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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

ds has run away.

135 replies

steppemum · 12/01/2019 23:25

ds is 16. He is pretty nice teen, in the middle of mocks now and working quite hard. He is a strong character, but respects the boundaries etc.

In other words, no issues really, other than normal teen moments.

We have had a row, it has been rumbling since Thursday evening, something happened between him and little sister and he doesn't think he is in anyway at fault depite admitted that he massively wound her up on purpose.

The internet was off on Friday night, because of this, and back on today, but the original argument has not been resolved. We were happy to let it go, but he came down and asked for an internet extension - it goes off at 10, and at the weekend remove that, but dh hadn't done it yet. The conversation started up again and he got really rude. Told dh he was talking bullshit, so dh said end of conversation, not having that.

5 minutes later ds went out through the garage took his bike and vanished.

I have been texting and phoning, and all I know is that he is on a train on his way somewhere, he won't say where.
He does get a train everyday to school, but it is a rural ish train from here to next town, and I don't think it is still running now.

What do I do?
Fundamentally he is sensible, and probably on the way to a school friends. He is also 6'3" so not actually afraid for he physical safety.

Dh says go to bed, he will come bakc tomorrow.

But despite being 16 he is not out partying or even out loads with friends at the weekend. they all live very dispersed and meet over x-box.

Just sitting here, wondering how dh can sleep, wondering what on earth I do.
I can't call police, he is just on a train, he is 16.
Sad

OP posts:
user1471476854 · 13/01/2019 00:03

How worrying for you. I couldn’t sleep either. If he has an iPhone can’t you do find my iPhone (you’d need his Apple ID and password). Not sure if there’s an Android equivalent.

Greensleeves · 13/01/2019 00:05

I'd call the police. Maybe I'm influenced by the fact that my 16yo is vulnerable for various reasons, but that's what I'd do. He doesn't have a safe place to sleep, that you know of.

ThisWayDown · 13/01/2019 00:05

Oh Steppemum how worrying Sad

Could it be he’s out with or meeting a girl, like the prank he played on his sister?

He may be old enough to be fine, but impulsively walking out late at night like this isn’t smart and you don’t know what risks if any he faces.

Could you wake up your DD1 and ask her if she knows where he could be going, or can check on his social media if she’s friends with him on there?

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 13/01/2019 00:05

@Step

🤔 I think YABU
I grew up with a sibling and think it’s U that you are
A- leaving him in charge of an 11 year old who doesn’t listen to him
B- making allowances by age rather than development stage! At 11 I was similar to my brother at 14 🤔 - my parents now see that as we’re both grown up!

My brother is five years younger than me and I got sick the back teeth of hearing ‘he’s only ..... YOU need to be the adult’ when I WAS not an adult! It suits you for your DS to be an adult when you need him to watch his siblings but not when he wants the WiFi on an evening!?!?!? Sod that for a laugh- I’d have been on a train too!!! 😡

The way I was treated between 14-18 was SOOO different to the way my brother was when he got there- because my parents had made me into a secondary parent!

You say he ‘parents’ her - stop leaving him in charge of her if you don’t want that to happen!!

I feel sorry for your DS

NC4Now · 13/01/2019 00:06

I have a 16 year old, finding his way in the world. He used to run away when he was younger, but has settled down a lot.
He has the TrainLine app and a local taxi app on his phone, linked to my bank card, so he can always get home if he comes unstuck.
That won’t help you tonight OP but it’s worth thinking about for the future. It’s a difficult age, where they are not kids but still pretty vulnerable.

Original poster
steppemum · 13/01/2019 00:06

I don't have find my home.

One of the ironies is that he is now 16, and so we have backed off a lot from phone supervision etc, as he is nearly grown up, and we felt it was right to give him some independence. The result is, I now have now access to his social media.

Not an iphone.

OP posts:
Donkdonkgoo · 13/01/2019 00:06

My son is 15 and I just know he's going to do this to me at some point. Thinking of you OP 💐

Original poster
steppemum · 13/01/2019 00:07

I have loads fo addresses, as we drop off an pick up a lot, but not phone numbers as the kids arrange it all amongst themselves, and I saw that as getting him to organise himself and sort himself out.
Oh the irony

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 13/01/2019 00:08

I would get in contact with the friends mother.

Or threaten to call the police..?

NC4Now · 13/01/2019 00:09

You can use Google device manager to locate Android devices. Can’t remember if you need his password. Can you have a decent guess at his password anyway, if you’ve only recently given up control of his social media?

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 13/01/2019 00:10

*sorry - misread the forum and thought this was AIBU

  • my other points stand though - it’s super hard (at 16) to be an ‘adult’ when it suits but be treated like a child when you want something (like the WiFi)
ThisWayDown · 13/01/2019 00:11

MrDarcyWillBeMine

FFS talk about kicking someone when they’re down. This is not AIBU and the OP didn’t ask for our opinion on she dealt with the issue her DS disagreed with her abs her DH over.

This is about a mother worrying about her child and not knowing where he is.

whiteroseredrose · 13/01/2019 00:11

You've said that he is sensible so undoubtedly has gone over to a friend's house. Teens can be very passionate about things particularly if they feel like they have been wronged.

I'd be having a think about the messages he's being given though. Are you treating him like an almost adult or like a child? If he's adult enough to be in loco parentis and babysit for you then it should be clear to your 11 year old that she goes to bed when told by him just like she should when you tell her. If she won't listen, how have you told him to handle it? If he's not been given any strategies then it's not surprising that he's tried his own. I suspect to scare her into paying attention not wind her up.

Also if he's being treated as a semi adult then maybe a discussion about why scaring your sister isn't a good idea rather than turning off the Internet and treating him like a child. If you're rural, that's how he keeps in touch with his friends. I suspect he's tired of being treated the same as your younger ones so is scaring you too to make a point.

steppemum · 13/01/2019 00:12

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Original poster
steppemum · 13/01/2019 00:15

whiterose, as you have been so polite about how you said it, I won't repeat what I said to MrDarcy.

But RIGHT NOW I am not in th eplace to discuss whether or not we should parent this way, or another way.
If that was my question, I would have given a LOT more information.

I do not want to go down that road now.
I just want to concentrate on finding my son.

OP posts:
leaveby10 · 13/01/2019 00:15

Any news op?

feliciabirthgiver · 13/01/2019 00:16

My 15 year old put me through this recently, your DS will be fine I'm sure, but I just wanted to say I know what you are going through Thanks

Villanellesproudmum · 13/01/2019 00:16

Can you go to the train station? He might be just sitting there contemplating life and sulking not knowing what to do.

NC4Now · 13/01/2019 00:17

Can he get home?

waterandlemonjuice · 13/01/2019 00:18

Ah, poor him, he’s upset. I hope he comes home soon. Text and tell him you’re not cross and you want him home.

ThisWayDown · 13/01/2019 00:20

Did you see my suggestion about waking your DD1 and asking her if she may know or can check his social media OP? Is that a possibility?

Is your DH still asleep?

FrenchSchnoodle · 13/01/2019 00:23

I would actually contact other parents of his friends. You say above that he took his bike but from what I've gathered you have no proof that he actually did get onto a train. He could be lying in the text to you.

He could be with a mate having cycled there.

Unicornfeathers · 13/01/2019 00:24

I’m going to go against the grain and say to phone the police. 6ft+ or not he’s only 16 and isn’t acting rationally. He’s putting himself at huge risk

NC4Now · 13/01/2019 00:28

I’m inclined to agree unicornfeathers. If the obvious has been exhausted I’d call the police. I’d send him a text telling him if he hasn’t made contact by eg 2am I’d be calling.
Is he likely to head to a big city?

IamFrauBlucher · 13/01/2019 00:31

Do you know if his phone was charged OP? Did he grab some things or just his bike? Wallet, jacket etc?

Could be that his phone is dead if he stormed off without a charger. DS's phone is always on low percent at the most important times I need to contact him.

I agree with a PP I'd be tempted to drive to the station to see if he's sat on the platform with his bike.