Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Hah! Wholesale = wholesome

We should rename the thread ‘parenting teens, desperately hanging onto the end of the rope.’ I do think this is as important as the stately home thread.

It is important to be able to vent albeit to strangers. I know so many people who have hidden it for years when their teens have been going through hell with SH and worse. But our default is not to show our vulnerabilities.

Billybagpuss Great idea! I hope the thread will continue. And will change the title should we get to 1000 posts! (Given the number of challenges our teens are presenting us with currently, I'll hazard a guess it won't take too long! ). And if that happens, I hope the emphasis of the thread will remain on support for us parents for once (at the same time acknowledging that things are very tough for our lovely and not so lovely at times teens too!). Funny how I feel a bit guilty writing even that; as parents we should be silently sucking it up shouldn't we? As you say Billybagpuss it's not the done thing to complain or buckle.

Yes, this is me. My DD is 14, nearly 15. She has had MH problems and possible underlying ADHD but this was rebuffed by the school (not by the psychiatrist, me or her, though, but that doesn't seem to matter!)

DH works long hours and is often tired and grumpy and doesn't engage properly when he gets home. I'm not an SAHM but have a kind of McJob, fitting in around the school. Like you, I thought I was doing the right thing and, also, I'm ashamed to say, I absolutely could not cope with a career and raising a family. I still don't know how people do it.

To top it all, I lost my DF to cancer 7 years ago. My DM went downhill after that and has suffered a multitude of health problems so, to say that my support network is non-existent is saying the least. I am other people's support network.

I have a sister but our relationship can be a bit stormy at times (I now suspect underlying MH issue) and I work irregular shifts so my social life is pretty scanty. I do, thank God, have other people (friendly work colleagues) I can talk to so I know that, while I'm not in the majority, I am not the only one and there are people who are even worse off.

OK, sitting here crying. I skipped a meeting at work because I just couldn't face going in yet.

So I was up late washing the bedding/pillow to get rid of rotten banana stain. Have bought DD (23) a new pillow and sheet. DH spotted that DS had let her tyres down on her bike again and he pumped them up before she noticed. She was OKish this am. She went off to her PG study. She's very successful academically and judgemental of her "vile" brother.

DS (16) had a late start to school. Tried to "talk" he shouted, was unrepentant and eventually cried and said he had been bullied by her for five years, we never listened and now was revenge time.

nakedscientist so sorry you are going through this. It sounds hideously stressful and upsetting. It's hard nowadays I think when DC are living with us for longer than previously. Can you get 23 he old to wash her own laundry (unless the upset isn't worth it)? Would 16 yr old respond positively if you brought this issue up at family meeting? (Sorry if you have already done this or suggestion unworkable/innapropriate.)

Mine is academically bright too and sometimes when she is ranting in a vile way, part of my (detached) brain is admiring her thought patterns, rhetoric, sentence structure, and vocabulary! We certainly allow them to clobber us don't we?

I hope your day gets better anyway

thebeesknees that also sounds so hard . Sorry the school are being so unsupportive too. At our stage in life we are often the (pummelled!) meat in the sandwich between teens on the one hand and elderly parents on the other and it seems so unrelenting. I can really identify with what you say about a semi-detached DH too (mine never stops working and although he can be supportive, when he is at home his mind often seems to be on other things or he's exhausted). That and his constant travel is one of the reasons I work so few hours and, like you, I don't think I could have coped with a full on career (not poss anyway as we moved countries) as well as parenting. The groundhog combination of supporting others and household drudgery is pretty demoralising frankly.

pegs I'm actually pathetically grateful for any advice, you bring so nice made me cry again!

I washed the stuff to prevent a late night confrontation, DD normally does it.

Family talking is a must I think. Just need to think about how to stage it.

Sorry to highjack your thread!

We can all help each other stay strong on here and it massively helps that others can relate to these horrible stresses

Being not bring

Good morning team

Ds has gone to a friends house, he has a session in CAHMS today. I hope this works he will be 18 in October and they won’t be available after that.
I’ve hopped into bed to rest, I’m exhausted, I had Pilates today and could hardly roll my shoulders. I have a bulging disk so have to go or I’m in agony.

Thanks to everyone for posting.
Its very lonely, I’ve told people but they don’t know what to say, I find more support here.

It is lonely indeed Whoops75. Glad to hear you are resting and like the "team" reference! . Fingers crossed re: CAHMS.

Not hi-jacking at all Nakedscientist it's what this thread is for! Good luck with the family talk!

Solidarity everyone! Keep on trucking!

💐
I so understand, I reached a point during dds rebellion, when I just thought BOARDING SCHOOL, why didn't I send her to boarding school?

Never, ever did I think, I would think that, it's so far from who I am. But I fantasized about dropping her off, and after a year or two, receiving a sensible adult, not taking everything for granted 😂.

Strenght to you all.

Menopausal single mum with teenagers here too. I've really had enough of then, DD is the worse by far!

She got left behind for Mother's Day Meal yesterday because of her behaviour. I even said do you want to go and live with your dad?

God forgive me I used to be so judgemental of Mother's walking out on their teenage kids, but I'm so so so so close at the moment.

There is not one bit of joy in it. Thankless, heartbreaking task.

YY Ticklingcheese and Thegodmother I actually used to read threads on Mumsnet thinking "how can parents of teens write about their DC in this way?!" I now well and truly have my comeuppance! Never envisaged being in this situation, ever. And yes it is pretty thankless most of the time, much as we love them.

@MissusSee same here never get anything "nice" from dd just rolled eyes and hatred.

@BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo Sadly I was the teenager from hell that my dd is now. Literally didn't speak more than a sentence to my mum in 4 years. Grabbed my dinner and went upstairs to my bedroom to eat it.

There is a wonderful photograph of my 13th birthday holding a beautifully made birthday cake with a Barbie on top. My face! Snarling, ungrateful teenage horror.

My mother was a single parent who worked full time. She died before I ever got the chance to apologise and tell her I loved her deeply.

I'm crying now as I write this. She was amazing and I didn't appreciate her. But boy must she be laughing at me now!! "Ha ha Godmother, karma's a bitch eh?"

That's the problem Pegsinarow we do love them, if we didn't it wouldn't affect us so much.

As pps have said, it is a very stigmatized subject, discussing teen problems. You feel a failure when you admit to problems with dcs, and even though the people you confide in perhaps have bigger teen problems, you are often meet with disbelief or condemnation that YOU are not doing enough. Seems better than actually admitting you are in over you head yourself.

That's so true Tickling; it does seem a very "closed" subject! I guess parents think "well I should have a grip on things by now" when in reality, they did have a grip on things between the ages of roughly 6-12/13 yrs and then it all went to hell in a hand cart!

Thegodmother your late mother sounds so lovely. I'm sure she'd be nothing but sympathetic to your situation now!

Such is life everyone. Such is life.

Hi everyone, it is really comforting reading everyone's posts, Sorry you're all going through tough times though.
I had a very annoying conversation with someone the other day, who was praising her teens, and telling me it's all about getting out what you put in.
I was fuming inside, I bloody well put loads in! I know I've been a good mother, but I'm not getting anything back!

Yea whoppi great expression is tough, I’ve also had helpful comments like Pitt you let him give up ....soccer, drama etc
I wasn’t a lazy parent, I’d have driven him to the moon, he gave up on his family at the same time.

This is like a virtual room with a kettle
I’m so glad to have company x

I've just sobbed in the car driving dd to her activity. I will now sit for four fucking hours while she does this activity then drive another 2 hours home.

She was indifferent, well should I say seemed indifferent. She's a world class athlete and has the chance of going to World Championships next year. She LOVES the sport she does, but I'd give anything for her to drop it. I spend every second of my spare time in car parks waiting, while she trains and every penny of my meagre income.

Not a fuck does she give. What do I do, stop taking her and she loses that one chance forever or carry on and hope my real DD will come back soon. Spent the weekend discussing it with her. I say discussing, it was me trying to have an adult conversation and her sneering.

I've decided to carry on. She's does her chores around the house and def isn't waited on hand and foot. But would just like a little "something" back.

Sorry rambling, sitting in the sun, in another car park bawling my eyes out. I don't want to do this anymore.

Oh @Godmother it'll all be worth it when you get a mention in her SPOTY acceptance speech. Although you should start looking out for cheap spa day offers every now and then so you get something special too.

Checking in.

Was stood in the kitchen earlier thinking about how desperately sad I feel when she's being bloody minded. I feel like a need a good sob.

thegod
It sounds back breaking. Is there possibly other parents with whom you can share transport. Or maybe talk to her coaches?
Get yourself off to a Cafe and have a break while you are waiting. You deserve it.
This from someone who spend hours in minus degrees watching dd horseback riding 👋.

I came across some baby pics earlier and started crying

Just got called a cunt by dd15 because she wants £20 to go out but I said no, so that’s her life ruined. Then ds14 pipes up if she’s getting £20 he wants the same and now they’re both stomping about.
She’s got a non uniform day on Friday and I’ve ordered her a few outfits from ASOS to try on as a surprise- feel like just sending them all back and letting her go in something she already has. Don’t know why I bother sometimes.
So tempted to book in at the hotel down the road for the night to get away from them.

Oh halfblood you're not. a c word you are a superstar.

It will just take a while for your teen to notice.