Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

[Luby40]

I have teenage twins.......I cried myself to sleep last night then woke after 2 hours and couldn't get back to sleep for worrying.......I'm on the edge!
I have an appointment at school this afternoon 🤦‍♀️
I feel your pain OP, you are most certainly not alone 💐🥂

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

Lubey

[Ramanama]

It’s making me feel much better that so many of you are going through the same nightmare with your teenagers. My 14 year old son has ADHD, anxiety and OCD and I don’t know which behaviours are down to these and which are just hormonal teenage stuff. It’s a rollercoaster. School doesn’t help.

[Pegsinarow]

Ramanama and Luby

[Pegsinarow]

I hope the school meeting is going/went well Luby

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Me too Lubey but one is very chilled, not much hassle at all 💐

[EntirelyAnonymised]

Honestly, people wax lyrical about how tricky the ‘terrible twos’ are but they are NOTHING compared to what teens can be. They can be lovely, funny, charming and kind one minute and inexplicably, selfishly, woundingly vile the next and it can go on for years and years. Relentless.

It is extremely challenging and puts untold pressure on marriages/adult relationships too.

You aren’t alone. I’ve said it before. Teenage behaviour is nature’s way of cutting the emotional apron strings and preparing us for them flying the nest.

[Pegsinarow]

Indeed Entirelyanonymised and correspondingly, there is (happily) a fair amount of support for parents of toddlers but not so much re: teens. And I think there is a lot of (understandable) sympathy for those going through adolescence but not so much for their parents. It feels a very lonely place at times!

And yy to the pressure put on relationships. My dd very cleverly tries to divide and rule and as dh and I have very different parenting styles, she often succeeds!

[Whoops75]

I want someone to come and take my ds away and bring him back fixed!!

His remorse lasted one day, then the bad behavior crept back.

I bought him hair dye but because of the bleach his hair has a ginger hue. He said he’s going to bleach it again tonight.
He has no school and his biggest concern is his stupid hair.

Lubey x

[FelixTitling]

Flapjack - so scary - .

[BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo]

I’ve been reading this thread with interest, can I ask you all a question, did you behave the way your teenagers are behaving with your own parents? I know I didn’t, we’ll certainly not to the extent as shown on here, with violence and viscous name calling etc, and I think the reason was in my parents day when I was growing up children did not seem to be put first, the parents were always more important (I’m talking in the 70’s and 80’s), we sort of were pretty much left to our own devices, the general parenting style in that era was completely different, I’m not saying it was better at all, I would have loved to have parents who were as interested and devoted as you are all on here, but do you think because you love your children so much, and do everything you can to facilitate their life that they use this against you, as they know they are the ones who hold the power to your happiness?

[Pegsinarow]

Interesting theories Bettyboo! I must admit I have pondered the same qs recently. I was brought up in a large family in the seventies (benign neglect parenting) and although we had our moments, we certainly did not speak to my mother in the same way as my DD speaks to me, because we were too fearful to do so! My mother was very strict and had quite an impressive temper (and slapped us when we misbehaved). At the same time, we didn't share the same closeness as (believe it or not!) my dd and I do (on a good day!).

I'm not sure I agree about teens holding total power over our happiness. Yes, parents are generally as happy as their least happy child. And (as mentioned in pp) I am often surprised as to the extent dd's mood affects mine, but I think if, as an adult, if one's overall happiness depends on another person, if that's your child, or spouse, or someone else, then that's not healthy. I wouldn't describe myself as entirely happy at the moment, but that's largely because of the menopause and the stage of life I find myself in, not really because of DD (but she certainly isn't helping) if that makes sense. I'm luckier than most because I have a good relationship (most of the time!) with DH, and good friends and am close to my family. Even so, this period is a bit crap currently! But I do anticipate it getting better, eventually.

I do think, generally speaking, our generation parents with more understanding of the individual child nowadays. And I think that's a good thing. And I think it's right that family and society in general is more child centred. I've no idea if that is the cause of current day teen angst - I wouldn't have thought so - but there is a balance to be struck I suppose.

[WhoopiGoldbergsCat]

Betty I've been asking myself that same question.
I was pretty much left to my own devices as a teen as my parents split when I was 15 and they were both preoccupied.
I wasn't rude to them and never called them names, however I was awful in other ways.
I smoked, drank cider down the woods, and was sleeping with boys
I was very sneaky and just did what ever I wanted to, so really selfish!
I'm sure parents weren't so invested n those days! Maybe I'm wrong, I'd like to hear from other posters too.
The thing I keep reminding myself is of how utterly self centred I was, With no thought to anyone else!

[Luby40]

Morning ladies, my meeting went really well, thank you.....phew!! It seems my dd is turning a corner and this time the parent who decided to text me abuse to tell me what my kids were up to had got it wrong and it's now her turn to own a horrible teen!! Its going to be a long journey but if she keeps on this road hopefully things will start to improve and I might start to get some sleep! As for my ds he wasnt involved this time either! So after 2 hours sleep and an awful day of worry yesterday I feel so much more relieved today.......I just now need this other parent to leave me alone, if shes true to her word then I will be having a police visit today......joy!! When will this all end eh 🤔
Pegsinarow you are so right, my dd got into serious trouble a month ago and I had no idea how to deal with it, my dh and I got into trouble as kids but nothing like this so neither of us knew what to do......I searched everywhere for help but the only help was up to 5 years old. I looked for a parent and teen group but nothing unless they have adhd.......there is definitely a need for groups/classes.
I really believe the problems with youth today is theres no consequences......they can do what they want and get away with it! Yesterday in the meeting I asked why the parent that had been messaging me was not going to be informed it was actually her dd and not mine......he said theres no point with certain parents!! REALLY!!
I am a minority at their school that actually grounds my dc and takes their phones off them, a parent told me I was brave for deleting my dd social media accounts and taking her phone off her because her dd would never allow it.......and theres the problem!!!
I would never have spoken to teachers the way kids do today because I'd have had a very sore arse and been grounded......I feel it's the parents fault for being too scared to disciple in case they get into trouble! I think my dc would be a lot worse if there were no consequences......
I hope you all have a stress free day, the sun is shining here so we are having friends round.....I'm screaming inside praying my dc behave and I don't need to put an extra burger on for the police officer 🤞🤞 xx

[Pegsinarow]

Good to hear the meeting went much better than anticipated Luby! That's great news! And at possibly feeding the police man! Hope you can have a lovely stress-free time with your friends today and a bit of normality.

I think you are right about consequences. We take dd's phone away but I know we are perhaps too lenient with her (to be totally honest) because she already seems so stressed we don't want to cause more upset. But I know at the same time that DD causes upset sometimes, precisely to avoid responsibility! Aargh it's such a minefield.

It's even more confusing because some of the best parents I know (ie their DC have grown up to be kind, responsible, productive adults) without exception say they were "as soft as anything". I do think the key maybe though is to get DC to take responsibility for their own actions and natural consequences are all part of that.

The misery has started up again here. DH and I went out (first time without DD in seven months) to visit local friends and their teens for 2.5 hours yesterday evening. DD was invited but declined the invitation saying she was tired and had a bit of a stomach ache. We asked her if she felt ok to be left alone. (The answer was yes.). We asked if she wanted one of us to stay with her (the answer was no). I made her a sandwich and we left. Once there, our friends' teens asked if DD was coming and offered to meet her half way but the answer to our txt explaining this was "no, I'm working".

However, when we got back all hell broke lose; screaming and crying. Apparently, we were selfish for leaving her alone and she was hungry! Oh yes and I was "a cow and a terrible mother". When I said (fairly forcefully) that it had been entirely her decision to be alone and that at fifteen she was more than capable of making herself a quick meal , she said "she didn't mind being alone" but then went on to say "but I felt disappointed being left alone after working hard at school all week". When I asked "why didn't you say something then before we left" she said "she didn't want to ruin our evening". I didn't like to point out that our evening was now ruined by all the rudeness, the screaming and the shouting I despair!

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Interesting isn’t it comparing how our parents treated us. I realise I tiptoe around DD too much as I feel her mental health isn’t great and I don’t want to add any stress but that isn’t always the right way to be is it. Our parents generation rarely/if ever considered ‘mental health’.

[Midlifemumofteens]

pegsinarow I think that's what you call 'can't do right for doing wrong'! Sometimes you can't win. (I was sure that post was going to end with a story about her having an impromptu party or disappearing off for the evening)
I love the fact this thread has turned into a kind of support group
I was reflecting on the messages about whether we have brought all this bad behaviour on ourselves. Hmmmm. I can see both sides but really don't think anyone needs to feel any more guilt than they probably already do
In the past I used to work with parents of babies and toddlers and did a lot of research around attachment and brain development. Ironically I felt that all that warmth and nurturing while they were tiny was laying the foundations for a lifetime of security and a close bond. It certainly doesn't feel that way at the moment; it must be very well hidden! Anyway, DS is currently doing some homework and DD is home from uni for Mother's Day, so I'm going to try and relax and enjoy it while it lasts.....

[Pegsinarow]

Aye MidlifeMumofteens last night's conniption wasn't too bad in the scheme of things I suppose - and I found two chocolates on my pillow when I went back upstairs this morning ! So all is calm again! Oh the highs and lows!

That's interesting about the nurturing point. Although I have read (was it in that "get out of my life but first drive Alex and me in to town" book? - not sure! ) that those teens most closely attached to their parents, or who are finding the transition to adulthood most difficult, are those whose behaviour is the most challenging when "extracting" themselves.

Hope you have a lovely relaxing afternoon!

[Pegsinarow]

Indeed Bigsandyballs! I suppose life was simpler then to a degree, who knows!

[strawberrisc]

I’m just dipping in and out for now but appreciate you all so much. My lovely DD said today she’d wish she had been “a miscarriage”. So wrong on so many levels but she’s not a drama queen, she has serious MH issues. It really broke me though.

[Pegsinarow]

Oh Strawberrisc

[BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo]

Thank you for your insight to my question Pegsinarow it has been very thought provoking, your upbringing sounds very similar to mine and I’m sure a lot of others from our generation, it’s really interesting to see how the parenting style has changed with the next generation, I wonder if the change is because of the ‘benign parenting’and being scared of our parents during the 70’s and 80’s, that parents now don’t want their children to feel the way they did and so have gone in the opposite direction? For example your situation with your daughter and not coming with you to see your friends, my parents would have just announced they were off out, if I said I had a stomach ache they may have at best, said their are some Rennies in the cupboard whilst reving their car engine!

Were we better off for 70’s style parenting? In some ways I think we were, I think we are more independent, resilient and less selfish, nothing has been handed to us as we made our own way in the world as we were never put first, but on the flip side off that, if I had had parents who were more interested in my life and had given encouragement and guidance and were people you were not scared to confide in I think I would have been a far more confident young adult and possibly had made better life choices as a result.

It does seem however, I think, that the ‘power balance’ has gone too far the other way and as Luby says there is a lack of consequences, not just from parents, but from schools and the way society now is in general, it does feel that bad behaviour is rewarded, the teen kicks off the whole family is affected, and they are the centre of attention yet again, it’s sort of self perpetuating for them, their status and importance in the households gets bigger and bigger the more they behave badly.

midlifemum apologies if my post sounded like I was blaming parents, that was not my intention at all, it’s just me being interested in this thread and my musings on why possibly teenagers behave the way they do, I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad.

What will be very interesting is when they become parents themselves, will they be as selfless everyone on here? or will they revert to ‘benign parenting’ because they have always come first, the concept of putting themselves second is alien to them, they might turn into 70’s style parents!!

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Happy Mother’s Day to you all 💐.

[strawberrisc]

Happy Mother’s Day to all you lovely ladies xxx