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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter hasn’t spoken to her older brother for 18 months.

136 replies

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 11:32

Dd ( now 17)has been a challenging teenager to put it mildly.
18 months ago she was extremely rude (again) to me in front of her brother ( now 19).
Her brother reacted and grabbed her and pulled her hair and slapped her and told her he was fed up of her behaviour towards me.
Since that time Dd has point blank refused to interact/speak to her brother.
Last year on her birthday he wrote her a card & said some nice words in an attempt to apologise- however because he wrote LOL in the card she said it wasn’t a proper apology & he was making light of what he had done - and so the ignoring continues.
Understandably this has caused me a great deal of stress and living together is so uncomfortable.
My son is so upset and regrets what he did.
He says that living with her is so awful he wishes she would leave & live with her father.
I have tried so many times to get her to see that her brother is sorry and to let bygones be bygones but she won’t.
Christmas is coming up & I can’t see how we can have a happy day with such an awkward atmosphere.
I have suggested taking the 2 of them out for a meal / other events but she just refuses.
I have just suggested this again and lost it when she refused- asking her what sort of Christmas she thinks we’ll have & telling her if she keeps up this grudge she can go to her Father for Christmas.
What can I do?

OP posts:

DDogMum · 13/10/2018 12:35

PLENTY of people end up in prison for one moment of seeing red, having no record of violence prior, and crying their hearts out in court with sorrow.
They STILL are criminals!

Original poster

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 12:37

I absolutely agree that my son was wrong. No assault is ever acceptable, however minor.
Thank you for your views - I think family counselling is the way forward.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 12:40

No assault is acceptable but to criminalise a boy for a one off moment of seeing red - for which he has expressed remorse and has never done since seems harsh.

What happens if he "sees red" with his wife when he is older? Would it be ok for him to hit her as long as he feels remorse afterwards? What about if he "sees red" and punches someone in the street. Would that be ok if he says "sorry, lol"?

Is violence ok as long as the perpetrator feels remorse afterwards? Should we always turn a blind eye if they believe that they were "provoked"? If not, where do you draw the line?

RoboJesus · 13/10/2018 12:41

She has no reason to forgive him. If I were you I would be looking at him moving out to improve the situation

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 12:42

OK, so I see you've said it was unacceptable. Are you now able to understand why your dd doesn't want to interact with her brother, or do you still feel that she needs to let bygones be bygones?

blueskiesandforests · 13/10/2018 12:43

Good luck with the family counseling Bex - I hope it gives you all some insight and a solution.

Original poster

Bexesangel · 13/10/2018 12:45

Of course I understand and those who say that if a boyfriend did this to her in the future I would expect her to distance herself from him are absolutely right.

OP posts:

titchy · 13/10/2018 12:49

Does the family have to be fractured because of a moment of loss of control by a 17 year old?

Well yes, sometimes. Momentary losses of self control can sometimes have absolutely devastating consequences.

We're not talking about affectionate sibling play fighting, this is your ds physically chastising her - he has no right to do this.

And he hasn't really apologised has he. You're the one that keeps saying he's really sorry. But he hasn't. Saying 'sorry LOL' in a Christmas card isn't an apology. Good on her I say.

Ginger1982 · 13/10/2018 12:51

What happened last Christmas?

Oblomov18 · 13/10/2018 12:53

I appreciate that what happened with her brother was really bad.

But, I bet there's a lot of history of how awful she was for years and years prior to the incident.

I bet she never responded to all OP's attempts, probably fine for years and years!!, to talk to her, encourage her, punish her, trying and trying to instill respect towards OP.

Many posters may not have dealt with a child who is so difficult. It's hard when you have a child who shows so little respect.

TrippingTheVelvet · 13/10/2018 12:59

So what's the difference? Other than you feel more comfortable? You need to remember that your son caused this. She is reacting to what HE did. You are angry at the wrong person.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 13/10/2018 13:02

My brother assaulted me.
I havent spoken to him for 18 years!

POPholditdown · 13/10/2018 13:12

I saw a thread where a 15/16 year old girl smacked her dad (over something minor) and the advice to the OP was to go and give her hug. No one called for her to be chucked out.

There was a thread recently about a young girl choking and punching her younger brother (I forget the age, but I’m sure she was 14/15). There were loads of posters saying how that would teach the young lad to not wind her up, and she needed understanding and care.

But, I bet you’ll get loads of posters saying they would say the same regardless of genders.

Singlenotsingle · 13/10/2018 13:17

If it was a one-off, the ds has apologised and tried to make amends, but dd refuses to forgive and forget, is this supposed to go on forever? It's been 18 months so far, what happens after 5 years? It's not as though she's scared of him, she's just enjoying a power trip.

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

And yes, Christmas will be miserable if she carries on like this, and maybe she ought to go to her df for Christmas!

TheMythOfFingerprints · 13/10/2018 13:20

You keep saying how sorry he is but he doesn't seem to have actually sincerely apologised to his sister. Just a jokey comment about it in a card.

Presumably he has made his regret clear to you then? While feigning ignorance of not understanding why his sister won't talk to him to the point of you being cross at her and sympathetic to him?

He's done well there.

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 13:22

It's been 18 months so far, what happens after 5 years? It's not as though she's scared of him, she's just enjoying a power trip.
@Singlenotsingle what if your daughter's partner did that? Would you still think it was fine?

Tragedy · 13/10/2018 13:26

I've never been slapped. But i can guarantee if I ever was, the perpetrator would never, ever be forgiven for it.
It's humiliating, and his insulting 'apology' has only added fuel to her hate.
Is she often made the scapegoat by you and your son?

Singlenotsingle · 13/10/2018 13:32

NerrSner Not the point I know, but I haven't got a daughter. And yes I would feel the same. I just think it's ridiculous to carry on like this for 18 months over something relatively minor. That's the way family feuds start. The DD doesn't care about the distress it's all causing the OP.

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 13:41

@Singlenotsingle so what level of assault is it acceptable for someone to disown a family member? Broken bone? Black eye?

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 13:45

Singlenotsingle, it is the OP's dd who was assaulted by her brother. How come it is her responsibility to ensure that her mother is not distressed by the situation?

As for this being how family feuds start, well yes, I would think that a physical assault might well result in a breakdown of family relationships, but again, whose fault is that?

The brother has not even apologised properly but his sister is supposed to suck it up and stop "carrying on" about it. Nice.

Thank god you don't have a daughter....

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 13/10/2018 13:48

Im one of 4, we were always beating each other up.

In fact im old now, the last time I greeted my brother it was with a.misjudged knee to his arse (( ending in a cracking, dead leg )) however that was done in jest. Which is completely different to an aggressive reaction.

That said it does sound like she needs to look at the way she treats people.......we had it here with my dd. Years of verbal abuse and at times physical. We were all on edge, it brought the whole house down.

Iloveacurry · 13/10/2018 13:49

It’s a difficult one. He did what he did and was 17 at the time, so should of known better.

What did she do or say at the time to you to make him react is he did?

StringyPotatoes · 13/10/2018 13:53

FFS. Do none of you have siblings?!? We weren't there to witness this incident but how hard is it to believe the OP that this was a silly sibling squabble?

Siblings behave differently with each other than with other people because they've grown up together, developed unique behavioural pattens with each other that see them regress to childishness sometimes.

Yes, if it was a boyfriend that would be completely out of order but a brother/sister relationship is just different. If the OP has told him off that should be the end of it.

I'm 25 and still find myself going "Muuuuuum!!! Tell himmmmmm!!!"

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 13:53

Even if she was or still is hard work it doesn't make it ok for someone to pull your hair and slap you. She also shouldn't be made to feel bad for not wanting to talk to him.

So many women get told that it was their fault that they have been assaulted in abusive relationships. If a future partner hits her she'll no doubt think she deserves it as that's what she's hearing now.

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2018 13:55

Yes, if it was a boyfriend that would be completely out of order but a brother/sister relationship is just different

Isn't it up to her daughter to decide what's acceptable? What if he gives her a black eye next time? Is that ok?

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