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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter hasn’t spoken to her older brother for 18 months.

136 replies

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 11:32

Dd ( now 17)has been a challenging teenager to put it mildly.
18 months ago she was extremely rude (again) to me in front of her brother ( now 19).
Her brother reacted and grabbed her and pulled her hair and slapped her and told her he was fed up of her behaviour towards me.
Since that time Dd has point blank refused to interact/speak to her brother.
Last year on her birthday he wrote her a card & said some nice words in an attempt to apologise- however because he wrote LOL in the card she said it wasn’t a proper apology & he was making light of what he had done - and so the ignoring continues.
Understandably this has caused me a great deal of stress and living together is so uncomfortable.
My son is so upset and regrets what he did.
He says that living with her is so awful he wishes she would leave & live with her father.
I have tried so many times to get her to see that her brother is sorry and to let bygones be bygones but she won’t.
Christmas is coming up & I can’t see how we can have a happy day with such an awkward atmosphere.
I have suggested taking the 2 of them out for a meal / other events but she just refuses.
I have just suggested this again and lost it when she refused- asking her what sort of Christmas she thinks we’ll have & telling her if she keeps up this grudge she can go to her Father for Christmas.
What can I do?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 11:34

If this happened 18 months ago, what was last Christmas like?

wizzywig · 13/10/2018 11:34

Is she still being nasty to you?

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 11:34

It sounds as though she's enjoying the power she has over you both.

TheFaerieQueene · 13/10/2018 11:37

So your son physically assaulted your daughter and she is the problem? Wow.

If a boyfriend had done this to her, should she just let bygones be bygones and stay with him?

Whilst I am sure she could be challenging, we’ve all be 17 and pains in the arse, but her brother physically assaulting her is appalling and he should be the one moving out.

DDogMum · 13/10/2018 11:38

Sorry, WHAT!? Her brother is lucky he wasn't questioned for assault!
Nice way of showing your daughter she's safe in her home.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 11:39

So her brother assaulted her she doesn't feel that he has apologised sincerely for what he did?

I don't blame her for not wanting to have anything to do with him tbh. Can she go to her dad's for Christmas? Playing happy families doesn't sound like much fun tbh.

wildewillow · 13/10/2018 11:39

If my adult older brother had physically assaulted me (15/16/17 a child no less) I wouldn't speak to him ever again either! I'm actually speechless that you seem to think she should just accept the apology and play happy families.

colditz · 13/10/2018 11:40

So a 19 year old young man physically assaulted a 17 year old young woman, and it's HER fault Christmas is going to be awkward?

Good on her for having solid boundaries. Good on her for knowing it isn't acceptable to be physically attacked, no matter what you say. Good on her for knowing she isn't responsible for her brother's violent behaviour.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 11:41

Yes, indeed.

Original poster

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 11:43

To clarify- Although technically he assaulted her- there were no injuries & it was a silly hair pull and light slap on her head.
This was totally out of character for my son who has never behaved like this before or since & is extremely gentle natured.

OP posts:

Fatted · 13/10/2018 11:43

I'm another one thinking it's the brother who should be getting chucked out.

Regardless of what your daughter's behaviour was like, your son assaulted her. This was inexcusable. He is very lucky she hasn't reported it to the police.

You have evidently taken his side over hers. I don't blame your daughter for not wanting to be there.

Original poster

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 11:45

This happened 18 months ago - He was 17 at the time.

OP posts:

FallenSky · 13/10/2018 11:46

Her brother reacted and grabbed her and pulled her hair and slapped her

So he assaulted her. His reaction to her being rude to you was to physically assault her? Does he have anger issues? Were the police called? What happens if his partner is rude to him one day, will he also assault them? Random person in the street doesn't say excuse me... Assault?

If I were your daughter I wouldn't speak to him either.

LARLARLAND · 13/10/2018 11:48

My DC adore each other and are always ‘assaulting’ each other if that’s how people define it.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 11:49

You're minimising his behaviour, OP. He clearly isn't "extremely gentle natured" because if that were true, he would not have assaulted his sister.

You are minimising what he did, and so is he, by making light of it with the "lol" comment. It really isn't something to laugh about.

It isn't hard to see why your teenage dd was playing up tbh. Your allegiances are very clear.

DDogMum · 13/10/2018 11:49

Your minimising of what he did is seriously worrying

colditz · 13/10/2018 11:49

SO she wasn't 17 then? She was 15?

You can't just make hijm younger in your tale and leave us all thinking she's 27. She wasn't 17 when it happened. She was 15.

So your 15 year old daughter was physically assaulted by your 17 year old son, and now she won't shut up about it and be a good girl so you can continue to treat him as non violent and gentle?

She was verbally abusive to you. 15 year olds do that. It's not acceptable and needs to be heavily sanctioned. It IS developmentally normal.

Your son physcallly assaulted a younger female teenager. That is not developmentally normal. It's a crime.

KeiTeNgeNge · 13/10/2018 11:51

So he assaulted her, didn’t give her a genuine apology, and now has the hump and wishes she’d move out? Wow

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 11:51

My DC adore each other and are always ‘assaulting’ each other if that’s how people define it.

But how old are they? Physical fights between primary age dc are one thing, but a 17 year old attacking his younger sister is entirely different.

TwitterQueen1 · 13/10/2018 11:52

FFS! A 15.5 year old and 17.5 year old brother and sister had a fight. Do posters seriously think this kind of thing doesn't ever happen? And that if it does, the police should be involved, the brother should move out, the sister should never speak to the brother again? The family should be torn apart by hair-pulling and a slap?

I am horrified at the harsh, judgmental over-reaction here. Of course he shouldn't have hit her but after 18 months and several attempts at apologising I don't see what more he can do if the sister won't engage in any kind of dicussion about it.

TrippingTheVelvet · 13/10/2018 11:55

Your minimisation of that incident is awful OP. If anyone else did that to your daughter, would you be encouraging her to let it go? I doubt it. It smacks of total selfishness from you. You only want her to forget about it because it suits you.

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 11:55

Your daughter doesn't appear to be frightened of her brother. What was her reaction when he slapped her? Has she ever hit him or you?

Kay2705 · 13/10/2018 11:56

I'm guessing you guys didn't fight with your siblings?

Original poster

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 11:58

TwitterQueen1 YOU ARE SPOT ON!!

It was just a silly spat with no injury/ pain caused.
My son is so mild mannered it takes a lot for him to even get cross.
It was all over in a couple of seconds and the repercussions have lasted this long.
Does the family have to be fractured because of a moment of loss of control by a 17 year old?

OP posts:

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 13/10/2018 11:59

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