Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

xeroxarama they do turn us into nags don't they 🤔. Instead of threatening to limit screen time, try to opt for his attention. Eg. Can we take a walk, play a board game, will you help prepare dinner? Suggest things you know he likes (if any). Try to engage in positive ways, and avoid the conflicts. I know it is easier said than done, but it is so easy to be reduced to being the annoying parent.

I do agree. He won’t do anything though, especially if I suggest it. Relations have broken down atm.

It is so difficult. Teens today have access to a whole host of things my generation didn’t. The worst that appeared at my own teen parties was a bottle Cinzano Bianca and a Party Seven of beer.

When my DDs were teens there were more spirits but still no drugs that I was aware of

These days it scares the living daylights out of me how easily my DSC can obtain drugs. And how they normalise them.

Good morning! Just wrote long post and lost it all but summary was ...

Welcome to the thread MrsBlondie. We are here if you need to vent .

LittleBillie MachineBee Pasanda and Somewhereovertheroad I always thought I could tell when my dd was lying but the other day she said she was very good at it as though it was a valued skill, which has me slightly worried. I told her that it wasn't something to necessarily be proud of

That's a very difficult one McMen71. I think it depends on how well you know your dd's friends and trust them and whether they drink or not. My dd is sixteen in the summer so we have just discussed this very same issue. She's said she doesn't want a party and is happy with two or three friends coming around so I am mightily relieved tbh. My dsis and bil hosted a party at their home for my dnehphew. And even though they were present, the party had not been advertised on-line, alcohol was discouraged, their experience was a bit like Pasanda's , one or two people smuggled in alcopops and my dsis and dbil ended up having to clean red sticky vomit up from all over the house. And my bil had to step in when other teens who dnephew didn't know tried to gatecrash through the garden. Ever since, my dsis's advice to me is "don't do it'. I guess if I were to host a party outside of my home, I would try and involve fellow parents and share the supervision, having had a briefing about when to step in, who is responsible for what. Even with that though, if you are ultimately responsible for any drinking, it is a tricky one to take on. Everything might be fine, but on the other hand ... . [Sorry - not very helpful.]

Sorry about phone battle Xeroxarama . I think Ticklingcheese's distraction advice is excellent but if he won't engage then personally I would turn off the wi-fi and impose conditions on him earning it back. I've found it has to be turned off for a reasonable chunk of time though before it has any impact. I am not particularly confident in my parenting but I make a stand with this particular issue because I have seen dd transform from being someone who is surly, rude, lazy, disengaged, in to a completely different calmer, kinder, engaged, altogether nicer and more productive character when her phone use has been restricted. I don't have to do it very often, because turning it off has definitely made her regulate her phone use better (I've told her if she doesn't do this then I have to step in and regulate it for her) but I have really found it to be effective. The withdrawal period is hideous though (and I do really think this is an addiction) so you have to do it when you are feeling strong and have support. Having said all of that, you know your own child better than anyone, I am not facing potential violence, so that advice could be completely wrong in your ds's case and I could well be talking through my hat. Good luck with however you decide to handle it.

Waves to Ticklingcheese and everyone else. Wishing everyone a peaceful Sunday!

xpost Machinebee agree, alcohol bad enough (a student in my year at uni died from alcohol poisoning) but drugs makes it even scarier.

Drug taking is so normalised nowadays that getting them is often cheaper and easier to obtain than alcohol.

I know my dd has dabbled but talking to her about the dangers etc is like talking to a brick wall tbh. She is so irrational it's irritating!

Xero. I feel your pain. If I threatened to remove DD's phone world war 3 would erupt and her doing anything with me/the family would be met with a 'no thanks' and a scornful look.

Drugs really seem to be normalised; my DS says “it’s only a bit of weed mum”, as if I am irrational and crazy. But he is 14, prone to depression and has ADHD and his father had a massive problem with alcohol. So, I hate to see him going down this path. I don’t want him to hide the fact that it’s going on, but it’s not easy to deal with. I rang FRANK, but they weren’t that helpful, they basically said that he has to see it as a problem- and at the moment he doesn’t! So am really unsure what to do. Am also another one grateful for this thread as I realise I am not alone in being pushed to the edge of sanity by my teen. They often make you feel as though you are completely crazy!

They do indeed squeegle.

But we're not. We are definitely the sane ones!!

It helps me to sometimes think of them as having brain damage. You know, the frontal cortex development thing going on. That thought calms me for a while and it allows me to hope that when their brains are all repaired, they will again be normal. Because it stresses me out to think that dd might be so irrational and shouty and hysterically over the top about everything as an adult!!

That’s shocking from Frank! True I know, but how to get him to realise..

My dd is 15 and just about to do GCSEs. She is VERY young for her age and does have autistic traits (recognised by the school) but doesn't want a formal diagnosis. She does not go out socially at all and has no interest in appearance, music, friends. She says she's happy on her own and doing her own thing which in all honesty she appears to be so I don't push. She has refused to go to her prom. It is so totally not her thing so I get that. They are having a graduation ceremony at school that she also REALLY doesn't want to go to. She says it's making her stressed and anxious and with her GCSEs so close I'm trying to keep anxiety away. Also they are to dress 'smart' for this occasion. DD has nothing at all that could be called smart and will not hear of me getting her something new to wear. Should I push for her to attend this ceremony? Really don't want her missing everything and maybe regretting it when she's older!

Sorry for crashing the thread but on reading through it sounds like some of you may understand. None of our friends/family seem to. The concensus is we should force her to do stuff as it would 'do her good'

Morning all, just checking in to say that all relatively calm here atm, DS being actually quite pleasant and co-operative (but is aware he has to earn back his Leeds festival ticket after the shenanigans of Easter week).

to all struggling

Blacktuesday I wouldn't force her, I think she is more likely to resent you for making her go than regret choosing not to.

Thank you. It's so tough though. I feel like I am failing as a parent if I don't encourage her to do all these things. On the other hand I don't want to make her unhappy. I'm also terrified how she'll cope at 6th form. School have been good with her and she is comfortable there.

I wouldn't worry about your DD not attending the graduation ceremony Blacktuesday - just keep her focussed on her exams. My DD suffers with anxiety too and trying to get her to go to things she doesn't want to is a recipe for disaster - anxiety levels skyrocket and she becomes totally resistant to all requests, no matter how reasonable. At the end of the day you can't force someone to do something they don't want to

Enjoy the period of calm auberginesrus. Long may it last

More ridiculous teen texts last night! DD was at a sleepover at her BFF's house. No school today due to May Day hol and BFF's mum told me she'd heard they were meeting friends at the local pool at some point -

Me : Hey! What's your plan for tomorrow?
DD: Dunno
Me: You not going to the pool with BFF?
DD: No
Me: Oh, you not invited?
DD: I am
Me: Why aren't you going then?
DD: I've got plans
Me: I just asked you your plans.........
DD: oh well

It's like dealing with the Secret Service ffs! No doubt her 'plan' will involve her expecting me to give her a lift at a moments notice too

Sorry staywithmemyblood couldn't help laughing at your text conv. You are just not as good at being evasive are you? 😁. Better start practicing, if she needs a lift or 10. Strenght to you 😀.

That text convo did make me laugh! SO typical.

I had dd come into my room last night at 0030 (when I was asleep) asking for a lift to her best friends house as she (best friend) was upset about something (but obviously wouldn't tell me what).

When I refused I had a guilt trip, a threat to walk there and her asking her brother for a lift.

In the end, after speaking to bff's mum, I checked on dd to see if she was OK and got 'yes I'm fine, I'm not the one in my room all alone crying my eyes out am I'. Daggers and a 'you are such a bitch and you never understand or help out' kind of look (conveniently forgetting all the fecking times I take her to and from her friends houses as we live in the middle of nowhere).

I then couldn't sleep as I was worried she would carry through her threat of walking there so kept checking the find friends tracker to make sure she was in fact still in her room.

She's only just got up now.....

Hi everyone,
Can l just say my son is almost 14:yrs old and suffering with low.mood, anxiety and panic. Cahms have been very helpful. One of the things they told.me.is that he picks up on my own anxiety, and it makes matters worse. l.have been so very stressed 're the fact he has not been in school. But since they mentioned that it really made me think. They also told me most teenagers manage to sort their own problems out themselves at some stage.It was hard initially but since stepping back from situation and getting a better perspective on things because l was in constant panic mode.myself constantly fearing the worst, there has been a significant improvement.
I really feel for everyone on here struggling. I take more time out for.myself.now and tell myself l m going to enjoy my day no matter what. I.don't let his moods affect me so much now as l know they pass like the clouds in the sky.
Big Thank you to Cahm for helping us at a very scary and difficult time. I know we're not out of woods yet but life.is.more.manageable.

I hope everyone is having a good bank holiday Monday (if in UK) assuming you don't have to work.

So many of us seem to have dc who suffer from anxiety. I am hopeful my ds will mature sufficiently to develop coping strategies in time for going away to university and also has more self esteem. Just taking things step by step. Today's teenagers seem to be much more anxious....it was a long time ago but I was under no pressure to get certain grades in GCSEs (O Levels in my day) and got a job at 17. They have so many more expectations put upon them.

Moonface123 It is good to hear CAMHS were helpful to your ds. It is great advice to step back and take time for yourself

staywithmyblood and passanda they are unbelieveably unreasonable sometimes!! A work colleague of mine, still quite young, said she remembers not seeing her Mum as a person in her own right until she got to about 28 and had her own home!

Enjoy rest of afternoon and evening everybody.

It’s so true about anxiety- you all get caught up in a whirl of it. Hard to escape! Another morning of verbal abuse as I tried to help ds with learning language vocab. He can’t bear it but without me ‘supporting ‘ he doesn’t do it and gets more and more behind. I feel no parent shoild tolerate the awful things he says to me, but punishing it doesn’t help. Testosterone at least partly responsible but I can’t live like this!

xeroxarama I have the same problem with my dd age 14 french and spanish. I sat last week with her writing out all neat for her all the topics for summer test she has to learn and have to argue with her to learn it I said are you ready for me to ask them to you She just goes completly off task. I just end up say its your life it gets so annoying

Hi black Tuesday I had similar with dd over a sports presentation if you give her the choice if she really does want to go deep down she will,with your support. Keep encouraging but let her make the final decision. It’s not a battle worth fighting.

Sixth form will be ok. As I’ve said a couple of times here if the first attempt doesn’t work there are options.

Welcome to the thread Moonface and Black Friday!

Pasanda and Squeegle let's hope we all remain vaguely sane by the time our teens have left home!

Agree about normalisation of drugs being shocking though and brain injury analogy v helpful!

Yay for relative calm Auberginerus!

That's so true about anxiety and increased pressure/expectations Lightandairy and v interesting about your colleague's anecdote. Its quite comforting really that teens don't see us as people in our own right. Certainly explains a lot! I think I'm currently viewed by DD as a combination of maid, chauffeur and wierd crabby person who nags, makes unreasonable demands, and only exists as an extension of herself

Brilliant to hear how helpful CAMHS are being to your ds Moonface and that things are more manageable now. And v reassuring to hear from professionals that most teens sort out their own issues given time. Also v helpful about stepping back a bit. It makes total sense that our own anxiety can have a negative impact on our dcs outlook. You can see how easily a negative spiral develops. Thank you for taking the time to post as it's good to hear a positive story

You are not failing BlackTuesday! Its very hard knowing how hard to push and when to back off. As others have said, you can't force a teen to do something they don't want to do, only persuade/encourage and then it's down to them. Could you consult with her form teacher about the graduation ceremony? Forget the clothes bit but maybe the school could arrange for her to opt in from the sidelines if she sees everyone else getting their certificates and wants to join in at the last minute?

Great convo Staywithmemyblood it's like getting blood our of a stone sometimes isn't it?

I'm fortunate in that my dd's school has them doing obligatory presentations on a weekly basis - which she hated at first and got really wound up about - but now it is seen as completely mundane and normal and boring thankfully. I'm relieved to have had that bit of parenting taken out of my hands tbh

McMen71 and Xerox good luck with ongoing hwk struggles. They will appreciate it one day even if they seem less than grateful now!

Hope you got a better quality of sleep last night Pasanda! you certainly deserve it. Gah, those guilt tripping phrases sound so familiar, in particular "You never understand"! Got to love the teen bff dramas! sometimes

Fist bumps to Billybagpuss Ticklingcheese and to everyone else.

Sort of calm-ish here although exam stress definitely making itself known. (Timetable received yesterday - eek.) Dh is away and dd spent half of yesterday evening (late) curled up on the bottom of my duvet and half of it listing my many shortcomings and sneering at me in a superior manner. Par for the course ATM. Trying to be a bit more Teflon and failing badly [sigh].

As Lightandairy says, step-by-step is the way to go Po Ts!

Thank you for all the good wishes and really useful advice. It's so hard to know what to do for the best sometimes! She really doesn't want to go to the graduation and is stressing so much about it I will let her decide what she wants to do. Its so nice to hear others understand. All my friends dc are so excited about prom, graduation etc and have chosen outfits. They can't understand why my dd doesn't want to go! I do worry how she'll get on in the world. She doesn't go out at all and would rather stay in her room with her soft toys than go anywhere. I'd love to be able to build her confidence somehow but no idea how. Sorry for everyone else struggling. Isn't parenting supposed to get easier?? ..

BlackTuesday (so sorry your nn came out as "BlackFriday" before; blame auto-correct or my foggy menopausal brain, one of the two probably the latter!)

isn't parenting supposed to get easier?
Aye, that's what I thought too!

Seriously though, I reckon that's why so many Po Ts in rl are reluctant to share, because we feel in ourselves that we should somehow have a handle on it by now ... .

Confidence building is definitely something to ask the expert about if one is forthcoming via MumsnetHQ (fingers crossed). It comes from being pushed out of one's comfort zones and succeeding/not finding it as scary as anticipated (I think) but how to know when not to push, or when to back off? And what to do when you do push, but they dig their heels in?

I am clueless tbh! I do agree with Billy down thread though that when they want to do something but are v worried about it, you sometimes catch a "vibe" from them that they want to be pushed a bit. Your DD sounds pretty adamant (and stressed) about graduation though BlackTuesday, she just maybe needs to feel she can go at a slower pace than her friends and needs the reassurance of having a bit of control over that maybe? Hope she feels ok on the night whatever she finally decides to do anyway!