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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

ds has run away.

135 replies

steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:25

ds is 16. He is pretty nice teen, in the middle of mocks now and working quite hard. He is a strong character, but respects the boundaries etc.

In other words, no issues really, other than normal teen moments.

We have had a row, it has been rumbling since Thursday evening, something happened between him and little sister and he doesn't think he is in anyway at fault depite admitted that he massively wound her up on purpose.

The internet was off on Friday night, because of this, and back on today, but the original argument has not been resolved. We were happy to let it go, but he came down and asked for an internet extension - it goes off at 10, and at the weekend remove that, but dh hadn't done it yet. The conversation started up again and he got really rude. Told dh he was talking bullshit, so dh said end of conversation, not having that.

5 minutes later ds went out through the garage took his bike and vanished.

I have been texting and phoning, and all I know is that he is on a train on his way somewhere, he won't say where.
He does get a train everyday to school, but it is a rural ish train from here to next town, and I don't think it is still running now.

What do I do?
Fundamentally he is sensible, and probably on the way to a school friends. He is also 6'3" so not actually afraid for he physical safety.

Dh says go to bed, he will come bakc tomorrow.

But despite being 16 he is not out partying or even out loads with friends at the weekend. they all live very dispersed and meet over x-box.

Just sitting here, wondering how dh can sleep, wondering what on earth I do.
I can't call police, he is just on a train, he is 16.
Sad

OP posts:
tinstar · 13/01/2019 01:35

Ifnotnowbernard - of course they should be expected to step up and take adult responsibility. But I find discussion and communication more effective with almost-adults rather than removal of internet access.

cricketmum84 · 13/01/2019 01:36

So relieved for you that he is home. my 14yo did this to me a few weeks ago and it was unbearable. He was only gone. A few hours but they were the worst few hours of my life.

Hope you are managing to get some sleep now Thanks

Mummylife2018 · 13/01/2019 01:41

@Stormy76 When I asked my Mum about it recently she said it was apparently 'my choice' to move out which is not how I remember it at all! But even if it was, how many 16yr olds are capable of making decisions like that?

She now refuses to talk about it and my Dad is dead so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Antiquevintageandrusty · 13/01/2019 01:49

Pleased he is home OP. Flowers

Ignore the criticism, nothing wrong with boundaries/consequences. They exist all through life and you choose them under your own roof.

tinstar · 13/01/2019 02:14

Ignore the criticism, nothing wrong with boundaries/consequences. They exist all through life and you choose them under your own roof.

Of course. But the op may want to choose ones that don't lead to a repeat of this evening. Or, as you suggest, she could just ignore my comment and carry on with her current strategy ..

Antiquevintageandrusty · 13/01/2019 02:21

she could just ignore my comment and carry on with her current strategy

Fabulous suggestion! Who made you the bloody expert. You don’t know the OP or her family dynamic only this one tiny snapshot.

tinstar · 13/01/2019 02:28

Calm down. I'm not claiming to be a 'bloody' expert. I made a suggestion, if you don't like it fair enough. But no need to be so rude.

Tweety1981 · 13/01/2019 02:29

Call the police if it’s out of character which sounds like it is .

Is he on social media ? See if you can see any friends of his on there if you don’t know who they are or how to contact them ?

Tweety1981 · 13/01/2019 02:30

Oops sorry missed that page .. so glad he’s home ... every mums nightmare glad all ok x

tinstar · 13/01/2019 02:31

Tweety - he came home ages ago.

tinstar · 13/01/2019 02:31

X post!

Antiquevintageandrusty · 13/01/2019 02:35

I am perfectly calm tinstar.

Stop banging on and on about your point of view. Get a grip.

tinstar · 13/01/2019 02:42

3 posts is not "banging on and on". Are you feeling okay?

Antiquevintageandrusty · 13/01/2019 02:44

yawn.

sashh · 13/01/2019 04:08

I see he is home, good.

Just a suggestion for anyone in a situation like this, and something I have suggested before, texts that offer money eg, "I want you to be safe, I'm going to put some money in your bank account, how much do you need?" are likely to get a response, even from a surly pissed off teen.

rainbowstardrops · 13/01/2019 07:24

I have only just seen this thread OP but what a bloody worry you had! I am so glad that he came home safely though. Bloody kids!!!
Oh and ignore the posters who are bleating on about taking his internet etc away and how you're treating him. For what it's worth, your parenting sounds similar to mine and I'm sure you're doing a great job!
Hope you've managed to sleep (can't believe your DH went to bed though) Shock

Donkdonkgoo · 13/01/2019 08:18

Phew glad he's back and ok OP,

Might be worth having fundmyiphone set up, it's great, you just type in a pass word and it tracks them within yards.

Worth mentioning...I live in a rural and very close community with a large school that others from other towns and villages come to. It's a fantastic school but it has a drug problem, as apparently do most schools. I've seen drugs been sold to local older teens from taxis, a policeman friend told me taxis are renouned for doing this. So my point is that rural communities are getting hit by this really hard and from what I gather it's getting worse.
I had a slight suspicion my son (15) had taken something over Xmas, like you say sheepish and something you couldn't quite put your finger on. All the conversations I've had with him in the past I've got the impression that he's really anti drugs and thinks people that do are really stupid (but you never know). What I did is this....
Walked into his room put on my best acting sad face/voice and I told him that a friend of mine at work had had really bad news and I was really upset about it.... I told him her son had taken some drugs along with some friends and that hosp had put him in an induced coma as fitting etc and looks like he's got brain damnage and they will have to switch the machine off.
His face well the look of horror and anger and he ranted about drug dealers and what should happen to them etc etc .
A little lie but just my way of hitting home to him reality and also to gage his reaction cos if I ask him directly about "have you taken/don't accept/take anything" he gets cross that I don't trust him.

waywardfruit · 13/01/2019 08:25

So glad he's home and safe.

leaveby10 · 13/01/2019 08:34

Glad he's home safe and sound - I think you do need to reflect, with an open mind, on how this situation got so out of control and like all situations there's likely to be faults on both sides, quite a bit of misunderstanding mixed with some strong undisclosed emotions. Good luck OP.

MintyT · 13/01/2019 08:50

Once he's up ask him do you want to talk about it. Tell him you won't interrupt, and listen to him, give a big hug say your glad he's safe and sound that you was worried sick, and try to sort it out in a gentle way.

ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 08:56

I’m so glad he came back.

I hope you got some sleep.

Your ‘fuck off’ was well aimed last night.

I only asked in case it might help work out where he might have gone, or rather how far and for how long.

Yulebealrite · 13/01/2019 09:02

Anger isn't the best approach. Worry and concern is.

JustDanceAddict · 13/01/2019 09:13

Glad he’s home safe. What a worry. I would def get some numbers if his friends, details of ‘new’ friend.

ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 09:22

I too was 16 when my brother was 11. He was a proper little shit when we were home alone. (I’d been baby sitting for others since 13, and had a weekend job loooking after 18 month old twins all weekend, every second weekend - so I was boringly mature and responsible). But being ‘in charge’ of my brother...arghhhg. Unlike you with DD2 though, my brother never got in trouble, it was always me... it was bloody annoying and frustrating at the time and looking back, even more perplexing.

I did get fed up of the being treated like an adult one minute and a child the next, but it’s all just part of growing up and parents navigating their way through it.

As an adult I’ve dealt with older siblings acting like the third parent, with the added charm of draconian parenting ideas for younger siblings. It’s a difficult dynamic and utterly draining.

He needs to be heard, definitely, but he also needs to understand that no matter what...no matter what!...he does NOT frighten the youngest one. End of. Pretending to have gone out and left them is NOT on.

They ARE all in the wrong, I’d have told DD2 off for not going to bed when it was bedtime (mire than when he was told really) because she’s old enough to be responsible for doing that herself anyway. Then for not doing something she knew she should when her brother told her to. There wasn’t any ‘Mum/Dad wouldn’t make me do that’ element to it. With their dynamic and his immaturity, I wouldn’t make her blindly do as she was told by him.

DD2 would be in trouble too, for adding to the chaos.

It’s very difficult when a teenager feels ‘hard done by’ and that younger siblings are getting ‘an easy ride’. I still feel resentful, but then my brother is STILL never, ever, to blame for anything. Ever. 🙄

All of that is without any ‘step’ element added in, which can’t help with their perception of ‘fair’ 😖

If it were me I’d take DS out of the house today, somewhere requiring a long drive and talk to him in the car.

You sound lovely and balanced. I’m sure you’ll work it all out 💐

☕️🍷☕️🍷☕️🍷

ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 09:26

Oh and this ‘new friend’. I’d be asking about that. See if he’s ‘embarassed’ Or ‘edgy’. Because obviously it’s fine if it’s a girlfriend he’d not ready to bring home yet, it’s NOT fine if it’s a drug suppling friend.

I’d sooner have 3 under 5, than 3 the age yours are now 😖. I’m sending unlimited 🍷☕️🍷☕️

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