Teenage daughter hasn’t spoken to her older brother for 18 months.

[Bexesangel]

Dd ( now 17)has been a challenging teenager to put it mildly.
18 months ago she was extremely rude (again) to me in front of her brother ( now 19).
Her brother reacted and grabbed her and pulled her hair and slapped her and told her he was fed up of her behaviour towards me.
Since that time Dd has point blank refused to interact/speak to her brother.
Last year on her birthday he wrote her a card & said some nice words in an attempt to apologise- however because he wrote LOL in the card she said it wasn’t a proper apology & he was making light of what he had done - and so the ignoring continues.
Understandably this has caused me a great deal of stress and living together is so uncomfortable.
My son is so upset and regrets what he did.
He says that living with her is so awful he wishes she would leave & live with her father.
I have tried so many times to get her to see that her brother is sorry and to let bygones be bygones but she won’t.
Christmas is coming up & I can’t see how we can have a happy day with such an awkward atmosphere.
I have suggested taking the 2 of them out for a meal / other events but she just refuses.
I have just suggested this again and lost it when she refused- asking her what sort of Christmas she thinks we’ll have & telling her if she keeps up this grudge she can go to her Father for Christmas.
What can I do?

I’m in two minds here.

On the one hand, hitting and slapping is not ok, and a 17 year old should know better.

On the other hand, this is not unusual amongst sibilants. People looking to criminalise this incident, I imagine the daughter has been vile to her brother at times, doesn’t mean she is an abuser. Silent treatment can be part of coercive control - doesn’t mean that the sister needs to go to prison!

People need to calm the fuck down and look at things in context.

OP - family therapy sounds like the right move forward

wow, not sure if this has been pointed out fifty times so apologies but

YOu really need to acknowledge the seriousness of what he did before she can move on!

I admire her. She has her own truth, ie, he assaulted her. She is clearly doing what she needs to do to hang on to her truth when all around her are pressuring her to minimise it and the atmosphere and the dynamic now is that she is creating a bad atmosphere.

Yes your son might be sorry but you're all stuck until you HEAR her. He assaulted her and immediately the pressure is on her to forgive, to minimise. I think you need to turn the spotlight back on yourselves for a while. You have time. Your son assaulted her. And now you're pressuring her to just sweep it under the rug.

I was in an abusive relationship. My family conditioned me to fall in with other members of the family and their agendas. It is the reason. It is the cause. I wouldn't have been physically abused by my x if my parents had taught me that I deserved to be respected and that it was OK to have needs. Instead they got angry with me when I didn't instant fit in with eveyrbody else, capitulate instantly when more forceful brother was domineering.

Has your dd explained what she would like to happen to move forward?

Good question. Ask her how it could be resolved. What needs to happen before she feels that forgiveness is the next step

I think you have a son problem not a daughter problem.

How would you react if he abused his girlfriend like this? Would you be defensive of him if he went to trial?

Do posters really think that the police would be interested in this?

I've read this thread with my mouth dropping open more and more.

He was pretty much an adult. If my son did that to my daughter he would be out of my house.

What the fuck kind of message do you think you are giving her.

I'm so shocked and depressed at some of the responses here.

I never take anything seriously with a LOL either personally. I think family counseling is probably a good idea. I wonder if this incident is the tip of the iceberg.

They are separate people. People on here suggesting the problem is with the son seem to think that the daughter can't possibly have a problem because the son does. It is quite possible for a victim to also be a perpetrator. We don't hold only one position. A bullied child can also be a bully. A victim of domestic violence can also be a abuser. One does not negate the other.

So the girl's appalling rudeness before the slap is of no consequence? why was she like that? An 18 month sulk rather than any attempt to meet halfway?

No, he should not have hit. But she sounds utterly horrible and the real world is going to make that clear. Does she think she is going to stay for years making life hell?

I hope outside help will sort this.

@blueskiesandforests

I'm not for a moment suggesting that my DD abuses me - you're right, I have the power in our parent-child relationship and I can/do enforce boundaries. She was simply having a strop and I told her that she can't speak/text to anyone like that happen again. Of course, she quite enjoyed the event in the end.

But, if the OP's daughter routinely shouts, swears at or demeans her mother, what is that? Isn't it verbal abuse? I don't know what else to call it.

I'm not trying to justify the brothers' hitting, it was unacceptable. Like a PP, I think there are two separate issue: the DS's violence and the DD's verbal "abuse" of her mother. Both need to be addressed, because if either of them treat anyone else like this, it will be viewed as verbal abuse by the DD, violence by the DS, won't it?