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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

ds has run away.

135 replies

steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:25

ds is 16. He is pretty nice teen, in the middle of mocks now and working quite hard. He is a strong character, but respects the boundaries etc.

In other words, no issues really, other than normal teen moments.

We have had a row, it has been rumbling since Thursday evening, something happened between him and little sister and he doesn't think he is in anyway at fault depite admitted that he massively wound her up on purpose.

The internet was off on Friday night, because of this, and back on today, but the original argument has not been resolved. We were happy to let it go, but he came down and asked for an internet extension - it goes off at 10, and at the weekend remove that, but dh hadn't done it yet. The conversation started up again and he got really rude. Told dh he was talking bullshit, so dh said end of conversation, not having that.

5 minutes later ds went out through the garage took his bike and vanished.

I have been texting and phoning, and all I know is that he is on a train on his way somewhere, he won't say where.
He does get a train everyday to school, but it is a rural ish train from here to next town, and I don't think it is still running now.

What do I do?
Fundamentally he is sensible, and probably on the way to a school friends. He is also 6'3" so not actually afraid for he physical safety.

Dh says go to bed, he will come bakc tomorrow.

But despite being 16 he is not out partying or even out loads with friends at the weekend. they all live very dispersed and meet over x-box.

Just sitting here, wondering how dh can sleep, wondering what on earth I do.
I can't call police, he is just on a train, he is 16.
Sad

OP posts:
Blessthekids · 12/01/2019 23:30

Flowers for you OP

Gonna bump this for you. I would not be able to sleep and you have my sympathies. I hope he comes home soon.

ILoveChristmasLights · 12/01/2019 23:32

I would ask him to actually call you. Promise him you will not scream and shout. Talk to him, either go and collect him or make sure he’s got somewhere safe to stay.

He is 16,decent size lad, clearly with half a brain. He WILL be ok, but it’s ok to be worried. Some men can sleep completely irrespective of what else is going on...baffles me.

What happened with him and his sister? How old is she?

MrsEricBana · 12/01/2019 23:33

I'd have to find him if it was ds at that age. Keep ringing, establish where he is, fetch if not somewhere safe.

AnnabelleLecter · 12/01/2019 23:35

I would text and ask him if he has somewhere to stay and that you need to know he is safe. Hopefully he's probably going to sleep at a friends and DH is right he'll be back when he's cooled down.

Hezz · 12/01/2019 23:35

I would tell him that you need to know where he's going (and when he gets there) otherwise you'll have to start ringing around his friends parents to find him.

lljkk · 12/01/2019 23:35

Ah, oh dear. I feel for you.
Also admire how well you're handling this.
I could imagine texting him & asking him to assure you that he will find somewhere safe to spend the night. Don't say any other details, just ask him about whether he has a safe place for the night.
You're trying to guide him to make the best decisions he can right now, given how upset he is and he doesn't want to lose face.
X fingers you can make peace soon in the morning.

LovingLola · 12/01/2019 23:37

Is he speaking to you? Or just texting?

SirVixofVixHall · 12/01/2019 23:38

How worrying for you op. As he is tall, he probably easily passes for older, which is a good thing. I agree with texting and asking him to let you all know that he is safe at a friends or whatever.
16 is a very stressful age, old enough to have the confidence to go off on a train at night, but very young and inexperienced. Hopefully he will realise that this isn’t a sensible or kind thing to do, and you will be able to sort it out tomorrow.

pasanda · 12/01/2019 23:39

God OP. My worst nightmare.

How on earth your dh can sleep!! ShockShockShock

When you say you know he's on a train, I take it he texted you to let you know? Good that he
Communicated that. I would do as pp have said and ask him to at least confirm he will be staying somewhere safe tonight. Never mind where, just somewhere safe.

Good luck Thanks

Bumbelinadance · 12/01/2019 23:41

Hi op
I don’t have words of wisdom , just here with love and support
Bumping post
Please keep us updated
How worrying for you
I have a 12 year old Ds becoming challenging as teens approach .. angry young men you really love are hard I am learning
He is going to be ok , you know this inside of you

Ribbonsonabox · 12/01/2019 23:41
Flowers

Just text him and say youd appreciate him letting you know hes arrived safely at wherever it is hes staying tonight.
Then try and go to sleep (leaving your phone on loud in case he rings)

He will be absolutely fine.

I lived on my own hours away from my parents at 16. I know hes your baby but hes not really a child. You say hes usually sensible then hes very unlikely to put himself in a dangerous situation. In all likelihood he will just have gone to stay with a friend in order to make you worry.
It's a cruel stroppy thing of him to have done and when he gets back make it clear to him that he has hurt you by being cruel.
I guess he is trying to demonstrate that he is an adult and could leave if he wants to.... but you need to make him see that part of being an adult is acting responsibly and not inflicting pain on people who love you just because they wont turn the internet on!!

He will be back tomorrow dont worry.

Original poster
steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:44

I have asked him to call.
He turned phone off until he was on the train, then just sent me the message - on a train.
He isn't picking up phone, it goes to voicemail.

Have texted him I just need to know where you are going, so I know you are safe. No reply.

Sister is 11.
He was babysitting for her and when she wouldn't go to bed, he and dd1 decided to wind her up, pretended ds had gone out to meet a girl and left them alone. We came home to all 3 still up, dd2 in floods of tears and general mayhem.
Our point was dd2 misbehaved by not doing as she was told, and then you and dd1 misbehaved by creating mayhem. All 3 at fault, all 3 consequences.
dd1 and dd2 accept they were out of line and accept consequences. Ds says it was all dd2's fault, therefore he is not to blame.

It is part of a on-going conversation where he doesn't get it that he is 16 and she is 11 and sometimes the expectations are different for different ages (and when I was that age, you made me... - no, we didn't!). He constantly tries to parent her, and expects her to have massive severe consequences for every little mistake, and gets cross if we don't do it his way.
He wants adult privilege, but doesn't want to take adult responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:48

For the last hour, I've just been texting please let me know where you are so I know you are safe.
No reply.
Only thing I have had form his is the - on a train, which I think he sent to let me know he wasn't coming back.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:50

I have texted the mum of his closest friend, but she hasn't replied, so i am guessing she is in bed and I can't wake her up.
I don't know th enumbers of any of the other parents! I know the kids, and drop off at houses, but really don't know the numbers.

He isn't at closest friend because that doesn't need a train.
He also knows I know his mum, so he knows she would call me.
I'm hoping in the morning she will aks her ds and he will tell her where my ds is, as I am sure he has stuck it all over social media.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 12/01/2019 23:54

First have you looked up what trains are running at the tike he texted you and then try and think what friends/family who live in that route.

If there are no trains running, try seeing on his messagner/viber/whatsapp if he is online. Most likely he has wifi access if he is online so is there any friends house that he could be at/ fast food restaurant/hotel lobby etc.

notevenamum1 · 12/01/2019 23:57
Flowers
Fantasisa · 12/01/2019 23:58

Ring the DM of the closest friend, she will understand. And your DS might reply to his DF if he doesn’t reply to you.

Original poster
steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:59

busy station, with lines in several directions. He could be anywhere.

not on whatsapp.
I'm not on his instagram or snapchat.
He has loads of data, so being on-line or not doesn't help.

OP posts:
Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 23:59

I agree with poster about texting him ...." if you don't call me in the next ten minutes I'm going to start contacting all your friends and their parents" this would really embarrass my son and he would call to avoid me taking this action.
I know you are probably thinking awful things but he will come home tomorrow with his tail between his legs and definitely won't have got his home comforts which ever sofa he is on xx

Original poster
steppemum · 13/01/2019 00:01

His friend's mum has replied, and she woke friend and he checked his phone. Nothing on there.
Probably because he knwos it is the first place I'll ask.

She has asked friend to text him and ask him where he is, and if he replies, she'll let me know

OP posts:
BlessYourCottonSocks · 13/01/2019 00:01

I am so sorry Flowers. I've a 14 year old DS and this would terrify me. Has he turned phone off do you think? Is it worth texting to say, 'You must phone now or we are calling police and reporting you as a runaway. All we need is to know you are safe and to have a conversation with you.'

Original poster
steppemum · 13/01/2019 00:02

donkdonk - I did that half and hour ago, and have started contacting.
He doesn't care

OP posts:
NC4Now · 13/01/2019 00:02

Do you have Find my iPhone or anything like that set up? And do the trains run all night? Ie can he make his way home?

Donkdonkgoo · 13/01/2019 00:02

Going forward I would try to get hold of more of his friends and parents phone numbers so home numbers too x