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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter hasn’t spoken to her older brother for 18 months.

136 replies

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 11:32

Dd ( now 17)has been a challenging teenager to put it mildly.
18 months ago she was extremely rude (again) to me in front of her brother ( now 19).
Her brother reacted and grabbed her and pulled her hair and slapped her and told her he was fed up of her behaviour towards me.
Since that time Dd has point blank refused to interact/speak to her brother.
Last year on her birthday he wrote her a card & said some nice words in an attempt to apologise- however because he wrote LOL in the card she said it wasn’t a proper apology & he was making light of what he had done - and so the ignoring continues.
Understandably this has caused me a great deal of stress and living together is so uncomfortable.
My son is so upset and regrets what he did.
He says that living with her is so awful he wishes she would leave & live with her father.
I have tried so many times to get her to see that her brother is sorry and to let bygones be bygones but she won’t.
Christmas is coming up & I can’t see how we can have a happy day with such an awkward atmosphere.
I have suggested taking the 2 of them out for a meal / other events but she just refuses.
I have just suggested this again and lost it when she refused- asking her what sort of Christmas she thinks we’ll have & telling her if she keeps up this grudge she can go to her Father for Christmas.
What can I do?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 11:59

Twitter, at 17.5, he is virtually an adult and should be capable of controlling his emotions. If he assaulted someone in the street, there would be consequences. Why is it acceptable for him to do the same to his sister?

blueskiesandforests · 13/10/2018 12:01

Is this real?

Your 17 year old son assaulted your then 15 year old daughter, and eventually wrote an apology followed by LOL on a Christmas card.

You think your daughter is the problem because she didn't forgive and forget.

How would you feel if her 17 year old boyfriend had done that to her when she was 15? Would you have encouraged her to forgive and forget if he was generally nice?

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 12:01

I'm guessing you guys didn't fight with your siblings?

Absolutely, I did, but when we were little kids, not as teenagers/adults.

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 12:01

Oh come on. What about the consequences for her behaviour?

Babymamamama · 13/10/2018 12:03

This is the wrong way round. He assaulted her. What consequence has been imposed by you for that. She doesn't feel it's resolved because it isn't. A LOL card wouldn't cut it for me either. Is the son your favourite and she knows it.

TrippingTheVelvet · 13/10/2018 12:03

I'm genuinely disgusted at the number of people who thinks it's ok for a 17 year old boy to grab a 15 year old girl by the hair and slap her. If it was anyone other than his sister it would be seen as entirely unacceptable.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 12:03

The consequences of her behaviour were for her parent(s) to deal with at the time. Are you suggesting that she deserved to be slapped or get her hair pulled because she was rude to her mother?

bringbackthestripes · 13/10/2018 12:06

At the risk of being ripped to pieces because I am clearly in the minority but now you have updated I have to say good for him standing up for you and telling your bratty daughter she was out of order. She is clearly a manipulative controlling diva if she is carrying it on and demanding an apology when he has already apologised. Has she apologised to you for being so awful to you?

blueskiesandforests · 13/10/2018 12:08

Twitter I had a couple of bitter physical fights with my closest in age sibling pre puberty, but in normal families that's stopped hapoening before any child's age hits double figures, certainly before secondary age.

I have 3 kids, eldest 13, girl and boys and none of them have ever had a physical fight, though they argue of course.

It isn't normal for a 17 year old to physically attack a sibling.

FallenSky · 13/10/2018 12:08

I most definitely had fights with my siblings. Not at that age though and it was usually as a result of an argument between ourselves. I never once attacked any of my siblings for being rude to a parent. Those defending it, how far can it go then before it's assault? Hair pull and slap are fine. They're siblings. What about a punch? Scratch? Kick? Are they still OK?

Jenala · 13/10/2018 12:09

So if your mild mannered son lost it for a moment and slapped his girlfriend's face and pulled her hair that would presumably be ok too? Men just lose it and slap women sometimes, especially when pushed to their limit? Hmm

It reads like your daughter is a bit of a scapegoat to be honest, you've implied his behaviour was the result of a build up of issues from her. She probably feels she's a big problem and her brother can do no wrong even if he slaps her and pulls her hair. Pretty toxic really, which also tells me you're unlikely to hear this.

Fantastiqueangel · 13/10/2018 12:12

He needs to apologise sincerely, without 'lols'.

Deliphant · 13/10/2018 12:13

family counselling / mediation?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/10/2018 12:13

Good for your DD. Hopefully she will carry this on in later life and never be a victim of domestic violence.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 12:14

At the risk of being ripped to pieces because I am clearly in the minority but now you have updated I have to say good for him standing up for you and telling your bratty daughter she was out of order.

Wow. Would you say the same about a man who beats his wife when she is "out of order"? Talk about victim blaming....

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 12:14

I have the same age gap with my brother. I can't believe anyone would think it'd be normal for him to slap me at that age. Maybe when he was 10 but not at 17!

You're teaching her a great lesson there.

blueskiesandforests · 13/10/2018 12:18

Yes family counseling, and acknowledgement that not one of you comes out if this smelling of roses.

The dynamic in the house is very unhealthy if it's remotely conceivable that one sibling physically attacks another in response to verbal rudeness to a parent.

It's also extremely strange that both you and your son's default solution seems to be to send your daughter to her father. Your son is 19 now - if he's sick of living with his 17 year old sister he is old enough to move out.

Family counseling seems the only option to get to the bottom of the complex and unhealthy dynamic between the 3 of you.

OurMiracle1106 · 13/10/2018 12:20

I think from her point of view the apology needs to come from him without mum trying to get them to spend time together.

They may have a volatile relationship anyway or this might not have been the only instance where he has done this but the only one with Mum to witness,

He grabbed her, pulled her hair and slapped her. It is not his job to discipline his sister. She probably feels pressured into saying it’s ok but for her it clearly isn’t.

OurMiracle1106 · 13/10/2018 12:24

Also as a victim of domestic violence- my ex husband was a devoted and loving partner who adored me. Didn’t stop him stabbing me behind closed doors or breaking my collar bone.

But he was lovely as far as anyone else could see!

Original poster
Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 12:24

I have told him time & again that he was completely in the wrong. I have never condoned what he did & have made it clear to my daughter that I know her brother was out of order.
I think the majority of you seem to think this was a horrific attack.
It was a quick hair pull and a slap that was little more than a tap.
No assault is acceptable but to criminalise a boy for a one off moment of seeing red - for which he has expressed remorse and has never done since seems harsh.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 12:24

She gets to decide what level of violence against her is acceptable. Not anyone else. To then suggest that she's the one who spends Christmas with her dad is awful.

TrippingTheVelvet · 13/10/2018 12:26

If your DS did the same on his gf for being rude to you, what would you think?

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 12:27

It was a quick hair pull and a slap that was little more than a tap.

If someone came up to you in the street and did that to you would it be acceptable?

DDogMum · 13/10/2018 12:33

@Bexesangel several posters have asked you now what you would think if
A) your daughters boyfriend did this to her
B) if your son did this to his girlfriend.

Stop minimising for Christ's sake. Your daughter is likely to resent you for this when she's older

blueskiesandforests · 13/10/2018 12:34

Bex wenn understand that she wasn't physically injured.

He wrote LOL on his apology so it's hardly surprising that she thought it wasn't a real apology.

The dynamic between the 3 of you sounds unhealthy - it is in no way normal that a 17 year old pulls his sister's hsir and gives her any kind of slap, including a little one, because she is verbally rude to her mother. That it even happened suggests a weird dynamic between the 3 of you. He could have spoken in your defence and told her to stop being rude. Why on earth would he, at 17 not 3, respond by pulling her hair and slapping her?

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