRT and went for counselling as I really couldn't cope anymore!! Things have got better slowly OP in between the risky behaviour and the all the madness the glimpses of my daughter have returned. I eventually practiced the grey rock and cardboard cut out techniques just let her say it and not absorb the horrible things she said so hurtful and not deserved!! Big hugs keep the faith you are not alone!! 💐

Is it strange that other people's suffering is comforting in a comrade style war way?? 😁
I have decided to open the wine. Cheers all x

I've only skim read your replies but you absolutely aren't alone. I've 2 boys, 18 & 16 and they really push me to my very limits at times. In the past year I've spent about 50% of it in tears over something, and I'm normally really strong and stoic. If it was a toxic relationship you could walk away, but a toxic relationship with teens is a whole nother story. Am very much hoping this passes soon - hang in there op - there's lots of us in the same boat, plenty of support here if you need it 😊

Please don't put this down to the fact you are a sahm or any other things you have or haven't done, I have a very good job but my Dd1 sometimes treats me as if I was her slave/cleaner and shows no respect towards me - she doesn't do this with her dad and he is around loads, tells her off in equal measure.

I sometimes make time to pick her and her siblings from school so that I can have a bit of time chatting but she puts her headphones in and just grunts at me. It deeply upsets me as I feel treated with disrespect but I know it's a lost battle.

I don't like these teenage years at all, I hope my other three won't be as bad but I am kidding myself

💐for you all and 🍷, it’s a very difficult stage for a lot of mums and I wish people would be more honest and open about it instead of all these jolly family Facebook posts. Just admit although you love the very bones of them and would go to the ends of the earth for them ... there are many occasions when don’t like them very much.

I was so so close to losing my shit yesterday and just about stopped myself from screaming “well fuck off then if it’s so awful around here, go and live somewhere else, I’ll fucking help you pack” ..... and I’m usually a calm person.

Something I’ve thought about quite often recently is that I would never accept her behaviour from a partner but we have to put up with it as a parent to a much greater extent.

BigSandyBalls2015 - you reminded me of a phrase I often used with mine -‘I will always love you but I don’t like you very much at the moment’! DDs knew it was best to shut up when I said this.

Yup. Two here- DS with ADHD who is unbelievably rude and obnoxious a lot of the time. And who smokes cannabis. DD who is just “normally” teenagery. Me: single mum - working almost full time. It’s so hard, they are so bloody rude and so unhelpful. I really do feel like just leaving them to it; I almost feel like I am in mourning for those sweet little children who used to be happy to see me and would always love spending time with me. Now I am a wicked bitch whose life has been in vain. Apparently. Gets me down really.

You are certainly not alone , since 12 (5 years ago ) DD is unpleasant and demanding constantly. I feel awful saying this but I feel much happier if she's at a friends , like I can actually relax ! When she's about I tread on eggshells awaiting the next drama , she goes 0-1000 frequently and still cries and screams when told no with the added treat of being called a cunt most days . I don't think she sees me as a real person , just a walking wallet, taxi /cook.

Yes yes here too. I sometimes just lie on the floor and cry at the loss of the child I loved and who loved me. Vitriolic abuse- I hate you, you’re a shit parent, etc. It’s so painful.
Someone suggests saying 6 nice things for every disciplinary one- it’s quite good if you can get their headphones out. Rewards can also be good, more than punishments for some kids. But you are absolutely not alone. I wonder if the extremity of this comes partly from social media- the language they use amongst themselves is horrible.

I'll join in too. The last 3.5 years, since DD1 turned 16 went to college and met BF, have been very tough. We saw a parenting counsellor for a while which helped a lot but my stress levels are so high these days it doesn't take much for me not to be able to cope.

DD1 said on Thursday we should be grateful that she still sees us and that she hasn't moved out. (She can't afford to move out as she is signed off sick and her hopeless BF is zero hours over the winter).
It would be much calmer for us and DD2 if DD1 did move out. But it wouldn't be better for DD1, so we aren't facilitating it at the moment and she can't do it alone.

We run on her producing a major crisis at least every 3 months, most of which are self inflicted. This year we have had 6 already, some of which are outwith her control, but many are not.

Crikey! Just come back to the thread and didn't expect this many replies! Great to hear from so màny posters; sorry you are all going through such hard times though.

I think Bigsandyballs sums it up; we love the very bones of them but their behaviour is not likeable at all.

Oh that's awful JonestheRemail . Although reading "whatever I do is wrong" is strangely comforting ifyswim.

That's so true Gatherlygal it does feel like every interaction is a minefield!

I'll try and remember that about saying 6 positive things to one disciplinary comment Xeroxarama; it's no where near that ratio currently I'm ashamed to say so that's something I should work on.

And thanks for the reassurance that stoics and non-sahms are also subject to this (although not nice for you either of course).

Maybe they don't see us as real people Squeegle maybe that's the issue! We definitely should form a club Maxibabi, something with "bunker" included in the name!

Thanks for all the amazing support and good luck to each and every one of you on here!

Sorry, that comment to Squeegle was actually meant for wishingforapositiveyear (getting in a muddle!) although really appreciate every single post on here.

It's actually really interesting and informative how much we all have in common.

Its funny really, when DC was young and all was well in the world, I remember being shocked reading Mumsnet and slightly horrified by the posters who dared to criticize their dcs' teen behaviour. How naieve was that?

I need all the help I can get.

I wouldn't have anything to do with a friend who behaved like this! It's so hard to keep picking yourself back up.

@pegsinarow; no problem!
I remember similar- I thought “oh my children won’t be like that,”. Little did I know....

It's the same for me with DD 15. I spend much of my time in tears lately, due to the poison tongue of my beautiful girl. I am finding trying to parent her totally exhausting, and whilst I try to switch off from the nastiness, it really is hard.

I seem to be the person that bears the brunt of all the teenage b/s that she currently has going on - well I assume that's what it is, as she barely talks to be about anything anymore.

I am struggling to see her often upset at night, sitting in her bed in the dark, glued to the damned phone - which I swear is the root of all evil. I'm sick of bloody snap-chat and all the problems and angst that it causes my daughter and her peers - everybody knows everyone's business, they're none of them afraid to point out each others flaws and gossip and bitch like a pack of old women - and the boys are just as bad as the girls from what I can see - it drives me insane. I take the phone and laptop away at 11pm - and that's another daily fight that I loath.

I have been the mum that drives all the kids everywhere like a unpaid uber driver, has 6 at a time for sleepovers at weekends, feeds them all, drops off things to school that have been forgotten, makes the school lunches, works overtime to pay for all the activities, and doesn't ask for anything much to be done at home. Clearly this is not appreciated or even noticed anymore, and so I have decided to gradually withdraw my mum services.....

It started this week buying DD a lovely gift - a laundry basket for her room and writing instructions on how to use the washing machine on the mirror in her bedroom!

It's really, really hard, but I am going to try to ignore the moody, stroppy bitchy behavior and make it look as though I'm far too busy doing stuff for myself to care about how she is (not sure what exactly I'll be doing yet as this is totally alien to me !!!!!) and make myself far less available than I have been.

Everyone says it gets easier but I can't honestly see any light at the end of my tunnel. My dear Grannie back in the UK (we live in New Zealand now, so I have no family support at all to drag me through this teenage daughter induced hellish journey) always used to say to me when I was a teenager and dealing with stuff like friendship issues "this too shall pass". I got this tattooed in script on my forearm in July last year as a reminder of her wise words - I can categorically confirm that as yet - it damned well hasn't!!! Some days I swear I almost forget to breath because I'm so wound up with the stress of it all.

Anyway - good luck to all my fellow mumma's out there, who are also trying to successfully walk the tightrope of being a mum to a 2109 teenager!!! xxx

I can’t believe I have found this post today - just when looking for support/guidance myself.
We are going through a horrible time right now. DD (only child) seems to have spiralled downhill since Christmas. She’s 14, almost 15 and I’m 47 (heading for the menopause myself no doubt) She has always been bright, studious enough and keen to get involved in everything extra-curricular. She’s become so unpleasant, which I could probably cope with as normal teenage behaviour, but she no longer does ANY school work, no extra-curricular, won’t eat properly but binges on junk which she buys herself, and doesn’t even brush teeth. Had parents meetings today and she has gone rapidly downhill in school and is now badly behaved - she sat there with a stupid smirk on her face thinking it was all so funny. She has never been like this - she seems to be throwing her life away. She’s glued to her phone all the time - it sounds so weak but we can’t get it off her. We tried one night but she ran off in the middle of the night and we had to call the police. Another time she tried to throw herself out of the upstairs window.
In short, yes, it’s affecting my mental health. I’m now on anti depressants and have had to take time off work. I can’t cope anymore and don’t know what the future holds. I can’t just sit back and watch her self destruct.
Is there anyone out there with some hopeful stories of how this will pass and get better? . . . . .
I feel your pain all of you. Hope things improve for everyone soon. X

I cry all the time too . . .

Missus and Flippant

That all sounds really tough going. The feeling of powerlessness is stressful too. I always considered myself to be a "firm but fair" parent before all of this; now I'm floundering.

It does make you wonder how much phone use is implicated in this behaviour too.

Also, it's really to read about all these patently unhappy teens on here (mine included). Despite the crap they throw at us, I do feel for them. They are unhappier then we used to be aren't they? Their behaviour is more extreme I think.

I’m a single parent. Dd and ds are a year apart - 15 and 14. They both hate me and each other. Our house is a constant war zone between the 2, where I’m trying to be Switzerland but feel like running away.

DD threatens to self harm or kill herself if she doesn’t get her own way and although I 99% know in my heart she wouldn’t there’s still that 1% that’s scared she will just to prove a point as she’s a stubborn mare.
DS has picked up on this and has started to threaten it too. what they don’t know is that their behaviour is making me ill and I’m on anti depressants and propanol for anxiety caused by all this.
It’s a vicious circle as the only time they are happy is when they’re in their rooms on their Xbox/phone etc so I’ve just been letting them get on with it. We haven’t done anything as a family for about a year - we don’t eat together (I cook ‘shit’) or watch TV as ds smashed the one in the living room when I turned the WiFi off and I can’t afford to replace it.
I get home from work at 6 and am in my room by 7 and don’t come out. I don’t do any parenting other than providing food and somewhere to live, and I know I’m letting them down but I can’t put up with the abuse. As someone said if it was a partner you’d leave but with teenagers you’re just stuck.

Single mum of 19yr old dd. She has just come through it so hang on in there. I've had years of strops,kicking,swearing,mouthing stuff under her breath and I was almost throwing her case after her when she said she was leaving to live with bf. That finished and she is back home and seems to be calm and helpful
.However,still going through it with 17yr old ds(found some weed under his duvet, gobby,moody) but I've learnt not to converse at all with him,apart from the odd supper where we manage to sit all together.
Have an 11yr old ds with asd and hormones are starting...but I've learnt I can just about manage what is thrown at me.