ds has run away.

[steppemum]

ds is 16. He is pretty nice teen, in the middle of mocks now and working quite hard. He is a strong character, but respects the boundaries etc.

In other words, no issues really, other than normal teen moments.

We have had a row, it has been rumbling since Thursday evening, something happened between him and little sister and he doesn't think he is in anyway at fault depite admitted that he massively wound her up on purpose.

The internet was off on Friday night, because of this, and back on today, but the original argument has not been resolved. We were happy to let it go, but he came down and asked for an internet extension - it goes off at 10, and at the weekend remove that, but dh hadn't done it yet. The conversation started up again and he got really rude. Told dh he was talking bullshit, so dh said end of conversation, not having that.

5 minutes later ds went out through the garage took his bike and vanished.

I have been texting and phoning, and all I know is that he is on a train on his way somewhere, he won't say where.
He does get a train everyday to school, but it is a rural ish train from here to next town, and I don't think it is still running now.

What do I do?
Fundamentally he is sensible, and probably on the way to a school friends. He is also 6'3" so not actually afraid for he physical safety.

Dh says go to bed, he will come bakc tomorrow.

But despite being 16 he is not out partying or even out loads with friends at the weekend. they all live very dispersed and meet over x-box.

Just sitting here, wondering how dh can sleep, wondering what on earth I do.
I can't call police, he is just on a train, he is 16.

As an adult I’ve dealt with older siblings acting like the third parent, with the added charm of draconian parenting ideas for younger siblings. It’s a difficult dynamic and utterly draining.
And the older siblings never really understand that they are not your parent and they have no right to tell you what to do even in adulthood - years later that dynamic is still playing out in my family and I limit communications with my older sisters as much as possible - after my elderly parents die, I hope to never have to speak to my older sisters again. Never if yo can help it make one of your kids responsible for another kid - it creates a long lasting dysfunctional dynamic.

I’m glad he’s home. Phew.

And why TF do teenagers let their phones get to 1%?! This drives me mad, mine do it too!

I’d suggest buying him a power pack he can carry around so he can always recharge his phone. We have findmyiphone switched on for everyone too - everyone knows their phone is on it, nobody minds because we can find it if it’s lost. Or if they are. Ds even says “please pick me up, you can see where I am”

I have seen the white hot rage and indignation of a teenager deprived of Wi-fi and it’s not pretty. I’d want to get to the bottom of the new friend. And asking about weed re the not putting your finger on it.

I’m glad he’s home.

As an oldest child (by some years) being expected to look after your younger siblings is annoying. They behave 10 times worse than any other children you babysit and you don’t get paid! They’re you’re children, not his.

*your

Glad he's ok. Have a good chat today and sort it out

IfNotNowBernard Thank you.

Thank you for all your comments and thoughts.

Funnily enough I really do understand the older/younger sibling thing, and am very aware of it.
He is not expected to look after them in any way except opccasionally, eg about once a month, be the oldest sibling in charge. Even on those occasions, it is dd1 who puts dd2 to bed! And, as a PP said, dd2 is warned thoroughly before hand that she is expected to go up at 8:30, regardless, and not just because dd1 says so.

We, until recently, had a friend who came in for an hour 8-9. Put dd2 to bed, and saw dd1 upstairs and then when all was quiet left. It was ds and dd1 who asked if she really had to come over and they could do it. We trialed it over a few occasions when we were due back at 9 pm, and it worked, and we have now done it a few times since. Mostly ds is in his room on x-box, and dd1 sorts everything, so I hardly think he is overrun with responsibility.

The whole thing blew up because there have been a lot of incidents of foul play from him to her over the last few weeks, and we used this as an occasion to say, you behaviour has to stop.
We used something that we have used throughout their lives which is that idea all 5 of us need to live together in the house, and everyone has the right to basic respect and to live without others round them being mean. He has been very unkind over the last few weeks, and she is reacting to that I think. (and we have picked up on her behaviour too it I hasten to say)

For the poster who suggested talking etc rather than punishment.
Gosh there's a novel thought.....
Fancy that, actually talking to your kids and working things through, who would have thought we could have got through 16 years of parenting and never thought of that.

by the way the steppe is not step. It refers to the Russian steppe lands

Out of interest, has his recent spell of being mean coincided with the arrival of this new friend?
Glad you’re back to relative normal anyway. You sound like a pretty consistent parent to me. It’s just 16 year olds can be hot headed and impulsive.

Glad he is home. Did you figure out what was up that you couldn't put your finger on last night?

Hope all settles down today

He could've just left to punish you, but also needing g a bit of space anyway, but he could've used a situation to blame on him having to leave, and if that's to meet someone, for a joint, or sex, only you can tell you'll find out or you won't. Horrible thing to do to you either way! So glad it was a brief as it was; have to say sick and tired or not I wouldn't have been able to sleep either! Surprised any dp could under those circs tbh.

Clearly not all 16 yo are the same and I'm so saddened by your experience and ongoing rebuttal of it, Mummy2018

I wouldnt put older one in charge unless I had no alternative, and then only as a 'snitch' which is effectively what it is, I.e. to call if any issues come up, but they would all be responsible individually,but its still not the best position to put DC in. I think it works OK if older DC much older and younger DC much younger, like under 9 or 10, probs only under 9.

I have had angry DC teens leave this way, and had to make it very clear the worry and upset that causes to a caring do and completely derails the issue, i t happens rarely now,and, thankfully, briefly.

I have said about keeping safe guidelines, like not being out with out of charge phone! I don't think they get it sometimes that some things trump all others!

From what you say, something does sound to be 'going on'. I hope you can establish some basic courtesy rules with him about his punishment of you in doing this, and his safety.

I think you managed it so well and left just about the right amount of time for him to return, without involving police. Really felt for you! ...and you have two more to go through this...is it worse with dds!? That's a general, to anyone...

You sound like a normal like me mum @steppemum

You're doing a great job and your DS will know he can't do that from now on and your DD will know she has to go to bed when she's supposed to.

I don't imagine you're leaving them every other day!

Carry on what you're doing