Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Hi @trisha how old is he? It sounds like he's doing well for the most part. Be kind to yourself it really is hard work.

Thank you, he's 15 and thinks he knows everything!

trishababyblue18 I see u found the thread welcome
Have a good read through its like a novel to me and I keep referring back when I have a bad day.
I am just a terrible worrier need to relax more and I would have more peace. She was asking about alchol on way to school this morning she hasnt started yet but asking is enough to drive me nuts.

@mcmen71; you sound like me; I get triggered by things my DS says. He is a weed smoker and I try to keep the lines of communication open, but in reality I get very upset when he wants to talk about it.

I've been reading along and first and foremost huge hugs to you all! I'm a mom of an 18.5 year old DS-he's special needs and life is drastically different for DH and I with him vs your lives though we do sometimes feel held hostage to him! For instance he has cerebral palsy due to medical malpractice and prematurity-he can do almost nothing for himself but at age 14 he hit puberty and had bipolar symptoms-almost 2 weeks without sleep and then became aggressive and violent towards me. Eventually he was committed and spent 3.5 months away at a couple inpatient psychiatric facilities a far distance from us. He was stabilized and has been home on three Rx medications for his mood disorder. To be honest I really wonder what he would've have been like as a teenager had he not had any medical issues he's so stubborn and obstinate!!
Best of luck to all of you-I have no advice except to take time for self care you deserve it!

Good morning Po TS!

Thank you for the hugs EXGEMS and for posting. I can't imagine how one copes with the anger and deluge of feelings that must accompany medical malpractice. What an incredibly hard time you have had, and are still having! . Your post makes me feel rather ashamed for complaining when you have so much on your plate - how awful for you to have to deal with violence and your lad being hospitalised so far away which must have been incredibly stressful - it also serves to show how necessary it is for our children to become teens and how adolescence is keen to make itself well and truly felt! Good luck to you and your lovely lad and please keep posting if it's helpful.

Squeegle and McMen71 I don't know if this NSPCC link is any good but it contains info on how to speak to your DC about drugs and alcohol and the site contains other contact links.

And this NSPCC link contains advice on how to speak to DC about difficult topics.

EXGEMS hugs to you, hope you have easier times ahead.

I'm on tenterhooks at the moment. For the last 3.5 years DD1 has produced a (usually self-induced) 'crisis' of some sort or another at least every 3 months. It has been around 2.5 months since the last one, so now I'm all tense waiting to see what's coming next …

Don't meet trouble half way.

Sorry for what you are all going through.

@EKGEMS you make my life seem so easy. hugs to you and your family.

Thank you so much!

A little trivial but mine seems extraordinarily uptight today. When she's like this, she gets agitated and seems to make noise for the sake of noise and fidgets and squirms and seems to annoy people deliberately.

At the moment, she is downstairs singing full pelt. Earlier, she came and sat right next to me and started watching video clips on, off, on, off. When I told her to go somewhere else, turn it down or use headphones, she yelled and I ended up having to leave my own living room for my own sanity, with her screaming because I turned the light out, demanding I turn it back on and then slamming the door behind me.

It leaves me with this low level tension and anxiety, waiting for the shoe to drop

Hello everyone. This thread is really helping me feel less alone but having a tough week. DS (16) is about to sit GCSEs and appears to have zero motivation to revise. Has done approx 5 hours revision over the whole of the Easter hols and I'm really anxious that he's not going to turn up for his exams or if he does, will write virtually nothing on the exam papers. He is a bright kid but has totally changed in the past two years. He is smoking (tobacco and weed), and generally going out and not telling us where he is or who he is with. He feels at 16 he should have more freedom but he still has an early curfew (no later than 9, 8 during the week) It's impossible to stop him from going out. Totally defiant at school and at home. Seems to be detaching himself from us and has a no feeling of self-worth; just lies on his bed scrolling through his phone (yes, I have taken this away from time to time but it makes matters even worse) It makes me so sad. Yesterday he refused to go to school at all (this is not unusual) and I eventually managed to speak to a GP. Referred us to the school nurse team as due to the drug use and low mood he may be able to get some counselling. That's only if he engages with the help though, which I'm not sure he will.

He won't be staying on to do A Levels but has no interest in looking for a college course or an apprenticeship. It's like he has no interest in the future, which I know is linked to depression. Hoping ssomeone can tell me there's light at the end of the tunnel??

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I've had a really tough night with ds17 and it helps to know I'm not the only mum going through tough times. He came home drunk tonight, covered in vomit and crying saying that he wanted to die. I thought we were making progress over the last week but not so sure now. I phoned Camhs emergency line and just cried.

This has been going on for a year. On ads since September and now finally seeing camhs but only after we presented at A&E after a failed attempt at overdosing..

He self medicates with weed, alcohol and illegal prescription drugs. I have taken away his bank card tonight with his permission. He wants to get better which is a good thing.

A levels are unsurprisingly not going so well.. College have not been too supportive and were not happy when I asked for a reduced timetable. I'm guessing he won't get in tomorrow with a hangover and beer fear...

Sorry for the rambling, and I forgot to say hello! My name is Tarrara and I'm going slightly loopy being the mum of a teen with mh issues!

Morning all

@gandalf I can completely relate to that, I hate people playing mobile devices with the sound on in a communal space at best. Fortunately we had enforced that rule from quite early on so is rarely an issue but it does sound like she was deliberately trying to wind you up. I am still waiting for the walking on eggshells feeling to go away even though for the most part its been fine. We've just entered exam periods and this is I think the first time we haven't had full blown stress out, although there's still time. Don't dismiss your feelings Its not trivial at all, its constant stress and the number of times I've seen things like this on an abusive partner thread where they are in a mess waiting for the next temper blow out, whereas because these are our children we are expected to smile and accept it.

@midlife hope you're ok this morning, this sounds very familiar to what some of my DCs friends dealt with. From my own experience it does get a bit easier once the exams actually start, at the moment the whole thing is completely overwhelming. Focus on the now more than the future, try and get him outside (although good luck with that one) remove as much of the stress as you possibly can. The good news with the GCSE revision is as a general rule they have done so much at school anyway if he's bright he should do ok. Hope the school nurse team can help. Once the exams are over then start to worry about the what next. Point out that legally he has to stay in training until 18 even if that is a Mcdonalds apprenticeship. It does get better as they mature.

Morning @Tarrarra This is the year that my DD2 really struggled with she had a whole load of social crap going on too which didn't help. She did sit her AS levels (before they stopped doing them) did badly but then changed course to go to college and was a totally different person. Is now doing really well. I guess from the college's point of view so many kids go through this at this age if they all asked for reduced timetable it would be chaos, but as this has been becoming an increased issue in recent times you'd think they'd get better at handling it. Keep at them, your DS's health is more important than their attendance stats and they need to work with you. But as much as they are in their own little 'he has to do it now' bubble there are still plenty of other options further down the line when he is well. Wishing you a peaceful day and hoping he's not a grumpy hung over person.

Hi Po Ts! Another one walking on eggshells here! Exam revision is cranking up and so are the stress levels, so I know what it is like to be waiting for the next "explosion" Teentimestwo ; you have my sympathies! Equally Gandalf46 mine goes through days of being quiet and monollyllabic, followed by mad bursts of energy and loud music! It's not remotely calming to live with! I totally understand that feeling of underlying tension.

Midlifemumofteens that sounds agonising for you. Not many things are worse than watching someone you love and want to do well, struggle with motivation and disengage. It sounds trite, but I have known some teens call a halt on things like this, owing to exam pressure, or other life circumstances, and in retrospect, whilst agony for their parents at the time, they needed that "break" in proceedings to kind of process who they are now and catch up with themselves , and also to simply know that they can have that degree of control. Of the four teens I am thinking of, three came back in to the fold and studied and passed exams and one won a forces apprenticeship. So there is hope! I think some teens really struggle with having things imposed on them, but once they have more responsibility for themselves, after a few false starts, they get the bit between their teeth again. It's this in-between transition bit that is so horribly stressful while we have to stand and watch them suffer and go off down all sorts of rabbit holes. Hope the school nurse proves helpful.

Welcome to the thread Tarrarra! So sorry about the reasons you are joining us though! That's off the scale stress level stuff! It's positive that your DS wants to get better though, and remember that progress is rarely linear. Wise words as ever from Billy about unsupportive college. I hope your DS is not feeling too dreadful this morning and that you managed to get some sleep

And good luck to all Po Ts including Billybagpuss whose teens are "offloading" revision and exam stress on to us parents at the moment. And good luck to the teens themselves of course!

Without wishing to sound over the top and no I haven't taken to early morning gin drinking the more I read the posts on this thread, the more I feel genuinely humbled. So many parents/mothers, ploughing on through relentless agony and unbelievable stress, often while holding down jobs and looking after other DC, who are nonetheless hanging in there for their teens through thick and thin. Us parents may not be perfect and we may have huge wobbles but we are still "present" for our teens in very testing circumstances, and that takes huge love and commitment. It really is an honour being around you lot! . So things may be hellish, but take the time to give yourselves a pat on the back Po Ts! You deserve it!

Thank you for the welcome and the advice billybagpuss

Pegsinarow you've made my eyes leak with your kind words and flowers! I think you're right about progress not being linear.

I've been for a run this morning, it was a very slow one as I'm brewing a headache (probably stress related!) but I do feel better for getting some exercise. DS is in bed feeling ok, but possibly still drunk so I think he'll feel worse later. I've got to got to work this afternoon, but I know I'll be useless as I've had so little sleep. Game face on.

Hope everyone has a calm and peaceful day xx

Tarrara* well done on your run, I'vee signed myself up for Race for Life....I hope work is OK today x

Pegs you have helped me with your post and I think you hit the nails on the head [smile) thank you.

My Ds I hope will remember to attend his counselling today. He has been uncommunicative this week so I hope as Pegs says he is processing things and not having too many negative thoughts.

Have a good afternoon all

I can tell I've posted on my phone and missing correct buttons!

All of you "sportif" Po Ts are putting me to shame! Well done for exercising though! It's bound to be beneficial! And I must start following your good examples!

Tarrarra and Lightandairy glad posts have proved helpful but we are all just muddling along in the dark really! It's the fact that you are hanging in there that I am sure will make the most difference in the end!

And "speaking" of "muddling along in the dark", further to Xeroxarama's post of 27/04, 16.03 , I have sent a message (before I forget!) to Mumsnet HQ to ask if they could possibly organise a web chat offering (preferably realistic) advice from someone who has been there and done it and has the t-shirt, to parents of Po Ts who are going through the mill currently. I will let you know how they respond!

The support we can access on here from one another is really great, but I must admit to feeling out of my depth sometimes when replying to posts about teen self harm and drug and alcohol use. (For example, I think it is wise to be cautious and I am always worried I am going to say the wrong thing - for example what if the general advice is "disengage" - and that was the last thing that should have happened?) Anyway, anyway, here's hoping we will be able to ask some questions of experts in the field and receive some concrete answers!

That's not knocking the collective experiences and wisdom offered on here btw - far from it - but it would be good to have a clearer picture of when a certain behaviour that was "normal for a teen" becomes an "issue that warrants professional help" or how much pressure to apply when a teen is disengaging or not to take just two examples among many.

Hope that is not too much of a ramble and vaguely makes sense Onwards!

Thanks for the comments. Im really glad people get me on here.

Thank you for picking up on that chat idea @pegsinarow- I hope they manage it.
School seems such a stressor for our kid. I can’t figure out if it’s this school or all schools but he finds the whole thing so wearing and so many things to go wrong.

That was a great suggestion Xeroxarama and thanks for following it up with MNHQ Pegs. I too think it would be really useful.

Hope all you PoTs with teens starting exams are hanging on in there and things aren't too stressful

💐abd🥂to you all.

Sigh, another day when DD lied about going to school (year 13 so about to take A levels).
She was about to get up when I left for work, I then get a phone call and emails saying she should be in a mock. Rang DD who denied all knowledge and said she’d go in late.

More emails later to say she didn’t turn up at all. I don’t get it, she’s on the home stretch and will be out of there soon. I know she hates it but it’s just a few weeks.

This morning I was RAGING I was going to cut off any financial support so she couldn’t go out, except for the few quid she gets for her VERY part time job. I was also going cancel Saturdays shopping trip for clothes for a wedding coming up.

Now on the train home I see her as a slightly immature (for her age) girl who is stressed and unhappy about exams and terrified about the next steps and what she’ll do with her life .... preferring to bury her head in the sand ... who reverts to anger with me rather than show me any emotion like sadness or worry .....

It’s all such a roller coaster of emotions for us with these teens