Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

That's it BigSandyBalls it's perfectly possible to feel utter fury and compassion for them at the same time! It's exhausting!

No wonder you were raging - I find lying sometimes more infuriating than the original thing they were trying to cover up - at the same time they sometimes aren't clear in their own minds about why they are behaving in a certain way I think.

Sorry you had such a stressful day

Waves to Xeroxarama , Staywithmemyblood , Gandalf and everyone else.

Aw, Sandy well done for recognising the frightened girl behind the mask of defiance It's so hard to remember this when their actions are so self destructive and infuriating. I forget this all the time when DD makes bad decisions or blames me for everything.

Waves back Pegs

@Midlifemumofteens and @Tarrarra thank you for your posts. I've been lurking on this thread for a while and taken a lot of comfort and advice from it but your two posts last night have prompted me to join in.

@Midlife my DS sounds so similar to yours (apart from the weed as far as I know). He's currently on "study leave" having not gone back to school after the spring holiday, he was averaging two days a week before then. He is sleeping late (I know I could nag him even more than I do to get up but that means the day will definitely be s bad one) and revising for around 2 hours per day, but all very half heartedly.

He was referred to CAMHS in October and after an initial triage appointment in feb (and an A&e admission following a small overdose) is still waiting for counselling. I've toyed with going private but have been advised to wait as it can be confusing to have two different counsellors/approaches.

Tonight he's really down and has been out walking round the streets for an hour. He's home now but so so angry - all aimed at me for not being able to help him. - big also at himself I think because he can't articulate what's in his head.

I am so worn out with worry, and sure I'm not helping him because I often get upset when talking to him. I know it's really unhelpful but it's the way I react to stress.

I also have DD12 who is bearing the brunt of his moods and I can't have that but I'm constantly torn between wanting to bollock him and wanting to hug him because I can see how much he's hurting.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Thank you to OP and regular posters (am in the app so can't see usernames to tag) for this lifeline of a thread.

I will join in more in future

howtotellhim welcome to the thread sorry you are having such a rough time there is a couple off links further up that pegs the op recommended might help
I too get reduced to tears when trying to talk to my dds think its a mum thing. We just love them so much and want to make everything right for them, that we get sad if things go wrong or we see them hurt or stressed.

Hello P oTs ! I've been lurking/following this thread for a while now, being a Po2 Ts, both about to take exams (A levels and GCSEs) and a pre-teen who sometimes behaves more like a teen than the other 2 put together (I currently have bruising on my arm from his last 'episode'). I just want to say, thank you all: I have days when I feel like I can't do this any more, but reading your posts, support and experiences helps me to get perspective and feel less alone. So thank you to all and wishing all your teens perspective and some peace over the next few weeks.

Thank you Pegsinarow for your kind observations about relentless agony and unbelievable stress! Today has felt very much like that. I managed to get DS an appointment with telephone counselling but he refused to talk to them, saying it wouldn't help. School phoned at 10.45 to say he hadn't turned up and I managed to contact him but discovered he wasn't at home - no idea where he's been all day. Spent evening moping in his bed. No revision of course and no communication with me apart from the odd grunt and some texts. Just found out that his GCSE study leave has been revoked so he's supposed to go into school to revise - I can't see that happening, though. I was told by a friend that I need to stay strong because he is drawing his strength from me and that he needs to know that someone is out there fighting his corner. So that's what I'm trying to do, but it's so hard when I just feel like crying. (He texted today to say 'I know I'm a let down') DH is oblivious to all this and is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Hugs to everyone else going through these stresses

captainNelson welcom glad this thread is helping you. It gives us comfort that we are not alone. Good for venting. Good luck to your teens with their exams.

Good morning! Great to have more newcomers to the thread! Welcome!

Midlifemumofteens Howtotellhimtofuckoff and CaptainNelson . You are all doing wonderful things for your dcs, battling for them to get under-resourced support in school, and battling with them to increase their engagement and motivation. I can totally understand the "worn out with worry" comment. Even if they don't appreciate it now, they know (somewhere deep in their core) that you are there and that you are on their side. It's so hard when school and exam issues pile more pressure on to an already pressurised situation.

Having said all that, I think teens sometimes assume that everyone is against them as a sort of default position and seem to interpret parental love and concern for their futures, as attacks. I find myself repeating constantly phrases like "we wouldn't be getting at you so much if we didn't care" and "we are concerned because we love you so much and want you to have as many choices as possible in the future" which I am sure DD interprets as, "I can never do anything right" and "everyone hates me". [sigh] As McMen71 says, it's enough to reduce you to tears sometimes. It's also really hard call to know when to deliver a swift kick to the rear (metaphorically speaking!) or when to back off.

Midlifemumofteens your son's text "I know I'm a let down" brought a bit of a lump to my throat

Howtotellhimtofuckoff I think we can all identify with "I am constantly torn between wanting to bollock him and hug him" in fact, it could easily be the title of our next thread!

CaptainNelson hear hear to "peace and perspective"! We can all do with more of that I am sure!

Morning waves to Staywithmemyblood and to everyone else! Wishing everyone as calm a w/e as it is possible to have with teens in the house!

DD is hosting a sleepover tonight here [girds loins] . What possessed me to agree to it given her behaviour of late I do not know . ( DH literally groaned when I told him.). Wish me luck Po Ts!

pegs wishing you luck for the sleepover tonight. I think you're doing the right thing even if your dd has not been well behaved. If we keep on saying no they may think we never do anything for them anyway so they carry on!

Howtotellhim sorry to hear your dd is bearing the brunt of the moods. I was very worried for my dd's safety a while back as ds at his lowest was very angry and lashed out at his sister. It shocked him into agreeing to visit GP, thank goodness, for help with anger management. Really hard empathising with one, and looking after the other. Luckily that has passed.

All quiet here, no distress from ds, but sitting in front of pc being a bit miserable. Had to nag as ds needs to book open days at uni, very unmotivated.

Thanks Lightandairy! I agreed because we have had fewer explosions than normal in the past fortnight and less rude backchat, and it's their last hurrah before exam revision starts in earnest. Fortunately her two bfs are lovely girls and v sensible!

Sorry your DS is so down. Does he know what he wants to study at uni? Is he interested in any particular subject or future career? My nephew didn't and he worked in a pub for a year (while living at home which was a bit of a nightmare for my dsis and bil) but he eventually emerged with a clearer idea of his goals.

He's always found change difficult Pegs and it is at a fast rate now....no sooner has he started college and settled in there's uni to consider. He knows what he wants to study though which is good. Also has always struggled with people. I feel bad saying this hearing everyone with teens who are worried sick not knowing where they are - but I wish he'd go out and enjoy himself! He is upset at having no social life.

At the moment he's not entertaining any suggestions from me. I did ring college and they said a communication will go out soon to tell them they need to organise work experience which I hope will focus him. I am working on being positive for him and hoping his low mood will lift.

13 year olds.me: ‘Please clean your teeth’ him: ‘Don’t ever talk to me like that again’.

How dare you, Xeroxarama!

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

hark at you Xeroxarama with your outrageous suggestions!

Lightandairy yes I guess the pace of change through A levels/uni is very fast, but each change, although scary, will bring a new opportunity to potentially make friends and broaden horizons. And it's logical that, just like with infants starting school for the first time, not all teens are ready to branch out at exactly the same age, some take a little longer to establish themselve. I'm sure your ds will get where he wants to be, especially as he has such a supportive mum!

Haha @xerox what did you answer?

Xerox and everyone, wrt getting some (realistic) experts in teen matters on for a Q & A : I've received a very nice reply from MumsnetHQ, saying no promises but they will put the idea to their Press Team and will get back to us. So here's hoping!

Waves to Billy and everyone else! Sleepover survived fine here thank heavens, no dramas.

Just reading through the threads most people are repeating the same things over and over, rude thoughtless and deceitful in one way or another. I think it's the grumpy thoughtless behaviour that gets me down

Agree. I hate the way they think they can lie convincingly- but actually can’t and then get angry with me for daring to disbelieve them.

OMG MachineBee

I hate this too! Last Friday DD had a sleepover and somehow had acquired some alcohol (whiskey i think ) and was quite clearly drunk, slurring words and well, we're not thick are we, we just know!

I called her out on it and you would of thought I had accused her of murder! Lied through her teeth and was trying to convince me she had not had a drop.

They totally believe their own lies and dd gets so bloody irate if I dare to question her, even if I have evidence.

Utterly pisses me off.

They totally believe their own lies and dd gets so bloody irate if I dare to question her, even if I have evidence.

We definitely get this too, even though she was too drunk to stand up. It was a dodgy chinese! according to Dd.

Ive been lurking and fear i need to join. I cant cope with my 13 year old son. Im so sad.

Advice my dd is looking to have a 16th birthday in July which I dont mind. We went to inquire about it and we where told that I would be responsible for anyone underage drinking. There would be a mixture of ages 14 -19 Older ones from her drama. I would hate this responsibility but don' t want her not to have a party. We live in country to far for her friends to come to house.

mcmen would renting a mini bus and making it a sleep over at yours be an option?
No matter if it's at a venue or at your home, the drinking will be your responsability. Hope this doesn't make it worse for you, but put it into perspective. But I would have some kind of adult supervision. Try and be positive and think of how many birthdays are a success, perhaps you could limit the consumption per person, eg 2-3 beers/person?

Hi, to all newcomers, I'm one of those out of the teen woods. Trying to help, if I can.
Wishing you all peace of mind this weekend 👋.

Mcmen. My dd has a party in November last year. Most of them would have been 14yo.

There was copious alcohol, including spirits. Cigarettes, weed, mdma and nos canisters, all brought into my house, right under my nose.

Never, ever again am I hosting a teenage party. The responsibility is huge and most parents did not have a clue.

It was shocking and very eye opening!

If you do host, good luck and don't make it too big is all I can say.

That’s terrifying!
Spent all day today telling ds to put his phone down. So depressing! I’m tempted to put screentime limits on it but he would ‘feel controlled’ and behave even more foully. He’s already verging on the violent and awful when he loses it.